Having an affair in a sexless marriage

[Wife33]

Hello,

 

I feel like I really need help because I do not know what to do. I am married to my husband for about 4 years and he is a great guy. The only issue we have is that he does not really want sex. He is trying, but I feel like we only have sex when I am telling him that I need it in order to stay married. I was not always like this. I was more patient and loving and caring for a long time. I always initiated sex and was very patient and did not complain about it much, because in the beginning I wanted to make him feel more comfortable as a sexual being and man. I suspect he feels like a loser because he can't satisfy me sexually, which is another reason why he does not even try. He fears failure. It was always like this. In the beginning there was more sex, but it declined quickly. I was very hurt by this at the beginning, but learned to live with it. I noticed that I changed and that I did not see myself as a sexual being anymore (which is not like me at all). I started wearing plain underwear and I noticed that my looks became less important to me.

The problem is that my husband does not only not touch me sexually, but there is also no other physical contact. Yes, he kisses me on the mouth or cheek to say good-bye, but nothing more than a brotherly/sisterly affection.

He is also much older than I am. I know he has some physical issues. He had a heart-attack a good year ago and has to take medication. But he had the same sexual issues before that already. I understand that this is not really his fault, but I do not understand why he does not at least hug me/cuddle with me in order to make me happy. We also tried viagra once, which worked ok. I feel like sex could work, but it always comes from me, and it is always somewhat of a struggle...which does not make me feel sexually wanted.

Like I said, I would consider him the perfect man if the sex life would be different.

I am a very sexual person and sex/physical attention is very important to me. I was always worried that I might cheat on him or leave him for this, especially if the right guy came along. And 5 month ago I met someone. I knew very quickly that I was in trouble. We started out as friends and we talked about everything, he seems to have all the great qualities that my husband has, but he is my age and he has a healthy sex drive. We also have very similar life experiences. We started having an affair a few weeks ago. My husband does also not seem to be jealous at all. He does not know about the affair, he thinks we are just friends. He lets me go out with this other guy and even lets me sleep at his place, because he trusts me.

This other guy showed me what I am missing. I started seeing myself as a woman again, I look better and people even ask me all the time what has changed, that I am glowing, that I look great, etc. I know it is because of the other guy. The other guy is also a great guy and we spent a lot of time together, I consider him one of my best friends now. I am not sure about what I should do. I am scared to lose the other guy, because I feel like he is a special to me...but I also am scared of leaving my husband and hurting his feelings. I still love my husband, but I honestly do not believe that I will be ever sexually satisfied in this marriage.

My husband and I have no children due to fertility issues, so at least no children would get hurt. However, since my husband is so much older than I, I am worried that when I leave him, he won't find another woman to have children with. I would hate to take that chance from him. As I said he is a great guy and I really love him as a person.

 

What should I do? I feel like I want to leave him to be with the other guy (even though I don't know how that will turn out). Not that I say I would run to the other guy, I would take it slow, live by myself, etc. and take my time to find myself again. But eventually, hopefully be in a relationship with the other guy.

 

Any advice, input, own experiences would be appreciated!

Thank you!

[BetrayedH]

You have only two logical, ethical, and healthy choices: fix your marriage or leave it. And I'd bet that having an affair violates your personal standards, which means an affair is an immoral choice for you as well. Stop entitling yourself to door #3. You really have no idea what a disaster you may be making for yourself and your husband. And there will be no time machine, no matter how much you wish for one.

[Wife33]

Thank you for your response. Yes, I feel horrible for cheating. Even though it makes me feel good, it also breaks my heart that I am doing this to someone I love. And he is a great guy who really deserves better than this. I guess I need to make a choice.

[Buckeye2]

Does the OM want you for his wife or just sex? He may not be a long term option.

[Wife33]

I know that a relationship with the OM might not work out. However, I know he would like to be with me. Marriage is something that I would not even consider yet with the OM. That would be something that might come with time.

[autumnnight]

First, I understand the terrible pain and loneliness of a marriage without intimacy. However, the cheating not only doesn't fix it, it just adds all sorts of other complicated dimensions.

 

First, you are deceiving your husband. That is NOT a foundation for intimacy. You have already said that you feel guilty. No matter what kind of temporary good feeling you may get, the guilt and the way you have to compartmentalize is eating away at you. This will hurt you and your marriage.

 

Also, and I will admit up front this is the selfish side, prior to the cheating you had a legitimate concern and reason to even consider leaving the marriage. When your H finds out (and he probably will), then none of your sexlessness will matter. Your marriage became about nothing but an affair when you cheated. I'm not being harsh, I am being honest and pragmatic. I've been around forums awhile, and trust me when I say nothing about your marriage matters once you cheat.

 

I would recommend ending the A and cutting all contact with the OM and being humbly honest with your H. There will be fallout, but it is the only way for there to be a chance, maybe, sometimes down the road, that you can have a real marriage, should your husband decide to stay.

[RightThere]

My husband does also not seem to be jealous at all. He does not know about the affair, he thinks we are just friends. He lets me go out with this other guy and even lets me sleep at his place, because he trusts me.

 

I just wanted to say my ex used this same line on me when she was having an affair. And it drive me insane.

 

Your husband isn't jealous because you haven't told him about the affair. And that is why he is NOT JEALOUS.

 

He lets you go out with him because he assumes you are friends and he trusts you. Not because he thinks you needs to get laid.

 

When you sleep at this guy's place, what exactly do you tell your husband? Because I highly doubt it even comes close to "I'm going to sleep at Joe's house in the same bed as him. See you tomorrow."

 

To answer your question, what should you do? Leave your husband. It's obvious he can't satisfy you, so don't treat him like this and go find your happiness elsewhere. He will be fine without you.

[troubadour]

My husband does also not seem to be jealous at all. He does not know about the affair, he thinks we are just friends. He lets me go out with this other guy and even lets me sleep at his place, because he trusts me.

 

 

Your husband appears to be one happy cuckold.... assuming that your story is real.

[jbrent890]

Hi Wife 33,

 

The biggest thing that you can do is be honest with your husband. Not just about the affair, but how dire your desire for physical intimacy is. The sad fact is that nothing will get resolved until you tell your husband that this is a problem. Luckily for you, even though your affair has been physical, it hasn't been heavily emotional yet. Also, you appear to be regretful and remorseful and the fact that you are here asking what to do is a huge step. Have you brought this issue up with your husband before. Maybe he needs to explore other options. Their are other things out besides viagra. Again, TALK to your husband. Good luck.

[Wife33]

@ autumnnight: Thank you for your response.

[d0nnivain]

You can't make the decision to leave your marriage based on the possibility that your AP will be there. You need to get out of your marriage because you are having an affair. Tell your husband about the OM; I'm sure he will make your choice for you.

[Wife33]

Thanks for all your responses. I talked to my husband. For years. Many times. In tears. I even told him that I could not live like this and that I will eventually cheat/divorce. That I do not want to cheat/divorce but that this might be one outcome. I know how horrible it is to cheat. I am not a cheater. I never wanted to cheat and I never did this before. But I feel like I also cannot give up my sex life forever. I asked my husband to go to sex therapy, he thought it was too expensive. I am not trying to blame him. It is not his fault. But now it just came to this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I would probably think the worst of myself, but sometimes you don't know all the things you can be capable of until they happen.

[jbrent890]

Thanks for all your responses. I talked to my husband. For years. Many times. In tears. I even told him that I could not live like this and that I will eventually cheat/divorce. That I do not want to cheat/divorce but that this might be one outcome. I know how horrible it is to cheat. I am not a cheater. I never wanted to cheat and I never did this before. But I feel like I also cannot give up my sex life forever. I asked my husband to go to sex therapy, he thought it was too expensive. I am not trying to blame him. It is not his fault. But now it just came to this. I never thought I would ever be in this situation. I would probably think the worst of myself, but sometimes you don't know all the things you can be capable of until they happen.

 

The thing is wife33, if your husband was not holding up his deal, then that warranted him a divorce, not to be cheated on. However, you realize what you are doing is wrong and I think you want to change. Again, be honest with your husband about everything. If he chooses to stay, then maybe you guys can come up with solutions. Also, not to make what you did okay, but I don't think your husband is that oblivious. I have a feeling that he knows what is going on between you and this guy. Talk to him and maybe he might give you the okay to fulfill your sexual needs outside the relationship if he is unable to. Trust me, he would not be the first husband to do that.

[DKT3]

Wife 33, let's get honest. You did want to cheat, if you didn't you wouldn't have. You did know you would/could cheat because you told your husband you would. Your mood and appearance could have improved with this other guy you just didn't allow it. That starts and ends between your ears not your legs.

 

If what you say is true about your husband is true then he earned himself a front row seat in divorces court. How does f*cking another guy on the way out the door help anyone involved?

 

Lastly you really aren't being honest, you say something about not working with the other guy then talk about marriage down the line. Which leads me to this question. What's the hold up? If your already seeing marriage with this other guy down the road why are you asking what to do, and looking for advice? Its simple, go home pack up your stuff and take off. What's the point in prolonging this and making your husband a fool for trusting you.

 

I know my comments are harsh, but your not being honest with yourself. What's holding you in your marriage?

[autumnnight]

OP, I don't know what your feelings or your family's feelings are about divorce. But let me tell you this: no matter how you spin it spun it, do it....there will always be SOMEONE in your life who will think you were bad for divorcing. There will always be someone who thinks it is YOUR fault you were in a sexless marriage, and if you had just done X,Y,Z long enough it would have worked...or that you are shallow for even caring that much about touch. In someone's eyes, you will be the bad guy no matter WHY you divorce.

 

And yes, your husband will be sad, he will probably beg you not to, and he will make it tough on you.

 

Here's the deal. Cheating is ALWAYS the wrong choice, and it sounds like you already knew that. That tells me that your fear of the fallout from divorcing was, at one point, worse than your fear of getting caught cheating. I understand that fear, but it is messed up thinking.

 

Be honest with your H, take responsibility for your choice, and go ahead and divorce. You are not going to be content in a sexless marriage, and your guilt over the A will only help you deal with not being touched for so long.

[Sandy43]

Cheating is never the answer, if you are not happy with your M then it's time to leave.

[central]

Either divorce or negotiate an explicitly open relationship. There are no other good options - cheating is never a good option. Divorce is probably best, regardless of what anyone else may think. Besides, in time they'll get over it - if they don't, then just have nothing to do with judgmental jerks, even if they're family. You have one life to live - make the most of it, just try to do so ethically.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you for your response. Yes, I feel horrible for cheating. Even though it makes me feel good, it also breaks my heart that I am doing this to someone I love. And he is a great guy who really deserves better than this. I guess I need to make a choice.

 

I don't mean to make you feel horrible.

 

But what I can say is that lots of people get "caught up" in the early emotions of an affair and it drives their decision-making. And once a big boundary has been crossed (like actually entering into a physical affair), it becomes "easier" to cross the next one. In a relatively short period of time, this emotional decision making has taken you to a place you never should have gone and one that can have atrocious consequences for the people you love. Stop making emotional decisions. You really don't NEED this new guy at all (and he's really not that great of a guy if he's knowingly going down this path with you). You CAN control yourself and make better decisions. Take the emotions out of the equation and make decisions with your head.

 

In fact, every decision you make from here will either be a step towards digging you out of this rabbit hole or it will dig you further in. And your self-pride will take a hit every time you make a decision you're not proud of. Those looming potential consequences will get larger as well. Things can get out of control. But don't fool yourself; you are in control.

 

Here's the tough reality. You need to not only stop your affair but you also need to disclose it to your husband. If you want sex with a million men, you'll have every opportunity to do so AFTER you've filed for divorce. For now, you need to stick to those two logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices: either fix the marriage or leave it. But if you decide to try to fix the marriage, your husband also deserves the opportunity to make an informed decision about how to move forward with his own life. If you can commit to living an honest and authentic life, it's actually statistically probable that your husband will make an attempt at forgiveness. Perhaps even more importantly, if you make a voluntary disclosure and a commitment to living that honest and authentic life, you may actually deserve that forgiveness and be able to forgive yourself.

 

Now does this automatically solve your marital struggles? No. But you'd really be amazed at what a wake-up call an affair can be for a betrayed spouse. It's enormously damaging but it's also remarkable how many are ready to own their part of marital problems and finally make positive changes. Losing their spouse is no longer a hypothetical. In turn, you'll have to own your 50% of the marital problems as well as 100% of your decision to cheat. It's not easy (conventional wisdom says 2-5 years) but some couples do end up successfully reconciling and have better communication and a better partnership.

 

If that's not for you, then divorce him with some sense of integrity by owning your affair, giving him the truth and giving him an opportunity to find someone that will love him for who he is, low sex drive and all. And free yourself without continuing to act in a fashion that you can't defend.

[TX-SC]

Your post resonates with me. I have been married 20 years and we have sex about once per month. I am going through a rough time right now because of this, but my wife has a very low sex drive. I too considered cheating, but I know I won't/can't. I love her too much to do that to her and my kids. Plus, I could never lie to her like that. I even asked her once to just let me have a hall pass since she isn't interested. She said no. And, that's probably for the best.

 

I am working with her to try and get this problem figured out. But, it's been like this for a long time and very frustrating.

[Horton]

I'm on the fence about all of the divorce advice you're getting. I suppose it depends on where you get your values from. Are you a Christian? If so I couldn't in good conscience advise you to seek a divorce as you have no biblical grounds to divorce him and you would actually be committing a grievous sin by doing so.

 

Even if you're not a Christian I still think you may want to weigh your options real carefully and think about the consequences of jumping back into single life. If your husband is as good a man as you claim he is, it would be a shame to throw that away for some orgasms IMO.

[qubist]

no need to point out that what you are doing is wrong because you know it. I think you should just open up with your H ASAP, tell him everything, but be careful not to hurt his feelings. there will be many possibilities.

1- he probably knows about your A and loved enough to just swallow it up knowing your sexual demands that he can't match the fact that he allowas you to sleep over the OM house prove this come on. in this case it will be better for him too that you tell him the truth and who knows maybe he will be open to an open Relationship.

2-he doesn't know about A. as bad as this may sound but at the very end it will be good for both of you, if he decides to forgive and move on it will give him a reason to work more on his issues or he could just let you go he will be heartbroken yes but will move on with time

just be reminded that the worst case scenario is if he doesnt know about your A then he finds out about it from a different source that would just devastate him more that he would never be able to cope

[truncated]

Thank you for your response. Yes, I feel horrible for cheating. Even though it makes me feel good, it also breaks my heart that I am doing this to someone I love. And he is a great guy who really deserves better than this. I guess I need to make a choice.

 

If you won't do it for your husband, do it for yourself. Cheating will do nothing to help you solve your problems.

 

If i were in your shoes, I would have a very serious talk with your husband, and explain just how much all of this impacts you. No sparing his feelings or pulling any punches.

[Mr. Lucky]

I still love my husband, but I honestly do not believe that I will be ever sexually satisfied in this marriage.

My husband and I have no children due to fertility issues, so at least no children would get hurt. However, since my husband is so much older than I, I am worried that when I leave him, he won't find another woman to have children with. I would hate to take that chance from him. As I said he is a great guy and I really love him as a person.

 

Your affair and the sexual issues in your marriage are two separate issues. If, as you say, you're not a cheater then don't think like one. Stop with the "I did it because...".

 

I talked to my husband. For years. Many times. In tears. I even told him that I could not live like this and that I will eventually cheat/divorce. That I do not want to cheat/divorce but that this might be one outcome. I know how horrible it is to cheat. I am not a cheater. I never wanted to cheat and I never did this before. But I feel like I also cannot give up my sex life forever. I asked my husband to go to sex therapy, he thought it was too expensive.

 

One of two things is true regarding your husband and sex with you:

 

1). He can't

2). He doesn't want to

 

Does it matter to you which one it is? Seems pretty clear you need to go NC with your AP, plan a dignified exit from your marriage and get your life to a point where you can be healthy and happy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SawtoothMars]

You knew this would be a problem going into the marriage. You married him anyway. No! I don't sympathize with your situation. Nor do I understand why you didn't just file for divorce when you KNEW things were not going to change.

 

Want to know what I think? I think you are still with your husband for $$$. You are taking financial advantage of his love.

[AlwaysGrowing]

OP, as you already are fully aware of...men who have ED/sexual issues due to medical reasons/age are not very good with confronting it head on.

 

For many men....what starts out as ED/medical issue quickly becomes a mental block as well. Which is generally more difficult to treat. Men are that attached to their little guy...that a failure there...hits them at their most vulnerable inner core....BEING A MAN.

 

Most men will then remove any thing that is sexual at all...to prevent another blow to their sense of self.

 

It is difficult on both parties...the biggest difference...is that you were able to get a quick fix.....problem solved. His is not. It is now even greater.

 

Imagine how daunting a task it is for your husband to know he is the issue...not you...and whatever/whenever he has tried...he has disappointed you. Each time more devastating to his core, building a higher wall to go over, for each subsequence encounter.

 

Are you at the point of being done? Or would you still be willing to work with him on this issue?