tdot.freddie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Folks, I'm not sure if I'm putting this in the right forum. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years and have been living together for one year, so I'm not sure if we really qualify as "dating" anymore. Anyways, we had a "fight" the other day where she said something that upset me and I felt very angry. I say "fight" because I don't think that what I do is considered fighting. As I always do after a conflict, I needed to be alone to compose my thoughts. If I don't get this time to think I'll just stay angry and not say anything, that's just how I am when I'm angry. I'm always prepared to talk to her after fighting, and in my opinion I'm always willing to be fair and accept when I'm wrong, but I do also need that time alone to think before I can say anything. My girlfriend thinks that it's childish for us not to be able to face each other immediately after fighting, and that we should split up because we cannot communicate. I think that it is foolish for us to split up like this, and that instead we could just be considerate for each other and work things out in a way that we are both capable of managing. What do you folks think?
Leaa Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 This was exactly like my ex and I. We would bicker a lot, via text, and even if one of us apologized my boyfriend would need some time. We would fight over something stupid, and if i tried to explain myself at the end and figure out how to fix it he would get mad. He would always ask me to leave him alone. It was never long, I would leave him alone for just like 45 minutes, and then he would text me and say "i love you". The problem though, for me, was we would never solve these problems. We would always glaze over them because he never wanted to talk about them, and i was always afraid to bring things up. This was part of the reason we broke up, I just wish I didn't fight as much and let him cool off more, gave him more space. I understand you completely, but your girlfriend needs to understand too.
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I think you are right and what you do is very common with how guys deal with problems (some of us girls too!!!). As long as you come back and do the discussion in a reasonable amount of time and don't use it as the other poster says to just gloss over and ignore the problems not resolve because you don't like conflict. Women like your gf are just very verbal and their emotions flow more easily. I'm not saying she's wrong. For the sake of the relationship and healthy fighting and conflict resolution, the most even playing field is the one you recommend--just because you have to go with whoever is slower to process the info, as long as it's reasonable. Plus then less things will be said in heat of anger. I know what you mean because if my thoughts are gathered it's not easy to get the problem solved. Tangents and incomplete thoughts. And I find as a girl talking to a guy, the most succinct, clear way is best way to get to root of problem. Maybe that's benefit your gf could take advantage of? Just saying there could be positive in her for her too. Sure a lot of us can fly off handle, even somewhat respectful and well worded but message is often vaguer than it needs to be and emotionally-charged.
Author tdot.freddie Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies everyone. Just an update. It was Sunday evening that my girlfriend and I had a fight, and I stepped out of the house to get some fresh air and to get my head straight. While I was out cooling off (for about two hours) she messaged me that she will be staying at a friend's house for the night. She stayed out again for another night, and we haven't seen each other for two days now, which I think is unusual for two people who are living together and too long for a couple who are having a fight. I cooled off on Sunday night and was ready to talk, but she has been running away for a couple of days now saying that she is now too emotional to talk to me. In the meantime, she has been texting me in detail how she feels very badly and thinks that our differences are too great for us to negotiate, and that our two year relationship might be over. I have texted her back that we need to speak to each other before making any decisions, and I have avoided getting into any great discussion through text-messaging because I think it's better to solve things face-to-face. I firmly believe that this fight is something that every relationship goes through and can be relatively easily fixed if we can both be adults and speak to each other. I'm concerned that the more time she spends avoiding talking to me, the more she will become cemented in her thinking that we cannot fix this.
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Thanks for the replies everyone. Just an update. It was Sunday evening that my girlfriend and I had a fight, and I stepped out of the house to get some fresh air and to get my head straight. While I was out cooling off (for about two hours) she messaged me that she will be staying at a friend's house for the night. She stayed out again for another night, and we haven't seen each other for two days now, which I think is unusual for two people who are living together and too long for a couple who are having a fight. I cooled off on Sunday night and was ready to talk, but she has been running away for a couple of days now saying that she is now too emotional to talk to me. In the meantime, she has been texting me in detail how she feels very badly and thinks that our differences are too great for us to negotiate, and that our two year relationship might be over. I have texted her back that we need to speak to each other before making any decisions, and I have avoided getting into any great discussion through text-messaging because I think it's better to solve things face-to-face. I firmly believe that this fight is something that every relationship goes through and can be relatively easily fixed if we can both be adults and speak to each other. I'm concerned that the more time she spends avoiding talking to me, the more she will become cemented in her thinking that we cannot fix this. She is giving you a taste of your own medicine or her interpretation of it. This is what it feels like to her when you need time to compose your thoughts. It feels like you are disappearing and shutting her out. That's why she did this to you. I'm not saying who is right or wrong here. I think your approach in general is totally justified and reasonable 45minutes-2hours cooling off time. However, now you want to talk and she doesn't want to. This is exactly how if FEELS to her when you do what you do to her. Two days when you live together seems unreasonable and like she is shutting you out. I don't think she is being reasonable that you can't work out how you guys plan to handle fights and disagreements. I think she is being one-sided and emotional and trying to manipulate you. That said, she may not want to make a compromise or work out fight styles with you so it may be unfixable in her mind. You are now going through exactly what she goes through feeling wise when you won't talk to her and you don't find it reasonable. You just need to find out if you can come to an agreement and be on same page about how to manage your disagreements. Or neither of you will "win".
Author tdot.freddie Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 She is giving you a taste of your own medicine or her interpretation of it. This is what it feels like to her when you need time to compose your thoughts. It feels like you are disappearing and shutting her out. That's why she did this to you. I'm not saying who is right or wrong here. I think your approach in general is totally justified and reasonable 45minutes-2hours cooling off time. However, now you want to talk and she doesn't want to. This is exactly how if FEELS to her when you do what you do to her. Two days when you live together seems unreasonable and like she is shutting you out. I don't think she is being reasonable that you can't work out how you guys plan to handle fights and disagreements. I think she is being one-sided and emotional and trying to manipulate you. That said, she may not want to make a compromise or work out fight styles with you so it may be unfixable in her mind. You are now going through exactly what she goes through feeling wise when you won't talk to her and you don't find it reasonable. You just need to find out if you can come to an agreement and be on same page about how to manage your disagreements. Or neither of you will "win". Thanks for the reply. Your advice seems positive to me, although the worrying part of me is still concerned that if I get to speak to her she will just say it's over and refuse to hear or say anything else, or that I'll come home one day and randomly find that all of her stuff has been moved out. I'm really hoping that we can just sit down and talk about what has happened. I'm not even interested in blaming her for disappearing like this and making me worry, I just want a fair chance to say that on Sunday she hurt me badly and I needed some time to recompose myself. Basically, I just want to go back to Sunday evening, where everything should have been worked out, and forget the past two days of abandonment. I can't say any of the things I need to say to her as even right now she doesn't seem responsive to texts or calls. Essentially, I'm stuck here sitting on my hands worrying, and that's the worst feeling for me.
Versacehottie Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 well yeah that's normal to feel like that. You live together so you will have a chance to talk to her about things. I like to give constructive advice so people don't end up right back in same situation so I hope you get to talk to her and that she's open to figuring out better fighting styles with you. Not just reconcile without fixing this huge problem. Good luck.
Author tdot.freddie Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 well yeah that's normal to feel like that. You live together so you will have a chance to talk to her about things. I like to give constructive advice so people don't end up right back in same situation so I hope you get to talk to her and that she's open to figuring out better fighting styles with you. Not just reconcile without fixing this huge problem. Good luck. I sure hope she's willing to figure something out. We're supposed to fly to a wedding on the other side of Canada on Thursday, and I'm even more worried now that she's just avoiding me long enough that she can ditch the trip and stay here, leaving me to fly by myself (I have to go to the wedding, it's one of my closest friends getting married). Having that happen to us would stress me out even more, as I wouldn't know if she's at home crying, or moving out, or doing something else completely.
GemmaUK Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 This has happened before where you walk out, obviously. Do you tell her calmly that you are off for a walk to clear your head? Does she know you will be 2 hours when you do this/when you have done this in the past? It sounds like she has had the same thing happen once too many times and she is serious this time in the only way that she knows will make you aware of that - by doing the same thing as you do to her. If she really has had this happen once too many times though she could be deadly serious. I know because I have packed a bag ready to walk out right when he got in from work one night following a pretty horrific weekend. This was just a week before we were moving house too. It was for a different reason though, it wasn't him needing cool off time after an argument, it was over something else entirely. Would you be at all willing to let us know what happened and why you felt hurt? What was the fight about?
ChicagoSparty Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It really just depends on whether or not you're actively working an issue out or just cooling down and moving past it. The latter is dangerous. I went through that in my marriage. It's incredible what not working through even smaller problems does after things have accumulated. When it hits the fan, you've got your big primary issue...but then, as you start trying to fix it, it just becomes peeling back later after layer after layer of unresolved crap.
Siquijor Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Communication is paramount in any serious relationship. I've made that mistake a couple of times. I don't think you've done anything wrong because you've tried to talk it over with her when she cooled down, but maybe your girlfriend is pissed because the argument didn't lead to hot steamy sex directly afterwards.
GemmaUK Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I sure hope she's willing to figure something out. We're supposed to fly to a wedding on the other side of Canada on Thursday, and I'm even more worried now that she's just avoiding me long enough that she can ditch the trip and stay here, leaving me to fly by myself (I have to go to the wedding, it's one of my closest friends getting married). Having that happen to us would stress me out even more, as I wouldn't know if she's at home crying, or moving out, or doing something else completely. We posted at the same time. Yup - that is the kind of thing that happens when someone has had enough of a behaviour. Social things like that exacerbate. If she doesn't want to go feeling she is faking a relationship she probably won't. Why are you texting and not even talking? I'm a woman but if it were me in your position I would have already been to try and see her. I would not just be texting short answers asking if we could talk. Not if the relationship meant anything to me anyway..
Recommended Posts