Agreed not dating others, but he isn't ready to "formalize"

[Maleficent]

 

Date other people in the sense of 1st dates and IF i feel like there is another guy from these first dates that I would like to pursue then I would take the chance and end things with my current guy who doesn't want to "formalize things"

 

Just because it looks like he's being a douche, doesn't mean you have to do the same thing.

 

you can either stick around to see if he changes his mind or move on and see if you'll match up with someone else but it's not right to stick with him to make sure you don't end up alone if you can't find someone else...

[Jj66]

Goodness. Is a guy not allowed to be a little bit afraid of commitment? That's all that's going on here.

[ThisisIt606]

Do you see where he did not give you exclusivity?

 

He avoided the question all together.

 

I personally don't even like dating around IS NOT the same as I am not going to have sex with others.

 

OP - a question that could actually have affected our answers....how old are you two? (If you don't mind saying)

 

we are both 27.

[Maleficent]

Goodness. Is a guy not allowed to be a little bit afraid of commitment? That's all that's going on here.

 

He is not Just a little afraid to commit. He flat out said he didn't want to commit and didn't know when he would be ready to.

[HereNorThere]

I've been this guy a million times. I always had sexual exclusivity in my FWB situations, mostly because of health and safety concerns. That, and I didn't want to share fluids with some strange guy I didn't know.

 

Here's the deal - you're going to end up way hurt out of all this. It doesn't matter why he doesn't have want a relationship with you. What matters is that he doesn't. You aren't going to figure him out and fix him, wait it out, nada.

 

This is the very end of your relationship. You're breaking the FWB contract. If you want to continue sleeping together and having fun, you need to stop asking so many questions. You know everything you need to know.

 

When man wants a woman, he'll move mountains. This guy wouldn't move a dentist appointment. Sorry, but this is not the one. Detach now as much as you can, because your days are very numbered.

[kismetkismet]

I don't really think it's fair of the people that are telling her to stick it out to assume that this guy doesn't know his own feelings. From the way that he is communicating with you it seems like he's a pretty emotionally mature and self aware person. He even checked in with you to make sure you were ok with the fact that he didn't want commitment when you do. If you've been together for 3 months and he doesn't even want to put a label on it (saying he is your boyfriend is not committing to marriage) then I don't see it changing any time soon. Staying with him is selling yourself short. just because you both want different things doesn't mean you're not both good people.... you just want different things. It will wear on you and you will likely begin to resent him, he'll feel the pressure and push back even more.. You'll wind up feeling angry with him for wasting your time but you won't really be justified because he has made it so clear. It seems like he will really feel bad for hurting you, and for wasting your time, and I don't really think that's fair for either of you. I think it's really strong of you to assert very clearly what you want, but just becaues he knows that doesn't mean he's going to change his mind.

 

Maybe if you leave things on good terms now there's a chance that you will reconnect when you are more in the same place. But I think that if you waste your own time things will likely end badly.

[ThisisIt606]

Thanks everyone, as much as it pains and disappoints me, in my heart of hearts I know he won't change his mind even though his actions towards me are so kind. I plan on ending it tomorrow at dinner. We had plans for him to come over after and I would run my audition material by him for this group I'm trying out for and then he'd sleep over.

 

However that won't be happening. For my own heart and sanity I need to end it at dinner. Tell him after sleeping on it, we are on different pages and I'm not interested in continuing with the relationship. Hearing him voice his thoughts while of course valid and appreciated that he was honest, put a damper on things for me and sucked the fun/ excitement out of it bc I know he's not interested in anything more official.

 

While it's sad and it sucks, better for me to get out now than to lower my bar and live a lie.

Edited August 25, 2015 by ThisisIt606

[kismetkismet]

Good for you. I think you're going to thank yourself for this down the line. It's so so hard to leave a situation that feels so close to being right, but you deserve something that IS right, and someone that wants the same things as you do. Let us know how it goes

[ThisisIt606]

Well that night didn't go as planned....Monkey wrench was thrown in that his company got acquired and he might lose his job. He talked about that/his anxiety (justified) for most of the dinner and I felt awkward and bad about bringing up how the relationship as is, isn't working for me.

 

He came back and I was definitely acting distant and he picked up saying he's never seen me this tired (which I also was) He noticed I didn't really eat my dinner too. After sometime of keeping my physical distance more than normal, I asked him about his 4 year relationship as a reason not to "formalize" things with me.

 

I asked if he was still hung up on her or he just didn't want to risk getting hurt again. He said he was over her and he said it so quickly/no hesitation and by the expression of "omg" on his face, I do believe him that he's over her.

 

He said it was "more the latter, entirely the latter" meaning that wasn't ready to put himself in that vulnerable position again. He asked if I felt better now. I said yes, bc worrying if he was not over his ex was really weighing on me.

 

We were intimate which I guess in hind sight wasn't a good choice. But I did need it for closure, just one more night. We cuddled after like normal, pillow talk and laughed a lot. In the AM he apologized that I probably didn't have a veyr restful sleep due to him tossing and turning a lot and getting up (stressed about his job situation and his knee was in pain from his recent surgery).

 

 

I told him to keep me updated about the situation since he had to go into work early this AM for a meeting in which he MIGHT be told about job situation. He kissed me goodbye before we parted ways to get to work.

 

He texted me about an hour later and said a close coworker got fired this AM and things were't looking good. Told him "oh no! well fingers crossed" he said; "yeah thanks, it's been a bloodbath so far". I told him oh boy, "yikes, sounds messy. Does it seem like everyone will know their fate today?" He said "no idea, still nothing on my calendar".

 

I told him "oh boy, that's nerve wracking. Best of luck!"

 

^ I tried to pull back a bit in my texting and not being as supportive, trying to make him laugh, etc as I normally would have been.

 

I knew I had to end it and soon... so I texted him this afternoon and asked to meet tomorrow after work. (Did not ask about his job situation bc I wanted to just get a met up time across/trying not to care bc I shouldn't).

 

I picked a park that's convenient for both of us and we decided on a time. I'm going to say my wants (LTR/formalized relationship and after hearing that he's not looking for a formalized, exclusive, commitment relationship it feels as though a damper has been put on the relationship even though I really enjoy spending time with him/getting to know him. Want to find someone who's ready and proud to call me his gf.

 

Then see what he has to say.... if he's willing to let me walk then and there, I guess it would have never worked out if I decided to stay.

Edited August 26, 2015 by ThisisIt606

[Strahatmak]

Well that night didn't go as planned....Monkey wrench was thrown in that his company got acquired and he might lose his job. He talked about that/his anxiety (justified) for most of the dinner and I felt awkward and bad about bringing up how the relationship as is, isn't working for me.

 

I told him to keep me updated about the situation since he had to go in early to work this AM for a "meeting" in which he MIGHT be told about job situation.

 

He said a close coworker got fired this AM and things were't looking good, however he hadn't heard about himself yet.

 

I knew I had to end it and soon... so I texted him this afternoon and asked to meet tomorrow after work. (Did not ask about his job situation bc I wanted to just get a met up time across/trying not to care bc I shouldn't).

 

I picked a park that's convenient for both of us and we decided on a time. I'm going to say my wants (LTR especially at this age/don't want to waste time) and don't think we are on the same page even though I really enjoy spending time with him/getting to know him. Then see what he has to say.... if he's willing to let me walk then and there, I guess it would have never worked out if I decided to stay and hope for something more.

 

Now that I don't feel like it's a good time to talk to him.

 

IMO, you may want to know how his job goes first. If thing is not going well on him, I think you should hold back on breaking up with him, but instead pull yourself out from him for a short while until his job status is doing fine again. But I don't mean that you have to worry about him or take care of him. Just pull that on him in his tough time is kinda mean I suppose.

[Gaeta]

I am not sure I follow you.

 

He did tell you he's unwilling to formalize it for fear of getting hurt but you're still gonna him after he spelled it out?

 

As for him losing his job that's very unfortunate but your own well being comes before his. Don't stay in this relationship just cause he may lose his job. He'll be just fine. After all you're the one getting attached, he's not.

[ThisisIt606]

I agree, the losing job is just unfortunate timing but that's his thing. It has nothing to do with me. I'm not going to wait an undetermined about of time while he gets he job situation worked out.

 

As Gaeta said I'm the one who is invested and getting hurt. He may be a bit upset but he made it clear he's not into me enough to make me his gf.

 

I think he was saying that he was so invested and then ultimately hurt by his last LTR he's not ready to go through that again. Seems weird/dumb to me if we are having such a great time together and he has shown interest in me/my hobbies.

 

But after awhile it's his life... he could have had me by his side throughout this job loss if he wanted me, but why should I be there for him if he won't commit to me after 3 months?

[Gary S]

 

SO..... when he says's he's not ready yet after a 4 year relationship it makes me think he is still hung up on his ex OR he's just so scared of getting hurt again.

 

 

- Reading your post ThisisIt606, I came to the same conclusion.

 

It sounds like he is on the rebound.

 

At any rate, he's not in love with you......and it's been long enough, he probably never will be, sorry.

[ThisisIt606]

I know he dated at least 1 girl between the 4 year relationship and me. He said they "dated for a few months but he didn't see it going anywhere" so he ended it with her.

 

Now I'm thinking, since I had to bring up the relationship talk, the girl before me prob never did (assuming he was such a good guy/doing bf type things already) and then one day he realized, "no more/not going anywhere" with her.

 

I'm glad I brought it up, so now I know and can officially end it tomorrow.

[Gaeta]

Formalizing your relationship is asking very little. Being gf-bf isn't going to change his life has he knows it now. It's not a marriage, it's not a contract, it's just exclusivity and the will to explore your relationship further and that VERY little he's unwilling to give? If it doesn't work you just stop being bf-gf so what is the real deal to be afraid of here?

 

I suspect his real reasons to not make it official is simply because he wants to still advertise himself as single in his day to day life. I don't say he wants to sleep around but he wants to be known as single.

[ThisisIt606]

Well I say good luck to him as advertising himself as "single", as we walks and moves very slowly with a huge brace from surgery (always calls himself a cripple) and now minus the job.

 

A relationship is something good that helps you through these hard times. I have been here and would have been willing to continue to be there. He's going to be a "hard single sell" to the dating world as I see it in his current situation.

 

But if that's what he wants, so be it. I'm definitely confused and hurt.... but so many signs are pointing to things that won't end well.

[anduina]

I wouldn't automatically assume the worst about why he can't presently commit. There could be a myriad of reasons which don't matter since he's addressing his needs and you're addressing yours. That the two sets of needs don't align, points to incompatibility.

 

As far as this being a mean time to end it, why must she consider his feelings when he didn't consider hers? Not only that but it's a bit coincidental that after their relationship discussion, this suddenly happens.

[ThisisIt606]

This reminds me that he also told me yesterday he heard talk about company acquisition/ perhaps losing job about 2 weeks ago while he was home recovering from surgery. It was only yesterday that official word was given. So he has known for quite some time.

 

Me bringing up the relationship talk at 3 months is def enough time to decided in or out. He decided out citing he's just not ready after his 4 year. Timing sucks but he knew about his job 2 weeks ago and can't honestly be shocked by me wanting to know what we are.

 

I'm really disappointed but better I get out now.

[Gaeta]

How long ago his 4 year relationship ended? and did he date since? other than you.

[ThisisIt606]

How long ago his 4 year relationship ended? and did he date since? other than you.

 

They broke up a year ago, so August 2014. As far as I know he dated at least 1 girl between ther 4 year and me.

 

He dated her " for a few months but I didn't see it going anywhere so I ended it"

[Qboro90]

I actually think that this guy was completely honest, open, and up front with you regarding the topic. He expressed why he wasn't ready for something more serious, explained the reason behind it (long term relationship he just had which left a bad taste in his mouth), he listened to her side of her feelings and respected them, showed that he understood where she stands and will get it if this is something she can't continue. I don't understand why some replies are giving this guy a bad wrap. I highly doubt he is hung up on his ex based off his reasons for why that 4 yr RS should've ended sooner, he hasn't lied to her or led her to believe anything or given her false hope whatsoever.

 

Everyone always says "why can't guys just be honest and not bs women". This guy is doing exactly that. Oh and he's actually being a good guy by being attentative, initiating contact, dates, not harping on sex or pushing her. It's been 3 months. This guy seems like the most reasonable and fair dude I've seen in these threads before lol.

 

He expressed to you where he was, he's not given you any indication that he's dating other women or wants to date other women... He's treating you like he would a girlfriend so you have everything but the title. Why can't you just hang in there for another couple months and see where it goes? He's not asking you to stay with him for years, neither of you is moving in with the other... Seems like you both have something together and if he wants to just be extra sure by holding off based off his past experiences then why the heck not?

 

Pushing him to decide is what's going to cause a problem. Whether you want to believe it or not, there is going to be a different outlook and you'll start acting just a little differently once you become "official". That's when you can start expecting him to come to friends and family events.... That's when you can bust his chops for not texting you back one night or not remembering something. Right now you don't have that "girlfriend authority" so he doesn't have to deal with that serious part of a relationship. Can I blame him? Not really

 

Punishing him and giving him an ultimatum of "were official/seriously dating or were breaking up" is gonna make him think you're not the right girl for him and have him choose option b when in fact if you just enjoy your time with him and let him proceed on his own this could be something really long term and lasting.

[anduina]

Any action has consequences. She owes him nothing.

[Stage5Clinger]

Bail, bail, bail! You want to be a couple and he does not. Stop now and count your losses. It's only going to hurt more when he admits he's not into it.

[ThisisIt606]

I actually think that this guy was completely honest, open, and up front with you regarding the topic. He expressed why he wasn't ready for something more serious, explained the reason behind it (long term relationship he just had which left a bad taste in his mouth), he listened to her side of her feelings and respected them, showed that he understood where she stands and will get it if this is something she can't continue. I don't understand why some replies are giving this guy a bad wrap. I highly doubt he is hung up on his ex based off his reasons for why that 4 yr RS should've ended sooner, he hasn't lied to her or led her to believe anything or given her false hope whatsoever.

 

Everyone always says "why can't guys just be honest and not bs women". This guy is doing exactly that. Oh and he's actually being a good guy by being attentative, initiating contact, dates, not harping on sex or pushing her. It's been 3 months. This guy seems like the most reasonable and fair dude I've seen in these threads before lol.

 

He expressed to you where he was, he's not given you any indication that he's dating other women or wants to date other women... He's treating you like he would a girlfriend so you have everything but the title. Why can't you just hang in there for another couple months and see where it goes? He's not asking you to stay with him for years, neither of you is moving in with the other... Seems like you both have something together and if he wants to just be extra sure by holding off based off his past experiences then why the heck not?

 

Pushing him to decide is what's going to cause a problem. Whether you want to believe it or not, there is going to be a different outlook and you'll start acting just a little differently once you become "official". That's when you can start expecting him to come to friends and family events.... That's when you can bust his chops for not texting you back one night or not remembering something. Right now you don't have that "girlfriend authority" so he doesn't have to deal with that serious part of a relationship. Can I blame him? Not really

 

Punishing him and giving him an ultimatum of "were official/seriously dating or were breaking up" is gonna make him think you're not the right girl for him and have him choose option b when in fact if you just enjoy your time with him and let him proceed on his own this could be something really long term and lasting.

 

 

I think it's best to leave bc we both want different things. After 3 months you should know if you want in or out. Through his actions he's a great guy and has treated me so well which is why I'm sad to do this.

 

Yet at the same time he told me "I can only tell you what I feel right now and don't know when that will change" and he's "enjoying what it is now". I'm 27 as is he and I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to foramlize a relationship/call me his girlfriend while he's still hurtning from the loss of past relationships.

 

I've been hurt too but I brush myself off, move on, and open myself to new people. I want someone who is at this emotional place to do the same. The fact that he never brought up anything relationship talk/what he's looking for and I was the one to bring up it all- also tells me he was just content with the current situation.

 

I told him I didn't want to date others, and he did not return that statement. He just said he wasn't dating others right NOW and hasn't been. It seems as though he wants to keep his options open while I definitely want an LTR with him. I just can't put myself through a waiting game, it's too painful.

[katiegrl]

Bail, bail, bail! You want to be a couple and he does not. Stop now and count your losses. It's only going to hurt more when he admits he's not into it.

 

I am a little confused. Isn't everyone always saying to judge how a man feels by his actions?

 

 

So given his actions (described ever-so-eloquently by Qboro below and also by the OP herself), it appears he does see him and the OP as a "couple."

 

 

 

Everyone always says "why can't guys just be honest and not bs women". This guy is doing exactly that. Oh and he's actually being a good guy by being attentative, initiating contact, dates, not harping on sex or pushing her. It's been 3 months. This guy seems like the most reasonable and fair dude I've seen in these threads before lol.

 

.

 

 

He is also not dating anyone else, nor does he want to.

 

 

So what am I missing? It's only been three months. He's being a little cautious with the "title" thing...but seriously, what difference does it make?

 

 

I mean come on, it's a title. Aren't his actions what matter?

 

 

My first boyfriend did not technically "commit" to me until about a year. After four years he proposed marriage!

 

 

Second boyfriend and I dated for around six months before realizing we wanted something long term. I never bugged him about it... I just enjoyed him and the RL and let it progress at its own pace. HE brought it up.

 

 

These were both long term relationships (I ended both if that has any relevance).

 

 

JMO, but I think many women are so afraid of being jerked around and strung along, that they see doom and gloom around every corner. They're like, well everything is going fabulous, he treats me really well, moving right along, but I initiated "the talk," he's not ready to "formalize" the RL....so I'm outta here! Screw you buddy, you won't be stringing ME along.....

 

 

Formalize schmoralize...his actions indicate you ARE a couple. Again, aren't his ACTIONS what is most important? That IS what LS advocates does it not?

 

 

I also think the OP is doing this hoping he STOPS her from leaving, as that would prove to her his commitment. I could be wrong but something she posted led me to believe that.

 

 

I think it was something like "if he lets me end it and doesn't try to talk me out of it," then I'll know I was right and he won't EVER want anything "serious." Something like that. Sorry it doesn't work that way in most cases.

 

 

All that said, and I have said this before.... if you are absolutely SOOOOO unhappy with how things are now, then feel free to end it. It just sounded to me like you REALLY like this guy....and your behavior in ending it is coming from a place of fear because you don't want to get hurt.

 

 

Understandable, but relationships (life!) are a risk. If you are not willing to take a risk, and always expect a SURE THING (after only three months) from any man you're dating, you're gonna be hard-pressed to find any man who could live up to that expectation IMO, after only three months.

 

 

But wish you luck...and as always keep us posted!

Edited August 27, 2015 by katiegrl