HurtHusband Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) I live with my wife and two young daughters. The eldest is 5. I have been through a lot with my wife in the previous year ( her cheating on me with my friend, resulting in her getting pregnant and later having an abortion) and have posted about it in a separate thread on this forum. Now she can be quick tempered, she gets stressed easily. I work, she doesn't. the eldest girl can be a bit boisterous, there is some sibling rivalry. I am a hands on dad and help out as much as I can and I know raising kids can be stressful at times. But one day two weeks ago she was particularly stressed and told me that the previous evening while I was at work she went to the doctor and got some medication for 'stress' The eldest daughter can give as good as she gets and often stands up to her mother/ talks back despite only being 5, which only antagonizes her mother more.. Now she said to me ' do something or I will kill or abuse her' I thought she was just having a bad day and being a bit dramatic. But if asked her are you serious? And she was very calm and said yes.. Now we did lots of fun family activities the following week ( water parks. Zoo etc) and now the eldest daughter is starting school this week and getting back into the routine. Everything seems fine, I know she loves the kids and is a good mother. But she can also be an unpleasant person. She is narcissistic, childish, of course she lied and cheated on me. I have never worried about the kids safety, but what she said and the fact she is taking medication scared me a little. I have seen her get stressed and smack the child on the top of the head which I don't like. I wound prefer if she could discipline the kid in a different way or else a smack on the ass... I am outside the US but every second day in this country there are stories in the media about mothers who get 'stressed' and kill their kids. The husband is ALWAYS at work. It's very common in this country. My wife obviously knows it's not right to kill or abuse your child but she told me she can 'understand' how these mothers feel and could do something that bad if she was stressed enough. That's her own admission. At the time i said I would talk to our daughter and teach her not to be naughty or fight with her sister. She is a fantastic kid, they both are. It should be easier now she is back at school. I was checking her phone and after her affair ended she got in touch with an old flame who is now married with kids and living in the states. She was inviting him over and they exchanged gifts and photos and the tone was 'flirty'. He wanted to be with her on valentines day to take her out for a romantic meal. They both complimented each other's looks.. I was back home for a month in July with the eldest kid and before I went she sent a text saying ' I am free for the whole month of July and come on over.. " I want to be back with you" anyways it was short notice and he is gone very quiet now with no texts between them since July. Before you ask I have talked to two lawyers ( one in my home country ) I know I don't have a marriage. She does not treat me like a husband. Cheating, disrespect, no sex whatsoever, has an aversion to using my family name despite being married to me etc etc For now I am staying in the marriage until I figure out what to do. I know she has a typical cheater personality problem..as far as my kids are concerned. I know there will be times in the future where she will get stressed, that's natural, that's part of raising kids. I just hope she never does anything stupid while I am not there or seriously hurts the child. Edited August 25, 2015 by HurtHusband
LivingWaterPlease Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) HurtHusband, whatever you do you must protect your daughters. I don't know the laws of your country but since you've contacted a lawyer can you ask him what you can do to protect your children? It seems to me, separating from your wife and getting custody of the children is in their best interest. Did you write down the time (date, hour, etc.) and her exact words when she said she would abuse or kill the older daughter and then later when she said she can see how people abuse their children? If not then go back and write it down as accurately (time wise and wording)as you can possibly recall. Try to recall any other times she might have said related things and write them down, too. You need to keep a running account of her threats on the children and also document times when she hits either of them on or near the head or even anywhere except for their backside. That is child abuse, even one whack to the head. Due to the fact that she is dangerous to the children you need to get them away from her asap. Any visits she has with them should be supervised. I do think parents can feel exasperated with their children when they're stressed but due to the fact that when you questioned her as to whether or not she was serious about killing them and her reply was, "yes," and also because of her statement(s) on how she can understand how a parent can abuse or kill a child you need to take action to protect them. Also, yes, divorce her because she's cheating on you and disrespectful to you. I don't know whether or not you have guardian ads litem in your country as we do in the USA. But, here one would be assigned to your children during a divorce/child custody suit. I'm sure a guardian ad litem could also advise you as to how to handle this situation. Please don't waste any time dealing with this. Edited August 25, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease 1
HereNorThere Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 The sooner you realize that, according to the laws there, those kids are not yours and she is not your wife, the sooner you can work on getting better. You have to walk away from all of them. Hopefully once the kids are of legal age, you can begin a relationship with them, but right now, you need to leave. It's done, it's over, finished. They aren't your kids and you have no legal right to them. You need to pack your stuff up and get to a more civilized part of the world. I'm sure that's not what you want to here, but that's the truth.
Author HurtHusband Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Thanks for the reply. I documented everything about her infidelity. Adultery is grounds for divorce, it may/may not have an influence regarding custody. I will document her comments/ the date/ and photocopy her prescription. I can't be at home to watch the kid all the time, I have to go to work. Of course I have to protect the child too. I would consider moving out with the kids if things escalated or if she told me again to 'do something'. She is a great cook, she reads with the kids, she is affectionate towards them.. Which makes it harder to understand. How can someone who appears outwardly like a normal parent say such a thing? Counseling is rare here, I suggested marriage counseling last year when I couldn't cope with the bombshell she dropped on me and she had no interest, said I can go by myself. The medication is probably just light sleep medicine. She has been taking medication to help her sleep for a long time. If I ask her about the medication she can be defensive or gets angry with me.. So I don't bother asking now
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Not to put to fine a point on it, but who gives a rat's butt that she cheated, isn't having sex with you, is texting another guy, etc etc. She made a comment that you think is serious which alludes to her harming her kids. Time to grab the kids, call a lawyer, and say you're nervous about their safety, then get the hell out of Dodge. Could be the meds, could be the stress, could be she's an awful person. Hell, she could look like Scar-Jo, put out like Pam Anderson, and have the attitude of the Virgin Mary. When she says stuff like that, and you think it's serious, who cares? Get the kids out and worry about the where and why she's feeling like that later. Call her doctor, call a lawyer, call the media... After you get the kids out. Don't swipe the meds and make copies of the prescriptions. That is illegal and highly inadmissible and leaves you open to scrutiny you probably don't want for yourself and your ethics. My husband did this for his ex, who's equally batty and unsafe, and the courts were not happy at all. Talk to your lawyer about compelling the court to have her produce it, along with a treatment plan she's adhering to. 2
Author HurtHusband Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Herenorthere You are not wrong! But as far as waiting until they get older. They are 3 and 5. I can only be a father to them as long as I am in their lives and an influence on them. I know many men would have walked after the crap she is after pulling... Yes you can reconnect with the kids when they are older, but many kids suffer years of parental alienation. The parental bond is broken and the parent with custody often reinforces a narrative with them as some sort of savior, the victim the 'good parent' and the other parent the bad parent. The kids are too young to question this or if they ask wheres daddy? They get no reply. Shared custody does not exists legally in this country and there are zero laws on visitation ( only sole custody and non enforceable visitation achieved through mediation ( appeasement) I know people say ' your kids are always your kids' don't give up hope! etc. but I know quite a few parents who lost their kids and now the kids are 16 or 18 and they are on fb but they don't reach out to the other parent. They are screwed up basically.
Poppyolive Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Hurthusband, this sucksm you need to get your ducks in a row and get ready to go. Keep track of everything. Keep up to date with your lawyer. Don't be fooled by the "sometimes nice" she threatened to kill or abuse the kids. Howany more times does she have to say it? What other actions does she need to take? This woman is very unwell. I work with kids, yes, they can drive me nuts, especially when they wait at the door to watch me pee. ..I would never dream of hurting them. Your kid is five! Just five! It's the pushing boundaries age. This is all on your wife, sges not well. Can't go blaming a 5 year old here. Marriage counseling isn't a priority now. Reading her texts isn't a priority now, her cheating isn't a priority now, your feelings aren't a priority now. YOUR CHILDREN'S safety should be your only priority now.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 She cheated on you with one of your friends, disrespect, unprotected sex, disrespect, got pregnant through an affair, disrespect and now threatens to kill one of your kids so the question is why are you still with her? Your fault friend. You let her disrespect you and now your paying a price. She gets stressed real easy but doesn't seem to think that her behavior didn't cause you stress? Your fault. You can right down everything she does from the threats of bodily harm to your kids to how many times she goes to the bathroom and your still going to be in the same spot so do the smart thing and unload her before she causes you more grief. If you don't, your fault.
MrBojangles Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 With all due respect, an internet forum is not the place to seek help with an urgent imminent threat to a child being harmed. You must seek immediate help from your local child welfare agencies without delay! For now, this is all you should be concerned about at this time! Forget about your cheating wife, and protect your children for God's sake! 4
Sassy Girl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You need sole custody. IF she has visitation it should be monitored. Stop worrying about how they 'might' grow up. There lives are on the line and you need to do some things to protect them from their Mom who has talked of killing them. Take action before you don't have them living anymore. Get them away from her. Line up care for them while you work and get their Mom some psychiatric help. OP lives in a country where men are not awarded custody. Read the backstory.
lollipopspot Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 OP what country do you live in? If you can't get custody, you have to stay with her, reduce the stress in the home as much as possible, and protect the kids. You chose the crazy mother, you made the kids with her, now you need to protect them.
Author HurtHusband Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Hello, I appreciate everyone's advice and concern. Thank you all. Yes, my first instinct would be to protect my child. It's just the older one she threatened to kill. I am just trying to make sense of it myself. Now the kids are 3 and 5. She has been stressed in the past like any normal parent raising kids, but never said anything like this... like poppyolive said my daughter is only 5! She is pushing the boundaries.. .
Fleur de cactus Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Forget about cheating and being the father of you kids and monitoring them. This is a serious threat to kids who cannot protect themselves. You need to do something immediately. Notify someone. You are not a therapist you cannot predict when she will snap. Don't assume that just because today she plays with kids, she will not kill the very next day. She told you already because she has those strange thoughts. Please contact local child protection. Even a therapist, counselor will help you to notify the right protection agencies to make sure the kids are safe. Act immediately. 1
Redheaded Mistress Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Why do you keep saying "she's only 5" like that means she can't be a handful? 5 year olds can be nightmarish. I've been reduced to tears by my kids when they were 5. Younger even. I remember breaking into tears over an infant who cried for like 3 days without stopping. Kids at that not toddler but not young child age can be unintentionally cruel, even intentionally cruel, certainly difficult to manage, stressful (no quotes), and it can be a lot to deal with. By your own admission, you work a lot... The smaller chunk of time you handle 2 kids is very different than being day in and day out with them. I think one of the big changes in my marriage was when my husband had all the kids for a week without my help. Suddenly the "they're just kids" and "how can you be so stressed all the time" turned into the brutal realization that my day starts at 6am and isn't over until the last trip to the potty and the subsequent battle to get them to fall asleep again at 10pm and, if I'm lucky, a nightmare hasn't driven them into bed with me at midnight, meaning I spend 22 hours a day six feet or less away from one or all of the kids. Days at the park and the zoo, that's what the lady needs. That's stressful as heck and solves nothing. Woman needs a break, time at a doctor, maybe a vacation, and some serious mental help. Not a husband who says that she's under "stress" using quotes like it's all in her head. In her head or not, what she feels is legitimate and she clearly needs help and you clearly need to get the kids, both of them, out. 2
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 HH, how is the plan coming along to leave the country you are in? I recall that being in the works... 1
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Oh my oh my.....get those kids out of there! NOW! Even if they go stay with a relative, they need to be away. Your 5yo is only mimicking your wife, it's learned behaviour. However your wife acts, what she says and what she does, the little girl will copy....I would have grabbed the kids and ran when she said that. She needs serious help, don't wait until you get a phone call saying 'honey I stabbed the kids' It happens....it's serious. I wish you luck in getting your babies away from her. 2
elaine567 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 YOU are not taking this seriously, your head is in the sand, but a woman on meds with a history of mental illness is capable of anything. She has told you calmly, she is capable of harming them. Just because she mentioned one, doesn't mean she isn't capable of harming both. Believe her and remove your children ASAP to a safe place and get her help. What about your parents, siblings, close friends? Mothers do kill children, it is not unknown. Mother jailed for 16 years for stabbing three children to death | UK news | The Guardian Mother who beat three-year-old Mikaeel Kular to death jailed for 11 years - Telegraph 1
sandylee1 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I thought you had a plan to leave this summer and take the kids to school in your home country. What happened to that plan. I recall you were applying for jobs in your home country. Quite frankly with her threats of abuse, I'd take the kids and relocate to a country she wouldn't think I would go to. One that recognised you have equal rights to your kids and I would put an all points bulletin at the Airports/Seaports l that meant the kids could not leave that country without your permission. Definetly never to return to Japan until they are adults. You are in a country that doesn't recognise your rights as a father , because you are foreign. You need to be on equal ground. No good mother threatens to kill their child. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 a 5 year old to drive you to this, it shows very poor parenting IMO. Your wife acts like a brat and that has transferred onto your daughter. Your wife is so selfish and it's all about her. If she had control and read some parenting books instead of cheating, she'd do much better. This is the mother who took your DD along while she was cheating. She is NOT a good mother and despite what anyone says when your cheating has a potential to distabilise your child's life you not a good mom or dad. All those who cheat and their kids can't play with the BS kids or it causes problems on the cheerleading team.....your actions in cheating have impacted on your kids, so it that regard you aren't a good parent. Or those who have affairs with a dad or mom at the kid's school, it affects your kids. Your wife shouldn't have been a wife much less a mother. She uses you as a meal ticket and her actions in thinking she could try and pin that kid on you were awful. Protect your children. Next time you could also try to discuss her saying she'd kill or abuse your daughter and record it covertly. If you come home one day and she's hurt your daughter, what will you do?
truncated Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Why do you keep saying "she's only 5" like that means she can't be a handful? 5 year olds can be nightmarish. I've been reduced to tears by my kids when they were 5. Younger even. I remember breaking into tears over an infant who cried for like 3 days without stopping. Kids at that not toddler but not young child age can be unintentionally cruel, even intentionally cruel, certainly difficult to manage, stressful (no quotes), and it can be a lot to deal with. By your own admission, you work a lot... The smaller chunk of time you handle 2 kids is very different than being day in and day out with them. I think one of the big changes in my marriage was when my husband had all the kids for a week without my help. Suddenly the "they're just kids" and "how can you be so stressed all the time" turned into the brutal realization that my day starts at 6am and isn't over until the last trip to the potty and the subsequent battle to get them to fall asleep again at 10pm and, if I'm lucky, a nightmare hasn't driven them into bed with me at midnight, meaning I spend 22 hours a day six feet or less away from one or all of the kids. Days at the park and the zoo, that's what the lady needs. That's stressful as heck and solves nothing. Woman needs a break, time at a doctor, maybe a vacation, and some serious mental help. Not a husband who says that she's under "stress" using quotes like it's all in her head. In her head or not, what she feels is legitimate and she clearly needs help and you clearly need to get the kids, both of them, out. Who gives a rat's behind about this mother being "under stress", in as much as it's being used by her as an excuse for bad behavior? It's one thing to say "I;m under stress, please help me", it's quite another to say " I'm under stress, and I might harm or kill my child". OP, talk to your lawyer about how to get your kids out of this situation, and then have a serious discussion with your wife. If as, you say, she identifies that she feels she could harm her child, ask her if she can make alternative arrangements to take some time for herself somewhere else once the kids are back in school again. Arrange for some after school care for them for while you are at work. Once she has left, she may find that being away form you and her kids is what is best for her and you and the kids as well. not everyone is cut out to be a wife and mother, and it sounds like she is one of those who isn't. Once she has that time on her own, she may end up being okay with a divorce and an arrangement where you have custody most of the time, with her spending enough time with them to know their mom loves them, but not enough so that she starts to get frustrated and hurts them. |Would the courts in the country you are living in support such an arrangement if you were both fine with it? 2
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I recall your story, HH. It's a tough one to read even without this latest revelation. Two practical questions which you'll want to be able to answer at some point even if you can't do it now: 1) Is it legal where you're at to record your wife without her knowledge? 2) Will recorded statements like the one you mention in the first post have any impact on divorce, custody, or criminal law? Good questions for a lawyer.
sandylee1 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Who gives a rat's behind about this mother being "under stress", in as much as it's being used by her as an excuse for bad behavior? It's one thing to say "I;m under stress, please help me", it's quite another to say " I'm under stress, and I might harm or kill my child". Exactly. There's no excuse for her threatening to kill. She didn't feel stress when she was sleeping with and getting pregnant by another man did she? No stress when she attempted to get HH to sleep with her and try and pin the kid on him following the OMs advice. No stress when having an EA with her ex. HH - You have a duty to protect your children. Your wife is unsafe and to say she understands mothers who kill their kids is a big red flag. Of course kids can be challenging, but maybe she needs to give you full custody and take it from there. Why don't you let her live alone and you take the kids. She can visit them. If your wife can support herself and pay all her bills , then you and the girls can get an apartment with the kids in Japan or move to your home country with the kids.
Author HurtHusband Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) I went back home in July for a month with the elder daughter. I really needed a break. I felt like I had reached my emotional limit. I wanted space, time to think and also time to talk with lawyers. I also wanted my daughter to attend summer school and bond with her cousins. Well the trip was great for my kid, she did a lot and practically lived with her cousins for a month and had loads of fun with them. I talked to a female lawyer in my home country. Her advice was to leave my wife, quietly find another apartment and move out with the kids. Arrange child care and than go from there. That's normal/legal in this crazy country. She was a no nonsense type straight to the point. It gave me a bit of a boost to hear her opinion, of course I know it makes no sense for me to work hard and provide for my family while my wife is fooling around or looking for my replacement..she understood that straight away and it felt good to hear it. I talked to another lawyer in this country ( also a woman ) she listened sympathetically. As far as custody goes, the kids almost always go to the primary care giver which is usually the mother. If I left with the kids, I would have to become their primary caregiver and show that I'm looking after them and taking them to school etc. She said it's not impossible to get custody if your a man, or even a foreigner but it's not easy either. Her final words were be careful if you go to work cause if she leaves with the kids it's hard or near impossible to get them back! ( OH ok , I'll just stitch their little faces to my lap and bring them to work instead) Those final words just sum up everything for me really, I don't fancy my odds and no way in hell would I try anything in this country. It's a shame because I have a good job here and my kid is going to a great international school. But I just don't think I could win custody here. I would be naive and stupid to think otherwise. As far as negotiating with my wife and working out some sort of shared co-parenting. I don't feel comfortable with that either, as nothing is guaranteed and she can cut me off on a whim. This way leaves everything up to her, she is the judge and jury and I have to take it or leave it. There is one more lawyer I want to talk to who is one if the most knowledgable and experienced lawyers in the area of international divorce. I think my best option is if we all went back to my home country and just stay there. The kids have passports for my home country. She can fight me all she wants, I will show her, her texts to the OM where she is planning to see him and says she wants to be 'back with him'... Explain that to me?? your going to fight me over custody of the kids but at the same time your pleading with me to "Do something or you'll kill or abuse them" how is any of this normal or acceptable and you just expect me to endure this and do nothing?? I will have a full explanation ready and send it to her mother and every one of her friends. At the end of the day who cares about their opinion but I am tired of suffering in silence and I want the truth to be out there and I want to explain my reasons for divorcing her. It will all be there in black and white. She can't deny it and everyone will know. So talk to one more lawyer, bide my time for a few more months and than that's it. Also sandylee1 thank you! ( thanks to all the other posters too) you are spot on. There is no excuse for saying your going to kill or abuse your kid. I know she loves the kids, I know she can be a good mother. But I felt bewildered, you lie to me, cheat on me, we have a car, a lovely apartment and money to do whatever we please, and now you drop this on me? What am I suppose to think? I don't want to have to make sense of her actions any more. If I could wave a magic wand and make her disappear I would. I can imagine life without her and being much happier. All of the unhappiness and heartache she has caused me.. I have had enough to last me a life time and I am a changed man. My wife has had two overseas holidays so far this year. Her life is not hard. I had to work 9-3 at my daughters kindergarten last year than go to a second job in the evening knowing that she's pregnant by someone I thought was a friend than later her starting up an EA with an old bf. Go through all of that, work weekends too, pay for everything, I should be the one who is stressed and threatening to kill people! Thanks again everyone Edited August 27, 2015 by HurtHusband
truncated Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Do your kids have dual citizenship? What would happen if you took them to your home country and didn't return?
sandylee1 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Do your kids have dual citizenship? What would happen if you took them to your home country and didn't return? He said they have dual citizenship in a previous thread and he's also mentioned them having a passport for his home country in his last post.
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