premedlife Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 My bf and I started dating in May. I've known him since 2013. And we started 'talking' In January but I wasn't really looking for a relationship. Back in July while using his phone he kept receiving so many messages from females. Curiosity killed the cat and I discovered him flirting with these woman. Asking them to hang out, come over to his house etc. I confronted him and he apologized. He said he never met up with any of them. I believed him because we spend all weekends together and he works 12-12 during the week. He told me old habits die hard and he hasn't been in a serious committed relationship over 2 years but he doesn't want to lose me and will stop talking to them. Fast forward last week while looking at his Facebook messages i realized he stopped flirting with so many of them. However he still asked this girl he used to have sex with "when will I see you"?. I haven't asked him About why he so interested in seeing them and hanging out and what exactly he hopes to gain out of it. I asked him if he wanted something casual or serious relationship. I have met his family and all his friends. I think it's so disrespectful to keep doing that after I asked him to stop. I was in a 4 year relationship before this one and we basically became exclusive after the first date. we were talking and I told him that he is holding back from giving me his all and he said its because he is worried about losing me. He doesn't have a college degree, has two kids, engaged before. He thinks I will find someone better when I go to medical school or that my father will never agree to him marrying me. How do I convince him that he is the one I want? Am I going too fast? Am I overreacting or pushing for serious commitment too soon? Is it okay for him to asked other girls to hang out?
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 omfg....this guy is gaslighting you. He is telling you bs to turn the blame on you...he's afraid of losing you? Don't you think if he was sooooooo afraid of losing you he would make sure he wouldn't have any interest having these little emotional affairs (flirtations) with these girls?? man alive he has pulled the wool over your eyes. It wouldn't surprise me that he is still hooking up with that girl. You may think he is at work, but if he wants to he will find a way. You are not over reacting enough. This guy is as slimy as they get. OPEN YOUR EYES! He is totally manipulating you....run! 1
menyou Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 omfg....this guy is gaslighting you. He is telling you bs to turn the blame on you...he's afraid of losing you? Don't you think if he was sooooooo afraid of losing you he would make sure he wouldn't have any interest having these little emotional affairs (flirtations) with these girls?? man alive he has pulled the wool over your eyes. It wouldn't surprise me that he is still hooking up with that girl. You may think he is at work, but if he wants to he will find a way. You are not over reacting enough. This guy is as slimy as they get. OPEN YOUR EYES! He is totally manipulating you....run! Yeah. this times 100. People are so entitled. Do what you want at the expense of others emotions. He's being a jerk. Confront him and walk. Why do you need to worry about him? Not worth the stress. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You are not a good long term match. Although you may have known him for a while, you have only been dating for less than 4 months. To talk about marriage & a serious commitment at this point is moving waaaaayyyyy too fast. He's also not "all in" here which you clearly are since you are the one pushing for the future. Medical school is a huge commitment & while you don't think so once you get in that world things will change. You will have less time for him. He hasn't proven himself worthy of the trust or fidelity that will be required when you are too busy to hang out & be at his beck & call. Your colleagues will look down on his lack of education. He will resent being around all these extremely smart people & you two will fight. I don't see long term potential here. If he was a different man, who could handle the raised eyebrows, things might work. But he's not that guy. 5
katiegrl Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) Agree with smackie and menyou. Also, you say he is concerned that your dad won't allow him to marry you, which is a bullshyt excuse to flirt and/or cheat, but I have to ask... Why would he be concerned about this, is your dad wealthy, are you from a wealthy family? What does your bf do for a living, does he make good money in his own right? Despite lack of college education? And why would he even be thinking marriage at this point? You have only been dating four months! He could be a gold digger (yes men can be goddiggers). Which is why he stays with you, but chases other girls. Wealthy family + you being a doctor = $$$$$$$. I realize I am just speculating, but something to consider..... Edited August 24, 2015 by katiegrl 1
usernametaken Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 My bf and I started dating in May. I've known him since 2013. And we started 'talking' In January but I wasn't really looking for a relationship. Back in July while using his phone he kept receiving so many messages from females. Curiosity killed the cat and I discovered him flirting with these woman. Asking them to hang out, come over to his house etc. I confronted him and he apologized. He said he never met up with any of them. I believed him because we spend all weekends together and he works 12-12 during the week. He told me old habits die hard and he hasn't been in a serious committed relationship over 2 years but he doesn't want to lose me and will stop talking to them. Fast forward last week while looking at his Facebook messages i realized he stopped flirting with so many of them. However he still asked this girl he used to have sex with "when will I see you"?. I haven't asked him About why he so interested in seeing them and hanging out and what exactly he hopes to gain out of it. I asked him if he wanted something casual or serious relationship. I have met his family and all his friends. I think it's so disrespectful to keep doing that after I asked him to stop. I was in a 4 year relationship before this one and we basically became exclusive after the first date. we were talking and I told him that he is holding back from giving me his all and he said its because he is worried about losing me. He doesn't have a college degree, has two kids, engaged before. He thinks I will find someone better when I go to medical school or that my father will never agree to him marrying me. How do I convince him that he is the one I want? Am I going too fast? Am I overreacting or pushing for serious commitment too soon? Is it okay for him to asked other girls to hang out? He doesn't have a college degree, has two kids, and has most likely been cheating on you - at the very least, he's been trying to and has been engaged in emotional affairs. Meanwhile, you're about to go to medical school. What exactly is this guy bringing to the table? Next. 1
Author premedlife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Agree with smackie and menyou. Also, you say he is concerned that your dad won't allow him to marry you, which is a bullshyt excuse to flirt and/or cheat, but I have to ask... Why would he be concerned about this, is your dad wealthy, are you from a wealthy family? What does your bf do for a living, does he make good money in his own right? Despite lack of college education? And why would he even be thinking marriage at this point? You have only been dating four months! He could be a gold digger (yes men can be goddiggers). Which is why he stays with you, but chases other girls. Wealthy family + you being a doctor = $$$$$$$. I realize I am just speculating, but something to consider..... No I'm not from a wealthy family. we are just the average middle class. yes he makes a lot of money and he lives on his own. 50k a year. he dos have goals of going back to school but he says he doesn't know where to start and has lost motivation. I'm not even sure how marriage came about but he said if we dating we gotta date for a purpose.
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 . I'm not even sure how marriage came about but he said if we dating we gotta date for a purpose. He's playing you. He's telling you what you want to hear but his actions in failing to give up the other women are proving him to be untrustworthy. I would not trust this guy with your heart or your health . . . get tested & use condoms. 2
usernametaken Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 No I'm not from a wealthy family. we are just the average middle class. yes he makes a lot of money and he lives on his own. 50k a year. he dos have goals of going back to school but he says he doesn't know where to start and has lost motivation. I'm not even sure how marriage came about but he said if we dating we gotta date for a purpose. I don't know where you live, but 50k a year is not a "lot of money" for a man with two children. It may seem like that now because you're young, but it's certainly no reason to stick around (and depending on where you live, you will make well more than that as a doctor). But really, dating someone for money is pretty icky, IMHO. 1
Satu Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 He's a waste of time if you're looking for anything serious. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 No it's not ok for him to ask other girls to hang out. I do think you are moving too fast. Look at his actions and his motivations (insecure about his future with you based on status, his obligations to kids, lack of motivation in his own life). Also usually when someone is letting you in on an unfounded fear, they are giving you some insight into what they possibly do or would do. He fears you will cheat/find someone better because that is something HE would do. I think you need to slow down. Look at what the relationship really is. It sounds as if it has the potential to really mess up the good things you have going for something that is not that great or loyal (him). I would reconsider being with him. You have a lot of good in front of you. He is throwing up red flags everywhere with his life situation and contact with other women and a lot of what he does sounds insecurity fueled, which is unlikely to end and will just cause more problems for you. I see this guy as someone with the potential to really throw a wrench into your life. Watch it. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 He's a player. Sorry, but this is not a good boyfriend. No, it's not okay for him to be secretly trying to hang out with other women. If were really into you and concerned about losing you, he wouldn't have done any of that in the first place. And his line about "old habits die hard"...? I would've laughed in face as I closed the door in it. What a jerk. 3
katiegrl Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 $50,000? Add a zero to 50, and as a doctor, THAT is what you will be making, depending on where you live and what type of doctor you are. Sweet deal for him, plus as a med student, you will have little time to spend with him .....more time for him to chase other girls and cheat. As a doctor, you will be gone a lot as well.... Okay, I realize I am letting my imagination get the best of me here ....but, based on what you have shared with us here, I do not like this guy, I do not trust this guy, I think he's playing you, gaslighting you ...and you should *next* him, focus on your studies, and eventually find a man who loves you, doesn't skulk the internet searching for/flirting with other chicks and possibly (probably!) cheating... Sorry.... 1
Versacehottie Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 My observation is that guys who put too much emphasis on their gf/wife's occupation have intentions to use them as a meal ticket. (actually same goes in reverse for women who place a lot of attention on a guy's occupation; gotta make sure the meal ticket stays intact; points to what part of you "rates" in their minds.) It is easier than you think to read between the lines of what a person's intentions/focus/vibe is.
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