I am the worst girlfriend ever, and I cannot get over it.

[realmly]

I am such a mess right now. I can barely sleep, eat, function, and I hate my own existence. And I apologize for the long post in advance.

 

 

I was with my first ex for 3 years – he was also my first ever relationship. We met when I was 18 and things ended when I was 21. The ultimate reason why I had to end things with him was because my parents did not approve of him, and didn’t think I should have settled as quickly as I did. I’ve always been incapable of making my own decisions, and have heavily relied on my parents’ opinion on things – be that my major at university, or a potential spouse. As a result, since I knew that my parents would never approve of him, I thought it was best to break up instead of stringing him along. So, we broke up and I told him exactly why. Nonetheless, he insisted on being friends, and seeing that he was so hurt by my decision, I also agreed to be friends. We maintained our friendship for a few months, but shortly thereafter I met someone else who asked me out. In hopes that the new relationship would also help me get over my ex (stupid, I know), I got into the new relationship. Immediately, I told my bf at the time that I was on good terms with my ex, and why we had broken up. My bf at the time (now my ex #2) seemed to be okay with this, and in fact told me that ‘it was perfectly fine for us to be on friendly terms with our exes.’ After hearing this, I assumed he was also on friendly terms with an ex, but he never made it clear as to whether he was or not, and who this ex was. But I didn’t think much of this.

 

 

As time went on, I noticed that my bf at the time told me how he was going to go birthday shopping for one of his friends, and he was thinking of buying her expensive jewelry. This weirded me out, so I brought this to my bf’s attention – to which he responded by saying that, he used to be really close to her, but they didn’t hang out much now, and decided not to buy her the jewelry anymore. I understood. I then found out that my bf went to downtown with her, they ate out and went shopping. I asked him who she was, and why they were hanging out one-on-one this way, and he told me she was merely a co-worker. But my instincts were telling me something else. I asked a mutual friend about this ‘co-worker’, and she told me to ask my bf AGAIN about her because he wasn’t being completely honest. So I asked him again, and this time he told me she was his ex-gf, but because what they had wasn’t ‘serious’ he didn’t feel the need to tell me about their relationship. I found this odd, but continued the relationship. Overtime, I felt my bf was still being shady about this girl. He told me how when he told her about our relationship, she got all mad and how she had been acting moody with him ever since she found out about me. But he assured me that he would always defend me whenever she’d talk smack about me. All of a sudden, she had also become highly prominent on his Facebook. She seemed to be non-existent before she was aware of my relationship with him, but now she was commenting everywhere on his page making it quite clear that she was there. All this continued for about 5-6 months, until I had enough and told her it was either me or her. I could not put up with all this stress anymore. I was upset that, although I was only friendly terms with my ex as well – I never crossed any boundaries by hanging out with him, AND I made my relationship with him quite clear from the get-go. My ex and I also cut off our friendship soon after I got into my new relationship anyway.

 

 

Anyway, my bf did eventually cut off his ex, but I seemed to never be able to get over the paranoia. To redeem himself, my bf started love-bombing me like never before. He suddenly became so committed, and for once in the relationship I finally felt like I had nothing to be stressed about. He was showering me with so much attention, affection, and gifts. I was finally starting to get over all the confusion (a year later), when suddenly my bf told me he felt guilty about something, and I deserved to know the truth. My bf told me that during the time he was spending time with his ‘friend’ they also went to watch a movie together alone. I lost it at that point because I felt like everything that I had been feeling for such a long time finally became clear. He insisted that the movie was completely innocent and not a date, but I couldn’t get over it. How was going to the movies with an ex not a date? And if it wasn’t a date, why wouldn’t he have been open about it, and why was he telling me all this a year later? I eventually forgave him for it, but things between us never got better. We were constantly fighting, and at this point my bf was blaming me for not being affectionate, for not being passionate about him or the relationship.

 

 

I agree my flame died a little over feeling this sense of betrayal due to all this drama with his ex, but I tried to do whatever I could to keep the relationship going. My bf was now also picking fights about my ex, and how I was being a hypocrite for also being friendly with him. Over-all things were a huge mess, and I had fallen into a deep depression, and my bf at the time became more and more rude during arguments. There was more yelling than ever, insults, and I began to feel like a horrible person. Our fights got worse, and eventually he broke up with me and blamed everything on me. Told me it was all my fault, how I never cared for him, how I never deserved his ‘love-bombing’ and basically made me feel like I had messed up this entire relationship.

 

 

Anyway, now I can’t help but hate myself and self-loathe. I feel like I messed up my first two ever relationships. I’m constantly feeling like my own existence is such a burden. I feel like I’m sick and incapable of maintaining any sort of relationships, I don’t know what to do with myself. The guilt is so so so so bad, I cannot concentrate at work or at home. I’m constantly analyzing the relationships, my faults, my failures. 

[PaperCrane]

Oh gosh you're so young you shouldn't feel this way.

 

The first one was well...you're an adult now. If you wanted to continue the relationship that was your choice not your parents. It was a get out free card and your ex seems like he took it graciously and even handled the afterwards very very well. That was a mistake, yes, however the chances of that being a forever thing was tiny at best. Not very reassuring, I know.

 

You sound like you did everything right in #2 though, you just found someone untrustworthy. He disrespected you and you did the right thing. He was NOT long term potential.

 

Right now take time to just live. You don't need a relationship to do that. You stated that you have a hard time making your own decisions. Once a week I'd like you to try and decide on something new to try and do. It can be anything. Just go and make the decision though and follow through. It's empowering and let's you know that you do indeed have control over things.

 

You seem like a very nice and well meaning person, don't let this get you down.

 

You can also try what I sometimes do. Log in here and use this thread as your journal. Just kind of pour out what you're doing to improve and how you're feeling. The cool part is that this journal may actually converse back with you. There are a couple resident posters here who are very helpful and I'm sure they'll visit this thread sooner or later.

[realmly]

Oh gosh you're so young you shouldn't feel this way.

 

The first one was well...you're an adult now. If you wanted to continue the relationship that was your choice not your parents. It was a get out free card and your ex seems like he took it graciously and even handled the afterwards very very well. That was a mistake, yes, however the chances of that being a forever thing was tiny at best. Not very reassuring, I know.

 

You sound like you did everything right in #2 though, you just found someone untrustworthy. He disrespected you and you did the right thing. He was NOT long term potential.

 

Right now take time to just live. You don't need a relationship to do that. You stated that you have a hard time making your own decisions. Once a week I'd like you to try and decide on something new to try and do. It can be anything. Just go and make the decision though and follow through. It's empowering and let's you know that you do indeed have control over things.

 

You seem like a very nice and well meaning person, don't let this get you down.

 

You can also try what I sometimes do. Log in here and use this thread as your journal. Just kind of pour out what you're doing to improve and how you're feeling. The cool part is that this journal may actually converse back with you. There are a couple resident posters here who are very helpful and I'm sure they'll visit this thread sooner or later.

 

Hi there,

 

 

Thank you so much for your response. I've just been feeling like I've made tons of mistakes, and like I've lost the love of my life or something with ex #2. I know that sounds a little dramatic for my age (I'm only 23 at the moment) but I can't help but feel that I'm entirely responsible for failing at that relationship, and it feels like I'll never be worthy of finding another good relationship.

 

 

I also feel bad for not being able to be as 'passionate' as he was about the relationship... but it was solely because I was so stressed during the first half of the relationship. I'm not sure. All I know is that I feel very bad.

 

 

I already took the initiative to apologize to ex#1 and he's been very nice about everything. Unlike ex#2 who made me feel terrible about all my actions.

 

 

I definitely need to work on being able to make more decisions... I will take your advice and try something new.

 

 

Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate your insight <3

[PaperCrane]

You feel that way about #2 because there's that bitter aftertaste. As bad as it is, the things that go wrong sometimes add flavor to a relationship. You're left wanting to revisit it so that you can fix it, or do something. That's very human and very normal. It doesn't mean he was the love of your life however, just that the impact left on you feels very deep because of how much of yourself you invested with so little return.

 

You didn't add as much passion because there was none to give. When someone does what he did to you, it's normal to lose that spark. He becomes something other than what he presented to you.

 

Best of luck.

[Karen855]

Hi, I can relate to how your feeling. You feel the breakdown of the relationship was because of YOU. It's not the case. He is manipulating you to justify WHY the relationship is over to make himself feel better, by making you feel bad/guilty.

 

If he can allow himself to make you feel crap about yourself that shows you what a man he is.........

Edited August 24, 2015 by Karen855
Spelling

[mightycpa]

I feel like I messed up my first two ever relationships.

That's what the early relationships are for. When you learn to ride a bike, you fall of when you first start, and you from it so that later on, you won't fall off.

 

Same thing. Don't worry about it. Just learn, and live.