Ex gf left for another guy and now we are talking again

August 24, 2015

Hey everyone,

this forum has been a big support for me over the last few months which is why I am posting here. I went through a tough break up and I am still dealing with the after-effects.

By way of background, my ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together for years, were extremely close and we were best friends. That being said, things weren't perfect. There were times before when the relationship was on edge.

Here is a short account of what happened: We were long distance for a few months during which time she more or less suddenly (though as I say above, there were some problems before) decided she wanted to break up with me and developed feelings for and slept with someone else. So she broke up with me, I was devastated, went NC and had just started to feel a bit better after a few months. Then, a few weeks ago we started talking again. Turns out her fling with the new guy didn't go so well for her.

I was and am extremely hurt but despite everything that happened, she is a very important person in my life. I enjoy talking to her and I still somehow have hopes even though I know that if we were to try it would be extremely hard after what happened. On the other hand I am not 100% sure about her motives for contacting me again. She is not a player or some kind of manipulative piece of work but I am wary of being a fall back option. And I am thinking about this too much. Way too much, to the point where it is affecting my work.

Essentially I am confused about whether I should keep talking to her because I kind of enjoy it or just go back to NC because maybe that will help me get over the whole thing (even though going back to NC would be very hard for me)?

Would be interested to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation or what people think about the value of staying in touch in these circumstances.

August 24, 2015

Hey everyone,

this forum has been a big support for me over the last few months which is why I am posting here. I went through a tough break up and I am still dealing with the after-effects.

By way of background, my ex and I were together for 5 years. We lived together for years, were extremely close and we were best friends. That being said, things weren't perfect. There were times before when the relationship was on edge.

Here is a short account of what happened: We were long distance for a few months during which time she more or less suddenly (though as I say above, there were some problems before) decided she wanted to break up with me and developed feelings for and slept with someone else. So she broke up with me, I was devastated, went NC and had just started to feel a bit better after a few months. Then, a few weeks ago we started talking again. Turns out her fling with the new guy didn't go so well for her.

I was and am extremely hurt but despite everything that happened, she is a very important person in my life. I enjoy talking to her and I still somehow have hopes even though I know that if we were to try it would be extremely hard after what happened. On the other hand I am not 100% sure about her motives for contacting me again. She is not a player or some kind of manipulative piece of work but I am wary of being a fall back option. And I am thinking about this too much. Way too much, to the point where it is affecting my work.

Essentially I am confused about whether I should keep talking to her because I kind of enjoy it or just go back to NC because maybe that will help me get over the whole thing (even though going back to NC would be very hard for me)?

Would be interested to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation or what people think about the value of staying in touch in these circumstances.

Well, first of all do not let her give you false hopes, I would not count on it, only the direct statement that she is sorry and wants you back, and would do anything you want her to do, is the message that means you can decide weather you can take her back or not... This person is important to you I understand, but if you really love her, at this point do not show it to her, answer her messages randomly with a big delay, 3 hours+, let her call you either do not answer or say I will call you back, and call her after 2 or 3 days, if she really wants you back she will go insane, and tries harder, if not you'd better keep your distance, you do not want to get hurt again, do you? and I wonder why you have not moved on yet! or have you? remember that the past is like pieces of mirror, if you try pick them up, you will end cutting yourself, if she wants to come back, let her pick up those pieces

August 24, 2015

Okay, not a lot of information to go off of. Tell me if I'm getting this right. You were together for 5 years. You guys get into a patch of arguing. And she decides to take a break.

You go long distance for a short period. And then, one day, she tells you that there's someone else, she slept with him and now she's going to put you in her rearview mirror. You go NC and start moving on with your life. Then, she gets back in touch with you and you discover that the guy she left you for didn't work out. Now, you two are talking. Is that about right?

Okay, let me shed some light on a couple of things for you. When you two were arguing, that was probably started by her. Like, you couldn't do anything right in her eyes. This is when she started to talk to this other dude. It was a way to ease her guilt for what she was doing. Justifying

what she was doing in her head thinking it was okay, "Because you were being such a douche rocket". She leaves you to go sleep with this guy. And once she does this, she kicks you to the curb.

But, it turns out that new guy that she was sleeping with wasn't her Knight in Shining Armor. So, she makes contact with you again. Probably threw you a breadcrumb and you ate that crap all up. She's trying to retreat to a place that is safe and secure, and she found that in you for the last 5 years.

Dude, you are not her back up plan. You are not her consolation prize and you deserve better than to be her second best option.

Go back to NC. She made her choice when she cheated on you and slept with anther dude.

August 24, 2015

Tell her that because of what happened in the past, you can't trust her any more, you've given it a thought, and you decided to stop communicating her. And go NC, for your best interest.

The "For your best interest" is the most important phrase in your message to her.

August 25, 2015

Thanks for your responses.

To clarify a couple of points:

- She didn't really cheat - we had broken up before but were still talking about maybe trying again. But things were definitely unclear and the Story as a total surprise because we were still talking. She says she would have left anyway but I think he was the immediate trigger.

- She says she is sorry for the way she behaved but she did have feelings for that other guy and wanted it to work out.

- She doesn't say she wants to get back together and she doesn't want to go back to how things were because - and I agree with her - there were a lot of issues with our past relationship that we never resolved. She doesn't seem uninterested in getting back into a functioning relationship with me at some point but doesn't know what she wants (and tbh neither do I).

If she didn't hold a special place in my life I wouldn't even think about it and would just stop talking to her. But somehow talking to her feels important to me. Part of me wants to cut off contact but part of me also enjoys being in touch. I'm just worried that I am enjoying it for the wrong reasons and that I am subconsciously (or not so subconsciously) clutching at straws.

August 25, 2015

Why on earth would you ever want to talk to someone who disrespects you and goes off with another guy? Where is your self respect man??

August 25, 2015

Why on earth would you ever want to talk to someone who disrespects you and goes off with another guy? Where is your self respect man??

I know but she is an important part of my life. I don't really want to cut all ties even though, as I said, part of me feels like I should. The problem is we were each others best friends too. I know she should have thought about that before but I guess the reason I don't want to cut contact again is that I missed her not just as my girlfriend but as my best friend too. The problem with this is that I cannot keep the two things apart and the whole Story is constantly on my mind when I should really be moving on.

August 25, 2015

I know but she is an important part of my life. I don't really want to cut all ties even though, as I said, part of me feels like I should. The problem is we were each others best friends too. I know she should have thought about that before but I guess the reason I don't want to cut contact again is that I missed her not just as my girlfriend but as my best friend too. The problem with this is that I cannot keep the two things apart and the whole Story is constantly on my mind when I should really be moving on.

She wasn't your best friend. If she was, she wouldn't of kicked you to the curb for another person. Answer me this too. Did you hear from her at all when she was getting her brains screwed in by the new guy? I'm guessing no, she only reached out to you when that didn't work out. So typical of a dumper. They fall back to the dumpee for some attention and ego enhancement.

You would of felt much better about yourself had you ignored her when she came back for some attention from you. I'd do that now. Let her know you can't continue to engage w/her as you want to further heal an move forward w/out any kind of R/S with some who kicked you to the curb to go screw some new guy.

August 25, 2015

The problem is we were each others best friends too.

WERE

If my best friend treated me like that they would be smoke in my rear-view mirror faster than they could say "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Best friends do not do that to each other.

This friendship is decidedly one-sided.

The problem with this is that I cannot keep the two things apart and the whole Story is constantly on my mind when I should really be moving on.

Couldn't have said it better myself. So, the solution... you already know.

August 25, 2015

One thing is for certain here - she didn't respect you in the past and she sure as hell won't respect you if you take her back. She broke up with you before, and after she is done using you to help herself feel better, she will disappear and you will be sitting around wondering "what happened".

She slept with the other guy, she tried to get him to commit, he didn't commit now she is coming back to you as the back up plan until she finds someone new. What do you think is going to happen if this guy comes back to her and wants to commit? Do you think she'd stay with you or jump ship again?

Want to know how I know this? Because everything you wrote screams you're scared to walk away. This means you're not confident to walk away from someone who is clearly wasting your time when you should be out there meeting new girls. This means she believes she can walk all over you - she knows that tomorrow if she called you and said "let's be together again" you'd do it. Tell me, what about this is even remotely attractive to a girl? If it was me, I wouldn't give the girl the time of day - she'd have to go above and beyond to get me to even consider talking to her again.

Her feelings have not changed towards you (she broke up with you for her own reasons) and she most likely checked out of your relationship long before pulling the plug. This means she has built up months of material to help convince herself that she is making the right decision. If anything, every text, phone call and moment you speak to her, the further she is moving away / less interested she is becoming. Her interest peaked once you disappeared but now that she is having the ability to speak to you often, it is making her slowly release that maybe things aren't as different.

C'mon man, you know your gut is screaming that you are being used and played here. She leaves you for another guy, other guy doesn't pan out as expected / she is feeling guilty, she reaches out and magically you think that she's going to be "in love" with you again?

You are way better than this bro. Don't even bother wasting your time - this girl is long gone. What is most important now is helping yourself feel better, not her.

She had her chance man. Don't look back and move forward.

August 25, 2015

Okay, here's where you're messing up. NC doesn't mean "forever". You do NC so you can heal and move on. Now, you can be friends with her again if you wish. But, only after ALL romantic feelings for her have gone and when you think of her, you feel nothing but indifferent towards her. ONLY then should you even entertain the idea of a friendship with her.

August 25, 2015

A woman will cheat on you for many reason, too many to attempt to list. But she will only leave you for another guy for one reason "she doesn't think your good enough for her" and no matter how the relationship with the other guy failed it doesn't change that fact.

It would be wise to go back to NC, her search for Mr. Right will continue if your with her or not, and your not him for her. I would bet this isn't the first time she has entertained other male interest, maybe not to this level but I bet there was texting and flirting, maybe you've even caught her or heard rumors.

Save yourself the pain, she is speical to you, to her you are a safe Mr. Right Now.

August 26, 2015

Right, I get it. I can't be talking to her right now for my own good, as hard as it is. It's wasting my time and keeping me from moving on. Also, if she really respected enough me she wouldn't have gotten in touch when she wasn't ready to unconditionally apologise. When we spoke a few weeks I thought that was the case. Now that I know that it was the new guy who didn't want to be with her, I'm not so sure anymore to put it mildly. It's not like she is evil - she is a total mess herself and she does still have feelings for me. But I'm not going to talk to her when she might really just be grieving the loss of her new guy.

The problem is we had a big talk which descended into mutual accusations and us being mean to each other. I regret that. I don't want to be mean to her or for our relations to descend to that level. After our talk yesterday she might have realised that talking isn't good for her either. So where do I go from here? Should I tell her I don't want to talk or should I just vanish and not contact her and/or respond to her again?

August 26, 2015

Don't say anything just vanish

August 26, 2015

If you just disappear then she'll probably get worried or send hundreds of messages asking where you've gone and why you're not replying.

I would tell her by e-mail/text that you need time to yourself to heal and move on from the relationship, and to protect your feelings you can't be friends or have any kind of contact with her. Then do not respond to any reply she makes. (That's why email/text is better, it can't turn into a conversation)

August 26, 2015

I also feel kind of bad about our talk. She was being nice but I brought up some uncomfortable topics and questions (all via email). She was pretty on edge by the end of it and didn't seem very well. I am actually a Little worried about her and I don't like to leave things on bad terms.

Would it be completely idiotic to send her a message to tell her that before I then drop off the radar (which I will do in any case).

August 26, 2015

I also feel kind of bad about our talk. She was being nice but I brought up some uncomfortable topics and questions (all via email). She was pretty on edge by the end of it and didn't seem very well. I am actually a Little worried about her and I don't like to leave things on bad terms.
Would it be completely idiotic to send her a message to tell her that before I then drop off the radar (which I will do in any case).

YOU do what you feel is best for YOU.

I think she has made it clear this re contact is NOT about getting back with you, so you have two choices.

1. You keep up NC as you are in no place emotionally to even speak to her.

2. You feel good in yourself and so maintaining contact is fine for you now, but I advise you to keep it light and act like a friend and not as a slighted lover. Going over old issues ad nauseum is not doing anyone any good, and what is the point, as you two are now OVER.

If you cannot be civil, then go NC.

August 26, 2015

Would it be completely idiotic to send her a message to tell her that before I then drop off the radar (which I will do in any case).

Yes it would.

If you send that kind of message she will reply, you will reply to her reply, etc.

You're not trying to start a conversation here, you're trying to cut contact.

August 26, 2015

YOU do what you feel is best for YOU.

I think she has made it clear this re contact is NOT about getting back with you, so you have two choices.
1. You keep up NC as you are in no place emotionally to even speak to her.
2. You feel good in yourself and so maintaining contact is fine for you now, but I advise you to keep it light and act like a friend and not as a slighted lover. Going over old issues ad nauseum is not doing anyone any good, and what is the point, as you two are now OVER.
If you cannot be civil, then go NC.

No she says "for now" she just wants to talk or be friends. She says she still has feelings for me, she still talks about getting back together at some point and we kissed a couple of weeks back. So its all pretty confusing. For now though I think the idea should be to move on.

I don't go crazy just because I talk to her but I definitely still have feelings for her and the idea of her with someone else freaks me out. So while I think I can "handle" contact with her it will either lead me to at some Point obsess about her and what she is doing or just create false hopes for me. I'd like to talk to her but I can't.

Also she is constantly saying that she always wanted to stay in touch with me and she always wanted contact with me. Which is true because she even got in touch when her fling wasn't over yet. But how can she expect that I want to talk to her? She has somehow managed to blame the fact that we no longer talk on me. But what Person in their right mind would expect their Partner to Keep talking to them after they did that?

Edit:

And the whole thing is particularly annoying because this is a bit of a relapse. I had already started to get used to the idea that it was over for good. Then she said things which made me believe that she had realised that I am more important and now I realise that the reason she isn't with that guy anymore is the he didn't want her not the other way around.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Nowhereinparticular

August 26, 2015

No she says "for now" she just wants to talk or be friends. She says she still has feelings for me, she still talks about getting back together at some point and we kissed a couple of weeks back. So its all pretty confusing. For now though I think the idea should be to move on.

I don't go crazy just because I talk to her but I definitely still have feelings for her and the idea of her with someone else freaks me out. So while I think I can "handle" contact with her it will either lead me to at some Point obsess about her and what she is doing or just create false hopes for me. I'd like to talk to her but I can't.

Also she is constantly saying that she always wanted to stay in touch with me and she always wanted contact with me. Which is true because she even got in touch when her fling wasn't over yet. But how can she expect that I want to talk to her? She has somehow managed to blame the fact that we no longer talk on me. But what Person in their right mind would expect their Partner to Keep talking to them after they did that?

Edit:
And the whole thing is particularly annoying because this is a bit of a relapse. I had already started to get used to the idea that it was over for good. Then she said things which made me believe that she had realised that I am more important and now I realise that the reason she isn't with that guy anymore is the he didn't want her not the other way around.

You're beating this to death and asking the same questions over and over and over.. LISTEN to the good advice given to you. Send her a FINAL email and let her know you are not going to engage with her further. Then STOP replying to any contact so YOU can move on from her.

August 26, 2015

No she says "for now" she just wants to talk or be friends. She says she still has feelings for me, she still talks about getting back together at some point and we kissed a couple of weeks back. So its all pretty confusing. For now though I think the idea should be to move on.

Nothing confusing at all. I can break it all down to you from just this one paragraph. She says she still has feelings for you. Just not enough to want you back. She just wants to be friends. Thus, keeping you in a holding pattern and filled with false hope that she'll come back to you. And, most importantly, talks about getting back together AT SOME POINT! Meaning, that if everything else doesn't pan out and all other options have been exhausted, THEN she'll consider coming back to you.

Now, my question to you is, do you see yourself as a consolation prize? A person that someone settled for? Dude, you deserve better than that!

August 27, 2015

You're beating this to death and asking the same questions over and over and over.. LISTEN to the good advice given to you. Send her a FINAL email and let her know you are not going to engage with her further. Then STOP replying to any contact so YOU can move on from her.

You are right, I am beating it to death. I will do that.

So I've read a few of your posts on here and I have to say I really like your attitude. My break up is around 5 months ago and I've been with a few other girls in the meantime (not enjoyed it very much though), have gone out with friends a lot, have tried to come to terms with everything. So I've not been sitting around wallowing in self-pity (though I have done that too).

But somehow I find it really hard to stop thinking about the whole thing, ruminating about why it happened, beating myself up about mistakes I made and getting really angry with her. And what I find hardest is to let go of the thought of getting back together at some point.

You seem to have managed that quite well. Any tips on how you did it? Would be much appreciated .

August 27, 2015

Keeping busy, and time. A 5 year relationship takes a long time to get over.

NC definitely helps.

Self improvement.

Lose some weight, gain some muscle.

Get some new hobbies and interests.

Make a positive decision not to date other women for now.

Do all the things you've always wanted to do. I took up skiing, playing piano and hiked to Everest Base Camp! Highly recommended!

August 27, 2015

I'm sure she knows just what she wants from you. How much did she contact you when she was with the other guy? Tell her that she has to articulate what she wants from you, or further communication between you two has to stop.

August 27, 2015

I'm sure she knows just what she wants from you. How much did she contact you when she was with the other guy? Tell her that she has to articulate what she wants from you, or further communication between you two has to stop.

Thats exactly what I told her last time we spoke but she couldn't tell me.

When I moved out she told me she doesn't want a relationship with anyone and the she just wants to be alone one day and the next she said she fell in love with the guy and that she wants to try how things go with him. Then one day she said she only slept with him because she was so angry with me (for some things that went wrong in our relationship before) and the next day it was because she was in love with him. I think she doesn't know what she wants and is totally confused herself.

We kissed a few weeks back and things got a bit flirty but now she says she just wants to talk and be friends and that she doesn't want to be together. At the same time she says she still has feelings for me. It changes all the time.

And she did also get in touch when she was with that guy.

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Ex gf left for another guy and now we are talking again

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