I desperately want him back, do I travel to Italy?

[carolinek7]

My now ex-boyfriend and I met here in London whilst he was completing his Masters degree (he's Italian) and I'm a Londoner.

 

Up until a two weeks ago our 10-month relationship was almost idilic. I absolutely adored him and he showered me to love and affection all the time. I was always either at his place, or he was staying at mine. We discussed marriage and future baby names. He would always 'check in' with me whenever he went out and he seemed like the perfect boyfriend (kind, considerate and easy going). He was very loving and told me he loved me several times a day. I adored him and I felt like he adored me. I envisaged marrying him and being with him forever.

 

However, on his last night in London (before moving back to Italy) he decided to go out with his university buddies. We had agreed to see each other after (around 10pm) at home and be together on his last night. That night he turned his phone off and left me waiting for 2 hours outside his apartment waiting for him. He never came and he never responded to any of my calls/texts (his phone was off).

 

I was worried sick. I thought that either he lost his phone, was in hospital, could have even died… I didn't sleep all night.

 

I returned to his apartment at 9am the next day and his flatmate let me in. My ex-boyfriend wasn't there and had not come home that night. I waited in his apartment until he casually came home at 11am completely relaxed and not apologetic at all. He just shrugged his shoulders and said that he was having fun with his buddied, his mobile phone battery had died and that he slept on his friends couch after the party.

 

I felt extremely upset and went hysterical. I had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying as I felt so disrespected, unloved and frankly, I simply felt like he was lying to me. I went completely ballistic and yelled at him. I threw objects around his room (although I didn't throw them at him, I was just full of anger at being abandoned and lied to). I was crying so much and his response was to remain completely stone cold, calm and simply repeat that his phone battery had died and that he slept on a friends sofa. He showed me that his phone battery was dead but also showed me that he had his USB phone charger with him in his pocket the entire night. He made absolutely no effort to tell me he wouldn't see me and left me waiting for him outside his apartment.

 

His flatmate eventually asked me to leave the apartment so I did. We stood outside in the street and he said that he has never experienced such violence from a girl, that I make him sick, that my actions make him want to vomit and that he doesn't think he loves me anymore (that he isn't sure if he loves me anymore). I was so shocked and hysterical that I begged him to not end it and begged him to hold me/hug me/make up. He said that he needs to go to Italy to 'reconsider' everything. I begged him not to leave me and apologised for getting so angry but he wasn't accepting anything I said. I repeated that I loved him but he said 'love is not enough'. He was completely calm, cold and unresponsive. I was in tears and numb. He simply walked away from me in the street, returned to his apartment and flew home to Italy for good that afternoon.

 

I have not heard from him since. I just don't know what to do. I want to salvage this relationship, I want to make it all better and I just don't know how to do it. I believe that there is a tiny glimmer of hope but I just don't know the right steps. I really feel like he is the one and that I messed up hugely. I really will do anything to reconcile.

 

I would be super grateful for any words of advice or support. I just don't know whether I should call him or ignore him, or book a flight to Italy or not. I haven't eaten in two days and I feel exhausted, emotional, tired and lost.

 

Please help x

[PegNosePete]

I am sorry but it seems his decision is made.

 

If you fly to Italy you will likely have a wasted journey since he will just repeat what he's already said.

[pidgeon1010]

Sorry you're going through this but let me start off by saying that there is no excuse for your behavior. I understand you were hurt but you behaved poorly and I realize you are apologetic. HOWEVER, frankly, I am not even sure if you two would still be together even if you didn't react that way.

 

I may be looking at this from too much of a skeptical/pessimistic viewpoint but I don't think he ever planned on continuning the relationshop when he left for Italy. To make plans with your girlfriend and then not show up, not call and then come back the next morning calm and collected with no remorse (especially when you are leaving soon) is not a sign of someone who was looking for long term or really committed to the relationship. He probably was trying to bait you into responding the way you did and you fell right into the trap and he used that as an excuse to break up with you. Of course, this is just my guess but something just seems "off." I don't know any loving boyfriend who would hang out with his buddies and ignore his girlfriend AND not even apologize and seem remorseful about the situation.

 

I doubt this relationship can be salvaged because you were never part of the "Italy" plan. But maybe I am wrong. Maybe with distance and time, he will forgive you and reach out but I wouldn't hold out hope. As difficult as it may be, you have to move on. He knows you are sorry and he knows you want to be with him so the ball is in his court. Give him the space he has a requested. Best wishes!

[ExpatInItaly]

Do not go to Italy.

 

I don't think he wanted to continue this after he left London anyway, given that he didn't even bother to touch base with you on his final night. Your behaviour only gave him further reason to end it altogether. He was disrespectful to you, and you were disrespectful to him. I think it's not salvageable, unfortunately.

[martaldn]

I dont think flying to Italy will change things.

 

let it be.. if he changes his mind he will know where to find you.

 

stay strong i know its hard but probably that crazy outburst was too much for him.

It happened once to me with a guy i was seeing.. i went completely crazy after we argued and he broke up with me after that. sometime its good to learn to stay calm even in bad situation like the one you have experienced. but I guess we only live and learn.

[lana-banana]

What he did was unacceptable, but what you did was abusive. This guy (and relationship) is the least of your problems. Forget about salvaging this---as others have said, there's no way---you need to salvage YOU. Please seek counseling and/or consider dialectical behavior therapy for your anger management.

 

Under no circumstances should you go to Italy. If an ex of mine with a history of violent behavior suddenly showed up in my country and on my doorstep I would call the police. This guy may very well do the same.

[elaine567]

I think you assumed the relationship was more serious than it was and I guess he just used you to make his time in London more enjoyable. Having an English gf to show him around, introduce him to the culture and save him from getting too lonely far from home, is a great thing. Men and women do it all the time, they start temporary relationships with people in foreign countries, and then go home and just carry on with the rest of their lives.

I guess you were bowled over by his Italian charm, they do not say Italians make the best lovers for nothing, but in this case it was not based on true love.

For him, I guess it was always a temporary fling and your relationship had an expiry date. He may have liked you very much, but he always knew it was going nowhere long term

He chose his buddies to go out with on his last night in the UK and that shows you where his priorities lay.

He is Italian, his life will be in Italy, I guess he did not envisage a LDR, so obviously everything was going to stop when he got on the plane.

 

DO NOT chase him to Italy, he doesn't want you to, and you will just get more hurt, when he again shows you his cold side.

 

Look after yourself, make YOU the priority in your life, heal and move on.

[seasickpeeve]

I can totally understand why you lost your control. It's not right but we are not perfect and it was a one off. I'm sure you already feel bad about that and will learn from it. You were probably very anxious about him leaving and him going missing for awhile will have made that a 100 times worse.

 

It's ok people saying he probably never intended to stay with you but if that was the case he should have been honest. He didn't need to say he loved you everyday, talk about marriage or children if he had no intentions of being committed.

 

If he couldn't apologise after going missing, send a simple text to explain he's staying out and if he could wipe his hands of you because of one angry outburst I don't think he is actually deep down a very good boyfriend.

 

After a very emotional outburst from you I'd say the last thing you need to do is give him anymore emotional outbursts either by messages or phone calls or going to see him. It'll confirm to him that you can't handle your emotions very well and he's made the right choice.

 

Sorry he has done this to you. Be thankful he's so far away and you can begin to heal without him around.

[seasickpeeve]

Also, the fact that he has put the end of relationship allllllll on you will make you panic and feel like you have to fix it and you'll get all worked up trying to do that.

 

Don't bother. It's not all your fault. You made a mistake but so did he. Why not wait until he acknowledges that and apologises to you?!

 

He may even have been planning to go back to Italy without seeing you or saying goodbye and then just ignoring you. He doesn't sound like someone who likes taking responsibility for his relationship.

 

In time you will cool down from this and start seeing his faults as well as your own.

[d0nnivain]

I don't understand you at all.

 

 

Why would you want a man who's word you don't trust? If my BF came strolling him at 11 am & told me he'd been on somebody's couch, I'd believe him. I might ask why he didn't call me from somebody else's phone but if I immediately jumped to cheating, there wasn't much of a foundation there.

 

 

The level of psycho to which you descended after that is frightening. Forget fixing your relationship. You need to fix you. Anger management is in order.

 

 

Going to Italy to chase after a man you think is lying to you, who you think has cheated on you & who you believe disrespected you, is nuts. Why would you want to keep such an individual in your life?

[elaine567]

I don't understand you at all.

 

 

Why would you want a man who's word you don't trust? If my BF came strolling him at 11 am & told me he'd been on somebody's couch, I'd believe him. I might ask why he didn't call me from somebody else's phone but if I immediately jumped to cheating, there wasn't much of a foundation there.

 

 

The level of psycho to which you descended after that is frightening. Forget fixing your relationship. You need to fix you. Anger management is in order.

 

 

Going to Italy to chase after a man you think is lying to you, who you think has cheated on you & who you believe disrespected you, is nuts. Why would you want to keep such an individual in your life?

 

I do not condone the throwing of his stuff or making such a scene but Carolinek7 was desperate here.

Angry as he never came home and broke his promise, upset at him leaving for Italy and an uncertain future, frantic with worry since 10pm...

The man she loved and who she thought was very serious about her was leaving the next day for Italy, and he chose to stay all of his last night out with buddies and not come home at all, rather than spend the night with her, as he promised to do. He saunters in at 11am, nonplussed. She blows up.

Not clever, not mature, not in control but due to the circumstances pretty understandable.

[d0nnivain]

He said they would spend his last night together but he blew her off. When he shows up the next morning with a dead cell battery & a charger in his pocket it's clear that he doesn't care about her. Of course she can be pissed & hurt but telling him to go F himself & walking away would be sufficient. Chasing after a guy like that is nuts.

[ExpatInItaly]

He said they would spend his last night together but he blew her off. When he shows up the next morning with a dead cell battery & a charger in his pocket it's clear that he doesn't care about her. Of course she can be pissed & hurt but telling him to go F himself & walking away would be sufficient. Chasing after a guy like that is nuts.

 

Exactly.

 

He obviously didn't care that much anyway.

[elaine567]

Chasing after a guy like that is nuts.

 

Agreed, I already posted she should NOT go to Italy.

 

But his was a man who had cast a spell, who was "the one", who told her he loved her and used his Italian charm to maximum effect.

She was in love and he gave her no clue apparently until 11am on the day he was leaving, that he was any less than what she assumed him to be.

She was completely blind-sided and that is very sad.

He was a cad and a bounder.

 

Not to generalise a nation of men, but Do Italian Men Really Make Good Lovers ? | BlogHer

[carolinek7]

But his was a man who had cast a spell, who was "the one", who told her he loved her and used his Italian charm to maximum effect. She was in love and he gave her no clue apparently until 11am on the day he was leaving, that he was any less than what she assumed him to be.

She was completely blind-sided and that is very sad.

He was a cad and a bounder.

 

He most certainly was. We had not had a single fight during our entire relationship and everything was roses. This is a man who purchased a ring for me for my birthday and presented to me as 'until I can afford to buy you the real engagement ring, I love you'. I would have trusted him with anything in the world and I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with him.

 

I suppose he had different thoughts and wanted out. Otherwise, despite the huge row and outburst, he would have been in touch by now. I haven't heard a peep.

[ExpatInItaly]

He most certainly was. We had not had a single fight during our entire relationship and everything was roses. This is a man who purchased a ring for me for my birthday and presented to me as 'until I can afford to buy you the real engagement ring, I love you'. I would have trusted him with anything in the world and I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with him.

 

I suppose he had different thoughts and wanted out. Otherwise, despite the huge row and outburst, he would have been in touch by now. I haven't heard a peep.

 

What exactly did he say his plans were for the two of you when he returned to Italy?

 

But yes, you're right. If he really wanted to continue this, he would have had a better apology and explanation for what happened the final night. He wasn't thinking long-term, I don't believe. At least not at the time of his departure. It still does not warrant throwing things around and screaming to the point where his flatmate demands you leave. Totally not worth it.

 

Also, I don't know how familiar you are with Italian culture (I live here, in Rome) but it's not totally uncommon for young, un-engaged couples to wear rings too. I know quite a few who do.

 

In any case, I don't believe he wants to hear from you. The way it ended is painful, of course. But it should tell you something about who he really is and his real level of commitment. You deserve better. Do not fly over here looking for him. All signs now point to him not wanting to reunite.

[carolinek7]

What exactly did he say his plans were for the two of you when he returned to Italy?

 

But yes, you're right. If he really wanted to continue this, he would have had a better apology and explanation for what happened the final night. He wasn't thinking long-term, I don't believe. At least not at the time of his departure. It still does not warrant throwing things around and screaming to the point where his flatmate demands you leave. Totally not worth it.

 

Also, I don't know how familiar you are with Italian culture (I live here, in Rome) but it's not totally uncommon for young, un-engaged couples to wear rings too. I know quite a few who do.

 

In any case, I don't believe he wants to hear from you. The way it ended is painful, of course. But it should tell you something about who he really is and his real level of commitment. You deserve better. Do not fly over here looking for him. All signs now point to him not wanting to reunite.

 

Thank you for the candid advice, I really do appreciate it. It has really helped to see things from another point of view and not from my emotional, suffering current mindset. You are right in that it does tell me something about who he really is and his level of commitment - that is true.

[kismetkismet]

To be honest I think that in his mind he was already finished the night before he left.. I'm sorry to say that.. because I can totally understand how that would have been awful and have blind-sided you terribly. What he did is sketchy and unacceptable... the fact that you had an outburst the way you did probably sealed the deal, but it sounds like he wasn't really in it for the long haul anyway. I've learned the hard way as well that there are some men out there that are just like that in relationships no matter how long they intend to stay. Unfortunately they can also be the ones that move on the most quickly, because they seem to just like acting out the perfect relationship, when they don't really mean what they're saying.

[BriNyc82]

Also, the fact that he has put the end of relationship allllllll on you will make you panic and feel like you have to fix it and you'll get all worked up trying to do that.

 

Don't bother. It's not all your fault. You made a mistake but so did he. Why not wait until he acknowledges that and apologises to you?!

 

He may even have been planning to go back to Italy without seeing you or saying goodbye and then just ignoring you. He doesn't sound like someone who likes taking responsibility for his relationship.

 

In time you will cool down from this and start seeing his faults as well as your own.

 

This ex of yours seems to be manipulating the situation. Granted throwing objects was not the way to handle it, but it was over before you did that anyway. He's not taking responsibility for what he did and I know that your anger comes from a place of pain. And I bet him doing this was so out of character so it gave you rage. Please do NOT chase this guy. He's already gone.

[carolinek7]

This ex of yours seems to be manipulating the situation. Granted throwing objects was not the way to handle it, but it was over before you did that anyway. He's not taking responsibility for what he did and I know that your anger comes from a place of pain. And I bet him doing this was so out of character so it gave you rage. Please do NOT chase this guy. He's already gone.

 

Thank you for your message. It has been three days of no contact (and feels like 3 months). I no longer feel the impulsive need to go to Italy but I still feel the need to talk to him. I don't know why, I feel like I need some closure…something… I thought he was the love of my life and I feel horribly upset. I don't want to chase him, I just want to hear something from him.

Edited August 25, 2015 by carolinek7

[kismetkismet]

I think it's understandable that you feel that way since it was just so sudden. I would wait it out though, i think you will feel better in the long run if you give yourself time to mentally adjust to the change a bit and clear your head. Love can make you pretty scrambled. I'm sure at some point you two will have a conversation about it.. but for now I would give yourself some time. I find working out/running lots helps burn off that anxious steam. Keep yourself busy, that sort of thing.

[carolinek7]

I think it's understandable that you feel that way since it was just so sudden. I would wait it out though, i think you will feel better in the long run if you give yourself time to mentally adjust to the change a bit and clear your head. Love can make you pretty scrambled. I'm sure at some point you two will have a conversation about it.. but for now I would give yourself some time. I find working out/running lots helps burn off that anxious steam. Keep yourself busy, that sort of thing.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. It gives me comfort to know that you understand my feelings.

 

I am trying to give it as much time as possible (time for him to cool off from my outburst, time for him to feel my absence, time to perhaps realise that was he did was wrong too, time for myself to really calm down etc...). I love working out so today I had a mini workout and it helped a bit (to keep my mind busy and raise endorphins).

 

I know I shouldn't hold out any hope, but I really do hope that he contacts me. The not knowing just hurts so much - I am in pieces and have so many unanswered questions.

 

Couples go through so many challenges (infidelity, jealousy, abuse in various forms, insulting, lying, money issues etc) and yet still their love/respect for each other brings them back together - at least to talk, discuss, perhaps reconcile and try again. If he doesn't contact me ever again (having packed off and gone to Italy for good) it says a lot about his 'feelings' for me. This wait for any news is absolutely agonising.

[Tuga88]

Wow what he did is pretty insane. I'm sorry to tell you this, I know it will hurt but you need to realise he didn't care about you as much as you thought. If you loved someone there is NO WAY you would leave them hanging like that on what was going to be your last night together.

 

I think his plan was just to have a great holiday/summer romance and then carry on with his life back home. Sorry to tell you this. The best thing for you now is to move on completely and forget about him. Block him on everything otherwise this "confusion" about how his feelings changed so quickly are going to haunt you for a long time.

[Diezel]

Thank you for your message. It has been three days of no contact (and feels like 3 months). I no longer feel the impulsive need to go to Italy but I still feel the need to talk to him. I don't know why, I feel like I need some closure…something… I thought he was the love of my life and I feel horribly upset. I don't want to chase him, I just want to hear something from him.

 

Closure happened the moment he hopped on that plane.

 

There's nothing more that needs to be said.

[carolinek7]

Closure happened the moment he hopped on that plane.

 

There's nothing more that needs to be said.

 

Thanks for your message. Hurts, but you definitely have a point. It's so hard to stop thinking about it, analysing over and over again.

 

I really don't feel like I will ever be able to open my heart to another man again, nor trust another man (he was so smooth, charming, adoring and told me everything I wanted to hear).

 

I have recognised and accepted my behaviour/fiery rage was unacceptable and dramatic (god only knows how much I apologised afterwards and begged him to make up/hold me/hug me) but if he has indeed simply packed off to Italy and never contacts me again that is unforgivable and callous.