lostinlove31 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I’m feeling very stuck regarding a situation in my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years, and we live together. I’m 27 and he is 29. When we first got together, he was dealing with some legal trouble because he had sent to and solicited nude photos from a 16 year old online, who turned out to be a police officer. He was arrested when he turned up to meet her. This happened before we met, and when I found out, I was already in love with him. I had met his family and friends. He seemed like a normal guy who did something stupid because he was in a bad place in life. It bothered me, but I let it go, and the charges were eventually dropped. A couple of small things happened leading up to what I’m writing about. He tells other girls that they’re attractive online (girls he knows), he created a second Instagram account so he could see the photos of his ex (who blocked him years back) and then lied about it, and once, we were at a concert and someone he had once dated was there. He began to text her while we were all in the same room together. He also had a very flirtatious conversation with a younger girl he knows on Facebook, telling her multiple times how attractive he found her. It even seemed to make her uncomfortable. (Meanwhile, he was also planning to propose to me.) Most recently and most seriously, because my trust in him has been flagging (for the reasons listed above), I snooped into his e-mail (I admit that this was wrong). What I found was shocking—photos of three different women (all from the last 6 months), one of whom is his coworker. I also saw that he responded to a Craigslist casual encounters ad. He tells me that the coworker was aggressive, and that he did not solicit the photo. That this was a brief flirtation and nothing physical happened. Another was a girl he knew years ago, who apparently texted him out of the blue, and again, sent him two unsolicited nude photos. The third set of photos are from the Craigslist ad response, which he says he responded to ‘just to show off and feel attractive,’ that he, ‘wanted to know that he was still attractive.’ He says that he did not send any nude photos of himself. He also says that none of this means anything to him; it’s just masturbation material. Now, I respect a man’s right to look at porn, but when it crosses into interacting with real people—especially women that he knows, it hurts me. He also lied countless times when I confronted him about the photos. I had to repeatedly drill him with questions to get him to tell the truth (and I’m not even sure that I have the full truth). The other thing is, though we have fairly frequent, good sex, I don’t feel incredibly desired in this relationship, which isn’t as sexually charged as I’d like. (We are both young, attractive, fit people.) I am confident that he has not physically cheated on me. However, he has been dishonest, and I do feel that he has digitally cheated on me. He tells me that he is the happiest he has ever been, that he wants to marry me, that I’m his soul mate, that he can’t stand the thought of losing me. He says that he’s not bored, and that the thought of being bored hasn’t even crossed his mind. He says that he might have a problem with porn and intimacy, and that maybe he should see someone about it. He says that he will never do anything like this again. I am a very anxious person and I am obsessing over this and all of the details that I don’t know. I am very much in love with him and I want to forgive him, but I don’t know if I can get past this. Can I trust that he’s going to stop this and act in a manner that is more respectful of me and our relationship? Or will I always wonder if he’s just hiding it better? I let him know that the next time something like this comes up, I will leave. He seems to understand that, and says he wouldn’t blame me. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? Is this just a flirtation/porn thing? Or is it something more? Could it turn into physical cheating?
Grumpybutfun Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 All behaviors indicate if he has the opportunity to cheat, he will faster than you could sneeze at him. This guy is bad news...good men don't solicit sex from children. Sixteen is not an adult in developed, civilized countries. The mindset to want sex with a minor is disturbing. He wouldn't have a record if it was a healthy hook up. Move on, Grumps 6
Satu Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 There's nothing wrong with your reaction. He's creepy and weird. Eject. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 So you're asking if we should give you approval to be with a sex offender because you love him? Imagine you or a female family member being a young teen alone with him & then tell us how you feel about him. Healthy (age appropriate & consensual) porn is OK. Seeking sex from minors is very troubling. 1
Author lostinlove31 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) The legal trouble was a one-time, out of character thing. He hasn't done anything since that would lead me to believe that he is interested in minors (even his porn history is devoid of such things). I'm more concerned about the photos I found recently, all of which were age appropriate (the Craigslist woman was actually an older woman). Edited August 24, 2015 by lostinlove31
njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 How come women send him photos? Without him asking for it? He should have asked for these photos after a chat flirtation, sexting whatever, naked pics are just a help material for better sexting. "He also lied countless times when I confronted him about the photos. I had to repeatedly drill him with questions to get him to tell the truth" This is what worries me. If it was nothing to him, then why wouldn't he be open minded and straight about it and tell you right away? Why need to lie? Because he knows something is wrong with his behavior. Also I bet that what you know right now is just a tip of the iceberg, if he is prone to lying, then expect that he will hide as much info as possible and give you just as much as needed for you to shut up. This is how such people operate. I feel that you are quite incompatible in your understandings of how things should be in a relationship and in future it will grow into something worse rather then something better.
Quiet Storm Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Do not marry this guy. One woman's attention will never be enough. He's like a bucket with a hole- you can't fill it up. He admitted he needs outside validation to "see if he's still got it". A secure, emotionally available guy who is good husband material would not need another woman's admiration, attention, approval, etc. Men watch porn and I'm OK with that, but he goes a step further because he is seeking an interaction, a response. It's more than using porn as a tool to masturbate. He seeks the response because it's not about sexual release for him, it's about his ego and how the attention makes him feel. It's not just a matter of stopping the behavior, the underlying issues have to be addressed with therapy, IMO. Using the bucket analogy again, he can stop filling his bucket with attention from other women, but that's just going to leave an empty bucket. Without therapy and good coping skills, he'll probably just find another unhealthy or hurtful way to meet his needs. Please do not take it personally or feel that you aren't enough for him. This is his problem and he will do this no matter who he's with. It's not about you, the relationship or the other women- it's about him. He's not equipped to be a good husband to you and won't be until he takes this seriously and realizes his excessive need for validation is a problem. Also, the lies. Don't marry a guy you know is a liar. 1
warrenorabbits Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? Is this just a flirtation/porn thing? Or is it something more? Could it turn into physical cheating? The answers to these questions are: no, no, yes, and yes. I think you know in your thinking organ what you need to do even without asking for advice here, but let me share a few observations. (1) He clearly has a serious problem with sex, possibly an addiction, that needs to be taken care of before you two even consider going any further (not that I recommend doing so). By trading explicit photos online, he has already cheated on you, and the fact that he never continued in a physical way is irrelevant. Porn is a grey area but, as other posters have observed, interacting with other women crosses a clear boundary. (2) You are unhappy and you distrust him. Standing alone these are two GIGANTIC red flags. (3) If, prior to sending the photos, he knew that his actions were illegal, then that should tell you that he's willing to break the law to attain sexual gratification. Will he do something similar in the future? He may say no, but he's proven himself to be dishonest so I wouldn't take his word for it (that dishonesty is yet another red flag by the way). Keep in mind that, if he ever offends again, he could be required to register as a sex offender, especially since he was let off easy last time. Being married to a sex offender may severely limit your ability to interact with other people who have children. In other words, it'll change your life as well as his. I think it's obvious what my answer is. If he were 17 then I might respond differently, but he's a grown-up. Don't expect him to change. The only case where I'd even consider going further with him is if you can get him to commit to a couples' therapy program and make significant progress with his sex problems. If he won't do that for you, then the answer is clear -- as if it weren't already. 1
CarrieT Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You came here to ask questions because you were rightfully concerned about his behavior. You SHOULD be concerned about his behavior. He wouldn't be getting nude pictures from women if he weren't seeking them out and that is wholly inappropriate within the confines of your relationship. Please re-think marrying this guy. Despite his reassurances, this is not likely to stop and will probably lead to more questionable actions. 1
anduina Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Your boyfriend says one thing to you and then does something else when you're not around to see him acting shady. Don't marry a liar.
bachdude Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You are in complete denial, lostinlove31. All the signs are staring you right in the face and you can't even see them because you are in love with this guy. There is nothing but heartache for you if you marry him. 1
spiderowl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You seem to be asking if you can trust this guy. You obviously don't trust him. His tendency to flirt is 'leaking' into communications with other women. He also has a penchant for nude photos from women willing to send them. He might just be playing online, yes, but how is all this making you feel?
almond Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 This guy is a total slime ball! Seriously...staying with him and expecting him to remain faithful is incredibly foolish. You've already been betrayed multiple times, and he's not going to stop. You need to do some work on yourself, and figure out what it is in you that has allowed you to stay with someone that has repeatedly treated you like dirt. You don't need to live your life as a doormat, everyone deserves much better than this! He's disrespectful and selfish. He's a major sleaze. Staying with him will only cause you a world of pain. Run for the hills. 1
Author lostinlove31 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) So, I knew the porn site he likes, and he uses the same user name for everything, so I took a peek…it made me sick. He had multiple threads showing off the photos that he got from this nasty Craigslist woman (who he says is literally a hooker). He made up a story saying she was ‘his milf,’ that she had come into work, wanted him, and now they were ****ing. But, ‘the ****ty thing is I have a girlfriend, so no time to get together.’ All kinds of nasty things about her body, her perfect nipples, her ‘loose cunt and meat flaps.’ fisting her, etc. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I immediately told him it was over. But then he told me he just did it all for likes, for fun. He put the photos online for (other) perverts to look at. “Let’s see if any other young studs have photos of their milfs.” I don't know what to think of this. I'm thinking, I’ve been out of town a couple of times since he started talking to this woman. What if he really has ****ed her? What if he took some of these photos himself? He told me this was an hour long interaction in which he got a couple of photos and then stopped talking to her. Now, it turns out he asked her for more. He had at least 6 photos. Nasty photos. Apparently this is a real woman who lives in our area. This is bad enough. I don’t even think I care if he even touched someone else. This is disgusting and wrong and it’s BAD ENOUGH. How could I possibly marry this man now? How could I even want to have sex with this man again? I’m so disgusted and completely turned off. Edited August 25, 2015 by lostinlove31 1
understand50 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I need to? No it is a big deal, your line about porn, moving to real people is telling. Trust your gut. Is this just a flirtation/porn thing? Or is it something more? No, it is something more. He is moving into keeping things from you and has a past history of Kiddy, young porn use. Could it turn into physical cheating? Yes, very much so. At this point, I think you need to move on. This man will cause you nothing but trouble. Do not marry him. I wish you luck.
understand50 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So, I knew the porn site he likes, and he uses the same user name for everything, so I took a peek…it made me sick. He had multiple threads showing off the photos that he got from this nasty Craigslist woman (who he says is literally a hooker). He made up a story saying she was ‘his milf,’ that she had come into work, wanted him, and now they were ****ing. But, ‘the ****ty thing is I have a girlfriend, so no time to get together.’ All kinds of nasty things about her body, her perfect nipples, her ‘loose cunt and meat flaps.’ fisting her, etc. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I immediately told him it was over. But then he told me he just did it all for likes, for fun. He put the photos online for (other) perverts to look at. “Let’s see if any other young studs have photos of their milfs.” I don't know what to think of this. I'm thinking, I’ve been out of town a couple of times since he started talking to this woman. What if he really has ****ed her? What if he took some of these photos himself? He told me this was an hour long interaction in which he got a couple of photos and then stopped talking to her. Now, it turns out he asked her for more. He had at least 6 photos. Nasty photos. Apparently this is a real woman who lives in our area. This is bad enough. I don’t even think I care if he even touched someone else. This is disgusting and wrong and it’s BAD ENOUGH. How could I possibly marry this man now? How could I even want to have sex with this man again? I’m so disgusted and completely turned off. I am sorry this has happened, but it is better now, then later when you have small children to protect. Be strong, and get out of the relationship. You can do so much better then him. I wish you well.
CarrieT Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 How could I possibly marry this man now? How could I even want to have sex with this man again? I’m so disgusted and completely turned off. Good! Maintain that disgust all the way through leaving him and moving on to someone who deserves you. I'm sorry you had to go through this but thank your stars it happened before the marriage and children. Guys like this do not stop this sort of behavior! 1
warrenorabbits Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 But, ‘the ****ty thing is I have a girlfriend, so no time to get together.’ Holy ****! Uh, yeah, I think you know what to do from here. Tell this liar and pervert to get the **** out of your life and never so much as call you again. Best of luck and courage. (Aside -- why does the forum software block "****" and "****" but not "cunt"? Not that it's offensive, just a little odd ...)
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