unsure99 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Hi. I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. I'm in my mid-30s and he's in his late 30's. I recently brought up the question of moving in together and I learned that he previously had a bad experience with living with a girlfriend (years ago) and that he was in "no hurry" to move in together. We ultimately wound up in a huge argument that night because I felt that he was stringing me along, and that same night, I broke up with him. We reconciled a few days later and he told me that he had been thinking about it and realized that we had been dating a long time and that we should have a discussion about moving in together. I suggested that we wait a few months to get a chance to have fun and get to know each other more before we resumed the discussion. He said he would like that but that he understood if I didn't want to wait. Anyway, I'm starting to regret my suggestion of waiting to discuss it but, at the same time, I stil think the wisest solution is to wait. What do you all think?
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Waiting & talking especially about your fears is the best option.
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I think it's a great decision. It gives you some time to be mindful of whether your not you actually want to move in together. That kind of decision should never be made as the solution to an argument. I personally would not move in with a BF until we're engaged and making plans for the future, unless cohabitation and non-marriage were OK with me. Otherwise, I'd be afraid that it'd be way too easy to get stuck in that situation and the guy has no interest in moving things forward. Why do you regret waiting? Because that postpones moving in, or some other reason?
Els Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Yeah, if you just reconciled after a breakup, it would be wiser to wait. IMO even a temporary breakup always resets a clock to 0 (or sometimes -1...). So consider this R to be a new one, and wait to make your decision. What's the hurry? No harm in moving in a few months later instead of right now.
Keenly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You kind of showed him exactly why he should be hesitant to move in with you. You didn't get your way, so you broke up with him. He's perfectly right to be skeptical, especially now.
Lady2163 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I think there are several factors to consider. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? Are you both in apartments? Are you looking at moving into his apartment or is he moving into yours? Are you thinking it would be better to get a new place together? If you are both homeowners and one person has to sell, that gets even more complicated. My nightmare story.... I had dated a man for two years. In retrospect, he wasn't as into me as I was him. He and his ex wife had bought a ramshackle house on 8 acres 20 years previously. It was farmland when they bought it. It was still rural when they divorced. When I came along the house was an even more delipadated shack, but his area was now a suburb. If he started selling off lots, he would probably clear close to seven figures. After my divorce I did the apartment thing until I had saved enough money for a manufactured home (also called mobile homes or trailers). I flipped it, sold it at a profit, bought another one. When I suggested we move in together, my trailer was nicer than his house, but his property was worth a lot more. I probably would have made $25,000 profit when I sold my trailer. I was either buying a starter home, downsizing to continue saving money for a nicer home or moving in with him. We agree to move in. My trailer gets an offer and there is $25,000 or so to be made. I agree and start the whole moving process. Then the conditions began. Much of my stuff would have to go to storage. He wasn't going to clear out his third bedroom/junk room for my stuff. He wasn't going to empty a closet. There was no room for my dresser. At every turn I seemed destined to live out of a suitcase and a storage locker. He had had to buy his house twice. Once with his ex wife and then we he divorced her. I was totally fine not being on the mortgage, I was not fine when he presented me with a rental agreement where I paid $650 a month. He had determined that would be my half of the mortgage and utilities. At the time, $650 would have covered a three bedroom apartment in that part of the country. He then went on to explain that I wouldn't actually be paying rent. He had this great idea how to invest my $25,000 in a business he wanted to start up. It was a specialized travel business where he would take tours to his favorite tourist spot that he went to every year for three weeks. But now he would do it full time. He'd schedule around 20 tours a year for varying lengths of time. Each month I would write out a check to him for $650 and he would give me $700 cash back. He'd have my investment returned to me in three years. What?! In the end I didn't move in with him. We limped along for a few more months before he ended it with me. We'd been seeing each other for two years plus. One month after breaking up with me, he moved in his girlfriend. Five months after breaking up with me, he married her. He never started his dream business. It has been years since this happened and I have since changed time zones. Last update was a chance encounter with someone he works with.
Diezel Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So you ask about living together, don't get the answer you want, and break up with him. He comes back, says he is willing to do it, and you waffle? And now you are regretting saying you would wait? Stop flip flopping. If you bring it up again now saying you want to do it sooner, you are going to confuse the hell out of this guy. Stick with waiting. 1
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I suggested that we wait a few months to get a chance to have fun and get to know each other more before we resumed the discussion. If you have been together for two years, I'm not sure what waiting a few months "to have fun" will serve. You want to get back to the Honeymoon Period of doughnuts and bunnies to talk about the big issues? It is when there is struggle between a relationship that insight about how the two of you deal with conflict really depicts the framework of a relationship. If you want to move forward with the potential of a lifetime partnership, best to start talking about those things immediately.
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