Having an affair in a sexless marriage

August 25, 2015

Wife33, I just noticed that your H lets you sleep at the OM's place. What are the circumstances that would lead to this? And have you discussed this with your H, as to why he's OK with it?

August 25, 2015

I also would like to know: is it normal to just not have sex often when married? I wonder sometimes if I complain about something that is completely normal??? Is it? We are married for 4 years now, but the low sex drive was always an issue. So, I am guessing it is not normal. But then again, many husbands/wives complain about this issue.

A lot of married couples fall into this rut for a number of reasons. If a couple have full time jobs as well as children one or both can often be too physically exhausted to make sex a main priority like it used to be.

The most common reason though, I think, is familiarity. At the start of a new relationship you're banging away like a couple of mountain goats because it's the butterflies 'I can't get enough of you' stage. The nature of love changes over time to different levels depending on the stage of a relationship. Being with one person for a lengthy period of time can become boring to some people.

That's why you have to constantly put effort in to keep things fresh and exciting. If you just go along with it and allow it to become monotonous same old same old every time you are intimate then nobody is going to be climbing the walls in excitement for it to happen on too much of a regular basis. I've been married to my wife for 5 years and I still can't keep my hands off of her on a daily basis. And vice versa. To me, that's what I view as 'healthy' but that's because it works for our marriage.

When married sex turns stale it's usually due to a lack of effort on either one or both partners sides. It's not something that is un-fixable if there are two willing spouses who still love and want eachother. A lot of people say that too much emphasis is put on sex in a relationship and that it isn't that important. Well I disagree, while it's not EVERYTHING, it is a vital part of holding a marriage together. And if it isn't working for one person then it's a problem.

August 25, 2015

I think the mistake is to try to over-connect what are really two separate issues.

There is the issue of a sexless marriage. And while some people assume their lack of interest in sex should generalize to the whole of society, most marriage experts agree that is IS in fact a valid and important need for many people. So yes, your sexless marriage IS a legitimate hurt and concern.

Then we have the affair. This is pretty black and white. Cheating is wrong, or it isn't. I believe it is, and it sounds like the OP does too. So while a sexless marriage can certainly make someone feel lonely, rejected, hurt, etc......it cannot MAKE someone cheat.

There are two problems in this marriage. The acute problem is the bleeding wound of the A. The other is the chronic condition of the sexless marriage.

Ya gotta fix that bleeding wound first. Then tackle the chronic condition.

August 25, 2015

"I look better and people even ask me all the time what has changed, that I am glowing, that I look great, etc. I know it is because of the other guy. The other guy is also a great guy and we spent a lot of time together, I consider him one of my best friends now. I am not sure about what I should do. I am scared to lose the other guy, because I feel like he is a special to me."

That's not love. I don't care if your hubby isn't giving you sex, either fix it or divorce, but don't say you love him right after talking about how you're spending so much time with some other dude. Also make no mistake: this other dude isn't a nice guy. Just look at the way he is carrying on with a married woman. So I just want you to know if you leave your husband you aren't moving on to someone better.

You said you don't like cheating..but I hate to break this to you: you are already having an emotional affair. You are already a cheater. Just leave your husband, why stay in a marriage where you don't love and respect your husband and where you are unhappy? I know you said you love your husband, but you don't love him the way a wife should, so just get out of the marriage.

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 25, 2015

In my second marriage I had the same issue...my husband rarely touched me and I had to almost always initiate sex. We maybe had sex three times a year. He was 13 years younger than me, he should've wanted it all the time. He did have a drinking problem which I believe attributed to it. I talked until I was blue in the face, bought sexy lingerie..did everything I could think of. After he got physical one night after he got angry and was drunk...I was done. I could not live like this anymore. We didn't have sex for six months before I asked for a separation, nor did I have it with any one else...He refused counseling and refused to quit drinking. I personally wasn't willing to live in a sexless marriage...after 5 years we split and are divorced.

Now the relationship I ended up in afterwards was not one I'm proud of...but I do know how this can be very frustrating

August 25, 2015

It is not normal, but it isn't uncommon either. You know all those old jokes about sex drying up after a few years of marriage? Jokes are usually funny because they have a semblance of truth to them. Every marriage is different.

August 25, 2015

Just leave your husband already! I mean, seriously?!?! He's not stupid! He knows what's going on! You're sleeping at another man place and you think he doesn't know?!?!

Then why does he let you do that? Because he's afraid! You're getting something from someone else that he can't give you! And if he doesn't let that happen for you, you'll leave him anyway. So, he's afraid to lose you. Sure, you're getting your physical needs met elsewhere. But, in every other facet of the marriage, I bet he's going out of his way to make sure you're happy. But, how is that you being fair to him? He's a middle aged man. He knows he can't compete. He can't physically keep up for what you want or need. That's not his fault! It's just nature and he gets punished for it. You say that he's drinking too much. Did you ever consider that he knows what you're doing and drinking is the one thing he's doing to cope with the pain? Could be a possibility! It's not unheard of!

So, fess up to what you've been doing. I'm pretty sure he won't be as shocked as you think. And let him go! Let him find someone that values the closeness and partnership more than a roll in the hay. Let him find someone that enjoys long walks hand in hand or sitting on the porch swing watching the stars. Let him find a woman that wants to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be and doesn't put a high value on sex.

You're not being fair to yourself and you are DEFINITELY not being fair to your husband.

August 25, 2015

Just leave your husband already! I mean, seriously?!?! He's not stupid! He knows what's going on! You're sleeping at another man place and you think he doesn't know?!?!

Then why does he let you do that? Because he's afraid! You're getting something from someone else that he can't give you! And if he doesn't let that happen for you, you'll leave him anyway. So, he's afraid to lose you. Sure, you're getting your physical needs met elsewhere. But, in every other facet of the marriage, I bet he's going out of his way to make sure you're happy. But, how is that you being fair to him? He's a middle aged man. He knows he can't compete. He can't physically keep up for what you want or need. That's not his fault! It's just nature and he gets punished for it. You say that he's drinking too much. Did you ever consider that he knows what you're doing and drinking is the one thing he's doing to cope with the pain? Could be a possibility! It's not unheard of!

So, fess up to what you've been doing. I'm pretty sure he won't be as shocked as you think. And let him go! Let him find someone that values the closeness and partnership more than a roll in the hay. Let him find someone that enjoys long walks hand in hand or sitting on the porch swing watching the stars. Let him find a woman that wants to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be and doesn't put a high value on sex.

You're not being fair to yourself and you are DEFINITELY not being fair to your husband.

I wouldn't put it exactly like this, but there are some good points.

Sex and intimacy is very important to you, and there is not one thing wrong with that.

It isn't as important to your husband, and there isn't one thing wrong with that.

The problem is, just as it is not fair to try to make your husband into something is not, it is also not fair to expect you to stop being something you are.

And then the cheating, which is a separate issue, is just wrong. And you know that, which is why you feel miserable about it.

There are many women out there who don't care about "a roll in the hay" who could be happy with a man who doesn't need that. And there are many men out there who understand that the emotional need for sexual fulfillment and affection are not just a roll in the hay.

August 25, 2015

I wouldn't put it exactly like this, but there are some good points.

Sex and intimacy is very important to you, and there is not one thing wrong with that.

It isn't as important to your husband, and there isn't one thing wrong with that.

The problem is, just as it is not fair to try to make your husband into something is not, it is also not fair to expect you to stop being something you are.

And then the cheating, which is a separate issue, is just wrong. And you know that, which is why you feel miserable about it.

There are many women out there who don't care about "a roll in the hay" who could be happy with a man who doesn't need that. And there are many men out there who understand that the emotional need for sexual fulfillment and affection are not just a roll in the hay.

Thanks for the critique. Hey, I made a post over on dignifiedgirls thread. Why don't you run over there and see if I said anything wrong.

August 25, 2015

Thanks for the critique. Hey, I made a post over on dignifiedgirls thread. Why don't you run over there and see if I said anything wrong.

Sorry.....there should be a sheepish emoticon. I confess I get a little sensitive on the sex-starved threads.

It really makes me mad that you can make me mad and I still like you.

OP, the bottom line is that coming clean and being 100% honest with your husband is going to be the only way to resolve this.

August 25, 2015

Sorry.....there should be a sheepish emoticon. I confess I get a little sensitive on the sex-starved threads.

It really makes me mad that you can make me mad and I still like you.

OP, the bottom line is that coming clean and being 100% honest with your husband is going to be the only way to resolve this.

I honestly believe her husband knows, I'm mean really, what 32 year old married woman sleeps over at her male friends house? I think he is so ashamed of his issue that he turns a blind eye.

OP I know if I had that issue and my SO kept calling it a failure I would be to excited about putting much effort in it.

August 25, 2015

I honestly believe her husband knows, I'm mean really, what married woman sleeps over at her male friends house? I think he is so ashamed of his issue that he turns a blind eye.

OP I know if I had that issue and my SO kept calling it a failure I would be to excited about putting much effort in it.

That makes me sad for him

I confess that for a brief time after years of being sex starved, I made a few of those "what man doesn't want sex/what straight man/what normal man"....I'm very ashamed of that now. Shaming your partner is never a good thing.

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 25, 2015

Thanks for the critique. Hey, I made a post over on dignifiedgirls thread. Why don't you run over there and see if I said anything wrong.

Sorry autumn, but this made me lol.

August 25, 2015

Sorry autumn, but this made me lol.

LOL! It's all good. Sometimes Autumn and I have a difference of opinion sometimes and we both can be stubborn as hell on different topics. But, at the end of the day she's good people and wants to help. Same as most the rest of us.

Although, I'm starting to think that Autumn and I are like an old married couple! LOL!

Edited August 25, 2015 by Chi townD

August 25, 2015

He may be drinking because he feels unwanted or incapable sexually. If he is physically sound then he needs to find release somehow. You can't just live without sex (at least I can not imagine how). He may have turned to excessive masturbation. When you do that you fully satisfy your physical need but you can't do sex with women anymore, because of sensitivity issues etc etc. Psychologically it can be devastating to a man to believe he is not capable anymore and then he turns to drinking. It's very wild guess, but I had such experience.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Jkidding

August 25, 2015

LOL! It's all good. Sometimes Autumn and I have a difference of opinion sometimes and we both can be stubborn as hell on different topics. But, at the end of the day she's good people and wants to help. Same as most the rest of us.

Although, I'm starting to think that Autumn and I are like an old married couple! LOL!

Um...no. I am NOT old.

OP, try to think of one step you can take today that will help you break away from this miserable cycle.

You said you hate having this affair. Consider what a relief it would be to just...end it. Just cut it off now.

August 25, 2015

Um...no. I am NOT old.

OP, try to think of one step you can take today that will help you break away from this miserable cycle.

You said you hate having this affair. Consider what a relief it would be to just...end it. Just cut it off now.

I said LIKE an old married couple. I didn't call you old.....*facepalm* Here we go again!

August 25, 2015

I said LIKE an old married couple. I didn't call you old.....*facepalm* Here we go again!

I'm not fat either......

OP, I know the sexual part is frustrating, but maybe you could make a list of all the ways your H takes good care of you, all the good things about him, and really focus on those.

Would he be willing to read something together like the 5 Love Languages?

August 25, 2015

I'm not fat either......

OP, I know the sexual part is frustrating, but maybe you could make a list of all the ways your H takes good care of you, all the good things about him, and really focus on those.

Would he be willing to read something together like the 5 Love Languages?

Okay, now you're pick fun at me.

August 25, 2015

I'm not fat either......

OP, I know the sexual part is frustrating, but maybe you could make a list of all the ways your H takes good care of you, all the good things about him, and really focus on those.

Would he be willing to read something together like the 5 Love Languages?

This is funny, because we ordered two copies of one book that we wanted to read to improve our relationship. However, we both only read a few pages. We should pick it back up.

August 25, 2015

Um...no. I am NOT old.

OP, try to think of one step you can take today that will help you break away from this miserable cycle.

You said you hate having this affair. Consider what a relief it would be to just...end it. Just cut it off now.

That's the plan. :-)

August 25, 2015

I honestly believe her husband knows, I'm mean really, what married woman sleeps over at her male friends house? I think he is so ashamed of his issue that he turns a blind eye.

OP I know if I had that issue and my SO kept calling it a failure I would be to excited about putting much effort in it.

I don't call it failure. I said that HE might feel like a failure. And even if I might have called it failure here does not mean that I would ever say that to his face. I am very sensitive about this subject with him.

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

August 25, 2015

This is funny, because we ordered two copies of one book that we wanted to read to improve our relationship. However, we both only read a few pages. We should pick it back up.

One of the most revealing things can be to take an inventory, like filling out the love languages survey or the needs survey from His Needs, Her Needs.

Of course, coming clean is also vital.

August 25, 2015

Just leave your husband already! I mean, seriously?!?! He's not stupid! He knows what's going on! You're sleeping at another man place and you think he doesn't know?!?!

Then why does he let you do that? Because he's afraid! You're getting something from someone else that he can't give you! And if he doesn't let that happen for you, you'll leave him anyway. So, he's afraid to lose you. Sure, you're getting your physical needs met elsewhere. But, in every other facet of the marriage, I bet he's going out of his way to make sure you're happy. But, how is that you being fair to him? He's a middle aged man. He knows he can't compete. He can't physically keep up for what you want or need. That's not his fault! It's just nature and he gets punished for it. You say that he's drinking too much. Did you ever consider that he knows what you're doing and drinking is the one thing he's doing to cope with the pain? Could be a possibility! It's not unheard of!

So, fess up to what you've been doing. I'm pretty sure he won't be as shocked as you think. And let him go! Let him find someone that values the closeness and partnership more than a roll in the hay. Let him find someone that enjoys long walks hand in hand or sitting on the porch swing watching the stars. Let him find a woman that wants to be with him because there's no other place in the world she would rather be and doesn't put a high value on sex.

You're not being fair to yourself and you are DEFINITELY not being fair to your husband.

He is not drinking because of me. He was a heavy drinker since he is 20. When he met me he stopped drinking that much, but he still did it more than I thought was acceptable. And as I said earlier, it's not all about sex. It's about just being physically intimate: like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, etc. As much as you might want to see me as this horrible cheater who only wants sex, I am not that.

August 25, 2015

And: NO, I do not stay for the money. I did not marry for the money either. He does not make that much money. And I am not a person that marries for money. (Sorry that I do not fit your typical younger woman marries older guy stereotype).
Why I have a heard time getting a divorce? Because my husbands lifestyle and genetic makeup led him to have a heart attack 1.5 years ago. He almost died. After that I thought he would stop drinking/smoking. But he never really did (which also frustrated me).

You are sticking around for the money. I am certain of that because the rest of your excuses make no logical sense. He doesn't have to be a millionaire for this to be about financial security... in fact he doesn't even have to make as much as you! Bottom line here is that you want the financial security of a schmuck husband while you try to set up a relationship with some other guy. Divorce is way less emotionally traumatic than being cheated on.

You say that you are not a "bad person", but we judge people by their actions. You act like a bad person. You can fix that, but it seems your not interested.

A good person would either file for a divorce, or come clean about the affair and try to fix the marriage. Those are really your only options. Good people don't string their husbands along waiting for the other man to catch feelings and propose. Bad people do that!

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Having an affair in a sexless marriage

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