kismetkismet Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I broke up with my ex about 5 months ago. Something just felt off about it and he had huge emotional walls and was unwilling to compromise.. I also had some emotional walls and anxieties that conflicted with his.. basically we both contributed to the failure of the relationship. I was the one to leave and quite suddenly, but because i couldnt put my finger on what was causing the strain it seemed abrupt and I really hurt him. Over the past 5 months we have been in contact on and off.. at times acting as though we were in a relationship basically. We slept together and spent a lot of time going over why we broke up and trying to get to the bottom of it.. we considered for a while whether we should get back together because we still really loved each other.. but in the end he said that it would be too much for him to try again, that his emotional walls are even higher now that I hurt him the way that I did, and he was too afraid of it failing. Fair enough. I think that the right decision was made over all and we have hashed everything out in detail in order to come to that conclusion. However he still really wants to be in my life. He says that I am his best friend and he does love me and wants to keep seeing me. I told him that I couldn't do that... But since we made that decision last week he has tried to get in contact a few times. I don't think talking occasionally would be the end of the world.. but he crossed some emotional boundaries a bit.. asking for photos of my hair/dress from the wedding i just attended (in a blatantly flirtatious way) and then when I found out he went camping he apologized profusely saying that he was sorry that he went camping without me, but it was xxx's birthday and i was at a wedding. That last comment confused me because to me that sounds like he thinks I could have gone with him or something?? (He was apologizing that much because he never wanted to go camping when we were together - i love it, he doesn't. wasn't REALLY an issue) I've never stayed friends with an ex before, either because they were terrible, or because they moved away etc. I really care about this guy, and I know that he cares about me too... but at the same time I don't really know how to navigate this.. we technically broke up 5 months ago, but we both admitted that we were basically still together emotionally and neither of us slept with or dated anyone else. SO.. how do you do it?? We said we love each other just last week and slept together several times that weekend even though we were deciding not to be together anymore.. clearly our feelings for each other are not yet platonic haha. Is it best to take a while apart so that we have time to get over complicated feelings before trying to be friends? Or will those feelings fade even if we're in contact a bit. (We won't sleep together anymore obviously).. Your advice and experiences are greatly appreciated!
lana-banana Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 It sounds like you're using each other as crutches. This will only work out until one of you falls in love with someone else. It may not happen today, tomorrow, or even for months, but it will happen and the other party will probably be devastated. In this case I would recommend going NC for at least a few months because otherwise you're going to have a lot of unnecessary emotional turmoil, which is the last thing you want when you're trying to start a new relationship. You can be friends with an ex when: - neither of you have no ill will towards the other - you are at peace with the reality of how your relationship ended - you don't think about them much If any of these circumstances aren't met, you aren't in a good place to be friends. Maybe some years down the road you can be friends with this guy, but not yet. 2
Oregon_Dude Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 OK, you guys are still f*cking and saying ILY etc. You are NOT broken up. To the question at hand.. I have never wanted to be friends with exes. Probably because they've all dumped me. Poor MEEEE!!!
Author kismetkismet Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Hahahha I knowwwww that. We admitted to each other that we were essentially together for the past 5 months. Maybe I should clarify.. we'd been talking about getting back together for real for a couple of months, but finally decided this past weekend that we were not going to do that. I told him that it would be the end of things and that we needed to move on and i couldn't see him anymore. It was a sort of breakup from our post relationship relationship. Personally I assumed that we wouldn't talk anymore, but he has reached out a few times. Part of what i'm wondering is if i need to tell him to stop doing that. i know it's complicated, but we were really both genuinely confused about what we wanted and whether we could make it work, and we didn't want to walk away from the relationship if there was a chance we could fix it. Now i'm wondering how/if we can be friends going forward. We do really care about each other.. but obviously a little too much for a regular friendship haha. This is the first time i've genuinely wanted to be friends with an ex as well which is why it's a bit confusing for me..
aloneinaz Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I don't think you necessarily want to be "buddies or friends" with him. I think you may be scared to suddenly not have anyone in your life anymore. You chose to dump him 5 months ago yet, continued to spend a lot of time hanging out and screwing him. Right now, good or bad, he's a habit in your life that you're unwilling to break free from. You simply can't go from screwing/lovers to platonic "friends". It would never work and you wouldn't want to her your friend describing his sexual experience from the chick he banged last night either. If you're not compatible as a couple, you need to move on, stop engaging with him and heal so you can meet someone you are compatible with. I think it's time you put on your big girl pants, have a backbone and stick to NC for both of your sakes.
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