ThisisIt606 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I've been dating this guy for almost 3 months and posted about him before. We hang out 2x per week (with sleepovers/intimacy) and he also takes me out on real dates and pays. He's cooked dinner for me and we are in commuication every day and text for hours at a time until one of us needs to go to bed. Basically all the actions of a relationship. If he says he'll text/talk to me later he does, he is always the one to suggest hanging out next (either weekend or after work) and then we decided together on where to go/what to do. Aka he keeps the date ball rolling and he does refer to our time together as "dates". Recently, I asked him what he thinks of what we are/if he's seeing anyone else. I told him I wasn't and not interested in dating others. He replied "totally fair question. I've really enjoyed the time with you as well and in all homestly haven't been seeing anyone else either. Personally I like where we are right now and don't really feel ready for a more formalized relationship. that's nothing against you personally, it's just my last real relationship was a very long term one ( 4 yrs and should have ended sooner than it did) and the idea of that right now isnt something i feel ready for." I later told him basically that i'm not the type of girl that will have sex with a guy if he's dating or having sex with other girls. To which he replied "i think that's a fair standard to have. I personally don't even like dating around." I told him I didn't either and glad we were on the same page about that. I then told him I am looking for a LTR soon. To which he said he absolutely wanted to know where i'm coming from and completly understands me wanting that. He also said he can only speak to how he feels right now and don't really know when that might change. He asked me to be honest about if where he is, is something I am OK with at least for right now? He went on to say I really enjoy your time together but wants to be fair to me. I replied that I enjoy time with him, but honestly don't see how what were doing is different that something more official, only there is no label. I think just to be honest with each other from here on out in the sense that if one of us knows this defintely isn't going anywhere to say something or if we want to date someone else, to bring that up so neither one of us wastes the other persons time and feelings don't get more hurt. to which he said "yeah agreed. I don't want you to feel like i am just wasting your time and definitely don't want to hurt you". which i said i think to just continue with how things are now and see how things go. We have dinner plans for tomorrow night (he asked me to get together despite all this talk). SO..... when he says's he's not ready yet after a 4 year relationship it makes me think he is still hung up on his ex OR he's just so scared of getting hurt again. I know this needs more discussion. I definitely like him and he ACTS like my bf (daily contact, asking me out/keeping ball rolling, following up on what he says he will do etc) but yet isn't "ready" to call it what it is. My question, do i go? One one hand I want to nip this in the bud and try to see the red flags and act on them in the moment for once in my life. But no matter what I feel this warrents more of a discussion. Not negotiating for GF status but getting a better understanding from him as to what is is about the 4 year relationship that's giving him LTR doubts ( still hung up on ex, doesn't want to go through break up pain again, etc) Thoughts?
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 ....Personally I like where we are right now and don't really feel ready for a more formalized relationship. ....He also said he can only speak to how he feels right now and don't really know when that might change. ....to which he said "yeah agreed. I don't want you to feel like i am just wasting your time and definitely don't want to hurt you". I am so sorry. When a man says these things after 3 months dating. Seeing each other as much as you 2 do. Sleeping over and being intimate. He says these things because he knows in his heart it won't ever be more than what it is at the moment. 7
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You've only been dating for 3 months. You're sort of smothering him. Maybe he doesn't want to formalize it because he needs some breathing room after getting out of a 4 year relationship. He obviously enjoys your company and is tentative to your needs. Try cutting the guy some slack.
Maleficent Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Thoughts? I would kindly ask him to let me know when he is ready to formalize the relationship and not a moment before. I would then be on my merry way and not contact him until/if he does. I've been in your shoes. You're trying to play it cool. You don't want to look like the crazy one. You don't want him to think you're insisting. You want to look like you are super chill ect. Right now, he is keeping you around by doing everything you would expect from your boyfriend so if you get a little pissy about it, he gets to play the 'it's just a label' card. If this guy was really into you, he'd have no problem making it official. 9
mrldii Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You're not necessarily on the same page. You indicated you're only having sex with him and that you couldn't possibly think of having sex with anyone else, now that you are with him. He indicated he, too, is only having sex with you currently and is not a fan of dating around. You have given him an exclusive arrangement, without him asking for/earning it; he has specifically stated he is NOT willing to offer the same in return. You two have not agreed to not date others; you've indicated you won't and he's indicated he's not, right now. Two completely different animals. In addition to the reasons he's given you, he may be sensing how much you obsess and second-guess every word, action, and nuance of your time together [per your other threads], which may be another reason why he is reluctant to "make it official". You two are "officially dating one another"...that's it. NOT "officially exclusively dating each other"; NOT "officially in an exclusive relationship", either. He reads like a good guy and one who is perfectly willing to be open and honest with you about what he is feeling. Give him - and yourself - a chance to breathe and enjoy the times you spend together...without fretting about what it should be called. Best of luck to you... 3
Maleficent Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You've only been dating for 3 months. You're sort of smothering him. Maybe he doesn't want to formalize it because he needs some breathing room after getting out of a 4 year relationship. He obviously enjoys your company and is tentative to your needs. Try cutting the guy some slack. exactly. After 3 months, seeing each other at least 2X a week, he should know if he wants this to be formal or not. And he probably does. 2
katiegrl Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I am so sorry. When a man says these things after 3 months dating. Seeing each other as much as you 2 do. Sleeping over and being intimate. He says these things because he knows in his heart it won't ever be more than what it is at the moment. I am not sure I agree with that. It's only been three months... give him time, he's just not where she is yet, which IMO is OKAY. Men and women don't always move through relationships at the same pace. Does not mean he will NEVER get there. If it were me, I would back off on "talking about relationship" and just enjoy him and the relationship and let it develop naturally and gradually. Don't push. Relax, enjoy... give him plenty of space... stay busy with other interests...don't always be so available....give him the opportunity to miss you sometimes. Men need that. I STILL behave this way with my boyfriend and we have been together 5+, and live together. JMO, but don't throw in the towel just yet. It sounds like he cares about you a lot, just isn't quite where you are...just yet. Which like I said, is OKAY. If he were pulling back, not taking you out, and otherwise behaving elusively and nonchalantly, I would say move on. But you said he's a great boyfriend! So again try to relax and let everything unfold naturally and gradually.... JMO. Good luck and keep us posted! 1
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You're not necessarily on the same page. You indicated you're only having sex with him and that you couldn't possibly think of having sex with anyone else, now that you are with him. He indicated he, too, is only having sex with you currently and is not a fan of dating around. You have given him an exclusive arrangement, without him asking for/earning it; he has specifically stated he is NOT willing to offer the same in return. You two have not agreed to not date others; you've indicated you won't and he's indicated he's not, right now. Two completely different animals. In addition to the reasons he's given you, he may be sensing how much you obsess and second-guess every word, action, and nuance of your time together [per your other threads], which may be another reason why he is reluctant to "make it official". You two are "officially dating one another"...that's it. NOT "officially exclusively dating each other"; NOT "officially in an exclusive relationship", either. He reads like a good guy and one who is perfectly willing to be open and honest with you about what he is feeling. Give him - and yourself - a chance to breathe and enjoy the times you spend together...without fretting about what it should be called. Best of luck to you... I've noticed too that she gave him exclusivity while he didn't. After 3 months I would cut him loose. OP is ready for a relationship, he isn't, and when he find himself ready 99% he won't want her. 3
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I am not sure I agree with that. It's only been three months... give him time, he's just not where she is yet, which IMO is OKAY. Men and women don't always move through relationships at the same pace. Does not mean he will NEVER get there. If it were me, I would back off on "talking about relationship" and just enjoy him and the relationship and let it develop naturally and gradually. Don't push. Relax, enjoy... give him plenty of space... stay busy with other interests...don't always be so available....give him the opportunity to miss you sometimes. Men need that. I STILL behave this way with my boyfriend and we have been together 5+, and live together. JMO, but don't throw in the towel just yet. It sounds like he cares about you a lot, just isn't quite where you are...just yet. Which like I said, is OKAY. If he were pulling back, not taking you out, and otherwise behaving elusively and nonchalantly, I would say move on. But you said he's a great boyfriend! So again try to relax and let everything unfold naturally and gradually.... JMO. Good luck and keep us posted! Experience had changed my mind about this. I too dated a man not ready after 3 months, then he was not ready after 6 months, then he was not ready after 1 year. I let him go, and not long after he was head over heels with someone else and he made it official loud and clear pretty quickly. Three months is plenty for a man to know on which side of the fence he's about to fall. 7
kismetkismet Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 He sounds like a really great guy, but unfortunately one that is decidedly not ready for a relationship. It's very mature of him to be that open and honest with you about it.. some guys would definitely be more sneaky with their intentions.. My guess is that he really enjoys your company, and he is used to being in a relationship so relationship-like behaviours are what comes naturally to him, BUT he isn't ready to be committed to you. He said that he isn't dating anyone now, but it didn't sound like he didn't ever intend on it. When a guy tells you he's not ready for a relationship - he's not ready for a relationship. I would take him at his word. I would cut off the relationship, tell him you really appreciate him and his honesty etc. but that you both want different things right now. Maybe in a year or two he will be ready for a relationship, but for now it seems like you should probably move on. 6
anduina Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 This isn't a guaranteed situation of him ever being ready for more. So if you wish to play the odds to see where this might go, try not to get too emotionally involved. You could say to him that you've given it a bit more thought, that you appreciate his honesty and you're open to seeing where this goes. But now that you're aware that he's not at the point of being ready for an exclusive relationship, that exclusivity on your side is also off the table. This way, you retract your offer of exclusivity and can continue dating around, perhaps finding someone else who has the same relationship pace or not.
Maleficent Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I get what you are saying, Katie. But one thing the guy said raises a major flag for me... I then told him I am looking for a LTR soon. To which he said he absolutely wanted to know where i'm coming from and completly understands me wanting that. He also said he can only speak to how he feels right now and don't really know when that might change. I feel like his answer to her saying she wants something serious is 'fair enough but I don't and I don't expect this to change' I could be wrong. But I would still pass on the whole acting like it's a relationship but not saying it is deal. I'm not having it. Whatever you choose OP, I hope it works out for the best. 2
Maleficent Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 OP - a question that could actually have affected our answers....how old are you two? (If you don't mind saying)
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I get what you are saying, Katie. But one thing the guy said raises a major flag for me... I feel like his answer to her saying she wants something serious is 'fair enough but I don't and I don't expect this to change' I could be wrong. But I would still pass on the whole acting like it's a relationship but not saying it is deal. I'm not having it. Whatever you choose OP, I hope it works out for the best. I could not agree more. I don't know when that's gonna change = It may never change or it may change in 1 or 2 years, but then I don't know if you'll be the one I want. Who wants to play russian roulette with that? 1
wb1988 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 3 months is a pretty long time to still feel this way. I think if things don't turn out better in month 4 then maybe you should move on. 1
katiegrl Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Experience had changed my mind about this. I too dated a man not ready after 3 months, then he was not ready after 6 months, then he was not ready after 1 year. I let him go, and not long after he was head over heels with someone else and he made it official loud and clear pretty quickly. Three months is plenty for a man to know on which side of the fence he's about to fall. Okay, so he is not willing for "formalize" it. I get it. Then OP what you should do (again, it's what I would do) is NOT act like it's a formal relationship.... instead behave the way I suggested in my previous post. Not talking about the "relationship," not always being so available, keeping busy.... no pushing, no pressure...keeping options open (he is!). Even though he is not technically dating anyone, he wants the option to do so...and so should you! I think if you play your cards right....relax, let it progress naturally, gradually, behaving like "a creature unlike any other," -- a cool chick, a relaxed chick, a HAPPY chick... and don't say a word about "where is this going," in a couple months HE will be asking YOU for an exclusive RL. My experience anyway... however that said, that is my natural and genuine personality. Sort of a free spirit...that's just me. If it's not YOUR personality and you absolutely need something more "formalized," then by all means follow Gaeta's advice and break it off. I am sorry too.. 1
Gaeta Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I later told him basically that i'm not the type of girl that will have sex with a guy if he's dating or having sex with other girls. To which he replied "i think that's a fair standard to have. I personally don't even like dating around." Do you see where he did not give you exclusivity? He avoided the question all together. I personally don't even like dating around IS NOT the same as I am not going to have sex with others. 5
katiegrl Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) I get what you are saying, Katie. But one thing the guy said raises a major flag for me... I feel like his answer to her saying she wants something serious is 'fair enough but I don't and I don't expect this to change' I could be wrong. But I would still pass on the whole acting like it's a relationship but not saying it is deal. I'm not having it. Whatever you choose OP, I hope it works out for the best. Okay that's good point. Tough call. I guess it's all a risk.... I am sort of a risk taker, and am pretty good at "flipping the script," but I realize not everyone is....so you just gotta do what feels right for you. It's a tough decision....especially because for all intents and purposes, he treats you very well. Keep us posted. Edited August 25, 2015 by katiegrl 2
myothernic2 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I agree with the ones that said at three months he would have developed those feelings by now if he was going to and wouldn't hesitate to make it official. I'd personally move on if I wanted a relationship. 1
TheBathWater Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What a conundrum! Sorry to hear you're caught in this situation. If it has been this long, then there is very little chance that any further amount of "let's keep doing this and see what happens" will lead to a formal relationship. Whatever his reason, he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, even though he is already behaving like one. I know, lame! You probably like him a lot and don't want to just toss him aside, but this issue is not going to go away and it will become a bigger and bigger conflict as time goes on, until eventually, he will play the "I told you what this was and you went along with it" card and say goodbye. You don't have to 'dump him' right this second, but how long do you think you can continue this dynamic with him until it becomes too much to handle? At some point, I think you need to let him go and look for a guy who wants the same thing as you do. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Is 3 months soon enough to get married? No, to move in together? No Is it enough to say you are exclusive/couple??. Yes. If they can't commit to that at this point walk away because you are wasting your time. 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I've noticed too that she gave him exclusivity while he didn't. After 3 months I would cut him loose. OP is ready for a relationship, he isn't, and when he find himself ready 99% he won't want her. I'm not sure how this got lost but he is just seeing me now/having sex with just me and he said he's not into multi dating. We also both agreed if we wanted to see other people/date someone else we would tell eachother that.
spiderowl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 He sounds like he's sort of sitting on the fence. He likes you, wants to spend time with you, is comfortable about the way things are, but you are feeling uncertain about his commitment. I can see why you are wondering why there isn't anything a bit more definite happening. It is not clear whether he is giving you exclusivity or not, sexually or relationship-wise. You might want to clarify whether he intends to be sexually exclusive while you two are together as it does matter. What would I do in your situation? I think I'd be feeling uneasy but also thinking he has good reason for not rushing into anything if he's just come out of a long relationship. On the other hand, what posters have said is very true - if a guy really likes you, he'll want to make it clear and to minimise the chance you will run off with someone else. At the moment, the guy can sit on the fence and know you will be there for him. You have stated your intentions of exclusivity and what you are looking for in the future. He can sit back and enjoy it, until he either decides he wants more with you or he meets someone else. Personally, I would pull back a little, be a bit less available but sweet when you meet him. He will notice the shift and not understand it. If he has to work harder to get time with you, he is either going to realise what he's missing and try to get more of your time, realise that he likes you more than he thought and seek a commitment, or look around him and perhaps meet someone else. It all depends what you are prepared to risk to effect a shift in his attitude. 2
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I've noticed too that she gave him exclusivity while he didn't. After 3 months I would cut him loose. OP is ready for a relationship, he isn't, and when he find himself ready 99% he won't want her. Okay, so he is not willing for "formalize" it. I get it. Then OP what you should do (again, it's what I would do) is NOT act like it's a formal relationship.... instead behave the way I suggested in my previous post. Not talking about the "relationship," not always being so available, keeping busy.... no pushing, no pressure...keeping options open (he is!). Even though he is not technically dating anyone, he wants the option to do so...and so should you! I think if you play your cards right....relax, let it progress naturally, gradually, behaving like "a creature unlike any other," -- a cool chick, a relaxed chick, a HAPPY chick... and don't say a word about "where is this going," in a couple months HE will be asking YOU for an exclusive RL. My experience anyway... however that said, that is my natural and genuine personality. Sort of a free spirit...that's just me. If it's not YOUR personality and you absolutely need something more "formalized," then by all means follow Gaeta's advice and break it off. I am sorry too.. Thanks everyone for the feed back. Tomorrow I plan on asking him to clear up a few things so I can understand him/what he is saying better mainly 1) 4 year relationship and not ready to formalize does it mean you aren't over your ex OR anxious about putting youself into another relationship that could cause a lot of pain again 2) clearing up exclusive/ sex with others ( I highly doubt he is but just to confirm this point) Then just hearing what he has to say take it form there. Not necissarly throw in the towel tomorrow night but definitely pull back, let him miss me, and not put all my eggs in one basket. Date other people in the sense of 1st dates and IF i feel like there is another guy from these first dates that I would like to pursue then I would take the chance and end things with my current guy who doesn't want to "formalize things" 1
Author ThisisIt606 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Do you see where he did not give you exclusivity? He avoided the question all together. I personally don't even like dating around IS NOT the same as I am not going to have sex with others. OK, nvm, i seen how he didn't give me exclusivity out right bc I said I don't want to date anyone else and HE didn't say that explicitly. Since he DIDN"T say that, this now changes my mind. I AM willing to date others, but if it gets to a point with anyother guy where I want to actually date him, then I will break it off with my current guy. I think i will kept this current guy as an "option" and pull back some/not be so available every weekend.
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