Multiple relationship experiment

[Jj66]

I prefer semi-casual sex. I like to have some sort of relationship but no long term commitments and an easy out if things head south. My ideal relationship is more than FWB but less that BF/GF.

 

I've had my heart shattered and I won't allow myself to fall in love again. If I start feeling like I might love someone I'm likely to dial it back. If she doesn't like that then I'm going to break it off.

 

Maybe the best way for me to not fall in love is to have multiple simultaneous non-exclusive relationships. It's an experiment in non-monogamy I have been running for the last year. I've been having 3 in the stable and a couple of replacement candidates that I am talking to. It's a dynamic system but I always have 4 or 5 women in my life in various stages of progress. I never have more than 3 lovers. If I have sex with a replacement candidate, one of the lovers has to go in order to make room for the new woman.

 

I have two relationships right now and am adding a third to replace one I recently ended because she wanted more than I could give her. A third is only possible because one of the first two is long distance. I wouldn't have time or energy to put enough into the relationships to make 3 local women happy. They would bail for someone who was more available.

 

All the current women have volunteered that they are not seeing others. Maybe hoping I will tell them the same. So, to the guys having trouble getting dates, my apologies for taking more than my share off the market for the time being.

 

Interestingly enough, having regular sex partners lets me take time to get to know someone better before I hop in the sack with her because there is zero pressure to get laid. I never have ONSs or play pump and dump. If we have sex I am truly interested in you as a person and want to have an ongoing relationship with you. Just not an exclusive one.

 

I think this is a phase that I will grow out of but it's has helped me learn a lot about myself and about women. Deep down I yearn for that one special relationship but I am extremely afraid of being hurt.

 

Maybe one day I will meet the woman who pierces my jaded heart or maybe I will continue leaving a trail of tears and shallow relationships behind me. I don't really know.

[Versacehottie]

I prefer semi-casual sex. I like to have some sort of relationship but no long term commitments and an easy out if things head south. My ideal relationship is more than FWB but less that BF/GF.

 

I've had my heart shattered and I won't allow myself to fall in love again. If I start feeling like I might love someone I'm likely to dial it back. If she doesn't like that then I'm going to break it off.

 

Maybe the best way for me to not fall in love is to have multiple simultaneous non-exclusive relationships. It's an experiment in non-monogamy I have been running for the last year. I've been having 3 in the stable and a couple of replacement candidates that I am talking to. It's a dynamic system but I always have 4 or 5 women in my life in various stages of progress. I never have more than 3 lovers. If I have sex with a replacement candidate, one of the lovers has to go in order to make room for the new woman.

 

I have two relationships right now and am adding a third to replace one I recently ended because she wanted more than I could give her. A third is only possible because one of the first two is long distance. I wouldn't have time or energy to put enough into the relationships to make 3 local women happy. They would bail for someone who was more available.

 

All the current women have volunteered that they are not seeing others. Maybe hoping I will tell them the same. So, to the guys having trouble getting dates, my apologies for taking more than my share off the market for the time being.

 

Interestingly enough, having regular sex partners lets me take time to get to know someone better before I hop in the sack with her because there is zero pressure to get laid. I never have ONSs or play pump and dump. If we have sex I am truly interested in you as a person and want to have an ongoing relationship with you. Just not an exclusive one.

 

I think this is a phase that I will grow out of but it's has helped me learn a lot about myself and about women. Deep down I yearn for that one special relationship but I am extremely afraid of being hurt.

 

Maybe one day I will meet the woman who pierces my jaded heart or maybe I will continue leaving a trail of tears and shallow relationships behind me. I don't really know.

 

With what I bolded, it sounds like you are "trying to" gloat over the other guys. Good luck with that. It's not really a victory when you are just going to keep cycling through women because your heart won't let you get close to anyone. So I'm guessing the gloating is the best you can take away from this. Just had to point that out.

 

Wow, so that middle ground between FWB and bf/gf sounds like it's real smart (sarcasm!). I get it that for a short time it may be necessary. And that you may be learning about yourself and relationships along the way. As more than a very temporary strategy though, not so smart. How does it feel to treat all these women like this? Fair, noble? What different lessons are you learning? That eventually they all want more and you are just the guy who is jerking them around because your heart is broken? Some guys get so deep into this cycle that they convince themselves (or try to convince others in order to make themselves feel better) that they have it good and then they wake up a sad and lonely old man. Oh well, I suggest you work on the broken heart bit.

[jen1447]

It's dishonest and manipulative if you're misleading or stringing any of them along at all.

[Jj66]

It's dishonest and manipulative if you're misleading or stringing any of them along at all.

 

 

The first two came in knowing full well that we were not exclusive and that I was dating others. And we were mostly all about the sex and having fun. Their stated goals were just to have fun. Maybe they hoped we would be exclusive someday but I can't be responsible for their hopes. Only what I personally say and do and I have to take them at their word as to what they want.

 

I do feel slimy and dishonest about the third woman. Not that I have lied to her outright but when I asked her what she wanted in the future. She mentioned eventually being in a committed relationship and maybe being married 5 years down the road. I don't think she is under any illusions that I'm ready to stop dating other people at this point, but since I know that her long term goals are not compatible with what I think mine are and I didn't tell her that I am just wasting her time and energy. Very uncool and misleading I think.

 

Maybe the guilt about this is why I made the post. Maybe I want someone to call me out on it and convince me not to waste this woman's time.

 

But damn, I really do like her a lot and if the other two weren't in the picture maybe I could honestly consider a future with her. Unlike the other two, I knew her prior to dating her. But that plan requires going back down to just one lover and puts my heart at too much risk. I fall in love way too easily so it's frightening to concentrate on just one partner.

[Jj66]

With what I bolded, it sounds like you are "trying to" gloat over the other guys. Good luck with that. It's not really a victory when you are just going to keep cycling through women because your heart won't let you get close to anyone. So I'm guessing the gloating is the best you can take away from this. Just had to point that out.

 

Wow, so that middle ground between FWB and bf/gf sounds like it's real smart (sarcasm!). I get it that for a short time it may be necessary. And that you may be learning about yourself and relationships along the way. As more than a very temporary strategy though, not so smart. How does it feel to treat all these women like this? Fair, noble? What different lessons are you learning? That eventually they all want more and you are just the guy who is jerking them around because your heart is broken? Some guys get so deep into this cycle that they convince themselves (or try to convince others in order to make themselves feel better) that they have it good and then they wake up a sad and lonely old man. Oh well, I suggest you work on the broken heart bit.

 

Sorry, the bold part was a failed attempt at sarcastic humor pointing out the injustices of the world. Those guys probably deserve a woman's attention more than I do. I used to be one of them a long time ago.

 

I have been learning that most women end up wanting more than they say they do going in. Even when all they want is to eat drink and **** going into the arrangement they eventually become attached and want more of your time. They want to be your one and only or if they can't have that, at least your favorite. Some will leave when they realize you are not willing to give up the others. Others distance themselves and decide they will see others too.

 

I've learned that I am pitiful and unhappy inside even though I have a content and charming exterior. I think I am a lot like the women. I too want more than I am willing to give myself.

[jen1447]

The first two came in knowing full well that we were not exclusive and that I was dating others. And we were mostly all about the sex and having fun. Their stated goals were just to have fun. Maybe they hoped we would be exclusive someday but I can't be responsible for their hopes. Only what I personally say and do and I have to take them at their word as to what they want.

 

I do feel slimy and dishonest about the third woman. Not that I have lied to her outright but when I asked her what she wanted in the future. She mentioned eventually being in a committed relationship and maybe being married 5 years down the road. I don't think she is under any illusions that I'm ready to stop dating other people at this point, but since I know that her long term goals are not compatible with what I think mine are and I didn't tell her that I am just wasting her time and energy. Very uncool and misleading I think.

 

Maybe the guilt about this is why I made the post. Maybe I want someone to call me out on it and convince me not to waste this woman's time.

 

But damn, I really do like her a lot and if the other two weren't in the picture maybe I could honestly consider a future with her. Unlike the other two, I knew her prior to dating her. But that plan requires going back down to just one lover and puts my heart at too much risk. I fall in love way too easily so it's frightening to concentrate on just one partner.

 

Thanks for being honest. I can't convince you to have morals or to practice the ones you might already have ....that's sth you have to find in yourself. Just know that as it stands, you're indeed using the third girl.

 

Just imo, if you're that damaged from previous relationships (I know it sucks) that you can't behave any other way, you'd be better off going the lone wolf route so as not to hurt anyone else, at least until you can get your mind right again.

[Gaeta]

So you're a big grown @ss man afraid of having his heart broken. So what you risk having a heartbreak? You fall, you break, you bleed than you get up and move on. It's life at its best. When I am old about to kick out of this life I want to look at all my scars and think 'I lived damn it'!

[Versacehottie]

Sorry, the bold part was a failed attempt at sarcastic humor pointing out the injustices of the world. Those guys probably deserve a woman's attention more than I do. I used to be one of them a long time ago.

 

I have been learning that most women end up wanting more than they say they do going in. Even when all they want is to eat drink and **** going into the arrangement they eventually become attached and want more of your time. They want to be your one and only or if they can't have that, at least your favorite. Some will leave when they realize you are not willing to give up the others. Others distance themselves and decide they will see others too.

 

I've learned that I am pitiful and unhappy inside even though I have a content and charming exterior. I think I am a lot like the women. I too want more than I am willing to give myself.

 

Well at least it's honest. That's the first step. Yes of course they want more and that's why what you are doing is particularly cruel. You should just say FWB. So what if you're missing out on the other part? The emotional good part you are getting by tricking these women into thinking there's some chance they will be upp'ed to girlfriends.

 

And yeah I aware that there's a thread right now where guys are complaining that they can't get women's attention. The irony is that you have it through dishonest tactics and aren't gonna do anything valuable with it anyway so you are no better than they are. Or better off either. Maybe you should risk your heart like they keep doing?

[GemmaUK]

So is the 3rd one the one who you were excited over the other day and didn't know whether to change your sheets in case she agreed to come back and you didn't know what she would might want for breakfast?

 

You sounded very young. not so confident and very much like you wanted to make it all perfect for her. If that is the case then she needs to be struck offf your choices list for what you actually say you want here.

End that and choose someone else who you are less into.

[Jj66]

That post was completely tongue-in-cheek and meant to be humorous. But your conclusion is right. I'm very into her. Way more than I want to be. I guess sometimes a person can't help it.

 

How did I arrive where I am?

 

I had the most hellacious divorce imaginable. It's remarkable I didn't hate women afterword. After a layoff from dating. I had 2 short relationships with one ending with her cheating. Then I met the love of my life. Our relationship was fantastic in every way. Our disputes when we had then were solved with maturity and genuine concern for each other. We had similar needs for space and were on the same relationship pace with no one ever being pushy or dragging their feet. We got engaged. Then before we were able to get married unexpected financial trouble caused us to postpone the wedding. After the financial trouble passed I went to her place with some real estate brochures to ask her if she wanted to go house hunting. When I got there she was in bed with a mutual friend.

 

After that devastation, I took leave from my job and worked on a boat. I didn't have a girl in every port but I did date. I met someone terrific. She was smart, funny, adventurous, and shared a hobby I am passionate about. She was also realistic enough to know that we couldn't have an exclusive long distance relationship as sexual as we are. We agreed that we would keep the relationship going but we could see other people. Our policy was don't ask don't tell.

 

Then I met a single mother who only has Mondays and an occasional Sunday free and she was ok with my having other women. She just wanted to have a companion for her day without her son.

 

Then I met someone else. When I told her what I was looking for she said she wasn't sure about it. So I told her bye. But she didn't want to cancel our date that was already scheduled. But when we met she didn't want to do what we had planned. Instead she had planned a picnic on my living room floor. I reminded her of my intentions and she said she just wanted to have fun for now and if she changed her mind she would move on.

 

That's how I ended up with 3 to start with and since then I have just gone with the flow. I don't feel very good about it but it beats the hell out of finding the love of your life in bed with your friend by a long shot.