QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I know I've been posting a lot, but I do find myself understanding others on here and also seeing how similar my situation is to others and in a way, it helps with the healing process. When my ex ended things with me, it felt out of the blue. Which I'm still wondering why is it that some break ups feel out of the blue? I know from my past for my first boyfriend, I knew we were going to break up because things weren't working out at all, however, for my recent ex that ended this with me on Saturday...it felt just...weird, confusing and all. Felt out of the blue. I made a thread about it in the coping section, but like...it just makes me wonder. Did any of you went through this when someone ended things with you and it felt out of the blue and left you feeling confused? Also, I felt as if the whole thing could have been solved, I don't know if that's me in denial or what, but I really felt as if we could have gotten over that bump in the road. You guys ever felt that way as well? I'll be posting so much more to get my thoughts out and such, thanks!
nellbell86 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Yep I know exactly what you mean! Looking back now, the weekend leading up to him saying he needed 'space to figure it out' we did bicker a bit about a few stupid things, mainly initiated by me and my silly insecurities. I can't help think, if only I hadn't brought that up, we wouldn't have bickered, and everything would be fine now. Even the day he came to say he wanted space, he'd text me that morning saying how much he loves me, quoting song lyrics to me, everything! So it was most definitely out of the blue when he said that to me, then practically cut me out straight away. I was completely blindsided. Yes we are very different, and I know there were things we both needed to work on, but like you, I KNOW we could have worked on them and been in an even better place. I think its the hardest when you feel this way, and when you honestly feel like things could've been worked out, but they've just given up and walked away without even a chance. Thats certainly made letting go for me practically impossible. I keep praying and hoping that he will miss me and realise what we had was worth working on, but I cant hold onto that forever or it'll drive me crazy, its already consumed me. But slowly I feel like I'm getting there, yes I still want to talk to him every day, but looking at a picture of him or a memory of him doesn't bring on the gut wrenching vomit inducing anxiety/sadness that it used to. I dunno, I guess you've just gotta take it a day at a time, are you doing NC with him now? 2
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 well, that's the thing: if they like you and take you as seriously as they said they do, they would stick around and at least argued to death with you. The fact that they left with no fighting back is an even bigger red flag than the fight or the reason behind the fight. You don't just want someone really interested when the going is good. You want someone reliable when the shyte hits the fan and when either of you f*cks up. Maybe it was too much work. Too much effort needed from his part. Maybe he was too hurt by the discussion... or maybe... just maybe... he had checked out from the RS some time ago and used the first fight you guys had to get out of it for good. If it's the later, you're better off single. Actually, if it's the former, you're better off single as well. Life isn't a rose garden. I want a partner who won't let me go when things get a little more difficult. I don't want a partner who gets scared and abandons ship after the first fight, however important and hurtful the fight is. My last ex did. I was feeling so guilty for that fight and for my over reaction, that I even wrote him an email 3 months later. His utter and complete silence confirmed that I was right to have left that RS to begin with. Did that break up fall out of the blue? Hell yeah. Now, 15 weeks later, I think it's only for the best that we split up when we did. Everyone gets moments of weakness and gets overwhelmed by fear. Moments. Allowing those fears to rule your life - or worse, allowing his fears to rule my life - is a big No No. I am grateful for his silence. I look at it as a huge sign of incompatibility. "Smooth sailing, bro, hope you do find that doormat who'll agree to every word you utter and you'll both live in an eternally peaceful RS and have loads of babies". I for one, know for a fact that I will fight hard, I will speak my mind, I will love hard, I will encourage my partner to speak up and I will speak up, when the moment is right as well. I will also f*ck up and want to be forgiven. I will also allow my partner to f*ck up and forgive him. That's a true luxury when inlove and I think that that's what a true RS is all about. Being yourself. Expressing yourself. Loving your partner. Fighting. Making up. Loving your partner some more. Eternal peace happens only when you're dead. OP, take your time to grieve. I know you don't understand right now and it seems so unfair and... yeah, so easy to solve - whatever the reason of your break up was. Take your time to grieve and heal and remember this: it's not the fact that you fought, it's the fact that he gave up so easily the real issue. That's the real level of his involvement. That low, that shallow, that superficial. That thought helped me get closure. 7
icyfeline Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It did feel very out of the blue when my ex left me. Looking back, all the clues were there that he was pulling away, but at the time it was so incredibly surreal & I was in disbelief. He literally changed over the course of a week or two.
HandsomeBoh Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Mine was so sudden I literally laughed when she said she wanted to break up, until I realised she was serious. But she's really never looked back, and I guess I understand why the breakup had to happen for her. I wish I could impress on her exactly what she lost, a person who loved her wholly and unconditionally, but I know she's one of that rare breed of highly independent women with the ability to feel exactly what she thinks it is right for her to feel.
aloneinaz Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 The vast majority of the time someone gets dumped "out of the blue", they missed warning signs. Plain and simple. These signs could be very subtle as well. I think many of us noticed some changes but because we were busy w/work or other life events, we didn't pay attention enough to them. Google "signs your partner is losing interest" and you'll see a lot of signs of someone fading. I remember someone posted on this site "I was shocked when she dumped me".. When he was questioned about any changes in her behavior, he said "not really" and went on to describe- * She had joined a gym a few months before to get in shape "for him". * She had some new friends that she started spending more time hanging out with. * He had noticed that they didn't seem to have sex as much. * She had lost weight from the gym and bought new clothes. Other than those things, everything was the same. DDDUUHHH...!! How do you not put 2 and 2 together?!?! 1
Kehv Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I know I've been posting a lot, but I do find myself understanding others on here and also seeing how similar my situation is to others and in a way, it helps with the healing process. When my ex ended things with me, it felt out of the blue. Which I'm still wondering why is it that some break ups feel out of the blue? I know from my past for my first boyfriend, I knew we were going to break up because things weren't working out at all, however, for my recent ex that ended this with me on Saturday...it felt just...weird, confusing and all. Felt out of the blue. I made a thread about it in the coping section, but like...it just makes me wonder. Did any of you went through this when someone ended things with you and it felt out of the blue and left you feeling confused? Also, I felt as if the whole thing could have been solved, I don't know if that's me in denial or what, but I really felt as if we could have gotten over that bump in the road. You guys ever felt that way as well? I'll be posting so much more to get my thoughts out and such, thanks! I don't know how old you are or how long the relationship was between you but it could be the 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome'. My ex has GIGS, left me overnight for another guy after a 6 year relationship. It depends how great the new partner is if he/she might come back to you. It could ofcourse be that your ex-bf doesn't have anyone else yet but could still be looking for better pastures. 1
Tuga88 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Most of the time it seems like it's "out of the blue" but that's normally because people are too into their partners to realise the warning signs. It's also why a lot of dumpers seem to move on so quick after a break up but in fact they had "checked out" of the relationship a long time ago so by the time they actually break things off they're already ready for something new. 3
carolinek7 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 well, that's the thing: if they like you and take you as seriously as they said they do, they would stick around and at least argued to death with you. The fact that they left with no fighting back is an even bigger red flag than the fight or the reason behind the fight. You don't just want someone really interested when the going is good. You want someone reliable when the shyte hits the fan and when either of you f*cks up. Maybe it was too much work. Too much effort needed from his part. Maybe he was too hurt by the discussion... or maybe... just maybe... he had checked out from the RS some time ago and used the first fight you guys had to get out of it for good. If it's the later, you're better off single. Actually, if it's the former, you're better off single as well. Life isn't a rose garden. I want a partner who won't let me go when things get a little more difficult. I don't want a partner who gets scared and abandons ship after the first fight, however important and hurtful the fight is. My last ex did. I was feeling so guilty for that fight and for my over reaction, that I even wrote him an email 3 months later. His utter and complete silence confirmed that I was right to have left that RS to begin with. Did that break up fall out of the blue? Hell yeah. Now, 15 weeks later, I think it's only for the best that we split up when we did. Everyone gets moments of weakness and gets overwhelmed by fear. Moments. Allowing those fears to rule your life - or worse, allowing his fears to rule my life - is a big No No. I am grateful for his silence. I look at it as a huge sign of incompatibility. "Smooth sailing, bro, hope you do find that doormat who'll agree to every word you utter and you'll both live in an eternally peaceful RS and have loads of babies". I for one, know for a fact that I will fight hard, I will speak my mind, I will love hard, I will encourage my partner to speak up and I will speak up, when the moment is right as well. I will also f*ck up and want to be forgiven. I will also allow my partner to f*ck up and forgive him. That's a true luxury when inlove and I think that that's what a true RS is all about. Being yourself. Expressing yourself. Loving your partner. Fighting. Making up. Loving your partner some more. Eternal peace happens only when you're dead. OP, take your time to grieve. I know you don't understand right now and it seems so unfair and... yeah, so easy to solve - whatever the reason of your break up was. Take your time to grieve and heal and remember this: it's not the fact that you fought, it's the fact that he gave up so easily the real issue. That's the real level of his involvement. That low, that shallow, that superficial. That thought helped me get closure. Thank you so much for this frank, candid and excellent response. I just read this and found it super helpful for my situation (ex dumped me on Saturday, and returned home for good to Italy forever, and I am really struggling to come to terms with it all). 1
Diezel Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's always "out of the blue" at the beginning of it. Upon retrospection and careful thought, it never is out of the blue.
Kehv Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Most of the time it seems like it's "out of the blue" but that's normally because people are too into their partners to realise the warning signs. It's also why a lot of dumpers seem to move on so quick after a break up but in fact they had "checked out" of the relationship a long time ago so by the time they actually break things off they're already ready for something new. Yeah I'm starting to realise that, which is extremely hard. Still, the relationship with my ex was pretty good but I took her for granted. 2 weeks before the breakup we celebrated our 6 year anniversary, it didn't seem like there she was ready to leave me. One week before the breakup we even discussed marriage (like we did many times). It has been almost 2 months since the breakup now. She went out with a colleague and broke up with me a few days afterwards. 2 weeks after the breakup they were in a relationship and had sex. At the time I write this they are on a holiday together.... My ex says she's over me and she will never get back with me. She desperately wanted to stay friends with me, she needed a shoulder to cry on (I don't know why...) and wanted to hang out with me. I did not want her to come over and told her that I needed space and I don't want to be her friend. She was crying and soon that would turn into being mad at me, telling me she will never contact me again and we will never be friends in the future. I think it will take a long time for me to recover. In my eyes she was my dreamgirl, she basically had all I wanted in a girl. But I must realise she most likely will never come back. The other guy isn't just some loser, he's pretty much like me as far as I can tell. My ex also blames me for everything, she didn't do anything wrong in her eyes. Like I said it's hard to understand that she might really be over me already. I've been loyal to her all those years and I've been good to her. The only thing (which I admit is important) is that the other guy simply has a better career than me. The only hope I got is that she may one day realise I had been really good to her and I hope her new relationship wears off after the honeymoon period.
Author QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I am loving the replies on here, is definitely giving me some insight. Copy and paste of how it all happened from my first thread - My ex boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, pretty much blamed me for the break up and said how I burnt bridges, he said how I'm manipulative, angry, capricious, controlling and some other stuff that I don't even remember. It was a long distance relationship, he's in IL and I'm in NY. Not too long ago, our spark died out and really, it didn't bother me. I tried to explaining to him how things like that are normal and everything, however, like always, I honestly don't think what I was saying was registering in his head. Also, he was worried that if he was just lusting after me or really was in love with me, and me and his friend that is a good friend of mine just told him how it's natural to not always feel in love and again, don't know if he was really listening or not. So after awhile he wanted to go on a break and omg! That scared the **** out of me, I started panicking, I got very, very, emotional ( I'm an overly emotional chick ) I started texting him and wailing at him saying how it is your fault that we are at this position because he wouldn't listen to me, that everything is normal and really there's nothing to worry about, etc... Pretty much I sent him about 29 text. In general, when my emotions get the best of me and believe me, they do, I just turn into a whole new person that tries to protect herself. He pretty much also said how I tried to control him and one of his friend, Jessica relationship. That I wanted to tear them apart or whatever. When truthfully, I don't care who he is friends with, I just didn't trust the girl because of the history the two shares. What upsets me is that, he yet again said how she told you she's not a threat, she's not this, not that and then told me how I deleted her as a friend from Facebook, that I didn't even try to get to know her. You'd believe that he can see my inbox? No. We did talk here and there, me and the girl, however, I just felt uncomfortable talking to her and sometimes she doesn't reply, so after awhile, I decided I am not going to keep talking to someone that I am not comfortable talking to, after a while, I realized deleting her from my Facebook was childish and wanted to make amends at some point when I felt good and ready, not the type of person to force myself to talk to someone when I don't feel comfortable doing so. What annoys me is that, he says that I see her as a threat or whatever, when she told me she isn't, yet I don't trust her, I could count the times I told him why I don't trust her, again, I don't know if he was listening to me or not. I do question if he does listen to me from time to time. When he hanged out with this said girl, it sent me into an emotional outbreak, I was scared, tense, worried, wondering what they were doing, they were getting coffee and I was just beyond upset because he told me he doesn't even like coffee and it just looked weird from my point of view, I kept texting him why isn't he updating me enough, which he did looking back on it, I was just so upset because like I said I was worried and just so ****ing emotional. So I also said go sleep with her, go be with her, etc. I also said some other stuff too that I can't remember, however, when I'm like that in that emotional state, I tend to go off the wall. Truthfully, I don't care who he hangs out with, he thinks I wanted to control the relationship they had, I truthfully didn't wanted to come off that way, however, I tried to explaining myself after that heated break up but to no avail and he didn't reply + I just felt as if the relationship could have been salvaged and worked on, and I wanted to work things, hell, even his own self said I've been trying really really hard to work things out After a while, I realized what he said, I pretty much get that way when my emotions get the best of me, this one time like at the start of summer he was hanging out with his guy friend and it just worried me because I didn't know what he was doing, I didn't know if they would be girls around or not and then he would do something with those girls or whatever, also...I didn't trust him enough so that's also where I went wrong. After a while, like weeks and weeks later, I was like "whatever" he isn't doing anything like..cheating so I calmed down about it. But it just hurts that he puts 100% blame on me for why he break up with me and I don't understand why, and like...he knows why I get overly emotional, since day one he knew that I am overly emotional because we met on a forum website and in chat people told him that this girl is overly emotional, she's impulsive, she's a party girl and all. The thing is he could have said the same thing he said yesterday, at the beginning of summer and when I just burst out on emotions when he hanged out with his other friend, the whole thing is just confusing and I don't understand why he seems so shock all of a sudden, I'm trying to make sense of it all. I do take blame, however, I don't think it's all my fault, I would like some opinions on this and also how do you deal with a break up? I take like 60% of the blame? I don't know, the whole thing is confusing. Also, did the dumper ever blamed you and why do they put 100% blame on the other as if they did nothing wrong throughout the relationship? With him, I just wished he payed attention more and listened to me more, and just tried to understand me more. Just hurts how he put all the blame on me. I know that I tend to turn into a bitch when I get to an overly emotional state, but overall, I know that I tried to be a great girlfriend to him and it hurts that 7 months of effort just goes down the drain, it felt like he just shooed me away or something, and I really do felt like it could have been salvaged but things got rough and I wanted to work things out but he didn't and it hurts. Also, I saw a future with him and he's the only ex I would actually go back to. Plus, being in love with him still and him just ended it off..it just sucks - To add in, after I stopped begging and everything, took a breather and all, a few hours later or so I went off explaining myself that I'm not those things and I don't mean to come off as those things, but he didn't reply. And on top of it, I can't stop thinking about him, I keep thinking how we can still be a couple right now and just had worked through our problems and not just say okay, we are done. Also, I wished I told him that he also needs to take responsibility and not put the blame all on me. As of now, I'm not contacting him. I highly doubt I would be dealing with him about contacting me. Thing is, I would so go back to him in a heartbeat, lol.
Author QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I don't know how old you are or how long the relationship was between you but it could be the 'Grass Is Greener Syndrome'. My ex has GIGS, left me overnight for another guy after a 6 year relationship. It depends how great the new partner is if he/she might come back to you. It could ofcourse be that your ex-bf doesn't have anyone else yet but could still be looking for better pastures. Urgh, could be. I'm 20 years old and he's 19. I keep trying to figure out why did we break up and not going to lie, it does drive me crazy. Also drives me crazy that I let myself go when he ended it with me and started begging.
Author QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Most of the time it seems like it's "out of the blue" but that's normally because people are too into their partners to realise the warning signs. It's also why a lot of dumpers seem to move on so quick after a break up but in fact they had "checked out" of the relationship a long time ago so by the time they actually break things off they're already ready for something new. But the thing is, if something is wrong, why not just tell the other person so you can work on the problems together instead of just checking out early. .-. 1
Author QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 well, that's the thing: if they like you and take you as seriously as they said they do, they would stick around and at least argued to death with you. The fact that they left with no fighting back is an even bigger red flag than the fight or the reason behind the fight. You don't just want someone really interested when the going is good. You want someone reliable when the shyte hits the fan and when either of you f*cks up. Maybe it was too much work. Too much effort needed from his part. Maybe he was too hurt by the discussion... or maybe... just maybe... he had checked out from the RS some time ago and used the first fight you guys had to get out of it for good. If it's the later, you're better off single. Actually, if it's the former, you're better off single as well. Life isn't a rose garden. I want a partner who won't let me go when things get a little more difficult. I don't want a partner who gets scared and abandons ship after the first fight, however important and hurtful the fight is. My last ex did. I was feeling so guilty for that fight and for my over reaction, that I even wrote him an email 3 months later. His utter and complete silence confirmed that I was right to have left that RS to begin with. Did that break up fall out of the blue? Hell yeah. Now, 15 weeks later, I think it's only for the best that we split up when we did. Everyone gets moments of weakness and gets overwhelmed by fear. Moments. Allowing those fears to rule your life - or worse, allowing his fears to rule my life - is a big No No. I am grateful for his silence. I look at it as a huge sign of incompatibility. "Smooth sailing, bro, hope you do find that doormat who'll agree to every word you utter and you'll both live in an eternally peaceful RS and have loads of babies". I for one, know for a fact that I will fight hard, I will speak my mind, I will love hard, I will encourage my partner to speak up and I will speak up, when the moment is right as well. I will also f*ck up and want to be forgiven. I will also allow my partner to f*ck up and forgive him. That's a true luxury when inlove and I think that that's what a true RS is all about. Being yourself. Expressing yourself. Loving your partner. Fighting. Making up. Loving your partner some more. Eternal peace happens only when you're dead. OP, take your time to grieve. I know you don't understand right now and it seems so unfair and... yeah, so easy to solve - whatever the reason of your break up was. Take your time to grieve and heal and remember this: it's not the fact that you fought, it's the fact that he gave up so easily the real issue. That's the real level of his involvement. That low, that shallow, that superficial. That thought helped me get closure. You have no idea how badly I want to send what you said to my ex, this, this is how I feel. 1
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's always "out of the blue" at the beginning of it. Upon retrospection and careful thought, it never is out of the blue. I dunno. People always seek and hope to find the answers they're most comfortable with - when it comes to their own lives and when it comes to that of others. I think it is dangerous to generalize. It is also true that introspection and careful thinking help get closure. Some times you won't know. Some times you may think you know the answer, but unless you find out that they cheated or jumped into a RS immediately after the Break Up, you'll never know why, because they sure as hell won't tell you. Most likely, if the break up came out of the blue, chances are they never looked back anyway. In the end, it's irrelevant if it's out of the blue or not. The only thing that matters is that it ended. No fighting over it, no holding on. It's over. End of story. Next . 2
Author QueenDeath Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I dunno. People always seek and hope to find the answers they're most comfortable with - when it comes to their own lives and when it comes to that of others. I think it is dangerous to generalize. It is also true that introspection and careful thinking help get closure. Some times you won't know. Some times you may think you know the answer, but unless you find out that they cheated or jumped into a RS immediately after the Break Up, you'll never know why, because they sure as hell won't tell you. Most likely, if the break up came out of the blue, chances are they never looked back anyway. In the end, it's irrelevant if it's out of the blue or not. The only thing that matters is that it ended. No fighting over it, no holding on. It's over. End of story. Next . I need this kind of mentality. OMG! 1
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You have no idea how badly I want to send what you said to my ex, this, this is how I feel. thing is, there's nothing you can say or do to him, for him to realize anything or understand anything, I'm afraid. OP. Chances are, your ex has already moved on. You need to understand that if a man really wants to be with a woman, there's nothing on the surface of this planet that can prevent him from being with her. If your ex chose to leave without ever looking back, it's because irrelevant of his feelings, he felt that it is best that way. It sucks big time, but one should get closure from within, not expect it to come or want it to come from their ex. Or if you absolutely feel that there is something you want to say to your ex - do it, just don't expect anything from him and never look back after doing so. I've done it - wrote that email after 2- 3 months of solid NC. I've written it, shared my all with him, gotten over my guilt and was done with it. The moment I had left it in his hands - the moment I wrote everything I had to say to him - there was nothing else holding me back. And then I've moved on. In the end, the only thing that really matters is that you're well and recovering fast and painlessly. Up to you to figure out what you need to do to make it happen. Solid NC, sound introspection and a lot of patience and time were the key ingredients that helped me out. keep your head up, OP, nobody died because of an out of the blue break up, just yet ! 1
Kehv Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 The vast majority of the time someone gets dumped "out of the blue", they missed warning signs. Plain and simple. These signs could be very subtle as well. I think many of us noticed some changes but because we were busy w/work or other life events, we didn't pay attention enough to them. Google "signs your partner is losing interest" and you'll see a lot of signs of someone fading. I remember someone posted on this site "I was shocked when she dumped me".. When he was questioned about any changes in her behavior, he said "not really" and went on to describe- * She had joined a gym a few months before to get in shape "for him". * She had some new friends that she started spending more time hanging out with. * He had noticed that they didn't seem to have sex as much. * She had lost weight from the gym and bought new clothes. Other than those things, everything was the same. DDDUUHHH...!! How do you not put 2 and 2 together?!?! In my case I can't really come up with anything like this. We still had sex, she always bought new clothes so that's nothing special....... The only problem was that she could get irritated of little things. I'm pretty sure in my case she might have had doubts of our relationship, then one colleague flirted with her, so she went out to have a drink with him. She made up her mind a few days after and broke up with me. If there were any clear signs I simply did not see them. Yes, after 6 years things aren't that new and exciting anymore. This is both our fault but yet she thinks it's all me who's to blame. I'm pretty sure my Ex has the Grass Is Greener Syndrome, I was her first and I was all she knew. The only problem is that she did pick a good GIGS guy who could be a keeper.
aloneinaz Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 The only problem is that she did pick a good GIGS guy who could be a keeper. Or.. he could be a total douche bag, not that it matters anyway. Be glad she did this now. So many 1st loves marry, knock out 2.5 kids and then are in their 20's or early 30's and end relationships due to not having got to explore other relationships and not sowing their wild oats. It happens all the time. Take advantage of this new freedom and go out and enjoy yourself. Do some dating and sow some oats. You'll be fine.
Kehv Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Or.. he could be a total douche bag, not that it matters anyway. Be glad she did this now. So many 1st loves marry, knock out 2.5 kids and then are in their 20's or early 30's and end relationships due to not having got to explore other relationships and not sowing their wild oats. It happens all the time. Take advantage of this new freedom and go out and enjoy yourself. Do some dating and sow some oats. You'll be fine. Yeah it shouldn't really matter really but I've read too many threads about GIGS people who would eventually return (after the honeymoon phase) but all I'm reading about is that the other guy is a prick/loser. Obviously my ex thinks this guy is great, especially in the first 2 months but on top of it all he has a better career then me and doesn't look like a guy who would treat her badly. I wonder if the love we once had was strong enough for her to return to me.
Gus Grimly Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 .... I will also f*ck up and want to be forgiven. I will also allow my partner to f*ck up and forgive him. Damn, great post! It's so true what you said. The big revelation for me with my last relationship was that there must be equality. I asked myself if my Ex would have gone through everything I went through for the relationship. I found that the answer was a resounding NO. I left myself open and vulnerable to being her 'doormat'. Fear of losing her or angering her caused me to let down my guard and be consumed by her will. Now I realize that it's important to let people know what we will and won't stand for. If they can't respect that then it's time to cut them out of our lives forever. 1
aloneinaz Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I wonder if the love we once had was strong enough for her to return to me. You need to change your thoughts my friend. You SHOULD not want to even consider going back to her. She's already lost interest in you and ran off w/someone else. Do you really want to be someone's TEMPORARY fall back plan? Ok, let's say this new guy fizzled out and she came back to you. How long until she see's all the same things that made her lose interest and run off again when the next new guy grabs her attention? In all likelihood, your R/S w/her ran it's course and flamed out. It happens all the time. You'd be much better off to change your mind set to "I'd never date her again" and then heal and start dating again to meet someone new.
candie13 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) The big revelation for me with my last relationship was that there must be equality. I asked myself if my Ex would have gone through everything I went through for the relationship. I found that the answer was a resounding NO. I left myself open and vulnerable to being her 'doormat'. Fear of losing her or angering her caused me to let down my guard and be consumed by her will. Now I realize that it's important to let people know what we will and won't stand for. If they can't respect that then it's time to cut them out of our lives forever. setting your own boundaries is very important, if you want the RS to be healthy. It sounds counterintuitive, but if you love and respect yourself, it will help your partner love and respect you. I'm also guilty of trying too hard and being too lax with my own space - mentally and emotionally. It was hard for me to realize that no one will ever love me harder than I love myself. Most of the times, they will love me less... So the million dollars question is: how much do you love yourself? And how do you want to be loved? Are you happy with how you are being currently loved? I think I wasn't asking myself that with my ex, because I was actively trying to make my partner love me or fix the RS so that I get my share of affection... Wrong. It's not supposed to take a lot of effort, it's not supposed to be complicated. It's not really supposed to take that much time either. Love and emotions are either there or not.Anything else is nothing but... trade. Trading sex for companionship or acceptance. We are all social creatures, after all. I have a slightly different view on equality and reciprocity. You love your partner in a different way that she loves you. You express it differently - through words and actions. Maybe you would do things for her that she wouldn't / couldn't do for you. But it is important that she is able / wants to do things for you that you cannot do for her. Or that she expresses that love to you, so that you feel it - on your skin, in your soul. You feel / know that she loves you back. And not because she owes it to you. Just because she really loves you and wants to share that love with you, by being a decent partner. I have had bfs who did have deep feelings for me, but were unable to let it outside and express it - through words or actions (or were expressing it, but it was all weird and f*cked up). Either because they were selfish, scared or unable to... their issues. Mine was that I wasn't getting or feeling loved back. Good enough for anyone to bail out. The way I see it, it's all linked to how you want to be loved. Is that all there is? Is that how strong she loves you / much she appreciates you? And most importantly, is that (good) enough for you ? Edited August 26, 2015 by candie13 1
candie13 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) In all likelihood, your R/S w/her ran it's course and flamed out. It happens all the time. You'd be much better off to change your mind set to "I'd never date her again" and then heal and start dating again to meet someone new. That's the most difficult part. I think, most of the times, people don't pine over ex lovers because they are inlove, but because they seek to get back their own sense of self worth which was hurt, when they got dumped or when the RS broke off. Or the abandonment pattern that gets activated. I'm almost convinced all that grief is not linked to the love for the ex partner - because, really, was the ex that fantastic and was the past RS that amazingly beautiful to justify all the post break up drama? Not really. Not at all, actually. It's more about what the break up means to you, its significance, the failure / rejection, that the past RS in itself. IMHO, all that immense grief and trauma is real. However, it's something very profound that comes from the past and from deep inside. People project on their current partners a lot of the stuff they haven't solved with their own parents or past partners or other people who were indeed very close to them... a bit like hoping you won't miss your dad who left you as a child as much if your ex bf only came back, sorta story. If people manage to separate their feelings for their past partner from whatever else they have to solve with themselves... break ups would be a lot easier and post break up mourning would be much shorter and less painful. I think the way we remember stuff also has something to do with this - because we do alter the memories of the past, without realizing it... and end up inflicting even more pain on ourselves... the only point i'm trying to make, is that more often than not, it's not even about that past lover, that individual, that RS Edited August 26, 2015 by candie13 1
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