fitnessfan365 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Which if I had to guess is precisely how he is interpreting what she wants...as most men would. Katie, look at her statements here : I then told him I am looking for a LTR soon. But honestly don't see how what were doing is different that something more official, only there is no label. Since she brought up wanting a LTR w-a label, how is he misinterpreting that she wants a committed relationship?
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Katie, look at her statements here : Since she brought up wanting a LTR w-a label, how is he misinterpreting that she wants a committed relationship? Her post 62..second paragraph.. But after reading her later posts, I concur that what she wants is for him to *commit* to exclusivity and LTR. Which is fair. I just wonder if that is how HE interpreted the conversation they had. He may have interpreted it as her wanting a full blown commitment...after three months. I mean, ff, you yourself have interpreted a woman simply wanting to date one at a time as her wanting a *commitment*. I recall several threads wherein you expressed that concern and how baffling it was to you how she could want a commitment on the first date. When all she said was that she prefers to date one at a time (as opposed to multi-dating), which has nothing to do with commitment. It is simply a dating style, a preference. So I think the OP needs to be VERY clear tonight in expressing what she wants, so as to avoid him thinking she is asking for a full blown commitment after only three months. She wants what they have NOW, but with a title, and a definitive agreement to be exclusive. Which is totally fair now that I have thought about it further. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 I know it's late but I've been doing a lot of thinking. I hope things work in your favor with the job. I really like you and enjoy spending time with you. I'm looking forward to seeing you after work and having a good conversation about things ^ just texted him that. Really don't want to end it but if he definitely tells me tomorrow he can't commit: doesn't want to and has NO idea when then idk if I can continue. After I'm being so open and honest with him. He read this last night after I sent it ( around midnight). He replied now saying: "Hey sorry for the delay in responding to this. It has an absolutely crazy 24hrs and it's still not through. I really enjoy spending time with you as well and looking forward to talking" Which to me is very eh neutral. He's being nice and wanting to meet but this seems like he will stick to his story of not wanting a relationship now/not sure when he will.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 When all she said was that she prefers to date one at a time (as opposed to multi-dating), which has nothing to do with commitment. It is simply a dating style, a preference.. Disagree w-you here and it sounds like semantics to me. When someone says they only want you to date them, they're saying they want you committed to them. Now the length may be undetermined because it could end after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years. But the second you become exclusive and only focus on one person, you're committed to them IMO.
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 He read this last night after I sent it ( around midnight). He replied now saying: "Hey sorry for the delay in responding to this. It has an absolutely crazy 24hrs and it's still not through. I really enjoy spending time with you as well and looking forward to talking" Which to me is very eh neutral. He's being nice and wanting to meet but this seems like he will stick to his story of not wanting a relationship now/not sure when he will. Try and think positive. Just explain that what you want is essentially no different from what you have now, with respect to time spent together, etc. You just want to eliminate the uncertainty of not knowing whether or not he is still keeping options open to date others...even though right now he does not happen to be dating anyone else. You are into him enough to close off other options and date him exclusively, to identify what you have as a "relationship." And if he does not feel the same, or not ready for same, then you need to walk away. Don't get angry..it he isn't ready, simply wish him well and say goodbye.... Fingers crossed! 2
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Disagree w-you here and it sounds like semantics to me. When someone says they only want you to date them, they're saying they want you committed to them. Now the length may be undetermined because it could end after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years. But the second you become exclusive and only focus on one person, you're committed to them IMO. I have no interest in debating this dating one-at-a-time versus multi-dating style issue with you. It has been argued, discussed, dissected ad nauseum on this board, if you still don't get it, I don't know what to tell ya. Except to say you are entitled to your opinion. This is off topic anyway, I just used as an example. Back to the OP's situation.
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Disagree w-you here and it sounds like semantics to me. ***When someone says they only want you to date them, they're saying they want you committed to them. *** Now the length may be undetermined because it could end after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years. But the second you become exclusive and only focus on one person, you're committed to them IMO. Quote in asterisk .....that's precisely my point. He may be interpreting her simply asking for exclusivity and a relationship as her wanting some sort of a formal commitment. Which to most people, would be too soon after dating only three months. So again, she just needs to be super clear about it....as as to avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretation. That's all.... Edited August 27, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Maleficent Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Quote in asterisk .....that's precisely my point. He may be interpreting her simply asking for exclusivity and a relationship as her wanting some sort of a formal commitment. Which to most people, would be too soon after dating only three months. So again, she just needs to be super clear about it....as as to avoid misunderstandings and misinterpretation. That's all.... If that were the case wouldn't he have said something more along the lines of 'I would be interested in a relationship but I would like us to take a few more weeks/months to get to know each other' as opposed to 'I'm not ready and don't know when I will be' ? 2
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 If that were the case wouldn't he have said something more along the lines of 'I would be interested in a relationship but I would like us to take a few more weeks/months to get to know each other' as opposed to 'I'm not ready and don't know when I will be' ? Ideally yes! But the "talk" may have taken him by surprise, and his words did not come out quite right. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here. They will be talking again tonight, she we shall see.... From everything she has posted about him (her initial post), he doesn't seem like the type who would string her along ...but you never know. 1
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 If that were the case wouldn't he have said something more along the lines of 'I would be interested in a relationship but I would like us to take a few more weeks/months to get to know each other' as opposed to 'I'm not ready and don't know when I will be' ? Plus, even though she may not have used the words'*committed* relationship, he still may have interpreted it that way. People interpret things differently sometimes....it's pretty common actually.
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 honestly don't see how what were doing is different that something more official, only there is no label. OP, there is a big difference between what the two of you are doing and being a GF/BF. The difference is that the GF/BF label implies a sense of commitment and this is what he is not willing to give. Keeping your expectations low gives him the opportunity to walk away whenever he decides to because after all, you are only casually dating. He is treating you as a convenient option, someone who provides him with company, intimacy, support without him having to risk anything, least of all any feelings. Which to me is very eh neutral. ^ Neutral is an accurate description of where he stands with you. Do you want to be with somebody who is neutral about you or do you want to be with somebody who is crazy about you? Think about that when you have your talk with him. You could "give him time" but people don't normally go from lukewarm to madly in love. Things progress easily and naturally when both parties are on the same page and looking for the same thing. And when they are not, the relationship drags and stalls until the person who has their feelings on the line finally leaves all heartbroken and hurt. Don't put yourself thru that.
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 OP, there is a big difference between what the two of you are doing and being a GF/BF. The difference is that the GF/BF label implies a sense of commitment and this is what he is not willing to give. Keeping your expectations low gives him the opportunity to walk away whenever he decides to because after all, you are only casually dating. He is treating you as a convenient option, someone who provides him with company, intimacy, support without him having to risk anything, least of all any feelings. ^ Neutral is an accurate description of where he stands with you. Do you want to be with somebody who is neutral about you or do you want to be with somebody who is crazy about you? Think about that when you have your talk with him. ****You could "give him time" but people don't normally go from lukewarm to madly in love. Things progress easily and naturally when both parties are on the same page and looking for the same thing. And when they are not, the relationship drags and stalls until the person who has their feelings on the line finally leaves all heartbroken and hurt.**** . Last paragraph ....that is actually a very good point! Even though my boyfriend and I did not formally commit to each other until around the six month mark, we both knew we were on the same page and heading in the same direction... So that's important! 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) To be fair our initial convo was a few days ago was over text. So a lot can get lost over text when I would have asked more follow up questions in person/ could read body language. The convo asking if he was over his ex was in person and I could see by his immediate reaction that he was/ trusted him on that. Tonight I will get the answers I need ( mainly exclusivity or does he want to keep options open) and by the 3 month mark if he wants to keep options open ( I do not) then I'm out. Won't be mad or hostil about it but just a good talk, knowing neither one of us is a deceptive person, just may have different wants at the moment. I will also be clear that I'm not asking him to " predict the future" in terms of will he still like me/ want to be with me x weeks from now. Simply do you like dating me enough that you want to just date me and close off any other options. Edited August 27, 2015 by ThisisIt606
introverted1 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 When someone says they only want you to date them, they're saying they want you committed to them. Now the length may be undetermined because it could end after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years. But the second you become exclusive and only focus on one person, you're committed to them IMO. Not exactly. I don't multi-date for the most part. I have a pretty demanding job, a family, outside interests, etc. So I don't have time to date more than one person at a time. If it came up, I would say that I am only dating that person but this is NOT the same as being committed to that person. It's not a statement of emotional investment but time limitation. Other people may prefer to date one-at-a-time for various reasons but not necessarily because of commitment. In the OP's case, it sounds like she is committed to the guy, but the guy sounds like he just *happens* to be dating only the OP. She wants commitment and that's not what he's offering. My $.02 2
Gaeta Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Disagree w-you here and it sounds like semantics to me. When someone says they only want you to date them, they're saying they want you committed to them. Now the length may be undetermined because it could end after a few dates, a few months, or even a few years. But the second you become exclusive and only focus on one person, you're committed to them IMO. For what it's worth I disagree too unless you want to elaborate on what is a commitment to you? When ex-boyfriend asked me for exclusivity on our 3rd date it meant we were going to date only each other. It didn't mean we would start making long term plans together, didn't mean we would get family involved, and it didn't mean he would start spending the night over. Not at all. It meant we will only date each other and let it unfold on its own. We went on dating twice a week as our usual. My only 'commitment' was to not pursue other men. 1
anduina Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 He didn't give me exclusivity. He said he's currently not seeing anyone else. He did NOT say he's not interested in dating anyone else like I told him about me. Regarding the sex, I told him I don't like to have sex with guys that are having Alex with other girls. To which he replied, it's a fair standard to have and he's not a fan of multi dating. Which could read as exclusive but never came out and said " I don't want to date anyone else but you" which is something important to lay out. I'm gong to clear this exclusivity up tonight, lay out my cards where I am, what bf/gf means to me ( no different actions to take but agree not dating others and don't want to date others/ won't) see if he has any inkling of when he might be ready for a relationship and if he's ready one day to let me know bc I think this is worth revisiting. But I can't stay in limbo while I'm giving him my time and emotional energy, just getting more attached as he sits in the fence.This sounds like a solid plan. Stick to it and don't let him play the pity card about being stressed at work. He already used it once to back you down. 1
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Tonight I will get the answers I need ( mainly exclusivity or does he want to keep options open) and by the 3 month mark if he wants to keep options open ( I do not) then I'm out. Won't be mad or hostil about it but just a good talk, knowing neither one of us is a deceptive person, just may have different wants at the moment. I will also be clear that I'm not asking him to " predict the future" in terms of will he still like me/ want to be with me x weeks from now. Simply do you like dating me enough that you want to just date me and close off any other options. ThisisIt, you're not being very clear, at least on here, with what exactly it is that you want from him. If all you want is sexual exclusivity you'll probably get that, he has already implied he doesn't want to sleep with anybody else for the time being. But if you want somebody who sees a long term relationship potential with you I don't think he'll provide that. He already told you directly he doesn't want and is not ready for it. Just be upfront about what you want. If he says he can't give you those things walk away. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 For what it's worth I disagree too unless you want to elaborate on what is a commitment to you? When ex-boyfriend asked me for exclusivity on our 3rd date it meant we were going to date only each other. It didn't mean we would start making long term plans together, didn't mean we would get family involved, and it didn't mean he would start spending the night over. Not at all. It meant we will only date each other and let it unfold on its own. We went on dating twice a week as our usual. My only 'commitment' was to not pursue other men. Yes, I like this. This is well phrased what I want. I'm not looking to jump into meeting families right now or any of that. All I want is the security that he is NOT interested in keeping his options open/ not wanting to date anyone else. And IF that changes he tells me and we end it. Or if he currently wants to keep options open, I'm ending it tonight. No expectation of family dinners or holiday time together are on my radar now.
ImmortalDracula Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 You are merely a time filler or the next anchor point in his eternal ocean. I envisage a relationship more an entwine of two souls. He tells thee enough to keep you dangling, wanton more. Carrot horse, drip feed, not fully, truly accepted into his soul - call it what you will. Why would he still be hung up on his ex x 4 years? You are making excuses for him and his ability to not commit to eg you – do you realize that. Hang around and be nothing more than a fleeting passing moment of time; a page, perhaps a small chapter and certainly not a novella. Ask him. Force the issue – there will be ultimate consequences for this un Or tip toe, evermore. And realize your current value – no-one has a crystal ball and can forsee the future. 5
RebelWithoutACause Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Yes, I like this. This is well phrased what I want. I'm not looking to jump into meeting families right now or any of that. All I want is the security that he is NOT interested in keeping his options open/ not wanting to date anyone else. And IF that changes he tells me and we end it. Or if he currently wants to keep options open, I'm ending it tonight. No expectation of family dinners or holiday time together are on my radar now. Well, the name of this thread is: Agreed not dating others, but he isn't ready to "formalize". If you already agreed to this, then why the talk? IMO you're setting yourself up for disappointment when you lower your standards just to keep a guy around who's not interested to begin with. But good luck anyways. 1
Maleficent Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Ideally yes! But the "talk" may have taken him by surprise, and his words did not come out quite right. Giving him the benefit of the doubt here. They will be talking again tonight, she we shall see.... From everything she has posted about him (her initial post), he doesn't seem like the type who would string her along ...but you never know. I wouldn't say he's stringing her along at all. He didn't pretend he wanted to be with her to keep her as a FWB - he's been pretty clear about where he is at. This just looks like people are trying to make excuses for him as to why he would maybe want to commit when he was pretty clear that he wouldn't... There no benefit of doubt to give imo. It's pretty clear. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Well, the name of this thread is: Agreed not dating others, but he isn't ready to "formalize". If you already agreed to this, then why the talk? IMO you're setting yourself up for disappointment when you lower your standards just to keep a guy around who's not interested to begin with. But good luck anyways. Bc I think this deserves talk in person and not just text. Want to know what he means by " formalize" and want to know if he wants to keep options open ( date others or just date me). He lives with his gf for about 2 years and they shared a dog. So if that's what he's thinking by formalize/ where it could head.... Could not be more off. I'm not willing to live with anyone or share any type of major living property for many years, aka when I'm engaged then married to someone only
introverted1 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Personally, I see being bf/gf as more than just agreeing not to date others. Those labels, like the "commitment" label, mean to me that we see ourselves as a couple and that we do not see any limits on the relationship. Now that doesn't mean that the relationship will necessarily progress to whatever the next step might be, but it does mean that we both see the possibility of progression and even have a desire for progression. I think you need to be really clear about what the gf/bf labels mean to you so you can articulate your position and understand whether his matches. 1
katiegrl Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) Bc I think this deserves talk in person and not just text. Want to know what he means by " formalize" and want to know if he wants to keep options open ( date others or just date me). He lives with his gf for about 2 years and they shared a dog. So if that's what he's thinking by formalize/ where it could head.... Could not be more off. I'm not willing to live with anyone or share any type of major living property for many years, aka when I'm engaged then married to someone only Of course it deserves a talk in person. Everyone knows how ambiguous texts can be. And how so often things get misinterpreted. Same with all forms of written communication really....e-mails, posts on a message board! lol Let us know IMMEDIATELY how it goes...lol Again, fingers crossed it was just a miscommunication and things will get straightened out tonight.....either way, and you can either move forward together OR separately -- in peace. Edited August 27, 2015 by katiegrl
Qboro90 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 If the conversation occurred via text then there's really no point in any of us trying to figure out the true meaning. Most of the time texts get misconstrued and taken the wrong way when in fact the person who texted it didn't mean it the way you read it. Also most of what the Op is upset about is one particular sentence her guy said regarding exclusivity going forward. If the words he said weren't as transparent or definitive as she would've wanted then it's unfair to assume the worst intentions out of him. A simple explanation from her that she wants to clarify what he meant is all that's needed. Again he can just as easily say what she wants to hear just to win her over. She's not asking for anything different as far as actions go so if it's a matter of words and mindset exclusivitity then that's just a trust issue. Either she trusts what he says and doesn't think he's the type of guy to search out other girls and mistreat her down the road or she doesn't. The conversation they have tonight won't change any of that.
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