They're making me feel like I did something wrong...

[PaperCrane]

My friends are all telling me I'm a bloody fool and that since I'm not getting any younger I should just take the opportunity that presented itself to me.

 

A co-worker at my second job, whom I've had a platonic friendship with for going on two years recently confessed that she not only has feelings for me but is utterly in love with me. I've been there myself so I know how hard what she just did, in telling me, was.

 

I was there through her divorce as someone she could vent to. We'd hang out on breaks and I'd just listen and smoke my clove. Eventually we'd all hang out as a group from the store and general friendly interaction.

 

When the truth came out however, she says that I was a very small factor in the divorce as her then husband thought she was going to run off with me. He had even met me once and he seemed like a pretty okay guy. Told him about my crazy nonsensical situation with my roommate and other bs that guys will talk about. After their divorce she ended up finding someone to date.

 

Fast forward several months from her starting to date the new guy. She messages me telling me she wants to come over and bang. I tell her no, that's not going to happen. She has someone and that's not right.

 

Immediately after she confesses, I'm flattered, however I've thought about this before and she just has two major dealbreakers I can't get over. One of which is that she has several kids which means involvement by her ex, all the drama that comes with that, and the fact she has said she's done having children. I want a family of my own. The second is that she is very much an extrovert and I'm very much introverted and I feel utterly drained after spending any length of time with her.

 

I told a few of my long time friends what happened. They all told me I should have just taken the offer and went with it because "I'm not getting any younger." and the other one being "stop making being a single mom a dealbreaker".

 

Barring the obvious glaring and neon glowing sign of "SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND" which all of my friends seem to miss and I absolutely refuse to partake in a cheating situation...

Am I being unreasonable here? There's nothing wrong with single moms, but for me I get turned off most of the time when looking at a woman as a romantic prospect and all of her time gets eaten up by her children. I enjoy traveling and spontaneous outings. Also that I need a certain energy level in a partner. If after an interaction I feel drained, I don't see how that will pan out very well over time.

[d0nnivain]

You did the moral thing.

 

Now going forward, do you want to date this woman?

 

If no, tell her that. Gently but firmly & tell her to stop telling you that she wants to have sex with you because you are not interested.

 

If yes, tell her that you would be honored to take her on a date after she breaks up with her BF. Once you know she's done with other men, wait a few days, call her & ask her on a low key casual date for about a week in advance. I really want you to give her the message that this isn't about quick sex, unless all you want is sex, in which case just have her over to your house & have at it.

[Toodaloo]

Am I being unreasonable here?

 

In one word. No.

 

There are 3 major differences in "lifestyle" choices and "ethics".

 

All are too big to make it work.

[elaine567]

Dating people is difficult.

Dating people with children and an ex, introduces another level of complexity and for single people that is often a step too far.

Do not feel bad about it, you are right.

YOU know what type of relationship you want and this would just be a waste of time for her and for you, if you were to lead her on here.

 

AND

There is the bf and the fact she is perfectly willing to cheat on him with you.

Not a good long term prospect.

[PaperCrane]

Thanks for the replies so far.

 

I wouldn't be able to do just sex with this woman. I don't view things quite that way of just throwing it out there. I've thought about dating her but the lack of wanting or really being able to have any more children also kills it. I want to make a family, not have one pre-made.

 

A wife of one of my friends asked what would keep me from dating her and I cited the reason above and apparently that gave me a tongue lashing.

 

I'm not coming down on my friends or anything. They're all great people and I know they want to see me finally be official or something with someone after so much time, but I just don't see why in this situation they got so heated.

 

Also, I have told her that I won't say yes to sex and that my mind won't be changing, also that I don't see a relationship being possible. Her response is that she won't give up and that she'll be there when all my other ventures or interests fail. I feel awful honestly, not as bad as being the one holding unrequited love because I know that inside and out, but knowing that she feels what I've felt. It's not a fun situation.

[warrenorabbits]

You have to do what's right for yourself, not (necessarily) what's right for your friends. After all, they're not the ones who have to live with your choices.

 

 

PS Do your friends, once single, just date the first person who announces themselves to be attracted to them, for fear of missing out on an "opportunity"?

 

PPS I'm curious as to why your friends are so unanimously passionate about their opinion that you should date this woman -- not that it would change my response.

[PaperCrane]

I've spoken to her about this now. I let her know I'm not interested.

I didn't play any of the "maybe in the future" deals. Just straight up that it wouldn't work. That's the way I'd want it to be done to me.

 

Warren: I'm not sure to be really honest. They see her as a good person despite her flaws, which she is, although not in the way I can see myself being happy. I guess it's because I've been single for so long and in a kind of limbo state with something else that they want me to 'find someone'.