Half Of What We Know Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So my first love I dated for about a year and a half. He was my first boyfriend as well. I was about 20 he was 22. All through out our relationship my friends and family thought he didn't treat me well but in true first love blindness, I thought he was great. Things went pretty well. And by pretty well I mean I never caught an inkling of cheating. In fact I saw quite the opposite in him. He starts talking about how I'm the one and he tells his family so. And I'm ecstatic. And then one day everything flip flopped. He ignored my calls, got really snappy with me and generally just pulled away. Finally after a time of begging him to tell me what was up I did what I felt was inevitable. I broke up with him. Days later I found out the truth. Another girl. It was so cliche and obvious I didn't know why I didn't think of it. To make a long story short, he jerked me around for two months with the whole, "I love you but I don't know if I want to be with you forever" spiel. It boiled down to him saying he wanted to try rebuilding our relationship from a friendship. Not just friends, he made the intent known for us to talk about things and straighten it out. I agreed and asked him to call me when his college finals were over later that week. He never called. In fact I would later learn that just a week after this conversation, he would start dating the girl. This was late September. The months pass by and I struggle to get myself back together. I did not contact him whatsoever during this time. In March we both attended a wedding. We said nothing to eachother but there was a lot of staring on both sides. It was uncomfortable and I ended up leaving. Nearly a month later, what I had once prayed for finally happened. A text from the ex. It said he was sorry we never got the chance to work things out and be friends. I was indignant. It's not my fault we weren't friends or never worked it out. He was suppose to call me. We both knew that. He never did. He decided to date her instead. And that's fine. But he should have had the courteousy of telling me so. I ignored his text. That was in mid April. Now here we are in late August and I think about that text every. Single. Day. And it bugs me. And it bugs me that it bugs me. Everyone tells me not to text him. But I keep thinking to myself, what was he trying to accomplish with that text. It wasn't a booty call. It wasn't a reconciliation text. So what the hell. Especially when he's still with this other girl. It makes no sense. That's question one. Question two is, I want to text him now that I'm happy and over him. As much as you can be of your first love. I just want to say that we were never going to be friends and that that's okay. But what wasn't okay was the way he treated me. And he should treat this girl better. He should be better. That's what I want to text him. But I don't want to absolve him of guilt. He should feel guilty. And I'm afraid that by texting him, I lose a bit of power or pride or whatever. I feel like this is something I want to say to him but I don't know if should or if it's even relevant anymore. Thoughts? Ps sorry for the long windedness and erraticness. It's late. Haha =] Help is much appreciated!
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Nope. No text. No reason to. You couldn't be friends because one of you (you, specifically!) still had feelings invested in the relationship. Now you still can't be friends so there is no reason to reach out to tell him. You owe him no explanation and it is time to just move on. 2
warrenorabbits Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 My god! I can answer without hesitation -- no, do not text him back. Cut this guy loose, and do so permanently! Honey, this guy cheated on you and then broke his promise to call you. He is a dishonest flake that you'd be a fool to spend another minute moping over. We could spend hours thinking about why he texted you that one time four months ago, but I wouldn't be too confident that it wasn't a booty call or attempt at reconciliation. With his track record, I'd venture to guess things were going south with this other lady and he saw you as the standby option. And what's all this about your family and friends noticing he wasn't treating you well? Bottom line, he's made you miserable in the past, he's doing so now and he'll continue to do so as long as you let him. For your own sake, please just get him out of your life for good. Block him on social media, your cell phone, the works. On days when you think about him again, go out for a drink with some girlfriends to distract yourself. And then find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve. 1
almond Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I ignored his text. That was in mid April. Now here we are in late August and I think about that text every. Single. Day. And it bugs me. And it bugs me that it bugs me. ... I want to text him now that I'm happy and over him. Does.not.compute. You're not over him. Do not kid yourself. Continue with NC. You still have a lot of healing to do, and communicating with him now is just going to bring confusion and misery into your life. Do not text. Block his number. 1
blackcat777 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Never. Text. The ex. Ever. It's like quitting a destructive habit... Any kind of triggering of a familiar feeling (getting that text) will make the mind stretch and reach for all kinds of reasons for why you should do it. But really, don't do it. Everyone talks about moving on, stroking the ex's ego, all of which are completely valid reasons. Plus, breaking NC opens old wounds--maybe not immediately--but there is often a crash after the initial buzz from making contact. Fast forward to the future, when you meet an awesome new guy: why on earth would you still want to be in contact with the ex? All hanging on to old threads will accomplish is muddling future relationships. Baggage like this will only bring future relationships down. When you meet a new guy, he deserves 100% of your attention, and you deserve 100% of his. Keeping NC is a way of creating space for good, healthy relationships to grow. The more you can distance yourself from something that came to pass, the more you can devote yourself to growing in the future. Give yourself the gift of space. 1
Author Half Of What We Know Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 You guys are absolutely right and I know that. Sometimes I think I just need a 3rd party to put my butt In gear sometimes. It's so hard when part of you wants to be with someone and the other part knows they're horrible for you and have treated you badly. I guess I just get frustrated because I spent nearly a year in therapy and I feel like it helped a lot but it didn't erase any of the feelings. Not that I thought it would. If I'm truly honest with myself, I still love him. And I shouldn't. He treated me horribly and he honestly isn't good enough for me. I don't mean that in a conceited way, rather I mean it from a place of where I can see how different out maturity levels are. Do you ever get over your first love? Maybe, maybe not. But I do know that any contact with him won't make me feel better. And that has to be my priority. Me. Thanks everyone =]
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