My ex boyfriend ACTS like my boyfriend but SAYS we are never getting back together?

[Leaa]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about a month ago. We've been in contact ever since, and therefore the breakup still doesn't feel real to me. He broke up with me after a heated argument, and thats why i thought he just needed to cool off and we would get back together. Our relationship was really good, we were both incredibly in love, he even wanted to propose to me this Summer. However, throughout our relationship I didn't trust him enough. I would get mad when he was with his friends or when he wouldn't text me back immediately. And ever since I knew him, he's always had a lot of hobbies and a lot of friends, and I guess I kind of took that away from him. As much as I keep blaming myself, he wasn't perfect in the relationship either. He's lied to me and embarrassed me in front of my friends. But, when he was good to me he was really really good to me.

SO, when we broke up he kept saying he just needed time, we would probably get back together but he was really hurt. When I would text him, he would tell me to stop and that he needed space. As time went on, he told me we would never get back together, he feels free now. Yet, the texting conversations went from angry to happy. Last week, I asked to see him. He brought me to lunch and then we took a nap together, laid together, had a lot of fun. He told me he wanted to see me again soon. 2 days later, we watched a movie and fell asleep together. As I was leaving he woke up to tell me he loved me, and thanked me for coming over. 2 days after that I invited him to come out with me and my friends. He came, he held my hand in front of my friends, he kissed me, he told me he was happy. The next day we saw his friends, and I really thought he would act different. But he even kissed me in front of his own friends. I texted him that night, telling him i really feel like we are better now than ever before. He told me he loves me a lot but can't get back into a relationship. I said, it felt like we were in a relationship and i didn't see the difference between us now and us when we were dating. This made him mad, he told me if it confused me less he wouldn't kiss me anymore or see me anymore. I still want to kiss him, I still want to fix things, so i didn't know what to say. I was mad at myself for saying anything at all, we were in a good place and by bringing up the thought of getting back together he freaked out.

The next day we all went out together, our mutual friends. He was definitely keeping his distance this time. But by the end of the night he kissed me goodbye, i asked him to text me when he got home. He got home, texted me and said no more fighting. He told me he would have gotten back together with me but he knows i'll just end up being mean to him again.

 

So, i don't know what to do. I really want him back but i feel like it's impossible. I know he's not seeing anyone else yet, and he's just having fun being single and staying out late and riding his motorcycle more.

 

In my eyes, he still loves me but he's pretty much getting everything right now. He knows I still love him, so he can still see me but he doesn't have to commit. So when i ask him where he is or what he's doing his excuse is he doesn't have to tell me because "we aren't dating." but when he does feel lonely or need companionship he'll go out with me, hold my hand, tell me he loves me...

[pidgeon1010]

This confusion created is your own doing. The next step would be for this to turn into a friends with benefits (if it hasn't already). He broke up with you and you didn't disappear so he could even miss you or decide if he wanted to ever get back together. Rather, you continued to see him, in hopes that he would change his mind. That seldom works. So now what are you left with? A guy who is having his cake and eating it too. Of course he doesn't want to get back in a relationship with you. Why would he? he is single but getting the relationship treatment without the commitment part. It's up to you to decide where you want to go from here. I wouldn't hold my breath about reconciliation. He is playing games with your emotions and you're letting him.

[d0nnivain]

Take control of your life.

 

Sit him down & make him chose. Tell him that he broke up with you but that you would like to get back together. Explain this limbo BS isn't working for you & that you either want to get back together or you want to be free & unencumbered by him.

 

If he picks reconcile, fine. If he equivocates, you walk away & implement NC for your own sanity.

[PegNosePete]

Anyone ever been in this situation?

No, and I never would allow myself to be.

Why on earth are you giving him exactly what he wants, yet you're getting nothing that you want in return?

He is having his cake and eating it, whilst you're unhappy.

You need to develop a new strategy here because this current one sucks.

[seasickpeeve]

Have you thought about why the relationship went wrong? Like your jealousy etc? And the things about him that bothered you? If you get back together would those things still be there?

 

It sounds like he does love you but there are problems in the relationship and this makes him confused about what he wants. Perhaps he is being the sensible one to be cautious but it's not so sensible of him to be kissing you and hanging around with you whilst saying he wont get back with you.

 

Allow him time and space to think and also time and space for you to think too about if it can actually work out.

 

Then it's either work on the problems together or leave it alone.

[Leaa]

Thanks everyone.

I do know what went wrong in the relationship, and i'm really willing to fix things. I told him a million times that it would be like it is now, i would be less controlling. I asked him to try again for just 2 weeks, we can take it slow and keep it between us and if he still wasn't happy he can bring it off forever and i'll leave him alone. but he said no.

I know i should just leave him alone but it feels impossible

[Seth0194]

I have been reading on here for the last couple of days and have not shared my story as of yet. (A little scared) But to the point in this post, my ex and I called it about 3 weeks ago. She still lives in the same house but stays in another room, we work opposites so we have little contact but it does happen.

 

But at one point she was coming in my room laying in my arms to watch tv, exchanging simple forms of affection but all the while we are done, with no chance of fixing things (as she told me) I finally said enough, if there is no way to fix this or repair it, then all of it had to stop. We are in a situation where we have to live together (for now) we need to keep our interaction to a minimum.

 

She did not like this saying she still cares for me etc. and does not understand why we can not be "friends" Simple put, you have to make boundaries and live with-in those. Ever since I told her no more hanging out, etc it is starting to get easier and I can feel myself healing. She still texts me random and wants to talk, as a matter of fact as I am writing this now she is texting me. I take my time in replies and say only what needs to be said. Do not give into him OP, you have to be a great person, this should be clear as he no doubt wants back in but on shady terms.

 

Best of luck.

[Gus Grimly]

I have been reading on here for the last couple of days and have not shared my story as of yet. (A little scared)

Please share your story soon. It really does help begin the road to recovery. But I understand being apprehensive. I shared my story but left the truly painful parts out because of the shame and embarrassment I still feel about it.

[Leaa]

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a month ago but we've still talked almost every day. We broke up because i was always mad at him, from my view it was because he didn't make enough of an effort for me to trust him. From his point of view, i held him back and he had to sacrifice friendships and hobbies for me. At first he didn't wanna see me, but recently i've seen him every few days. Things started to look up, it really seemed like we were getting back together, but whenever i bring up the though of a relationship he freaks out. I asked him what he was doing tomorrow and he said maybe we can grab dinner.

 

Right now, we're kind of a friends with benefits, and i don't want that. I want him to be my boyfriend again. But every time I bring it up he gets mad and threatens to block my number, or stop seeing me. He said he knows how sad I get and how bad my anxiety is and thats why he's still trying to be civil with me. He keeps saying that i'm trying to force him into a relationship that he doesn't want.

But what's the difference between us seeing each other, getting dinner, hugging, kissing, sleeping together, vs when we were dating? Honestly, the only difference I see are the short texts, and not being in contact all day like we used to be.

 

I want to go to dinner with him, I want to see him. But i also want him to commit again. I guess i'm scared that if i cut him off or stop seeing him that he'll not care and i'll never hear from him again.

[stillafool]

 

I want to go to dinner with him, I want to see him. But i also want him to commit again. I guess i'm scared that if i cut him off or stop seeing him that he'll not care and i'll never hear from him again.

 

Darling if you are scared you'll never see him again if you stop seeing him then it's pretty much over. You are the one doing all the chasing. You have to let him go and if it's meant to be he has to be the one to contact you to ask for the relationship back. As long as you keep chasing him and begging him to commit he is going to get really turned off.

[d0nnivain]

I want to go to dinner with him, I want to see him. But i also want him to commit again. I guess i'm scared that if i cut him off or stop seeing him that he'll not care and i'll never hear from him again.

 

To me losing your self esteem by letting him use you for sex without the commitment you want is scarier than losing him. Think about your real priorities.

[10yearsgoneaway]

You need to cut contact!

 

As others said, you can not let him have his cake and eat it too.

 

I did the same thing, and remained in contact. Finally my thick skull saw that all that was doing was keeping me in a relationship that no longer existed.

And gives true meaning to the term "one sided"

 

If you want to be friends again, that's fine, but you need to put an empty gap between being in a relationship and being just friends.

 

Complete NC is the only way to do this. Remain there until you have no more romantic feelings.

[drseuss]

To the op , I've been in solid nc since the moment we broke for 5 weeks now , minus a couple fb stalks early on ... , and when it ended, for a good couple of weeks the pain I felt was unreal and I would have loved to have been able to spend time with her like you and your ex have , but now only a few more weeks on of nc the thought of that makes me cringe and I know that it would have set me back so far and I know for a fact I wouldn't be where I am now and I feel so so much better , she's is on my mind half the amount she ust to be. And no I can really see she ain't all that great and to be honest she was a total pain in the ass !!

 

What I'm saying is nc will work if you do it properly and take active steps to move foward, not wallowing in the deepest depths of misery , this guy is done with you and is just using you at this point if he loved you he wouldn't have left you and further he wouldnt disrespect you but acting like he is