Having an affair in a sexless marriage

August 24, 2015

Marriage is something that I would not even consider yet with the OM. That would be something that might come with time.

so, you're stringing along your husband until you get to the point of leaving him high and dry for this OM. i thought you said you loved him... a person who loves someone else doesn't do these things.

August 25, 2015

I'm on the fence about all of the divorce advice you're getting. I suppose it depends on where you get your values from. Are you a Christian? If so I couldn't in good conscience advise you to seek a divorce as you have no biblical grounds to divorce him and you would actually be committing a grievous sin by doing so.

Even if you're not a Christian I still think you may want to weigh your options real carefully and think about the consequences of jumping back into single life. If your husband is as good a man as you claim he is, it would be a shame to throw that away for some orgasms IMO.

For someone who is really wired for intimacy (or might we say someone for whom SF and Affection are the high emotional needs), it's way more than a few orgasms. The same Bible that says not to commit adultery, in I Cor. 7, says not to deprive each other. Many Bible scholars characterize THAT as sexual sin.

I chose to leave my marriage after YEARS of deprivation. I understand some people disagree with that. But dismissing the pain of continued sexual refusal as "a few orgasms" shows a callousness that surprises me.

August 25, 2015

There's something up with him. A normal healthy straight guy is gonna have his hands, mouth, tongue, etc all over you at least a few days every week. Many women get overwhelmed by how much physical attention they get from their men. I bet he's either asexual or gay.

Regardless of the cause, clearly you two are not sexually compatible & should divorce.

August 25, 2015

There's something up with him. A normal healthy straight guy is gonna have his hands, mouth, tongue, etc all over you at least a few days every week. Many women get overwhelmed by how much physical attention they get from their men. I bet he's either asexual or gay.

Regardless of the cause, clearly you two are not sexually compatible & should divorce.

OP clearly stated in the opening post her BH has medical/age issues. OP also stated it was gradual decline...I imagine..as his health issues became more of an issue...it also had an effect on his sexual health as well.

Do not confuse his desire with his inability to maintain an erection.

August 25, 2015

First off, I can empathize with the struggles of missing intimacy. It is a major pillar of any intimate relationship, and if both parties are not equally sexual then they need to work together to meet both partners' needs.

I will echo what others have said about the damage your husband's sexual issues are causing him, and very much yourself. Now ask yourself what you cheating on him will do to that situation.

Before anything else, you need to decide if you can stay in your marriage. You cannot do that while keeping this A going. For as long as you are getting the best of both worlds, you won't be able to make the decision.

If you are interested in staying with your husband, then you need to come clean. From there, if he wants to stay with you, then you need to find a fix. Not a band aid, and certainly not another A.

At any rate, if your decision is to save your marriage, you need to go NC with your AP, and give your husband the same chance to choose this marriage.

All the excuses in the world won't change the fact that you are blatantly using your husband to subsidize your A if it continues.

August 25, 2015

lack of communication~

just get it out there, that you want more from him. tell it to him right the face no sugar coating.

make a list give it to bh!

August 25, 2015

My husband does also not seem to be jealous at all. He does not know about the affair, he thinks we are just friends. He lets me go out with this other guy and even lets me sleep at his place, because he trusts me.

So you are playing the "we are just friends" and the "you need to trust me" cards used by so many cheaters. You are proof as to why it makes sense for so many to have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends ("OSF"). Do not have children with your husband. Please let him go. There are many women that would be happy to have your husband, low sex drive and all. Let him have a chance to find that person.

August 25, 2015

OP,

1) Ignore all the posters who are projecting their anger towards their WS onto you,

2) I've been where you are, and I've done what you did. The end result, after many painful years: divorce and a much happier future for both of us. Even for my spouse, who I feared would have very little "market value" due to medical issues. Your H will be ok, he'll find someone else.

3) If your OM is really what you're looking for, don't ruin that new relationship by keeping a foot in both relationships. Choose clearly and decisively. I caused a lot of pain to 2 great people by taking far too much time to decide what I wanted to do.

Good luck

August 25, 2015

This does seem like a situation where you should have divorced instead of having an affair. Has your affair lowered your opinion of yourself? Do you feel like a lowlife for doing this to your H? Your not doing anyone any favours by adding cheating to your problems, that will make your H feel even worse. You said you have tried the talking, the begging and threatening to leave/cheat already and nothing has changed. Your H's issues seem pretty dire for him, at the very least you should talk about having an open marriage, if he refuses then your only left with divorce. You seem like a nice person who didn't want to cheat, why won't you divorce your H?

August 25, 2015

... Ignore all the posters who are projecting their anger towards their WS onto you...

Admittedly, this is a tough crowd. It was tough on me and I was just trying to reconcile with a wayward. If I had a nickel for every time I was called a cuckold or a doormat...

That said, instead of ignoring the voices of betrayed spouses, I'd suggest you listen closely. Use them to help you empathize with your husband. You are the one person in the world he should be able to trust. IF your marriage must end, do it respectfully. Eliminate the aspect of betrayal.

And if you choose to come clean and reconcile, use the voices of the betrayed spouses here as a sort of sounding board. Whatever thoughts or emotions we may express here, your husband will likely feel the same and tenfold. If you say something here anonymously and it doesn't go over well, you can think twice before saying it at home. Betrayed spouses here can do more than just beat you up (most are actually attempts to wake you up); they can also be very helpful with efforts to reconcile. We know what works and we know what doesn't.

I'd listen to all of the voices. Then you take what works for you and leave the rest.

Edited August 25, 2015 by BetrayedH

August 25, 2015

Your husband appears to be one happy cuckold.... assuming that your story is real.

no husband lets his wife "sleep over' at another man's house without suspecting they are having sex. so I would guess your husband knows he can not satisfy you sexually, and is somewhat happy you found this other guy.

Why not take all the pressure out of the situation, sit your hubby down, and explain that you have been physical with this OM. that you still love him and want to stay married, but need the sex from the 2nd guy. make it a true cuckold or hot wife situation, without lying about it. You MIGHT be surprised when he enthusiastically embraces this change in his marriage.

August 25, 2015

To clarify: By another man, I still mean the same guy that I met over the past 5 months. So, not to confuse anyone. I only met one guy. (I just re-read my post and realized that that might have been confusing). I met this OM while my husband and I were in a bad place because he was drinking a lot and did not want to spend much time with me. I established a friendship with the OM during that time and in the last few weeks it became physical. Now my husband does not drink as much because he does not live next to his neighbor, but I feel like this change might be too late because I have some feelings for the OM.

August 25, 2015

I'd listen to all of the voices. Then you take what works for you and leave the rest.

The thing is that all these betrayed people on here are putting the betrayal and whatever is necessary for reconciliation at the top of the priority list. It shouldn't be. The affair is just a painful symptom and even if she comes clean, that doesn't change anything about the responsibility of the "poor" husband who refused sex therapy.

She doesn't need to empathize with her husband, she should get properly mad at him for not making the effort to meet her fundamental needs.

It is what I regret the most about my long lost marriage: too much empathy from my side for all the difficulties that she faced and that took her mind away from sex. And then even more compassion when I saw the pain my affair had caused her. It took years for me (post-divorce) to realize how much anger and sadness had been building up inside me during that sexless marriage. All buried under mountains of compassion.

I'll go cool down now

August 25, 2015

the responsibility of the "poor" husband..

It took years for me (post-divorce) to realize how much anger and sadness had been building up inside me during that sexless marriage. All buried under mountains of compassion.

Who's the "poor" husband now?

August 25, 2015

Who's the "poor" husband now?

Sub, what do you mean exactly?

August 25, 2015

A few things come to mind-

why would you enter in to a sexless marriage if sex is so important to you

have you asked your husband why you don't turn him on

is he willing to try to spice things us

I would say if your marriage has no hope of changing you should consider divorce- it doesn't sound like you want to be a serial cheater so its probably best to be single for a while and maybe you will find someone more compatible-

August 25, 2015

I guess I thought he could change, or I could live with it. No, I don't like cheating and that is not something I want for my future (or his). Some have suggested that I just keep the affair if my husband agrees to it, but that is not anything I could do. I usually only concentrate on one person and eventually I would fall in love with the OM.

I asked him many times if I do not turn him on, or if I can do anything different. He always tells me that he is still attracted to me and that it is in his head and that he fears failure. I told him many times that I don't mind his "failure" and that it is not about that. I told him that it does not even have to be sex, but that we have to be physical in order to feel connected. He agrees, and then we keep on doing what we have done. We have sex every now and then, we agree that we have to do this more often, and then nothing happens for weeks or months at the time. The next time something happens is when I suggest it. I always have to start it/suggest it. I know he watches porn and he can pleasure himself, but with me it seems a struggle for him. It hurt me many times before when I found out that he watches porn but can't be physical with me. Then I just started to accept it and concentrate on my career and other things. I thought I could live like this. Then I met the OM and realized how much I missed the physical aspect of a relationship.

August 25, 2015

Sub, what do you mean exactly?

I just sensed a commentary on victim mentality, and how it can be flipped in situations like this to justify behavior. The "poor" husband comment - note "poor" in sarcastic quotes - in this case. I get that the poster doesn't think he's a victim, because he's refused therapy and won't have sex with you. I tend to agree in that regard. Your H is not "poor" or a victim of that particular issue. I don't feel bad for him that he can't/won't have sex if he won't do anything to fix it. I do feel bad for you that that is the case.

BUUUUTTTT.....(big but)....that doesn't mean you, or many people in situations like this, have no other option but to cheat because of it. Hearing about "mountains of compassion" and "too much empathy"....sounds like martyrdom. Which it isn't when you have a choice. I've heard of people on these boards talk of WS's who cracked because they were in s**tty M's for years, decades. As if to say,"Can you blame them?" My answer will almost always be "yes". Because you have a choice. You have an option to get out. Maybe not quickly or painlessly. But I would advise you to do so.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Sub

August 25, 2015

There's something up with him. A normal healthy straight guy is gonna have his hands, mouth, tongue, etc all over you at least a few days every week. Many women get overwhelmed by how much physical attention they get from their men. I bet he's either asexual or gay.

Regardless of the cause, clearly you two are not sexually compatible & should divorce.

Not true. My ex husband had a low sex drive and we started dating in high school. In the first few years it was the most frequent but after 20/21 he easily fell into 1x a month and then 1x a quarter and was quite happy about that. I do not know of any medical issues with him during our almost two decades together. No matter how many times addressed he had no interest in changing it.

He is remarried with two kids so obviously they are having sex. But not (obviously) sure of the frequency.

August 25, 2015

Not true. My ex husband had a low sex drive and we started dating in high school. In the first few years it was the most frequent but after 20/21 he easily fell into 1x a month and then 1x a quarter and was quite happy about that. I do not know of any medical issues with him during our almost two decades together. No matter how many times addressed he had no interest in changing it.

He is remarried with two kids so obviously they are having sex. But not (obviously) sure of the frequency.

Got it, was the low sex drive the reason for your divorce?

August 25, 2015

He can get off on porn, but no with you? Odd. He doesn't really seem to care about his own health or well being TBH, he sure isn't bothered about yours. Why are you staying married to him? He seems really lazy in your marriage, not making any effort. Is he seeking any help at all with his smoking/drinking/sexual issues? Your marriage isn't just going to get better all by itself, you tried, he didn't. You may well love your H, but you can't stay in this marriage feeling miserable.

August 25, 2015

I also would like to know: is it normal to just not have sex often when married? I wonder sometimes if I complain about something that is completely normal??? Is it? We are married for 4 years now, but the low sex drive was always an issue. So, I am guessing it is not normal. But then again, many husbands/wives complain about this issue.

August 25, 2015

Got it, was the low sex drive the reason for your divorce?

Yes that was one of the reasons for the divorce. Same thing, I went into the marriage knowing how things were but I think that, especially for women, prioritizing sex over all other aspects of a relationship is very hard and we normally just figure we will work around things. At least that is how I thought of things. Looking at it analytically who does that when there are so many other positives? But that, on top of other issues that showed we were both not committed to improving the relationship was the death knelled. He refused to go to counseling, I begged him to go, I started going to IC, I even asked him to go as his gift to me for my birthday that was ignored. And just a lack of any real connection that really started petering out over the last 5 years that just got me to the breaking point.

We were really great friends and after one of our many break ups in college should have stayed friends. We just didn't work romantically but neither prioritized that. So with no kids, no real financial intermingling, it was a very amicable divorce. He is happily remarried with two kids and doing really well.

I too had an affair but after I slept with my MM, I separated. Since he was now the second person in my life that I slept with I knew to do that I was fully done with the marriage. So I separated a few weeks later. Divorcing was the best thing for us.

August 25, 2015

Normal depends on the people in the M. I'm sure there are couples that are perfectly happy to not have sex that frequently. I'd say compatibility is what's most important. It doesn't seem like you and your H have been on the same page, unfortunately.

August 25, 2015

He can get off on porn, but no with you? Odd. He doesn't really seem to care about his own health or well being TBH, he sure isn't bothered about yours. Why are you staying married to him? He seems really lazy in your marriage, not making any effort. Is he seeking any help at all with his smoking/drinking/sexual issues? Your marriage isn't just going to get better all by itself, you tried, he didn't. You may well love your H, but you can't stay in this marriage feeling miserable.

Well, he is not that awful. He is doing a lot in our marriage. He cleans, cooks, is a very happy person. He come home with a smile on his face and is generally a happy/nice man. He tries to make me happy in many ways. He did stop smoking completely (as much as I am aware of it) but drinking is an issue if we are surrounded by people who drink. The sex thing is just something that I believe is hard for him and he does not want to face the problem because of his "failures". But yes, he does not try hard enough in that respect, but I believe that is because he feels ashamed and tries to ignore the issue.

But, he is not lazy in our marriage. He is a hard worker, he is clean, and he tries to make me happy. I know that. I just believe he has a drinking problem, not that he is dependent on it, but when he drinks he does not know when to stop. And he has a problem with intimacy. I want everyone to get the whole picture. He is not a horrible person, I am not a horrible person. But there are problems that led to me cheating. And now I am not sure on what to do. Leave him? Or not leave him and try again? Honestly, I feel a strong connection with OM and I am hopeful that in the future we might get together. I will end the A, but I am hopeful for the future. But I will have to make a decision. Give my marriage another chance (which means give up hope with the OM and lose the OM), or give up my marriage. I just am conflicted and am not sure if the sex life will ever improve. And no, it is not about a few orgasms its about holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, and so much more.

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Having an affair in a sexless marriage

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