cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So I sorta started sering this guy from tinder (big mistake?) I guess originally I thought I was okay with having a casual hookup but after we hooked up on the second date I couldn't help but feel so guilty and used :/ right after we hooked up he left my house and that made me feel even worse. I'm not sure what to do now, I feel so used up and I thought I was ok with sometime casual but I'm not. Not sure if I should ever talk to that guy again either.
loveforever101 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Well if you feel used by him why even consider speaking to him again? If you're not okay with just a hook up then go find someone who will actually treat you like a woman and not an object. 1
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Well if you feel used by him why even consider speaking to him again? If you're not okay with just a hook up then go find someone who will actually treat you like a woman and not an object. I guess not tinder then since that's what it seems like most of the guys there want
mystikmind2005 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm a guy and i have experienced this exact same feeling. I have never been the type for casual dating, but i tried it a few times recently. The way guys usually carry on about this sort of thing, i have to say, well, the word 'overrated' is just way to weak to describe it. I'm even wondering if i need to see my doctor if there is something wrong with me? But my last relationship which lasted 5 months was intense, thousand times better than casual stuff, so why do guys love casual so much? don't get it at all? 3
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I'm a guy and i have experienced this exact same feeling. I have never been the type for casual dating, but i tried it a few times recently. The way guys usually carry on about this sort of thing, i have to say, well, the word 'overrated' is just way to weak to describe it. I'm even wondering if i need to see my doctor if there is something wrong with me? But my last relationship which lasted 5 months was intense, thousand times better than casual stuff, so why do guys love casual so much? don't get it at all? I don't get it at all either. I don't think you need to see a doctor, there is nothing wrong with wanting a connection with someone you have sex with. After this experience I don't think I'll ever have a casual relationship again 1
joseb Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I don't get it at all either. I don't think you need to see a doctor, there is nothing wrong with wanting a connection with someone you have sex with. After this experience I don't think I'll ever have a casual relationship again Well, don't sleep with them if there is no connection! I can do casual, as in with someone I have met recently, but there has to be a connection - we have to click.
cessna Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm sorry, it takes two to tango. If you felt used then maybe he does too. You were just as willing a participant as he was. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I don't get it at all either. I don't think you need to see a doctor, there is nothing wrong with wanting a connection with someone you have sex with. After this experience I don't think I'll ever have a casual relationship again Thanks I do try to be positive, i do try to value the casual sex experience as a beautiful memory, but compared to sex in a loving relationship there is just no comparison.... and how weird is it that there are so many people who actually run away from commitment because casual is so much better???? but i don't know, mebe it is because they got broken hearted too many times i think?
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I don't think you need to try and see it as a "beautiful memory." I had a casual thing last summer, and while I don't regret it, I don't look back on it with any real fondness. Yeah, I liked the guy and we got along (though he had issues) and the sex was great, but ... yeah, no, "beautiful memory" it was not. Chalk it up to what it was—a learning experience. Now you can go forward without ever doing that again if you don't want. Side note—Tinder, or any dating app, is what you make of it. People looking for relationships, and people looking to hook up are everywhere. The people on Tinder are the same ones you see at bars and concerts and coffee shops. What's important is learning how to discern what people are after while you date them, and being clear about what YOU want. If you don't want to do casual, then don't do it. There are ways of discerning someone's intentions before getting down, and if you figure that out first you can go in with eyes open. Don't throw away a whole method of meeting people just because you had a bad experience. 3
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Casual sex is not for everybody. I know it's not for me. If I'm not in mutual love with someone, I'm not going to have sex with them. My ex clubbing & cuddle buddy had a lot of ONS. She dealt with whatever bad feelings or guilt by never hanging out with or seeing the guy again.
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You always have to consider if the juice is worth the squeeze. You have to consider if a disease is worth it. You have to consider if pregnancy is worth it (even if a low percent). You have to consider is the physical release is worth it. The emotions. Your self-perception. All of those things DO come into play. Men are conditioned through puberty to value themselves via sex with many women. We are told that it's part of what makes us a man. It's not right, and a lot of time it creates very sexually jealous men...but know that it's a thing. Women are taught the opposite. Not as much as they used to be, but they still are. They are taught promiscuity is something of which to be ashamed. On top of that, add the female propensity to become emotionally involved. It's the choice you make for being an adult. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel like every intimate partner gets a piece of your soul. Most people can remember every encounter they've had unless they've gone overboard. I'm not an angel, mind you. I've had my regrets and some memories that I really value. But someday I'll find a wife and I'll have to look into her eyes and internally account for all the things I've done, as will she. That's my own personal burden, as it is yours. Just do you. Don't be pressured into anything. Live your own life without regrets. The guy you hooked up with is. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 so why do guys love casual so much? don't get it at all? Because it's an ego thing, not a connection thing. So with casual their ego needs are being met. They are not trying to get connection needs met. That's why you are happy in 5 month relationship; that was for connection (and perhaps some ego as well) needs primarily. 2
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm sorry, it takes two to tango. If you felt used then maybe he does too. You were just as willing a participant as he was. He was the one to leave immediately after sex. That would not indicate he felt used. If he liked her (for more than sex), he would have stayed. 1
RecentChange Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Not everyone is wired the same way, and thats fine! Don't have casual sex if it makes you feel bad. Nothing wrong with that, or to be ashamed about for guys or girls. Some people need a real connection with their partner. As for " not getting it" - people are just different. I have had amazing sex with someone I was in a committed loving relationship with, and I have had really amazing casual sex - something about the excitement and mystery of someone new maybe- I need chemistry with them, but there is something about sex with someone I don't have feelings for that I very much enjoy. Different strokes for different folks. 1
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I don't think you need to try and see it as a "beautiful memory." I had a casual thing last summer, and while I don't regret it, I don't look back on it with any real fondness. Yeah, I liked the guy and we got along (though he had issues) and the sex was great, but ... yeah, no, "beautiful memory" it was not. Chalk it up to what it was—a learning experience. Now you can go forward without ever doing that again if you don't want. Side note—Tinder, or any dating app, is what you make of it. People looking for relationships, and people looking to hook up are everywhere. The people on Tinder are the same ones you see at bars and concerts and coffee shops. What's important is learning how to discern what people are after while you date them, and being clear about what YOU want. If you don't want to do casual, then don't do it. There are ways of discerning someone's intentions before getting down, and if you figure that out first you can go in with eyes open. Don't throw away a whole method of meeting people just because you had a bad experience. When is a good time to let the other person know you aren't looking for casual sex ?
Ruby Slippers Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Tinder is known as a hookup app. Of course, some people say they made a real connection through it, but those seem to be the exception to the rule. It's safe to say that most men on Tinder are looking for a quick, easy hookup. Move on from this guy. As for whether to talk to him or not, I'm a big believer in honest communication. So if it were me, I'd tell him I wasn't interested in something casual, but only if he gets back in touch. If you don't hear from him again (possible), just delete his info and move on. And now you know that casual sex doesn't feel right for you, so you can avoid it in the future. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 When is a good time to let the other person know you aren't looking for casual sex ? Right upfront. Also you are part of the decision, let your actions speak to that too. Don't accept dates that have a hookup-y vibe, either the person or the activity. I think you don't necessarily have to do a talk but if a guy brings it up of course you can correct his assumption about anything casual between you both. I think it's better to do with actions. Lots of guys are going to try for the casual stuff and make that assumption that it's either ok with you or that you will fall for it in an effort to get him into you, into you. All you have to do is correct the incorrect assumption. I don't let people make assumptions about me that aren't correct. You can just turn it around like either with your words or actions, I thought we are here for a date or dating. If they are not ok with that, it's because they are 100% only looking for casual and you have saved yourself heartache and time. If they were somewhat in the middle, they will play things out and probably be more intrigued because you have some standards which now they have to live up to. don't just rollover in hopes that he will change his mind. That is the worst strategy
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Well if you feel used by him why even consider speaking to him again? If you're not okay with just a hook up then go find someone who will actually treat you like a woman and not an object. Honestly where the hell do these people exist I never meet guys like that
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 When is a good time to let the other person know you aren't looking for casual sex ? Before you have sex. 1
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Honestly where the hell do these people exist I never meet guys like that There are decent guys on here! Try the computer science department . I'm assuming you're young. Confident, young guys are more likely to want to hook up. But not all are like that. I've found a big indicator are hobbies. Does the guy do anything in his spare time? If not, his hobby is probably picking up women .
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Honestly where the hell do these people exist I never meet guys like that The same guys that you are meeting ARE those guys when they encounter a girl who doesn't let herself be their hookup. Well a small portion of them are incurable for wanting only casual. But stop letting guys make all the decisions and watch your existing options change.
Diezel Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So why did you invite him into your house on the second date? What'd you think was going to happen? And from Tinder?
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Before you have sex. I guess anytime before sex is good?
Author cookiemonster26 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 So why did you invite him into your house on the second date? What'd you think was going to happen? And from Tinder? I originally thought I would be ok with just a casual hookup, I was wrong
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Honestly where the hell do these people exist I never meet guys like that That is interesting, because when I was dating, I would be hard-pressed to find a man who did not treat me with respect. There is a saying -- you teach people how to treat you. From that very first meeting and all throughout your RL with that person. If you want to be treated with respect and not like an object, then don't behave as such. Which means not inviting men to your place on those early dates, and don't go to his. Keep the emphasis off sex. Respect yourself and if you sense all he wants is sex, dump him. Stay off Tinder! Try match.com instead. From what I understand, a higher calubur of people. Men who are seeking LTRs. Or try meet up groups. Behave with integrity and class. Become a woman men will respect, not just another object for them to have sex with. 3
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