edgygirl Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Haven't read all the posts, but I'll share what happened to me last year in the same situation as OP. My therapist told me to NOT stop dating others until there was commitment from him. I went against my gut feeling and stopped dating others anyway. Everyone seemed boring in comparison. We were practically in a relationship anyway. I wish I had listened to her. It ended badly. He is not giving you commitment, therefore he doesn't deserve commitment from you. You are setting yourself (and the relationship) up for failure. Let him miss you and figure what his feelings while you date others and become a little more dettached. I wish I had done that. I agree with Gaeta - 3 months in, a guy knows if it can work long term or not. 4
myothernic2 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Personally, I see being bf/gf as more than just agreeing not to date others. Those labels, like the "commitment" label, mean to me that we see ourselves as a couple and that we do not see any limits on the relationship. Now that doesn't mean that the relationship will necessarily progress to whatever the next step might be, but it does mean that we both see the possibility of progression and even have a desire for progression. I think you need to be really clear about what the gf/bf labels mean to you so you can articulate your position and understand whether his matches. You are so right, a lot people try to say "it's just a title, it doesn't mean anything if he's spending time with you etc" but it actually does mean something. There are feelings and meanings behind claiming and wanting that title and/or making it official. I like what you said about the "desire for progression", that is a good way of explaining it. If he does not have that and you want something long term, who cares if he's going on dates, not sleeping with anyone else at the moment or doing other things with you. 1
MovingOnIsHard Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I'm a little late to the wine party but here's some foid for thought to further encourage you to walk away. My current bf was also in a long term relationship, 5yrs. They broke up and was single for a year... He dated here and there...Then we began dating. From our first date, i knew that he was someone who would commit to me and i could see long term potential. 3 weeks after, we decided to formalize our relationship: no more dating other people (though neither of us did after our first date) and making our relationship transparent to others. He himself asked me outright if i was seeing other people and was so relieved to know i hadn't been. Both of us had been burned from past relationships, yet here we are. Both of us know what we want and we're both ready to commit to another. Come sept, we will be 4months in. When a guy is ready for a real relationship, like one poster said, he will move mountains for you. When he isnt ready, it doesnt matter what his reasons are... Walk away and let him figure himself out -- without you. Go and find a man who's on the same emotional page as you. 3
UltimaWeapon Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) I was that guy in my most recent situation ( If he says he is not ready for a relationship- he truly means it) I was in the same position as him. I was seeing my girl from Feb 2015- till July 2015 She wanted a relationship 3 months in- I told her I wasn't ready After 5 months going onto 6- I wanted to make it official. I am 24..she is 21 The girl I was seeing wanted a relationship right away. after seeing me a handful of times. It felt too rushed and based on my past experiences and the things I have went through- I did not want to rush into something like this. I was in a 4.5 year rel that ended wit her cheating on me and leaving me for someone else (2010), I was also in several other small flings after that never lead to a full blown relationship (seeing, dating ,etc) I got played with way too many times and every single time I felt I developed strong feelings- something would happen for it to end. I got tired of this happening and wanted to be cautious the next time around! I told her how I felt from the beginning- We agreed from the beginning to see each other exclusively and that I was not playing games- I was committed to her and only her and would not continue seeing her if I did not see that this did not have potential. I just wanted things to be relaxed, care free and fun. When she brought it up- it was after seeing each other a few times in person. This was in the 2-3 month period. We would see each other once a week usually- I tried to keep it slow paced and very comfortable for both of us. We would talk all day and text/ call when needed as well- we were in contact all day everyday! I just wasn't ready for a full blown TITLE at the time- it scared me to be honest- I was very cautious- because of my past- every single time I got close to someone - they would pull the other way and change their feelings. It made me closed off- and I had trust issues because of this! It had nothing to do with my feelings for her but I told her when she brought it up- I am not ready for a full blown relationship right now but I want to continue to see you and take it from there- we are heading in that direction! I needed more time to develop those feelings for her- I was reserved and closed off and I wanted to fully let her in and be myself- that is what I told her. This was at the beginning as well as in the 3 month period of the relationship. 2 months go by- the relationship between us continued to increase in intensity - we hung out together on Canada day and she slept over- I felt it was the right time to ask her to be official finally. and to ease her concerns about the whole "title." She even told my friends that day- I am waiting on him to make it official between us. 2 days later- she comes over again and I pop the question of us being official- she was not even happy or excited about it- she replied with " why now?" to which I addressed- 5 months have passed- going onto the 6th month now - I feel that I am finally ready- my feelings have developed strongly for you and I have opened up- and after Canada day it just feels right. I really like being with you - you make me happy - and I see a future with us. She starts going on about " Why should I be in a relationship when you want too?" I told her- Isn't this what you wanted all along? I am finally giving you the title that you wanted- even though to me we are both BF and GF in my eyes at least- we have done things that a BF and GF do. I just wanted you to know I am on the same page as you and for us to finally have this title. She just starts giving me more excuses " I made it too easy for you" " You put in no effort" " You didn't wine and dine me " " 2 months ago when I brought it up- you weren't ready so I took that thought out of my mind" " You want to take away my freedom now" " you gave me 2 months to doubt you and this relationship" I let her finish...and I realized there was no "Yes..I want to be with you coming"...it was just reasons why she can't be with me now. To me this was a flat out rejection. I lost my cool and I told her you are giving me bull**** excuses- After 5 months going onto 6- you are now telling me all this? If you felt like this why did you continue to see me ? Why are you still with me? Do you want to be with me? " I don't know now" What do you mean you don't know? " I want you to wait for my answer- Like I waited for yours" Why would I wait when this is what you wanted all along? Why are you acting like this now? " Because I am not sure anymore- I took that thought of us being serious out of my mind" And ye to sum up- we got into a huge argument. I told her you have no idea what you want- you flip flop on your emotions. You say one thing you do another- I was genuine and honest with you from the beginning. I never lead you on or tried to play games- you are know giving me complete bull**** excuses- There is no Yes there. I got really angry and yelled those things at her and eventually made her cry. She ended up telling me- I was gona say yes to you but you made me cry and yelled so I couldn't? -def a cop out on her end. Anyways ..after that she did not want to fix anything between us- I tried to reach out to her and talk to her ..apologize on my behalf..she apologized on hers. I even sent her a huge bouquet to her door right after the argument to show her how sorry I truly was and to cheer her up because I felt bad....she just after that day kept telling me..I am discouraged..I don't want to fix anything now...I don't want to talk about it...I need time and space...I don't think I feel the same way anymore after this argument?? How the argument made her change her perspective? She even started criticizing me heavy on things that never mattered to her before... She kept me in limbo the entire month of July..wanted me to wait 2-3 weeks on her basically without seeing her because her parents did not want her to see me..and she did not want to lie to them... This was all really sketchy on her end and by the end of the month she just told me she was "out" and that I was pressuring her too much and she just didn't want to deal with this now. She moved down the street from me - 2 mins away literally...and she has not made any attempts to want to resolve our issue...we could have met up so easily and gotten passed all this...but she had to make this so complicated. I am really hurt now because I actually took my time to open up-let her in- she knew all the crap I went through before- and she did this to me..I am completely shattered now- she literally back stabbed me I would have never expected this from her tbh...I actually trusted her and thought she was crazy about me- with her actions now I can clearly see she did not give a **** about me or my feelings or anything. It was about HER She completely stonewalled me to the side- did not want to meet up or anything. like why continue to see me for 5 months going onto 6 if you were going to reject me when I asked you to be official with me? She wanted this all along!! Now I have to deal with all of this- she even guilt tripped me and said this was all my fault? All she could have said was yes I want to be with you. She started all this drama with the excuses.... I really don't get it. And things were great with us before all this like I said- we were together on Canada day and she slept over - was really affectionate in person- I thought she was really crazy about me- but clearly I wasn't worth the effort to fix things over this argument. We would see each other 1-2 times a week usually There was a lot of red flags with the girl I was seeing that made me even more cautious and made me doubt her- but I looked passed all of them because I wanted to give what we had a chance- I did not want to discard it over things like that. I put her to a higher regard. - she pursued me at the beginning to the point where I literally did nothing- she threw herself at me and was infatuated with me from the first time we hung out- it didn't feel right at all - she had a lot of guy friends and guys she would hang out with (huge red flag in my eyes) - I later found out- some of these guys she even hooked up with previously - she would text me how all these other guys were hitting on her and how she was curving them- In an attempt to make me jealous- she would show me phone conversations - she would constantly tell me about how guys were hitting on her - she would send me 10 selfies a day ( I could tell she was very insecure and played it off as if she was really confident) - she constantly needs to be the center of attention - she always looked for validation - always needed to be taking pictures of whatever she was doing - was a party girl - had a huge ego and was never wrong- her pride was her number 1 priority - she def displayed HUGE narcissistic character traits DESPITE all that-- I still looked passed all those things and decided to make her my GF but of course she now apparently did not want it anymore.. ******************************************************************************** So what I am saying is- give him time!!! If he is doing everything you want just give him more time to open up! I know how he feels- I was in the same spot as him!! Be understanding! and im glad you have been!! just don't do what my girl did to me and reject him!!! He is probably scared to commit after his past- he doesn't want to get hurt or is still cautious. Those feelings will eventually go away if he wants to make it official! It did for me as well! theres always 2 sides to every story! If you truly care about him and want this to work- communicate that to him! Edited August 28, 2015 by UltimaWeapon
Qboro90 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I was that guy in my most recent situation ( If he says he is not ready for a relationship- he truly means it) I was in the same position as him. I was seeing my girl from Feb 2015- till July 2015 She wanted a relationship 3 months in- I told her I wasn't ready After 5 months going onto 6- I wanted to make it official. I am 24..she is 21 The girl I was seeing wanted a relationship right away. after seeing me a handful of times. It felt too rushed and based on my past experiences and the things I have went through- I did not want to rush into something like this. I was in a 4.5 y ************************************************* So what I am saying is- give him time!!! If he is doing everything you want just give him more time to open up! I know how he feels- I was in the same spot as him!! Be understanding! and im glad you have been!! just don't do what my girl did to me and reject him!!! He is probably scared to commit after his past- he doesn't want to get hurt or is still cautious. Those feelings will eventually go away if he wants to make it official! It did for me as well! theres always 2 sides to every story! If you truly care about him and want this to work- communicate that to him! ^^ This is an extreme example and not the norm so not sure if that's the best way to convey it. UltimateWeap's girl was a unique situation and your actions through it all don't really translate here. On a side note also Ultimate, you need to step away from the events and timeline with this girl and stop revocalizing and reposting the who,what,where,when,and why of your break up so frequently. This is at least the 12th time you've written down what happened with her and why you're upset and confused and angry about it. None of that is changing. If writing it down makes you feel better then that's fine but writing it down isn't also going to change what happened or somehow give you the answer and clarity you're looking for. Once again I'll advise you to step away from her and the whole thing and occupy your time with other friends and events. Writing down what he said she said from February till August every day is excessive and also showing us perhaps why this girl changed her mind about her feelings towards you. 1
UltimaWeapon Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) ^^ This is an extreme example and not the norm so not sure if that's the best way to convey it. UltimateWeap's girl was a unique situation and your actions through it all don't really translate here. On a side note also Ultimate, you need to step away from the events and timeline with this girl and stop revocalizing and reposting the who,what,where,when,and why of your break up so frequently. This is at least the 12th time you've written down what happened with her and why you're upset and confused and angry about it. None of that is changing. If writing it down makes you feel better then that's fine but writing it down isn't also going to change what happened or somehow give you the answer and clarity you're looking for. Once again I'll advise you to step away from her and the whole thing and occupy your time with other friends and events. Writing down what he said she said from February till August every day is excessive and also showing us perhaps why this girl changed her mind about her feelings towards you. It helps writing it out and I wanted the OP to see things from my perspective as being the guy on the other end. My situation just recently happened so I am doing my best in dealing with it - its been a month since it ended..and ye I realize it won't change anything..day 10 NC Edited August 28, 2015 by UltimaWeapon
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Talked last nights. I cleared up I wanted exclusive with long term potential, who knows how long bc no one has crystal ball. I said exclusive to me means we like eachother, not dating anyone else and not wanting to date anyone else/ won't. I asked do " do you want to keep your options open?" Date others? Etc. He said no and he agreed to exclusivity: just seeing eachother. I told him I didn't want to be strung along and didn't want this to turn into something casual or FWB. He gave me a weird look said said he didn't want hay either and if he Did then we would have ended already. Basically he said he's not ready to label bf/gf. I told him I found this odd and didn't see difference between exclusive and bf/gf as he said he was good with exclusive.i also told him our dates, activities, communication etc would stay the same, told him he wouldn't have a mountain more of responsibilities and k wouldn't be asking all sorts of things from him ( picking me up etc). He explained he would simply feel more pressure, not from me but in his head, self put. He explained In his last 4 year relationship he felt very trapped like he couldn't leave. He said the girl was always in a state of crisis. He didn't want to get into them all but he said her father died of Cancer when dating. He said they were still in a good place in their relationship then, however more external things keep happening ( crisis for her) and they started having interpersonal problems. These problems were never fixed and brushed under carpet as all this girls situational crisis continued. He explained she was very dependent on him etc and he felt he couldn't get out. So at least this explains some behavior. I DO feel emotionally better and have the closure I wanted in terms of definitely establishing exclusivity. Just to cover all bases I made sure we agreed we wouldn't have sex with anyone else either. I asked if he would be ready for a simple label any time soon and he said yes he can see himself getting there. I asked will you bring this up on your own or should I check in with you. He said he would bring up in own but if I'm unhappy or wanting to know anytime for me to talk with him again. He said to keep open communication which I said was good. After that he asked what my evening plans were and we took me out/ paid for dinner at a nice place close by. Also good news with his job- he got hired by the aquiring company and got a raise. So the label thing will perhaps just take time. For all purposes in my mind he is my bf. Since we agreed to exclusive and I told him all his actions, way he treats me are great and he's a very nice guy. One final question I had was since he' isn't ready for a label, how would he deal with someone who might ask him out. He said he wouldn't go out with her and say he is seriously dating someone. So yes, I can see some fishy holes but at least his previous relationship gives this some context and I told him I was still a little confused about this label thing but glad we agreed to exclusivity and what that means Edited August 28, 2015 by ThisisIt606
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 He explained In his last 4 year relationship he felt very trapped like he couldn't leave. He said the girl was always in a state of crisis. He didn't want to get into them all but he said her father died of Cancer when dating. He said they were still in a good place in their relationship then, however more external things keep happening ( crisis for her) and they started having interpersonal problems. These problems were never fixed and brushed under carpet as all this girls situational crisis continued. He explained she was very dependent on him etc and he felt he couldn't get out. In other words he's making you pay for last girlfriend/relationship mistakes. That indicates he is not fully over what happened in that relationship. Over her sure, but not over the hurt and pressure. That part of the conversation would not impress me and would probably convince me to let him go but I understand you are emotionally involved now so you'll give it more time. I can understand that. One final question I had was since he' isn't ready for a label, how would he deal with someone who might ask him out. He said he wouldn't go out with her and say he is seriously dating someone. I'd say this is where he saved the day. I am satisfied he said: 'seriously dating someone'. Without this I am not sure I would have agreed you give him more time but this is actually great he said that. I am glad you feel better and things have been cleared :-) 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I hope this works out for you but I kind of don't like how he felt "trapped" when his ex needed his support. It doesn't sound like her father dying of cancer was some manifactured drama. Makes me wonder how likely this guy is to stick around and not feel "trapped" when things get though. Just make sure that you don't completely neglect your needs in trying to make him happy by being "cool", "independent" and "going with the flow". From your other threads/posts - you don't naturally seem like that type (nothing wrong with that, I am not either). 2
Empyrea Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Yay! I can even relate a bit, I've always been weary of the r-word, as well as the gf/bf labelling, it just makes me uncomfortable and has some bad associations for me. So I've tried to avoid that in the past, but have become ready for them at a later point in time. For example with my last LTR - we were exclusive and in a relationship in everything but name for a long time (like a year I think) before we made it publicly official. And another time, when I was pressured into labelling a relationship publicly when I wasn't ready (I had already agreed to being exclusive and made up my own name for it and everything), that just made me completely have a panic attack and feel suffocated and I ended up breaking up with the guy like a month later. So it's definitely good to communicate, not pressure someone into something they're not ready, but also express your own needs. So I think you did good and I hope it all works out for the best 1
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Fabulous! Just as I suspected would happen. Good job...now you can enjoy the relationship, enjoy each other, and allow things to progress, naturally and gradually. Have fun! 1
MovingOnIsHard Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Basically he said he's not ready to label bf/gf. I told him I found this odd and didn't see difference between exclusive and bf/gf as he said he was good with exclusive.i also told him our dates, activities, communication etc would stay the same, told him he wouldn't have a mountain more of responsibilities and k wouldn't be asking all sorts of things from him ( picking me up etc). There is a difference between being labelled officially as gf/bf and not. How far will you let this go, to be introduced as someone he is "dating seriously" vs "girlfriend"? Especially since he is getting all the benefits of having a girlfriend, who isnt officially his girlfriend yet? Also, there is nothing wrong with having expectations from a relationship. A true bf/gf relationship means there are fair give and takes.. For example, it is reasonable to ask to be picked up and ask for assistance. That is not a hard thing to do. It's not all about wine and dines... Have you been introduced to his friends/family yet? If so, how did it go about it? Since you seem to have decided to stick around for him, i hope things work out for you.
elaine567 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I believe you capitulated to keep him around and that is OK, but my advice to you is keep a little part of your heart safe, as I do not see this progressing in the way you want it to. He is still processing stuff from his last relationship and that makes you a rebound. Rebound relationships do NOT tend to work out well for those, who hurt and damaged people rebound onto. So after all that angst, the bottom line is that he is still unwilling to make you his gf, after 12 weeks of fairly intense dating, he is still unwilling to give you a "simple label". Be careful here. 5
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 OP, don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're feeling better but how is the last convo different to the one in your first post? He's still not ready to commit. Still unwilling to be your boyfriend. The below sounds commitmentphobeish, keep your guard up.. Basically he said he's not ready to label bf/gf. He explained he would simply feel more pressure, not from me but in his head, self put. He explained she was very dependent on him etc and he felt he couldn't get out. 3
Recommended Posts