starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 So my boyfriend recently told me that he has a friend for 9 years that he used to hook up with once in a while. She now lives across the country and he stopped talking to her after we got together. He told me he feels bad they haven't talked because they were actually friends for a really long time, however I'm not comfortable because she was the one after him for quite a while in the beginning of their friendship he said and always wanted him to be in a relationship with her. I don't want to just tell him NO you can't talk to her, but I'm really uncomfortable with it. I'm glad he was honest and shared this information with me, but now I just feel sad about this. All my girlfriends told me to ultimatum him either me or her, which is a little drastic. I would love some male opinions here. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 At least tell him you'd be uncomfortable with it. That would be the truth. See how he takes it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 At least tell him you'd be uncomfortable with it. That would be the truth. See how he takes it. i kind of did that already, but not in a very serious way. Just said that she is probably still after him (which IM sure she is judging by the last text she sent him which was asking why he wouldn't be with her back in the day...) He took that as her asking for advice on dating currently. Men...I swear Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 If I were you, I'd have a more serious chat with your BF about how uncomfortable this situation makes you. I wouldn't give an ultimatum though. If he continued to chat with her after knowing how uncomfortable this makes you, I would find a new boyfriend. I think you are right, and this woman is just there to cause problems in your relationship. Yea the thing is she is so far away that there is not much she can do, however it still makes me uncomfortable. I just don't want to be that insecure girl that doesn't let my man talk to female friends you know? I do trust him, it's not even about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I would rather not be with someone that masturbated with a friend's body for fun. Yet if was would have same issue as have with any ex is my friend bull. Just yeah problem, and given the casual nature of the former relationship and sex, would be very stressed. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Yea the thing is she is so far away that there is not much she can do, however it still makes me uncomfortable. I just don't want to be that insecure girl that doesn't let my man talk to female friends you know? I do trust him, it's not even about that. Emotion travels distance. She wouldn't be the most objective person for your boyfriend to have random chat, talk about life, and perhaps even his relationship and you. I really see no positive reason to keep former lover in orbit...Beyond ego boost and future hook up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 She is definitely on his mind for some reason, and that is a bit of a worry for you. The fact he used to hook up with her occasionally, may mean his thoughts are in fact pointing towards him thinking of her in that way again. Strange, he is bringing this all up now I guess, he may already be back in contact with her and is now hoping for you to give him the go ahead here to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 She is definitely on his mind for some reason, and that is a bit of a worry for you. The fact he used to hook up with her occasionally, may mean his thoughts are in fact pointing towards him thinking of her in that way again. Strange, he is bringing this all up now I guess, he may already be back in contact with her and is now hoping for you to give him the go ahead here to continue. Well he kept saying they were friends and didn't always hook up. But yes it is really bothering me now. I do believe you can be friends with someone you have hooked up with I'm sure, however this is really bothering me a lot. I just don't understand why he needs to talk to her. Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 So my boyfriend recently told me that he has a friend for 9 years that he used to hook up with once in a while. She now lives across the country and he stopped talking to her after we got together. He told me he feels bad they haven't talked because they were actually friends for a really long time, however I'm not comfortable because she was the one after him for quite a while in the beginning of their friendship he said and always wanted him to be in a relationship with her. I don't want to just tell him NO you can't talk to her, but I'm really uncomfortable with it. I'm glad he was honest and shared this information with me, but now I just feel sad about this. All my girlfriends told me to ultimatum him either me or her, which is a little drastic. I would love some male opinions here. This is a tricky one. As you said, the positive piece of this is that he's being perfectly honest with you. The bad news is...good manipulators know that the best secrets are those in plain sight. Boundaries in a relationship are fine. Ultimatums...not so much. If he knows you're uncomfortable with something but still choses to do it then that's a problem. You're not asking him to give up friends. You're asking him to give up a love interest. And here's the thing to consider. It's not one person in that relationship. There is the other woman as well. Can you trust her motives even if you trust your boyfriend? I had one of those instances bite me in the butt before. I was dating a girl that spoke to her ex on occasion. She was innocently talking to him, but he kept pushing memories of past sexual encounters. Eventually she did end up cheating on me with him even though she didn't want to (he blackmailed her since I didn't know he was there). All she did was put herself in the same room as him and then didn't feel she could say no. She wasn't innocent, but had they not been talking they would have never been alone together and ultimately he would have never forced himself on her. It comes down to this: if you're not comfortable with it and have a valid reason, then set boundaries. But be willing to follow those boundaries yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I just went through this... ask a few questions like "when was the last time either of you sent a nude picture?" or "so you wouldn't mind if i read through the texts?" Asking those questions should shed some light on the nature of the friendship. I was able to convince my partner to stop communicating with her former FWB after a few fights and eventually a long conversation. In the end what "won the argument" for me was an example I gave about a woman with whom I had a long distance "friendship" aka flirting, chatting, pics, etc. and how I stopped talking with her once I started dating my partner, not because we (the long distance "friend") weren't capable of having a platonic friendship, but rather because staying in communication with her would be disrespectful to my current partner. Eventually my partner saw the logic in this and stopped talking with her former FWB's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 This is a tricky one. As you said, the positive piece of this is that he's being perfectly honest with you. The bad news is...good manipulators know that the best secrets are those in plain sight. Boundaries in a relationship are fine. Ultimatums...not so much. If he knows you're uncomfortable with something but still choses to do it then that's a problem. You're not asking him to give up friends. You're asking him to give up a love interest. And here's the thing to consider. It's not one person in that relationship. There is the other woman as well. Can you trust her motives even if you trust your boyfriend? I had one of those instances bite me in the butt before. I was dating a girl that spoke to her ex on occasion. She was innocently talking to him, but he kept pushing memories of past sexual encounters. Eventually she did end up cheating on me with him even though she didn't want to (he blackmailed her since I didn't know he was there). All she did was put herself in the same room as him and then didn't feel she could say no. She wasn't innocent, but had they not been talking they would have never been alone together and ultimately he would have never forced himself on her. It comes down to this: if you're not comfortable with it and have a valid reason, then set boundaries. But be willing to follow those boundaries yourself. I really like this answer. I want to be that cool girl and not care. She was never a love interest, just a friend and someone he had sex with so clearly he was attracted in one form or another. I'm just not sure how I can bring this up without sounding crazy? I already said it sounds like she is still interested in him and he said definitely not. Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I really like this answer. I want to be that cool girl and not care. She was never a love interest, just a friend and someone he had sex with so clearly he was attracted in one form or another. I'm just not sure how I can bring this up without sounding crazy? I already said it sounds like she is still interested in him and he said definitely not. My biggest regret in the story I told earlier is not speaking up. I knew they were talking I just chose to turn a blind eye to it because I trusted her. It never occurred to me that it was HIM I shouldn't have been trusting. Just explain how you feel then listen. They say in professional business problem sving you have to ask why at least 5 times before you find the real problem. I don't see any reason why that can't apply here. Ask him why he feels he needs to talk to her. Then ask him why again Find out what he's getting from that interaction that makes her worth the tension in your relationship. Approach it as an ally, not as a jealous girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author starla33 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 My biggest regret in the story I told earlier is not speaking up. I knew they were talking I just chose to turn a blind eye to it because I trusted her. It never occurred to me that it was HIM I shouldn't have been trusting. Just explain how you feel then listen. They say in professional business problem sving you have to ask why at least 5 times before you find the real problem. I don't see any reason why that can't apply here. Ask him why he feels he needs to talk to her. Then ask him why again Find out what he's getting from that interaction that makes her worth the tension in your relationship. Approach it as an ally, not as a jealous girlfriend. Thanks, i will definitely try this Link to post Share on other sites
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Thanks, i will definitely try this Keep us updated. This is YOUR long-term partner. Not his friend's. If it's going to work out, you both are going to need to communicate. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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