Clarkwg Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Iv read advice on here about people need to work on themselves after a bad relationship or heartbreaking split or people who lack confidence, self esteem & self respect etc etc But what does it actually mean to "work on yourself" & how do you do this? 1
gls081209 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Well, the first way to "work on yourself" is to do some self reflection be able to look at yourself objectively and identify what you'd like to make better about your life. You'd be very naive to think there is nothing you want to make better. What went wrong in your relationship? Did your ex get repeatedly angry at you for anything specific? Nobody is perfect and everyone needs to work on something (anger issues, jealousy, clingy, communication, career goals, partying too much, being healthy, etc.) Is there some goal you wish to achieve? Regardless of those on here who were blindsided by the breakup (and I am one of those people), I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. I'm still reflecting on my relationship. Even if I "didn't do anything wrong," I still turned a blind face to some of my issues in the relationship. I've have to learn to address those issues when I see them immediately rather than let it go. Self reflection and working on ourselves is always an ongoing project whether you're in a relationship or not. Sometimes we forget that once we get in relationships and focus our attention on other people rather than ourselves. Does that make sense? 4
Satu Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Well, the first way to "work on yourself" is to do some self reflection be able to look at yourself objectively and identify what you'd like to make better about your life. You'd be very naive to think there is nothing you want to make better. What went wrong in your relationship? Did your ex get repeatedly angry at you for anything specific? Nobody is perfect and everyone needs to work on something (anger issues, jealousy, clingy, communication, career goals, partying too much, being healthy, etc.) Is there some goal you wish to achieve? Regardless of those on here who were blindsided by the breakup (and I am one of those people), I do think it takes two people to make a relationship work. I'm still reflecting on my relationship. Even if I "didn't do anything wrong," I still turned a blind face to some of my issues in the relationship. I've have to learn to address those issues when I see them immediately rather than let it go. Self reflection and working on ourselves is always an ongoing project whether you're in a relationship or not. Sometimes we forget that once we get in relationships and focus our attention on other people rather than ourselves. Does that make sense? ^^^^ This ^^^^
mrldii Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 To reiterate - and expound on - what's already been written: What was my part in this relationship's failure? What could I have done differently that might have caused a different outcome? If I am 100% faultless in it (*cough*cough), why am I attracted to a**holes/b*tches and/or why are they attracted to me? Did I give too much / too little? If too much, why am I so desperate to be in a relationship? If too little, why do I seek relationships if my behavior in them indicates I'm not really interested in being in one? Am I OK with me when not in a relationship? Do I have other interests/talents/knowledge TO bring to a relationship that make me a worthwhile partner? Those are all good starting points. Best of luck to you, OP... 3
seasickpeeve Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 For me, I take it to mean repairing any loss of confidence and self esteem caused through the breakup. Also, you can lose some of yourself in relationships so it's regaining interests/hobbies and even friends you might have let slip. I had to also figure out a new direction as my future was planned out with him in mind. I had to think about a future without him. Counselling/therapy can help. Self help books. Talking to friends and on forums like this one. Writing in journals. These can all help figure out who you are now and where you'd like to be and what it is going to take to get there. Mostly I think it's about being kind and gentle to yourself for awhile as break ups are horrible no matter what. 1
kismetkismet Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 For me working on myself after a breakup involves a lot of things.. emotionally it means trying to face what happened head on and think about why it went wrong, how i contributed, what qualities i would want in my next partner, how i could improve my behaviour/emotional approach etc. Basically trying to figure out what I can learn from that failed relationship in order to help my next relationship and usually my life in general. But I think even more than that, for me, i focus on working on my life outside of romantic relationships. I usually focus on improving my health and fitness, refocus my career, meet new friends, do a deep clean/redecorate of my apartment or something like that... Even doing a big shop for new clothes and makeup can be helpful haha though that's a more shallow approach, take up a new hobby.. I try to focus on improving myself as an individual.
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Everyone works on themselves in a different way. I go to the gym. It helps accomplish every goal in one way or another (becoming more physically attractive, builds my confidence etc.) 1
smellysocksuni Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Iv read advice on here about people need to work on themselves after a bad relationship or heartbreaking split or people who lack confidence, self esteem & self respect etc etc But what does it actually mean to "work on yourself" & how do you do this? What it means is taking a look at yourself and your life, and seeing where you'd like to improve and then actually taking steps to do it. Reading more, working out, becoming a better version of yourself. 1
thespacey1 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) For me, I take it to mean repairing any loss of confidence and self esteem caused through the breakup. Also, you can lose some of yourself in relationships so it's regaining interests/hobbies and even friends you might have let slip. I had to also figure out a new direction as my future was planned out with him in mind. I had to think about a future without him. Counselling/therapy can help. Self help books. Talking to friends and on forums like this one. Writing in journals. These can all help figure out who you are now and where you'd like to be and what it is going to take to get there. Mostly I think it's about being kind and gentle to yourself for awhile as break ups are horrible no matter what. Awesome post. Simple, yet not. It's not always easy to be kind to yourself after a breakup. Whether you're the dumper or dumpee it can be a challenge. And being kind to yourself does not mean going out getting drunk to forget the pain...or just "reflecting". In my opinion it depends on the reason for the breakup. Often dumpers who dump for good reason feel just as bad as they dumpee. Maybe some think of us as " giving up" on the relationship but if its a choice between a draining relationship and my sanity, I'll choose sanity every time... Im still struggling to be kind to myself and not blame myself too much for putting up with a controlling man for so long(although I know I wasn't perfect). Yes, the dumpee may be hurt by our decision to initiate a breakup, but it take two to destroy and two to repair. I try being kind by reflecting in healthy chunks,rather than hours and hours straight. I try thinking of the good times we shared and thinking of my efforts to make things work. And not out of guilt,but for a bit of comfort for him and myself I have responded to his communication with kind words, never hostile even if he seems to hold animosity to any degree. I feel like negative energy is more contagious than positive sometimes. I refuse to go back to that unhealthy emotional state I was in with my ex. And even though he was older than me he was seemingly emotionally more immature than me at times and that's one of many things that cause d huge problems in our relationship. He had issues with control and insecurity to the point of trying to make me feel the way he did. So being kind to me overall, is doing nice things for oneself and feeding positive thoughts and energy into oneself and others (even to your ex, if and when they ever make contact with you.) Being kind is also knowing that you're just fine with or without your ex, even if you are the "legitimate" dumper... Edited August 25, 2015 by thespacey1
contel3 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's basically about repairing all the damage the past relationship did to you. One example of working on yourself would be after being cheated on in a past relationship. Your self esteem is shattered, you think everybody will cheat on you...you need to regain your self esteem and learn to trust again - while not being in a new relationship. You don't want to ruin something good because you can't trust your partner. It's not fair to let your partner do all the work for you (and they will get fed up pretty fast).
Xiomn Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I work on myself by going the gym on a daily basis and volunteering on a daily basis to get myself out there, boost my confidence and meet new people.
Chi townD Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Yep! Everyone is on target! Not much to add. For me, it was getting new hobbies and enjoying myself. Traveling a lot and seeing new and exciting things. Going places I've only dreamed of going to. Getting out of the norm and taking chances. Working on my physical attributes. Seeing the world in a different light. Learning new things and setting myself up with goals and achieving them. Realizing that I'm okay and that I'm okay to be single for a while. Understanding that my life is my own and I choose who I want to share it with. That I don't necessarily need a partner to identify who I am.
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