Having an affair in a sexless marriage

August 25, 2015

He is not drinking because of me. He was a heavy drinker since he is 20. When he met me he stopped drinking that much, but he still did it more than I thought was acceptable. And as I said earlier, it's not all about sex. It's about just being physically intimate: like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc. As much as you might want to see me as this horrible cheater who only wants sex, I am not that.

You may not want only sex, but the fact remains that you are a horrible cheater.There are more humane ways to handle this than to disrespect your marriage, your husband and mostly you are disrespecting your own self. Don't you think that infidelity will only add to your husband's problems? This isn't even helping you..you feel guilty and ashamed. What's even the point?

August 25, 2015

He is not drinking because of me. He was a heavy drinker since he is 20. When he met me he stopped drinking that much, but he still did it more than I thought was acceptable. And as I said earlier, it's not all about sex. It's about just being physically intimate: like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc. As much as you might want to see me as this horrible cheater who only wants sex, I am not that.

But, you ARE cheating on your husband. And cheating is not the answer. If you didn't have a problem with it, you wouldn't be here.

He's older than you are. But, there's other things that you could have thought of. For instance, he's older. Have you considered that he might have low T? That could easily explain his not having a sex drive and lack of affection? Has he been to the Doctor? Have you considered going to marriage counseling before you cheated?

And as far as the hugging, cuddling and kissing, that could still be part of low T and if you've seen a significant drop off after you started your affair. Well, I still think he knows you're cheating and if this is the case, I wouldn't want to hug, cuddle and be affectionate towards you knowing your were just with someone else either.

In my opinion, I really think that you need to come clean to your husband about what you've been doing. Personally, I don't think he'll be too shocked. Hurt? Yeah. Shocked? Not as much as you think.

Okay, you've had problems in your marriage. He can take the blame for 50% of the problems you two have had. And you need to own up to the other 50%. But, your cheating was 100% on you. That's not his fault. That was a choice YOU made. So, you need to own it.

And if you tell him, it MIGHT mean the end of your marriage, and it might not. If it's the end, well...you weren't happy anyway so maybe it's for the best. BUT! if he wants to work it out, then YOU BOTH have a lot of work to do and it's still no guarantee that your marriage will work. There's going to be a lot of pain and anger and raw feelings.

You're husband is going to go on a ride and it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's an actual thing. One minute he'll be laughing, the next minute he'll be crying. One minute happy, the next minute angry as hell. One minute he can't see a life without you, the next he hates your guts and can't stand the site of you. Lots of ups and downs. He has no choice. He's going to ride that coaster. Question is, are you strong enough to ride it with him?

Now, I'm sure my internet wife will be around to clean this up.

August 25, 2015

You are sticking around for the money. I am certain of that because the rest of your excuses make no logical sense. He doesn't have to be a millionaire for this to be about financial security... in fact he doesn't even have to make as much as you! Bottom line here is that you want the financial security of a schmuck husband while you try to set up a relationship with some other guy. Divorce is way less emotionally traumatic than being cheated on.

You say that you are not a "bad person", but we judge people by their actions. You act like a bad person. You can fix that, but it seems your not interested.

A good person would either file for a divorce, or come clean about the affair and try to fix the marriage. Those are really your only options. Good people don't string their husbands along waiting for the other man to catch feelings and propose. Bad people do that!

Why would you think I am sticking around for the money? And who said I am waiting for the other guy to propose to me? I would never want to jump into the next relationship. Guess what, I would have to recover from this marriage as well, because it would be a sad loss for me as well. I had hopes and dreams when I got married. Off course a marriage is always with a financial loss and I could care less about that! The reason why I don't get a divorce is because getting a divorce is not easy. It is not easy to look another person in the eye and tell that person (that you love, and yes, I do love him) that you want a divorce. You might say that cheating is worse, but cheating is easier. And I know, that is my fault and I should not have done it. But people are people and they often go the easier route. And people make mistakes. ALL of us. You might make different mistakes than I do, but you do them well. So, please don't tell me that I am a bad person. You have no idea who I am or what I do. This is one thing that I have done in my life, but there are many other things that I have done as well. Who gives you the right to judge others like that?

August 25, 2015

But, you ARE cheating on your husband. And cheating is not the answer. If you didn't have a problem with it, you wouldn't be here.

He's older than you are. But, there's other things that you could have thought of. For instance, he's older. Have you considered that he might have low T? That could easily explain his not having a sex drive and lack of affection? Has he been to the Doctor? Have you considered going to marriage counseling before you cheated?

And as far as the hugging, cuddling and kissing, that could still be part of low T and if you've seen a significant drop off after you started your affair. Well, I still think he knows you're cheating and if this is the case, I wouldn't want to hug, cuddle and be affectionate towards you knowing your were just with someone else either.

In my opinion, I really think that you need to come clean to your husband about what you've been doing. Personally, I don't think he'll be too shocked. Hurt? Yeah. Shocked? Not as much as you think.

Okay, you've had problems in your marriage. He can take the blame for 50% of the problems you two have had. And you need to own up to the other 50%. But, your cheating was 100% on you. That's not his fault. That was a choice YOU made. So, you need to own it.

And if you tell him, it MIGHT mean the end of your marriage, and it might not. If it's the end, well...you weren't happy anyway so maybe it's for the best. BUT! if he wants to work it out, then YOU BOTH have a lot of work to do and it's still no guarantee that your marriage will work. There's going to be a lot of pain and anger and raw feelings.

You're husband is going to go on a ride and it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's an actual thing. One minute he'll be laughing, the next minute he'll be crying. One minute happy, the next minute angry as hell. One minute he can't see a life without you, the next he hates your guts and can't stand the site of you. Lots of ups and downs. He has no choice. He's going to ride that coaster. Question is, are you strong enough to ride it with him?

Now, I'm sure my internet wife will be around to clean this up.

I just cheated on him recently. He has not hugged, cuddled, kissed me for years. So, you still think this is a direct response to my cheating? Maybe he sensed the cheating in some way years ago...so it probably was always my fault...

August 25, 2015

It is not easy to look another person in the eye and tell that person (that you love, and yes, I do love him) that you want a divorce. You might say that cheating is worse, but cheating is easier.

I would amend your statement to say "for some people, cheating is easier". And therein lies the reason some cheat and some don't...

Mr. Lucky

August 25, 2015

I would amend your statement to say "for some people, cheating is easier". And therein lies the reason some cheat and some don't...

Mr. Lucky

I know. And I admit it. I went the easy route without thinking much.

August 25, 2015

Just read your first post and I think your H knows what's going on with the OM and is turning a blind eye. He knows he doesn't satisfy you, but he still wants to be married to you.

No man of average intelligence would think sleeping the night in a man's house was ok, regardless of their being sex in the marriage. If I tried such a thing, I'm quite sure divorce papers would be coming my way and vice versa.

I'll read the rest, but just had to say this.

August 25, 2015

Displays of affection, kissing, cuddling etc are often a habit. This came as a surprise to me! We're just coming out of a really rough patch (to say the least!). This time last year we had an enormous amount of stress, job loss, family issues etc. I then became very sick & nearly died. After extensive surgery I fell into a deep depression. My H has always suffered from depression. We were a complete mess for nearly a year with things going from bad to worse. We were blaming everything!! Terrible problems. Terrible marriage. We realized that after 25 years of being a very affectionate couple we had become a 'peck on the lips' like family couple! We had major issues & were internally blaming eachother for the lack of affection. He wasn't cuddling me so I wasn't cuddling him. I wasn't kissing him so he wasnt kissing me! Ugh!! What a mess.

If you want an affectionate marriage why not try? Forget about all the other 'stuff' just for a few days. When you get home just walk-up & hug him. Give him a kiss. Will he push you away? Does he reject little affectionate moves? To break these habits you just have to break them!! I'm not saying that after all these years (& ALL the other stuff that's going on) you're suddenly going to become a passionate couple. I'm not sure if you guys are so far gone that this is a stupid idea but someone else might be reading this & it could help them.

I know it sounds obvious but I wish someone had just told me to grab my husband & kiss & hold him! Sitting on a high horse of resentment has never helped a relationship. I've been amazed how fast we've got back to our old cuddly, kissy selves. Our son barged in on the hug & squeeled with glee "Family cuddle time again!! I missed this!".

I know I'm being innocent & over simplistic given all the crap you're going through. I'm just saying 'baby steps'. Why not?

We live in a world of instant gratification. Why fix it when it's so easy to trade-in for a different model? From the day I said my vows I've assumed I'd die married to my H. If you don't consider divorce as an option, even a remote possibility... Then you try, you work. Who wants to be miserable for their whole life? If the only available options are happy or sad marriage you'll do whatever's necessary to get happy.

Obviously it takes 2. If you've given it your all & it's still sad then leave.

August 25, 2015

I also would like to know: is it normal to just not have sex often when married? I wonder sometimes if I complain about something that is completely normal??? Is it? We are married for 4 years now, but the low sex drive was always an issue. So, I am guessing it is not normal. But then again, many husbands/wives complain about this issue.

Having lots and lots and lots of sex in a marriage, no matter how old, is totally normal.

However a sexless marriage where neither person wants to engage in sex is also totally normal.

This issue is that you want intimacy and your husband cannot give it to you. You thought you could accept that (or probably change your husband) and now you regret it. Plain and simple.

Don't feel bad for not wanting to compromise any more. The cheating is a whole other issue. But you need to either get both you and your husband totally on board with fixing your marriage, or you need to get out of it, and now.

August 25, 2015

Not sure if you've answered this, but again: how is it that you get to sleep at the OM's place without issue from your H? Have you two discussed this arrangement?

August 26, 2015

I just cheated on him recently. He has not hugged, cuddled, kissed me for years. So, you still think this is a direct response to my cheating? Maybe he sensed the cheating in some way years ago...so it probably was always my fault...

Okay, so it may be that he has low T. Or maybe his mother didn't show him a lot of affection when he was a kid! WHO THE HELL KNOWS! But, you didn't investigate it. You said it yourself, instead of fixing the problem, you cheated because it was the easier fix.

But, what does that get you? Temporary sexual satisfaction? Temporary affection? But what happens when your cheating is discovered? Pain, anger, disgust, heartbreak, sadness......

Didn't you think of what you stand to lose when you cheated? That you could lose your husband? Your Marriage? Your home? A sense of safety and security? What if your family finds out that your marriage ended due to your affair? What will they say?

And what does the OM stand to lose? Absolutely nothing.

Cheating is NEVER the answer. You lose a lot more than you gain. An if you think that if your marriage ends and you and the OM will live happily ever after, I wouldn't be so sure on that. Only about 7% of relationships that start out from affairs actually make it the long haul. Because the foundation of your relationship was built on the pain of others. Plus, it will be hard to trust each other. Because, if he was willing to cheat with you, then he has no problem cheating on you. And vice versa. You're going to have trust issues.

Now, you got it in your head that people think that you're a bad person. You're not a bad person, but what you are doing is very bad. You've made some bad choices and people can see nothing positive from what you're doing. A lot of people have been in your husbands shoes and you trigger people and remind them of the betrayal they've been through. So, folks are trying to get you to SEE that cheating isn't the answer.

August 26, 2015

OP

I know it is tempting, but please don't get on the defending yourself crazy train. Bad person, not bad person....it is an exercise in futility because you'll never get a consensus, and it is a distraction.

Here is what you know:

You believe you love your husband

You need intimacy and sex

You were not getting it

This hurt you

You were/are afraid to confront the situation head on

You chose to cheat

You feel horrible about it

Those are the things to sort through and focus on. Which ones can you control? You can end your affair. You can be honest about it, along with your needs. You can talk to your husband. You can gently ask and encourage him to see a doctor.

There, right now, are two people in your life whose opinion of you matters: your husband and you. Focus on that. Be the kind of woman you can be proud of, and your husband can respect. It'll take time. It'll be hard. He might even leave, though I really don't think so.

And you know, in the end, you may end up with a marriage to a really good man that is better but might never be the passionfest you always thought you wanted. I am close to 50. I am a passionate person, but I also understand somethings a lot better than I did 20 years ago. Passion is wonderful, and I wouldn't completely forego it in a relationship....but I can tell you, in the long run, emotional intimacy, loyalty, trust, respect, fun, connection, laughter, being safe....those things go a lot farther for a lot longer than fireworks. I'm not saying forget fireworks....but they are only a part of the whole.

I can't believe I just typed that - my 30 year old self would faint. But life teaches us things.

August 26, 2015

I also would like to know: is it normal to just not have sex often when married? I wonder sometimes if I complain about something that is completely normal??? Is it? We are married for 4 years now, but the low sex drive was always an issue. So, I am guessing it is not normal. But then again, many husbands/wives complain about this issue.

Since "the low sex drive was always an issue", you married him knowing this. That was the deal you agreed to when you said "I do". You looked at his pros and cons and said yes. The thing about affairs is that it motivates you to be dissatisfied and to look for and focus in on your spouse's faults to justify your affair. To be sure, all spouses have faults, it is just a matter of if they are important to you enough not to want to be married because of them.

If you came to this site prior to cheating, we would have advised you on how to try to stay in the marriage, or to divorce, but we would not have advised you to cheat. Cheating should never be an option. You do not get to lie to your spouse as you betray them in securing another option prior to divorce. Had you ended your marriage prior to becoming more than just friends with the other man that would have been one thing; but you have now polluted your relationship with this other man by cheating. Your relationship with the other man will now forever be tainted with "if they cheat with you they will cheat on you".

Edited August 26, 2015 by Try

August 26, 2015

OP

I know it is tempting, but please don't get on the defending yourself crazy train. Bad person, not bad person....it is an exercise in futility because you'll never get a consensus, and it is a distraction.

Here is what you know:

You believe you love your husband
You need intimacy and sex
You were not getting it
This hurt you
You were/are afraid to confront the situation head on
You chose to cheat
You feel horrible about it

Those are the things to sort through and focus on. Which ones can you control? You can end your affair. You can be honest about it, along with your needs. You can talk to your husband. You can gently ask and encourage him to see a doctor.

There, right now, are two people in your life whose opinion of you matters: your husband and you. Focus on that. Be the kind of woman you can be proud of, and your husband can respect. It'll take time. It'll be hard. He might even leave, though I really don't think so.

And you know, in the end, you may end up with a marriage to a really good man that is better but might never be the passionfest you always thought you wanted. I am close to 50. I am a passionate person, but I also understand somethings a lot better than I did 20 years ago. Passion is wonderful, and I wouldn't completely forego it in a relationship....but I can tell you, in the long run, emotional intimacy, loyalty, trust, respect, fun, connection, laughter, being safe....those things go a lot farther for a lot longer than fireworks. I'm not saying forget fireworks....but they are only a part of the whole.

I can't believe I just typed that - my 30 year old self would faint. But life teaches us things.

QFT - Great post.

August 26, 2015

The thing is that all these betrayed people on here are putting the betrayal and whatever is necessary for reconciliation at the top of the priority list. It shouldn't be. The affair is just a painful symptom and even if she comes clean, that doesn't change anything about the responsibility of the "poor" husband who refused sex therapy.
She doesn't need to empathize with her husband, she should get properly mad at him for not making the effort to meet her fundamental needs.

It is what I regret the most about my long lost marriage: too much empathy from my side for all the difficulties that she faced and that took her mind away from sex. And then even more compassion when I saw the pain my affair had caused her. It took years for me (post-divorce) to realize how much anger and sadness had been building up inside me during that sexless marriage. All buried under mountains of compassion.

I'll go cool down now

I think we'll just have to agree to disagree. By saying that the affair is a symptom, I take it to mean you're implying that the sexless marriage caused that symptom. I fundamentally disagree. And I don't think I'm going to convince you otherwise. If I'm to be considered a bitter, angry betrayed spouse that is taking out from frustrations on the OP, I think it's fair to say that your experiences have also colored your advice (as you have said yourself more than once). Instead of fundamentally discarding any one point of view, I'd suggest she try to avoid them all.

That's not to say that she shouldn't be mad about a persistently sexless marriage. I can empathize with that immensely. I went thru it for seven years. I think it's atrocious when a spouse unilaterally curses their partner with a lack of physical intimacy. It's categorically unfair and it's like a death of a thousand cuts. Personally, I find it to be a dealbreaker.

The problem is just as I said earlier: the OP had other logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices about how to handle it and instead she chose to have an affair. It didn't solve jack crap. And now she's got another problem on her hands. It wasn't smart and she needs to own it.

Now does that mean that the affair needs to be the only priority? Certainly not. It's going to be one huge problem that needs to be solved but multi-tasking is possible and my experience is that many, many betrayed spouses are willing to engaged in marriage counseling and to tackle both marital issues and the affair.

August 26, 2015

OP

I know it is tempting, but please don't get on the defending yourself crazy train. Bad person, not bad person....it is an exercise in futility because you'll never get a consensus, and it is a distraction.

Here is what you know:

You believe you love your husband
You need intimacy and sex
You were not getting it
This hurt you
You were/are afraid to confront the situation head on
You chose to cheat
You feel horrible about it

Those are the things to sort through and focus on. Which ones can you control? You can end your affair. You can be honest about it, along with your needs. You can talk to your husband. You can gently ask and encourage him to see a doctor.

There, right now, are two people in your life whose opinion of you matters: your husband and you. Focus on that. Be the kind of woman you can be proud of, and your husband can respect. It'll take time. It'll be hard. He might even leave, though I really don't think so.

And you know, in the end, you may end up with a marriage to a really good man that is better but might never be the passionfest you always thought you wanted. I am close to 50. I am a passionate person, but I also understand somethings a lot better than I did 20 years ago. Passion is wonderful, and I wouldn't completely forego it in a relationship....but I can tell you, in the long run, emotional intimacy, loyalty, trust, respect, fun, connection, laughter, being safe....those things go a lot farther for a lot longer than fireworks. I'm not saying forget fireworks....but they are only a part of the whole.

I can't believe I just typed that - my 30 year old self would faint. But life teaches us things.

I really liked your post. Thank you! I get that passion is not everything and that it will never be like in the beginning of a relationship, but I just miss to have a husband who wants me from time to time. Someone who wants to have sex with me when we lay in bed. I am not saying daily but sometimes would be nice. I cannot even imagine this anymore.

I am very grateful that I have what I have and for the last years I have tried to concentrate on the positives in my relationship rather than this one problem. I was very patient with my husband. I was very loving. I was always the one who initiated sex and I was the one who hugged him/kissed him, etc. Many times this resulted in a husband faking a "headache" or a "stomachache" or just plainly turning his back to mine. Many nights I was in bed crying while he was sleeping. I did this for years. There comes the time when you just feel stupid being the person who initiates these things over and over again. When we fought, I was the one who said sorry and wanted to talk (even tough it might have not been my "fault").

He is not good with talking about problems. It took me a long time to get him to communicate with me. I worked on this relationship for a long time. Yes, he is a great guy. He is a wonderful person and I have so much to be grateful for.

I honestly the thought of never having a man in my life that really wants me sexually is not something that I want to imagine in my life. But I am afraid that when I leave I will never find the great other qualities my husband has in another man. I am also afraid of hurting him. I do not even know how to initiate this conversation.

I talked to someone recently about my problem and this person told me to not tell my husband that I have cheated, because that would just hurt him more than it would do any good. However, all of you here are telling me to tell him the truth. I just wonder what your reasoning is. I get the point that honesty is important in a relationship. I just wondered if anyone thinks that I should not be honest.

I just want to get opinions, that is all.

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 26, 2015

He is not drinking because of me. He was a heavy drinker since he is 20. When he met me he stopped drinking that much, but he still did it more than I thought was acceptable. And as I said earlier, it's not all about sex. It's about just being physically intimate: like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc. As much as you might want to see me as this horrible cheater who only wants sex, I am not that.

Okay, so you're just a cheater who wants sex AND hugs. Doesn't change the fact you should leave your husband. Practice that "love" you talked about.

August 26, 2015

However, all of you here are telling me to tell him the truth. I just wonder what your reasoning is. I get the point that honesty is important in a relationship. I just wondered if anyone thinks that I should not be honest.

The idea that he already senses something's up may make it an easier subject to broach with him. He allows you to sleep at the OM's place. Do you think, given his own issues and insecurities, that he's that naive to think something isn't going on?

Aside from that, though: it is about the honesty, yes. The argument you hear about not causing him more pain by telling him doesn't hold water, IMO. Because if he finds out from someone else or in some other manner, I assure you he won't agree with your reasoning. Not telling isn't about the BS's feelings as much as it is about the WS's feelings.

August 26, 2015

I get the point that honesty is important in a relationship. I just wondered if anyone thinks that I should not be honest. I just want to get opinions, that is all.

You know when you say stuff like this it comes off like basically you were hoping people would tell you to lie to your husband. If that is what you are looking for well yes, you will find that here as well because some people do spout the silliness of "no reason to hurt him, just lie".

So if you are looking for someone to tell you it is okay to lie to him just stick around long enough and I guarantee it will happen. But it doesn't mean you should. You said you loved him, time to act like it.

August 26, 2015

No, I was not waiting for someone to tell me to not tell him the truth. After the responses I got I knew that most people would tell me to tell him the truth. I just wanted to know why. Most of you told me to tell him the truth and all I wanted was an explanation. Maybe you had a similar experience and are glad to have told the truth for a certain reason. Or maybe you have been cheated on and your spouse told you the truth and you were grateful for the truth. Who knows? I just wanted to get some input. Thats all. Because my friends that I am talking to in person are giving me different advice. Maybe that is because they know me and are my friends and therefor much more gentle with me.

August 26, 2015

I get that, but I just have to say it worries me you had to ask "why should I tell my spouse the truth?" . Just another reason this marriage should end don't you think?

August 26, 2015

The idea that he already senses something's up may make it an easier subject to broach with him. He allows you to sleep at the OM's place. Do you think, given his own issues and insecurities, that he's that naive to think something isn't going on?

Aside from that, though: it is about the honesty, yes. The argument you hear about not causing him more pain by telling him doesn't hold water, IMO. Because if he finds out from someone else or in some other manner, I assure you he won't agree with your reasoning. Not telling isn't about the BS's feelings as much as it is about the WS's feelings.

Sub, thank you for your advice!

August 26, 2015

Not to press too hard, but: Would you agree that your H may already know you've been "with" with the OM?

August 26, 2015

Not to press too hard, but: Would you agree that your H may already know you've been "with" with the OM?

Not sure. The thought has crossed my mind.

August 26, 2015

To be honest if you think he thinks you have been with another guy that is all the more reason to leave him. Because if he thinks you've been with another man and he hasn't booted you to the curb it just means he lacks the guts to end the marriage himself.

It's quite depressing to see a man who seems to be okay with his wife cheating. Sounds like a man who is broken inside.

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Having an affair in a sexless marriage

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