Having an affair in a sexless marriage

[Sub]

Not sure. The thought has crossed my mind.

 

Do you ever discuss what goes on when you sleep at the OM's place? Or is it a don't ask/don't tell type deal?

[Wife33]

Do you ever discuss what goes on when you sleep at the OM's place? Or is it a don't ask/don't tell type deal?

 

I slept there before because he lives further away and when I want to go out with my friends that live there I just sleep over. I usually sleep on the couch but not anymore since the affair. My husband never asks any questions.

[Sub]

My husband never asks any questions.

 

Most likely because he knows the answers.

 

As I said before, there's an opportunity here to come clean and figure out what direction your M is headed. Given everything that you've laid out here, it shouldn't be a surprise to your H, IMO.

[Lois_Griffin]

The whole time I've been reading this thread, the Eagles song, "Lying Eyes," has been playing in my mind.

 

Why the hell would you marry some old guy you already KNEW wasn't very sexually active? You said right from the beginning this was an issue and you had to be 'patient' with him, so you knew this going in.

 

I guess the male notion that it's 'natural' for old guys to be with young brides has it's downside. Golly gee, what a surprise.

[autumnnight]

No, I was not waiting for someone to tell me to not tell him the truth. After the responses I got I knew that most people would tell me to tell him the truth. I just wanted to know why. Most of you told me to tell him the truth and all I wanted was an explanation. Maybe you had a similar experience and are glad to have told the truth for a certain reason. Or maybe you have been cheated on and your spouse told you the truth and you were grateful for the truth. Who knows? I just wanted to get some input. Thats all. Because my friends that I am talking to in person are giving me different advice. Maybe that is because they know me and are my friends and therefor much more gentle with me.

 

Here is some of why I think being honest will benefit you and your marriage. I'm coming at it from this angle because while I also agree that he deserves to know, I know you'll get better explanations of that from others:

 

1. You feel terrible about what you are doing. This tells me that while you may be trying to ignore it right now, you have a conscience. Simply stopping the thing you feel terrible about may fix the future behavior guilt, but it won't really fix the nagging at your conscience. That little voice will still remind you that there is this big secret that you have to keep that he doesn't know. This will manifest in a lot of ways, such as you feeling guilty when he does something nice for you, possibly actually interfering with any intimacy he does initiate because there is this "thing" between you.

 

2. We are wired for cause and effect. This is clear when you observe children. They really do want boundaries and consequences. Research and research study has shown it makes them feel more secure. It is actually GOOD for us to come clean and deal with the fallout for our bad behavior. It helps us heal and rebuilds character. We may think we want to "get away with it," but it really isn't satisfying, and it breaks down our character and self-respect even more.

 

3. This next one is tricky, but I'll address it as best I can. First, I'll reiterate that your choice to cheat is 100% on you. You can't blame your husband. That said, one of the issues that led to vulnerability is the lack of intimacy. When you come clean, attaching your affair to the intimacy issue is a bad idea. However, at some point if you decide on authentic reconciliation, both of you will have to work on the marriage. Wouldn't it be better to work on that marriage from a place of both of you having all the information?

 

4. You won't have to live in fear. Here is a hard truth. Your story is "out there" now. You have shared it with people on the internet, some of whom have very VERY strong feelings about infidelity. You have also shared it with some IRL friends. Now that people know, you really can't control what they do with that knowledge. You are probably thinking, "My friends would never tell, and no internet strangers I've never met would be that crazy!" All I can say yes, some of them ARE that crazy, and sometimes even IRL friends get ideas about what might be helpful to you.

 

5. If you reconcile, working through the A and building a more authentic life WITH your husband can build intimacy. Note: I am not advocating an A as a bonding tool. But let's be honest, when couples work through really crappy stuff as a team, it does build intimacy, even if the crappy stuff is a really bad choice by one of them.

 

In real life friends are wonderful, but sometimes their love for us makes them a little blind. If you wanted to run out into heavy traffic or try tainted heroin, I am sure they would stop you. But for some reason, with affairs, those same protective friends think helping you hide things is a good idea. It really isn't.

[ShatteredLady]

I started a thread a little while ago on the whole, "To tell or not to tell" subject. I'm someone who needs to know all the details once I know a little. It's torture but it's better than the places my imagination goes. Is ignorance bliss? Obviously I wish my H had NEVER been unfaithful in the first place. If I'd never suspected anything would I want him to keep it to himself? That's such a hard one for me to answer!! I want to be innocent. I want my love story back.

 

I do believe that a truly strong relationship has no secrets. Can your relationship survive the truth? Can your M change & grow without the truth? Ugh! It's so hard. I haven't been here long & I'm not as convinced as most that honesty is the only way to go.

If there's the slightest chance that the truth will come out you MUST tell. Discovery & trickle truth is the cruelest most destructive thing.

In this technology day & age it's unlikely there's not evidence out there. My H is an IT geek. Once I knew something was going-on it was so easy to find more & more damning proof!What could your H find if he's determined?

 

Will the lies always be between you? No doubt your H has every right to know what's actually going on in his life. He deserves to make huge life choices based on all the facts & not the lies he's been fed.

[Try]

After the responses I got I knew that most people would tell me to tell him the truth. I just wanted to know why.

The reason that you need to tell him is because if he finds out about the affair on his own and not from you, it will hurt him far worse than if you tell him the truth. Studies show time and again that it takes much longer for the cheated on spouse to get over the lying about the affair than the actual affair. The longer that the affair goes on, the longer the lying goes on, the more hurtful your actions will be to him. Telling him now mitigates the damage.

[Acacia98]

For someone who is really wired for intimacy (or might we say someone for whom SF and Affection are the high emotional needs), it's way more than a few orgasms. The same Bible that says not to commit adultery, in I Cor. 7, says not to deprive each other. Many Bible scholars characterize THAT as sexual sin.

 

I chose to leave my marriage after YEARS of deprivation. I understand some people disagree with that. But dismissing the pain of continued sexual refusal as "a few orgasms" shows a callousness that surprises me.

 

Yeah, I agree with you. It is callous.

 

Being an affectionate and sexual being and then ending up in a marriage with little to no sex or cuddling... I can't even begin to imagine how people are able to live through that. This is one of those situations where I think an affair is inevitable. And if one does happen, I won't hate the wayward spouse for it. But it would have been ideal not to marry in the first place. Alternatively, a couple in that kind of situation should consider divorce as soon as the extremeness of the incompatibility becomes apparent.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Acacia98

[Mr. Lucky]

5. If you reconcile, working through the A and building a more authentic life WITH your husband can build intimacy. Note: I am not advocating an A as a bonding tool. But let's be honest, when couples work through really crappy stuff as a team, it does build intimacy, even if the crappy stuff is a really bad choice by one of them.

 

All good points. To this one I'll add - if someone stays with you knowing you had an affair, it's because they (for their own reasons) want to. Your marriage moves forward on equal footing, both informed and both having chosen to be there.

 

Very different than conning someone into spending decades with you under false pretenses and incorrect assumptions...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nightmare01]

Lies (including lies of omission) kill intimacy. How can anyone be emotionally intimate with anyone as long as there are lies between you?

 

If you're not your authentic self, then who are you?

[Itwasntme]

Just leave him! You said the world isn't just black and white and so isn't your problems, but the answer to them are. It's not like you have to many options to choose. But you have a few and I'll go from best to worse option.

 

1. Stop the affair, Tell him you cheated and see where it goes from there . If he leaves you so be it! at least you were honest. And you might still have OM to go to after healing or whatever you call it

 

2. Just divorce him. And don't tell him about the cheating, yes he will be hurt deeply but I can honestly say I would have much rather had this happen to me instead of my ex ruining my life with her cheating. Yeah I would of been hurt and confused but at least I would still be able to trust females.

 

3. Just keep quiet and continue the affair or not. but just know that more hell will be paid if he finds out on his own, I read somewhere that spouses are more likely to R if the WS comes clean on their own accord.

[ShatteredLady]

Before this my experience of forums & support groups were all severe degenerative spine issues. Many, many men have ED or low sex drive because of physical damage to their spine OR as a result of the medications they take. Chronic pain alone effects hormones & can cause all kinds of problems. It's NOT just sex! Low testosterone & other imbalances/depression etc lower your desire for ALL types of physical contact.

Does your husband take any medications? Does he suffer with depression or pain? As a society we seem to understand that these things, particularly hormones can kill a woman's libido but we don't recognize that it can be just the same for men. It makes you pull away from the contact you desperately need to feel better.

 

I know men & women who have had their hormones balanced & describe it as "Being turned into a horney teenager again!".

 

Human beings naturally have the desire for physical contact. If it were performance anxiety he would still want to be close to you. I'm guessing hormones, meds, pain or depression. ALL of which can be treated!

 

It's so sad that your marriage has become this mess of betrayal when it sounds like you have a great husband with a medical condition. The problem with these issues is the patient doesn't really see it as an illness. They just 'feel' isolated & unaffectionate. A person suffering like this needs a loved one to recognize the condition & help.