Diezel Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It doesn't matter if it is unforgivable and callous. What matters is that you move on from this. And it'll take time, but you will. He's no longer a part of this equation so start reminding yourself of this. 1
kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I have been duped by a charming man myself.. It's terrible, so I'm really sorry you're going through that. I kind of feel like if things are too good to be true, they sometimes are. There are some men that just behave that way in relationships. If it comes too easily, it's often because they are just like that with everyone. Relationships are built, if they don't take the time to really get to know you before dousing you in flattery and affection, it is usually just charm - a dating tactic to keep you hooked. 1
writergal Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 OP, everyone's given you great advice so I can only reiterate it to you. Your Italian boyfriend used you for 10 months. He fed you the fantasy of being in a relationship with him, the way he acted smooth; said and did all the right things. His behavior on his last night was horrible but true for his character. And your behavior was over the top and not necessary to go balls out like that. The best thing you can do for yourself is to stay put in London and forget about this Italian loverboy. Maybe Martaldn and ExpatInItaly can speak more on stereotypical Italian men then I can. But I think he's typical "love 'em and leave 'em" for Italian men. 1
Author carolinek7 Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I have been duped by a charming man myself.. It's terrible, so I'm really sorry you're going through that. I kind of feel like if things are too good to be true, they sometimes are. There are some men that just behave that way in relationships. If it comes too easily, it's often because they are just like that with everyone. Relationships are built, if they don't take the time to really get to know you before dousing you in flattery and affection, it is usually just charm - a dating tactic to keep you hooked. You really have a point. I will be much more cautious in the future, and not give my heart so easily. He swept me off my feet and I believed he was 'The One'. I'm so sorry to hear you too have crossed paths with a similar man. I'm trying my hardest to keep myself as busy as possible, calm, rational and not waste any more tears. I need to stop checking my phone/Facebook/emails - it's pointless, exhausting and futile. I just want to find peace with this entire situation. 1
lollipopspot Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I no longer feel the impulsive need to go to Italy but I still feel the need to talk to him. Don't contact him. He was using you and I'm pretty sure he laughed about you - what do you think he was saying to his buddies that night about why he wasn't seeing his girlfriend? Your dignity is more valuable than trying to get a few crumbs from this guy. 2
Tuga88 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You really have a point. I will be much more cautious in the future, and not give my heart so easily. He swept me off my feet and I believed he was 'The One'. I'm so sorry to hear you too have crossed paths with a similar man. This is what sucks the most about stuff like this. The person will always be guarded after a situation like this but there's no need to be, not every guy is going so deceitful as your Italian. 1
sandylee1 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) NEVER beg a man. You had every right to be pissed off, but you can't loose it like that. Your behaviour would scare anyone. Nobody wants a GF acting this way. If you get married and your H does something bad, is this how you'll react. I've only read your first post, but I'd tell my son to run from a girl who displayed such out of control violence. You could have simply said he's left you out for 2 hours and didn't have the courtesy to call you even though he hada charger and tell him he's annoyed you and left to go home. Even if you called him an idiot I'd understand, but you went too far. Because women are becoming more physically abusive these days, it is a genuine concern for guys. Leave him and get help for your anger issues. He isn't worth it and his actions show it. He should have wanted to be with you on his last couple of days if you really meant that much to him. You fell for the Italian stallion. Never mind. Plenty more fish in the sea. Edited August 26, 2015 by sandylee1 eta
Author carolinek7 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) This is what sucks the most about stuff like this. The person will always be guarded after a situation like this but there's no need to be, not every guy is going so deceitful as your Italian. The thought of opening my heart to any man again feels truly impossible. Yes, I have been through break ups before but this one has hit me so hard as it was unexpected (on my part). Leave him and get help for your anger issues. He isn't worth it and his actions show it. He should have wanted to be with you on his last couple of days if you really meant that much to him. You fell for the Italian stallion. Never mind. Plenty more fish in the sea. I now believe that if he loved me and took me as seriously as he said he did then he would at least stick around and argued back at me. The fact that he just disappeared to Italy and I haven't heard from him since is a sign, I guess. I can't just be with a man that is only interested in the 'good times', I want a man who will fight for love and won't let me go when things go wrong, I mess up, or when things get difficult. I recognise, admit and accept that my actions were wrong (the one and only time that I raised my voice at him and lost my temper immensely in 10 months, he had never seen me even cry like that before, nor yell) and I won't make that mistake again. But I will fight hard, stand up for myself having been disrespected by him and I will love deeply. No relationship is perfect. Each couple, at some point along the road, has their 'issues' (be it, jealously, trust issues, infidelity, money issues, something...). But their love and respect for one another (and understanding of the others feelings)brings them back together, if only to communicate and discuss where they went wrong (not necessarily to reconcile). I am only human (a truly loving, caring, giving, sensitive, passionate girl with deep emotions and an open heart, who loved honestly and deeply) and I make mistakes (having lost my temper once so badly and descending into a fiery rage/outburst due to anger at being abandoned/disrespected). I believe that those who have done wrong deserve to be reprimanded but I also believe that afterwards they deserve forgiveness. I know that I have the strength to forgive others who have done me wrong (and god only knows I have forgiven many who have hurt me over the years) and want a partner who will 'fight for our love' and exercise forgiveness too. Edited August 26, 2015 by carolinek7
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Had he talked about your future together after his return to Italy? Is so, what were his plans?
Author carolinek7 Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Had he talked about your future together after his return to Italy? Is so, what were his plans? Yes, the plan was for me to go to Italy too (for a vacation, and to meet his grandmother and other family members, to travel around Italy with him) until mid-September after which we would both travel to New York for work. If this break up didn't happen I would be in Italy now too. He was religious and we would discuss getting married in church and its location. We would discuss how many children we wanted and how they would be raised. He knew that I was quite religious too and that this was important to me. We discussed engagement and I felt so secure and loved in our relationship. This was our one and only 'fight' in the entire 10 months. Never before had I even raised my voice at him, nor cry like that. I never insulted him, nor insulted him during my outburst. We spent every morning and every night together and, to me and everyone around us, everything was a dream. I adored him, and he know it, and I thought that he adored me too. I'm finding it so hard to find peace and rationalise right now. I miss him madly and I feel like I am grieving. TO ALL: Thank you so much to everyone for your advice, it has been a huge help and comfort. I can't begin to express just how much I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and advice x Edited August 26, 2015 by carolinek7
lana-banana Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Congratulations on your NC! You're doing great. But resist the urge to minimize your behavior. Violent outbursts, no matter the cause, are always a reason for concern. You may want to use this time to find professional assistance and explore what made you react this way. Now is also the best opportunity to work on your coping skills. At the end of the day you were disrespected, not victimized, and your reaction was extremely inappropriate. That's not something any amount of platitudes about relationships can justify. My current boyfriend is my world and increasingly looks like the love of my life, but if he threw anything in anger I would end it on the spot.
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