spiderowl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm curious - have you ever gone into a friends with benefits relationship, fully intending it to be only FWB, and then found you have fallen in love with your FWB? I am wondering how common it is. It is often thought that women are more likely to fall in love with a FWB but have any guys experienced this? Did love just sneak up on you?
Gloria25 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) Well, With my last FWB, I won't say I was "falling in love", but I guess you could say that I sorta was hoping it would become more than that - especially when he decided to file for divorce. No, I wasn't expecting him to jump and marry me or anything like that - I just thought I'd see more of him and we'd be a real "couple" I guess. It really hurt me when upon his divorce he announced not only that he started seeing other women, but that he 'didn't want to be tied down with anyone - as he was coming out of over a decade of being married' So, I blocked any/all way of him contacting me and didn't even say a formal "good bye" My 6 year guy? I had no desire/need for it to go anywhere cuz I was young and had no choice "but" to move away to pursue my life, education, goals, etc. Did it evolve into "loooove"? Eh, one time during sex I sorta mumbled something to him but I don't think it was "love" - especially how I see "love" defined at my age now (love, admiration, respect). But yeah, I did have strong feelings for him. Did I expect that to happen? I don't know, it just did. But then again, we were a perfect match in many ways. Sex was great, we got along, we had similar backgrounds and stuff. But, I evolved past him. See, that's why my dating situation is difficult...I don't want to sleep around, yet am not doing the whole "white picket fence thing". Worst, for casual things/FWBs I chose men who have what I want in a man I'd date, so while it's "supposed" to be casual, I guess I'm getting attached cuz I actually "like" them I mean, I could get sex right now...But I'm not looking for that alone. I can't get horny for a dude w/o getting to know a bit about him...Eh, so I guess that sorta is setting me up for falling for them How hard is it to just find a guy who would marry me w/o wanting kids? I just want a "long-term-monogamous RL. Geeesh...it's either a temp FWB thing or the whole marriage and kids deal... Edited August 25, 2015 by Gloria25
RecentChange Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) First rule of friends with benefits, is not to develop feelings for the friend with benefits! I have developed "crushes" - as in I think the little things they do, their smile etc is sooooo kewt! And being around them can give me some butterflies. But I don't know, I try to stay very conscious of it and keep my emotions in check - no day dreaming about being a couple, or a future of anything like that. If it's a real FWB situation boundaries should be set. And I had a longer term F' buddy, who I developed real feelings for - but I cared for him like I would care for a brother. It's weird, I wanted to see him happy, but didn't want to be the one to make him happy ever after (but I did actively try to help him land a bonafide girlfriend!) So no - I never fell in love with a FWB, but I also actively avoided indulging in any feelings that would lead me there. Just edited to add - my longer term guy was great to have around when I was dating - consistent source of great sex, yet I was still free to date and look for "the one" - which, heh, is what I guess you are looking for Gloria, no kids, not married - eh, doing decently on the monogamy front, one very short term affair by each of us over 14 years... Edited August 25, 2015 by RecentChange
Author spiderowl Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 It does seem as if one has to keep an emotional distance to try to avoid the risk of falling in love. I suppose if one starts out thinking maybe something could come of this, then you are already vulnerable but maybe if you know nothing will come of it, it would be better?
Woggle Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Quite honestly when I pursued my wife I was looking for another FWB after the previous one got a little unstable on me but within a month it was obvious I was interested in much more. After my first marriage I swore from this point on it will just be FWBs and casual sex but I saw she was the kind of woman I wanted to marry. The one before that fell in love with me but I think it was only because according to her I was the first man not to fall in love with her. To me it seemed like a case want what you can't have syndrome. As much as she complained about men catching feelings I think it fed her ego and when she met a man who kept emotions out of it she couldn't take it. 1
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 It does seem as if one has to keep an emotional distance to try to avoid the risk of falling in love. I suppose if one starts out thinking maybe something could come of this, then you are already vulnerable but maybe if you know nothing will come of it, it would be better? I think your point is somewhat how I may be seeing it - which is, if we didn't "label" it a normal RL, I wouldn't be scared of rejection and can open up and relax and I guess that makes me vulnerable...and, before I know it, my guard is down and I'm developing feelings
Author spiderowl Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 I think your point is somewhat how I may be seeing it - which is, if we didn't "label" it a normal RL, I wouldn't be scared of rejection and can open up and relax and I guess that makes me vulnerable...and, before I know it, my guard is down and I'm developing feelings The trouble with love is it creeps up on you and 'gets under the skin'. Yes, I suppose relaxing then means your guard is down and then unwittingly vulnerable again. Does it help if the FWB is obviously unattainable in relationship terms, e.g. far too young or already attached?
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 The trouble with love is it creeps up on you and 'gets under the skin'. Yes, I suppose relaxing then means your guard is down and then unwittingly vulnerable again. Does it help if the FWB is obviously unattainable in relationship terms, e.g. far too young or already attached? It doesn't matter if he's single, available, unavailable, etc....cuz at the end of the day you agreed to a FWB situation...I guess
almond Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 My boyfriend and I were platonic friends for two years. I had only had sex with one other man prior to this, so I asked him if we could sleep together as I trusted and respected him, and really wanted to explore my sexual desires. I did not want a relationship. Neither of us ever touched another person after we first kissed each other, even though we weren't exclusive (he always had a lot of success with the ladies, and would regularly kiss 3-5 girls on any one night out clubbing prior to us hooking up). He fell in love after a couple of months or so, and told me. I wasn't sure at first...I was too focused on my university studies at the time and didn't want to have too many distractions. I caved though soon enough, and 6.5 years later...we are still together and very much in love. It worked out well, and I feel that the solid friendship we had prior to becoming intimate provided a great foundation for a relationship. 2
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 My boyfriend and I were platonic friends for two years. I had only had sex with one other man prior to this, so I asked him if we could sleep together as I trusted and respected him, and really wanted to explore my sexual desires. I did not want a relationship. Neither of us ever touched another person after we first kissed each other, even though we weren't exclusive (he always had a lot of success with the ladies, and would regularly kiss 3-5 girls on any one night out clubbing prior to us hooking up). He fell in love after a couple of months or so, and told me. I wasn't sure at first...I was too focused on my university studies at the time and didn't want to have too many distractions. I caved though soon enough, and 6.5 years later...we are still together and very much in love. It worked out well, and I feel that the solid friendship we had prior to becoming intimate provided a great foundation for a relationship. Wow, what an interesting spin on "friends with benefits"!!! I mean, you two really were "friends" IMO, while the term "friends" is used in the FWB term, I think people use it not cuz you really have a "friend" you occasionally have sex with - but to make it more palatable then some guy saying "Hey, I wanna sleep with you at my convenience w/o having to do ONS with random people"... I sometimes have considered and sorta fantasized about that with dude - like we sorta enter into some agreement where we'd be friends and really get to know each other (for years even) and one day - like in the movies - we just naturally kiss and go from there But eh, I'm too old to put my love-life on hold like that for something that probably will never be...At least you were young in college and had time to burn at the time you met your guy. Besides, if we were left alone in the same room - I'm sure we'd end up having sex and not be able to restrain ourselves.
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