Is he a slut? Are they all?

[scarlyjones]

Yeah,....I'd be willing to bet good money that it was just a classic case of "Guys, just being guys"

[magda]

blah blah blah, "bring on the bitches" might be a funny little joke, but it's pretty hard to believe he meant anything but "bring on the bitches." It's his hometown. He probably wants to see the girls he used to know.

[Lonestar]

Originally posted by la]ti[da

I just want to know he is not planning trips so he can get laid.

 

 

Are you too having anough good sex? If you are, he wouldn't need to get laid. I keep my man very happy to the point that if he ever went near another woman, she wouldn't even compare. He knows it and admits it already himself.

[latida]

I agree w/ scarly: If he cheats now, the sooner I find out the better. That is perfectly logical.

 

Problem: how will I know he is cheating when he is hundreds of miles away!!!!

 

Yes sex is good. No problems there. At least none I know of! But we are very open about that with eachother.

 

But Thanks everyone for sounding off, it really helps! Especially Monday! Very down to Earth and positive advice. But I am afraid it will eat at me. I guess will just have to wait until the cards fall before I can pick them up.

[candamar]

One point to consider - you say you snooped at his mails and found the one in question, well do you not normally tell each other when you chat to genuine friends, the content of the conversation etc etc?

 

The fact you discovered a secret mail from someone you don't know is suspicious enough in itself.

[FolderWife]

Originally posted by candamar

One point to consider - you say you snooped at his mails and found the one in question, well do you not normally tell each other when you chat to genuine friends, the content of the conversation etc etc?

 

The fact you discovered a secret mail from someone you don't know is suspicious enough in itself.

 

While I see your point, I'm not sure that I totally agree with it. My dummy (aka Husband) saw my aunt at the store a couple of months back, and he had all kinds of cakes and she was willing to donate them to charity, so he filled her car COMPLETELY with cakes...she only had room to sit...she didn't even have space for a jug of milk

 

Funny story.

 

My husband didn't tell me I found out about it from my aunt two months later!!!!

 

Yesterday, I was driving home and saw my best friend's husband. We pulled into a gas station and talked for a few minutes.

 

He didn't tell her she had to hear it from me this morning.

 

I don't think men understand the value of a conversation. I'll tell my husband about every little thing that I can remember throughout the day. If it's not important, he doesn't tell me about it

[candamar]

That as maybe, but aren't we referring to a mail from an (alleged) old friend who goes back years and lives miles away? Someone whom her boyfriend doesn't visit often? Someone whom she doesn't know?

 

If that's the honest truth then wouldn't you have thought he'd be excited and want to share it?

 

It's not quite as unimportant as bumping into your Aunt at the supermarket!

[FolderWife]

My aunt lives in another town.

[Mz. Pixie]

"Are you too having anough good sex? If you are, he wouldn't need to get laid. I keep my man very happy to the point that if he ever went near another woman, she wouldn't even compare. He knows it and admits it already himself"

 

This is what I practice myself

 

Seems to work for me.

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by candamar

That as maybe, but aren't we referring to a mail from an (alleged) old friend who goes back years and lives miles away? Someone whom her boyfriend doesn't visit often? Someone whom she doesn't know?

 

If that's the honest truth then wouldn't you have thought he'd be excited and want to share it?

 

Assuming that other people think about the world or value the same things you do is a sure fire way to have an unhappy/unfulfilling relationship. Different people place emphasis on different things. Most of the guys I know were uncommunicative, usually, and I come home and chatter on about all sorts of bizarre gossip from around town, and mostly my bf now and past bf's, and my exhusband, would sit there and smile pleasantly, listen to the gossip and have little or nothing to say.

 

Men just aren't jazzed about stuff like women are. I told everyone in the world when my bf and I got serious. I asked him and he said he told his best mate, his exgirlfriend, and his mum, and I said, what about the rest of your crew. He said, in his darling accent, "what the f*ck are ya talkin' aboot? My love life none of deir damn business."

[scarlyjones]

she didnt say it was from someone she didnt know OR that it was a "suspicious" e-mail. She said she read one of his e-mails. Thats it. And NO,....people generally dont run around showing eachother their personal e-mails simply because they are in love

[latida]

 

very funny

 

But wouldn't you be concerned if your girlfriend

 

a. fake invited you on a trip she already planned without talking with you

b. didn't even fake enthusiasm when you said you could go

c. e-mailed her girlfriend who she was visiting " bring on the studs"

 

 

just saying

 

I am concerned and have no idea what I am supposed to do.

 

F*ck L*ve

[blind_otter]

On an interesting side note RE: "bring on the bitches" -- I was out with friends last night and my buddy ran into an ex-girlfriend on his who was, to put it mildly, psycho ( sent him 20 text messages in one night, threatened to key his car, etc). He saw her walk in with her crew of female friends and said "Oh jesus, bring on the bitches"

 

Email is so hard to figure out. - no context or vocal intonation, and you don't know anything about the type of friendship he had. He could act completely different amongst his buds. IN any case, just FREAKING ASK HIM what the deal is.

[scarlyjones]

Very good example !!!! THATS what I was saying earlier. Its very hard to gauge on IM or email what people really mean due to lack of TONE OF VOICE. ITs hard. Also,..everyone, in describing if they find someone attractive, at some point has said "I'd do him" or "I'd do her", WHILE THEY WERE SEEING SOMEONE. Its an expression. I say let it go. He hasnt done anything wrong yet. Here you are condemning him for something you THINK HE MIGHT DO. Have you ever considered that he doesnt want you to go BECAUSE he wants to hang with his buddies. Boys Night Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DeaconFrost]

How about taking a guys input...

 

I'd say the likelihood that he is cheating is slim to none. Let me ask you a few simple questions:

 

1. When was the last time that he visited his home town?

 

2. Have you been arguing or has sex not been the best lately?

 

3. Would you suspect him of cheating before he decided to take this trip?

 

If he hasn't been back home in quite some time then what are the odds that he's actually going to hook up with some chick? I don't know too many people that can just waltz into town and hook up with a person unless they have been talking/communicating for quite some time prior. Last I checked, most women liked to be primed before they get in the sack...especially if they have lost contact or haven't seen that person for a while.

 

If you've been battling or he's not getting any than there certainly is a possibility for cheating. Do you feel you are giving him a reason to cheat? If things are great then just RELAX...You know how guys are always saying they hate drama? Well for most of us who have a conscience, cheating is a stressful operation to be dealing with. Even though we're gettin' some new tail it's still drama when your in a serious relationship. If things are great and he hasn't been acting strange before the mentioning of the trip then don't worry about it.

 

Like I said earlier if things were strange before the trip was planned or conceived then you might have something to worry about. If you wouldn't suspect him of cheating in the area you live in now, then why would you all of a sudden think he is going to travel thousands of miles away from you to spend money and be decietful? Blah...I highly doubt he'd fly all the way home to get a piece of a**, especially since it sounds like he doesn't have a lot of money right now ("he can't afford to pay for you").

 

And for the record I have said something similar to "bring on the bitches." I said it because of the context of the situation. It was guys night and we were going out to cause some trouble. Would we talk to other women? Hell yes! Would I have cheated on my girl? Hell no! As much as I would like to pretend in the context of others, I could never go through with it. In my experience, those who decided to cheat also decided that the relationship was on its way out well before they ever went through with the deed.

 

Consider it just a night away from you and a night to hang with the guys. And yes, its refreshing to have women (particularly attractive ones) to look at when your off on your own. Its natural to take a break and do a bit of window shopping. Its a break from the norm. But it (for the most part ) is harmless. It's like going to the auto show...you get to see some shiny new cars that look oh so pretty in the light, but you know damn well you aren't going to get another car. Your just going to go home, pull out the soap and water and make you car look even better. Why? Because your already ass deep in payments and the last thing you want to do is let it go by the wayside. Plus, how practical is a Ferrari in the winter? The car you got is working out pretty well for ya....

 

You get my point?

[latida]

Originally posted by DeaconFrost

 

 

Consider it just a night away from you and a night to hang with the guys. And yes, its refreshing to have women (particularly attractive ones) to look at when your off on your own.

 

You get my point?

 

 

FYI though it is for a week, not just "a night to hang with the guys"

 

But I feel what you are saying, and it helps. Thanks for your post. I do trust him and didn't think he would cheat. Everything between us is great. .....famous last words though?

 

Another thing I didn't mention, a recent revelation, the ex is there and so I asked him if she was single/interested. He said no, she was dating someone else and that he hadn't talked to her nor did he intend to specifically see her. Well her "boyfriend" is a married man in an open relationship. And then I saw his e-mail (yeah I'm a nosy b&tch) which he sent her letting her know when he would be in town, if she had any upcoming shows at that time and that he would love to attend. And yes this time I was honest and said I had seen the e-mail and what was up. He said (all the right things again) that he was just seeing if she had any shows, it was nothing like that and I was being silly, etc. But he lied about his intentions. He lied. I know it "could be innocent" etc. But I am just not sure, I am not secure about this trip. Possibly nothing would make me be at this point.

[DeaconFrost]

Ok, this new information does change the dynamic a bit. Now I myself am getting a bit curious (not skeptical) about intent here. I have never seen the value of contacting ex's when your in a committed relationship, especially if you haven't talked to them in a while. It just trumps up emotions and thoughts that are better left subdued and tucked away. In any event I think I'd be curious too. Have you actually sat down with him and communicated how all this is truly making you feel? Have you told him that you have wavering trust for him? Maybe you two should do a little talking and explore why it is that you don't feel comfortable with him leaving on this trip.

 

It has become obvious that he wants this trip to be a break from the norm and a sort of ritual reconnection with his past. That's completely cool...we all need that. But I think at the same time you have a right to communicate with him directly what is making you feel unsure. If he is true in his heart than he won't have any problems discussing it with you. You probably both need it. It'll be good for the relationship. It'll also ease your mind and quell your fear.

 

As a side note, maybe you should chill on the snooping around if it is a habit of yours. Its not cool. It'll only get you worked up. But, I understand the circumstances. Environment certainly dictates behavior.

[scarlyjones]

Now Im questioning the posters intent. Why would you wait until NOW to supply THAT part of the story. Which, may I add,..is a very important piece? If you dont trust this guy,..then tell him its over. How can you be in a relationship if you feel you need to sneak around and spy and snoop just to keep yourself feeling OKAY.????? If you dont find any damning evidence, eventually he is going to get sick of you spying.

[blind_otter]

Woah, you didn't mention that he had been communicating with his ex. This changes everything....I would be suspicious as well.

[latida]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

Now I'm questioning the posters intent. Why would you wait until NOW to supply THAT part of the story. Which, may I add,..is a very important piece? If you don't trust this guy,..then tell him its over. How can you be in a relationship if you feel you need to sneak around and spy and snoop just to keep yourself feeling OKAY.????? If you don't find any damning evidence, eventually he is going to get sick of you spying.

 

 

It just happened. New development. First he said he wasn't contacting her, then last week I saw he had.

 

And I don't snoop to keep myself feeling ok, I am just nosy. I have a problem with that whether it is boyfriend, friend or co-worker. I like to know people's secrets. I find it really can be the complete opposite of the person and it intrigues me into trouble.

 

But you have a very good point. If I had never nosed around his private communications I wouldn't have a thing to worry about. But I have and it has shed some light on what seemed like an innocent trip. He still says it is innocent, I want to believe him and most of me does. I am just jaded I guess.

[FolderWife]

did you ever ONCE stop to think that he OBVIOUSLY KNOWS that you are a snoop...and that just maybe he's planting this stuff so you'll stumble across it and it'll drive you nuts, just to 'punish' you for being so freakin nosey?

 

Look what I did...my husband had hid porn our entire marriage. I finally just gave him my blessing to have it.

 

but.....hee hee

 

I bought a little vibrator and hid it in the piano bench. He'll stumble across it eventually...when he's looking for batteries. But he might think I've forgot about it (and I pretty much have) but he'll wonder...won't he

 

And I got out my old playgirl mags and hid them under the towels in my bathroom...hee hee He'll see them one day when he goes for a towel...and he'll wonder why they are in my bathroom

 

And I caught him (this is so weird...I always freaking catch him...even when I don't freaking want to) using MY DVD player to watch his porn on. It's not bad enough he watches it, he has to do it on MY TV!!!!

 

How did I find out? Well, my vcr is set to record every day at 5p.m. That's when my favorite soap opera comes on every day. So...he's watching porn sometime around 5, and my vcr records some of it

 

So....I stuck one of my pornos (that I never watch) in the DVD player. Now, when he goes to watch a porno on my DVD player, he'll find MY porn....and he'll wooooooooooooooooooooooonder

 

See...he may not even care. But he might. I would like him to know how it feels to have your spouse sneaking and hiding things from you, and then not being up for sex when you are, and then finding porn everywhere!

 

good grief

 

So....this may be his payback to you for not trusting him.

 

Or maybe, he got so sick of you snooping and not trusting him, that he FINALLY decided that since you are going to accuse him any way, he might as well do it

[Arianahatz]

If you can't trust him and your gut feeling thinks he's up to no good, I would go cool with him or end it for good. I went through that phase once, 1 if you feel suspicious do check his emails/stuff.. You have a right to know what is going on.. I found emails sent to other women, when he was on dating sites behind my back.. I lost trust totally.. U need to know... if he's messing about.

[st8toftheheart]

I wonder what you would have done if he actually had said "Oh great, I'm glad you could find away, we're going to have loads of fun." Then what would you have done, confess that you actually can't go and that it was a test for him, or would you have said another lie, that something came up and can't go.

 

Not a good way to run a relationship.

 

So I think you're headed down and ugly path.

[latida]

Yeah, I know it was not the best idea.

 

But it worked.

 

Deep down I knew how he would react. Otherwise there would have been no reason to pull the stunt I did in the first place. And it wasn't a complete lie. I could still go. I would just be foolish to waste my money on it since I am broke. It was just something I had to know. If I said I could go what would he say. It was KILLING me to know. Now it seems my suspicions were confirmed.