Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I originally thought I would be ok with just a casual hookup, I was wrong Ok well now you know for sure. Just don't put yourself in that situation again. I know several people who have boyfriends from tinder. I guess it could be less devastating than finding out your match.com or eharmony date isn't actually looking for a relationship LOL. I've seen girls here and in real life get so upset that their dating site guy wasn't actually looking for a dating relationship. It goes back to making discoveries about the people, getting to know them and teaching people how to treat you and what you are expecting. I'm guessing this bolded is where you're having issues. Don't assume about the other person. Discover through their actions and how they treat you. Make sure your actions and behavior are reflective of someone who is looking for a relationship. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I guess not tinder then since that's what it seems like most of the guys there want Tinder was designed to be a hook-up app so the appropriate term here is "duh".
AlurOne Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Not all guys want casual hook ups. We are out here. Keep your eyes peeled! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I originally thought I would be ok with just a casual hookup, I was wrong That's another thing. Social engineers have trained women to believe that casual sex is modern, cool, and liberated. I think a lot of women just go along with the programming because the tide is so strong. And even if they realize it doesn't feel right for them, they often stay with the current for the sake of conformity. It's good that you're figuring out now that it isn't right for you and stepping back from it, rather than just going along with the current. 1
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Tinder was designed to be a hook-up app so the appropriate term here is "duh". Lol! Well my friend did meet her fiance on it, but I guess that's one rare expection
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I guess anytime before sex is good? Yes. I mean TECHNICALLY you don't have to necessarily have a big talk about it, because of course people can lie and say they don't do casual to get you into bed, and then disappear. But, now that you know you don't want to get into a casual relationship, you can conduct yourself a certain way. Like, don't invite the guy to your place, or don't accept offers to go to theirs. Don't have sex right away. Talk about relationship goals (I want to get married and have a family one day), find out if they're relationship minded. Have a light grip; don't get overly-invested too soon. Typically (not always) a guy who just wants casual and doesn't get it in the first couple of dates will disappear. That has happened to me on multiple occasions. For instance, I went on a first date once, dropped the guy off at his motorcycle, and before he left my car he was like, "can I kiss you." I said yes, we made out a little bit, and he says, "do you want to go somewhere more private?" and I said, "no, I think this is enough for a first date." Then he told me he'd call me, and never did. But believe me, I was not anxiously waiting by the phone for his call. That's key—weigh words against actions. If that guy had called to set up a second date, I would have taken him more seriously, but as it was, I never heard from him again, so it didn't matter. Anyway, just take your time and be upfront about what your own boundaries are, and stick with them! 4
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Lol! Well my friend did meet her fiance on it, but I guess that's one rare expection yeah i wouldn't blame tinder. Plenty of good guys on there like anywhere. A lot of guys use whatever venues they can to meet/date women. When they come across a relationship type girl and if its in the realm of possibilities for them, a real relationship will also be an option for them--whereEVER you meet them. You may want to stack things in you favor with a more traditional site but if you don't show boundaries you will still be the one who gets presented with casual only no matter where you meet the guys.
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) Lol! Well my friend did meet her fiance on it, but I guess that's one rare expection I think it is possible, but again it's all about how one projects him/herself. You don't want a hook up, then don't behave like you want a hook up. Tinder and other sites are whatever you want them to be. Just because it was designed as a hook up site, that does not mean YOU have to treat it as such. It's all about your own behavior and responses/reactions to the men you meet. I remember one very successful and nice looking guy who sent me a nude photo of himself before even meeting me. I simply did not respond. Never said a word, just did not respond. Then he asked me if I liked it! Again, no response. I should add he had an awesome physique too ...but sending it to me was totally classless and showed little respect imo. Two days later, he texted apologizing for sending me the photo, and asked me out to dinner. I declined. Edited August 25, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Yes. I mean TECHNICALLY you don't have to necessarily have a big talk about it, because of course people can lie and say they don't do casual to get you into bed, and then disappear. But, now that you know you don't want to get into a casual relationship, you can conduct yourself a certain way. Like, don't invite the guy to your place, or don't accept offers to go to theirs. Don't have sex right away. Talk about relationship goals (I want to get married and have a family one day), find out if they're relationship minded. Have a light grip; don't get overly-invested too soon. Typically (not always) a guy who just wants casual and doesn't get it in the first couple of dates will disappear. That has happened to me on multiple occasions. For instance, I went on a first date once, dropped the guy off at his motorcycle, and before he left my car he was like, "can I kiss you." I said yes, we made out a little bit, and he says, "do you want to go somewhere more private?" and I said, "no, I think this is enough for a first date." Then he told me he'd call me, and never did. But believe me, I was not anxiously waiting by the phone for his call. That's key—weigh words against actions. If that guy had called to set up a second date, I would have taken him more seriously, but as it was, I never heard from him again, so it didn't matter. Anyway, just take your time and be upfront about what your own boundaries are, and stick with them! So if you meet a guy and he immediately starts talking about sex and making comments about your body or sexual related things and invites you over its ok to stop talking to him immediately ? I guess somewhere In life I learned that it's ok for guys to act this way and I should just acceptel it :/
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So if you meet a guy and he immediately starts talking about sex and making comments about your body or sexual related things and invites you over its ok to stop talking to him immediately ? I guess somewhere In life I learned that it's ok for guys to act this way and I should just acceptel it :/ omg, of course it's okay for you to stop talking to him! In fact, you SHOULD stop talking to him. Just out of curiosity though, where did you learn that you should accept such behavior from men. 1
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So if you meet a guy and he immediately starts talking about sex and making comments about your body or sexual related things and invites you over its ok to stop talking to him immediately ? I guess somewhere In life I learned that it's ok for guys to act this way and I should just acceptel it :/ Are you joking? Who told you that and where were you when it happened? Yes, of course you can stop talking to a guy who does that. I mean, guys CAN act that way, but any sane person would kick them in the balls if they did. Don't let a guy who talks to you like that get away with it. Call them out—or just stop responding. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I feel like young women have to deal with this more. I'm in my 30s and very rarely have I been approached by men in an overtly sexual way like this. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, by the way. There's no need to put up with that kind of ish though. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So if you meet a guy and he immediately starts talking about sex and making comments about your body or sexual related things and invites you over its ok to stop talking to him immediately ? I guess somewhere In life I learned that it's ok for guys to act this way and I should just acceptel it :/ If a guy even hints about sex before you meet (OLD) or on the first few dates, he's not relationship material. In my experience 95% of men on dating sites are just looking for a hookup. Many of them cleverly disguise this fact, but it doesn't take much inspection to figure out what they're really after. A man who wants a sincere relationship will make that very clear from the very beginning. If you don't feel good with a guy, if you feel pressured, if you feel doubtful, he's not the guy for you. PERIOD. It's not easy to find good men, but they are still out there. Don't bother with any man who doesn't make you feel happy, relaxed, and good about being with him. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So if you meet a guy and he immediately starts talking about sex and making comments about your body or sexual related things and invites you over its ok to stop talking to him immediately ? I guess somewhere In life I learned that it's ok for guys to act this way and I should just acceptel it :/ Sure guys think about sex (so do we). But yes just ignore him or stop talking to him. Of course, you don't have to put up with this. Just know that usually when a guy puts that stuff out there on first/second dates, he is testing you, doesn't have great judgement or only wants casual from you. If you ignore or call him out on it (lightly) then he transmit the message that you are not a casual hookup person and he was out of line. Guys who only want casual and only want sex will disappear and ones who were testing you or have bad judgement will usually scramble to backtrack and show you that they have other sides as well and are not just interested in sex. Basically because you're rebuff shows them you have self-respect and then they step up how they treat you. With the backtrack and scramble to fix, it depends on how bad their overstep was and what you think of them on the whole if you would let them have a chance to show you they are another sort of person as well. I personally think that the bad judgement is immature and shows that they are not very smart or savvy so it makes me less interested. That said it's all in how it is done and corrected. If it's all playful sometimes that's ok because at base of it all both men and women like sex. You don't have to move at their fast pace if you are not ready just do what's right for you.
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 omg, of course it's okay for you to stop talking to him! In fact, you SHOULD stop talking to him. Just out of curiosity though, where did you learn that you should accept such behavior from men. I think it's more that my friends and people around me make me feel so bad about being single (I'm 25) that I feel like I have to put up with anything because having a relationship and getting married is the only way to be happy
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Are you joking? Who told you that and where were you when it happened? Yes, of course you can stop talking to a guy who does that. I mean, guys CAN act that way, but any sane person would kick them in the balls if they did. Don't let a guy who talks to you like that get away with it. Call them out—or just stop responding. I'm 25 and it's more just that everyone always makes me feel bad about being single and pity me and makes it seem like getting married is the only way to be happy and sucessful in life. So I guess I learned to just accept however guys act cuz it's better to have someone around than be single. Although I'm so unhappy right now and feel like I don't want to date or anything till I'm 30 How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I feel like young women have to deal with this more. I'm in my 30s and very rarely have I been approached by men in an overtly sexual way like this. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, by the way. There's no need to put up with that kind of ish though. I'm 25. I think it's more that people always make it seem like getting married is the only way to be happy and sucessful in life and since all my friends are going down that route I feel like I have to put up with anything from guys just so I don't have to be alone and unhappy because apparently being single is super bad
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I feel like I have to put up with anything because having a relationship and getting married is the only way to be happy *falls off chair laughing* All you have to do is take a look around here to know that's not the case. There's a veritable flood of unhappy people in troubled relationships. If you're willing to "put up with anything", you're well on your way to being one of those people. There's no rush. The only pressure on you is, in the end, what you put on yourself. Take your time and find the right guy for you. 6
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm 25. I think it's more that people always make it seem like getting married is the only way to be happy and sucessful in life and since all my friends are going down that route I feel like I have to put up with anything from guys just so I don't have to be alone and unhappy because apparently being single is super bad It's a self-fulfilling prophecy as you will have a very difficult time finding a guy who will want to have a RL with you (let alone marry you)....when you behave that way. Men WILL test your boundaries.... that doesn't mean you tolerate it. You don't....you shouldn't. Respect YOURSELF ...and in turn men will respect you... and not see you as just an object for sex. Good luck.... 3
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's a self-fulfilling prophecy as you will have a very difficult time finding a guy who will want to have a RL with you (let alone marry you)....when you behave that way. Great point. If you don't respect you, how can you expect others to respect you? 1
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) I'm 25. I think it's more that people always make it seem like getting married is the only way to be happy and sucessful in life and since all my friends are going down that route I feel like I have to put up with anything from guys just so I don't have to be alone and unhappy because apparently being single is super bad Well that thought process is your first mistake---and will lead you down the road to very bad partnerships for you. Change that right away!! You just have to get comfortable to doing things in your own time. Which would you rather have: a marriage with the wrong guy where you don't feel very good about yourself OR single where you do feel good about yourself and still have a chance to find someone who makes you feel great? It's an easy choice. Get that mindset. It doesn't matter what your friends is doing. If they are getting married before 25, stats of staying together are not on their side-- so they are not "ahead" of you or doing better. And wanting to be with someone so you are not "alone" is a sometimes the loneliest thing you can do to yourself!! Spending time with someone or being in a committed relationship with someone you don't truly connect with is very lonely Edited August 26, 2015 by Versacehottie
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 It's a self-fulfilling prophecy as you will have a very difficult time finding a guy who will want to have a RL with you (let alone marry you)....when you behave that way. Men WILL test your boundaries.... that doesn't mean you tolerate it. You don't....you shouldn't. Respect YOURSELF ...and in turn men will respect you... and not see you as just an object for sex. Good luck.... Yeah actually was revising my advice in part to say that OP should spend a lot of time on tinder. What better way to get clued in to when a guy is only looking for sex or casual?? It's pretty obvious/blatant and a good place to start getting that weeding out muscle exercised. Then she can try in places where it would be less obvious (more traditional sites or real life guys). Has anyone ever read the malcolm gladwell books? You need a lot of experience to get good at something (I think that one much better worded is from "Tipping Point"). If OP just goes into regular dating situations or less hookup-y dating sites (in theory), the guys are going to be more covert and probably better at covering up their real intentions. If she goes tinder all the way, at least for a little while, she will at least get accustomed to a base level approach for sex only/casual relationships. On top of that, since it will usually come up on an app like that right away in messaging or even on the profile, she won't have invested much to at least learn how to turn on basic radar for this stuff. Go on tinder!
mystikmind2005 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 If a guy even hints about sex before you meet (OLD) or on the first few dates, he's not relationship material. In my experience 95% of men on dating sites are just looking for a hookup. Many of them cleverly disguise this fact, but it doesn't take much inspection to figure out what they're really after. A man who wants a sincere relationship will make that very clear from the very beginning. If you don't feel good with a guy, if you feel pressured, if you feel doubtful, he's not the guy for you. PERIOD. It's not easy to find good men, but they are still out there. Don't bother with any man who doesn't make you feel happy, relaxed, and good about being with him. I find myself constantly pushed by women in the direction of not showing i am relationship material. Why? because I'm trying to avoid getting hit with the needy/clingy label.... so what is left? it's the tough cold disconnected guy who is not clingy as per the requirement.
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