Getting out of NC

[EJS1993]

So me and my ex broke up almost 4 months ago. I've done some pretty desperate things to try and get back with her - she is the love of my life (cliche I know) - and we've now been in NC for about 6 weeks now, and I've let her know that I'd like to just talk, but I haven't heard anything back. And yes I have used NC to really work on myself and the last thing I want is to go back to the relationship we had, it wasn't bad in anyway, it just wasn't really balanced. I've been working on bettering myself for myself, and myself and the people around me have noticed the difference. I'm just wondering as to how I go about trying to get back into contact with her and trying to start a fresh, without coming off as desperate and needy.

I've looked at all the things that went wrong and what I did, so I've learnt many lessons along the way. I'm just seeing if there is a way I can convince her that a second chance/fresh start will be better than the first try.

[quattrob]

I highly doubt 6 weeks of NC has changed you, it takes time and effort to change and improve yourself. Based on your post, you only realized the things you need to improve and change but you haven't done anything to fix it. It's good to realize it but change/improving really takes time and effort.

 

You need patience with these things and I understand you really want to give the relationship with your ex another chance but I think you need more time. You just sound like all talk and no action. Focus on yourself for now, you're not ready to reach out.

[Satu]

After four months since your breakup, it would be best for you to just accept that it really is over.

 

If she'd had any interest in reconciling with you she would have let you know before now.

 

Be aware that acting desperate and needy pushes people away more than almost anything else.

 

Try to resolve that behaviour in yourself, so that it doesn't cause a problem in future relationships.

 

 

Take care.

[EJS1993]

Yes it has been 6 weeks of NC, but I'd been working on better myself for longer than that. Like outside the break up I've been dealing with other issues and seeing people about it. I've been working on progressing in my proactive ability at work and my own meditation and self awareness outside of that. So I'd like to point out you have no clue on my actions to move forward with myself, so please don't assume I'm all words.

And yes maybe close to 4 months is too long to try and work things out, but I'd feel like I just gave up to easily if I didn't really give this a second chance to work. It would be like someone with OCD not finishing a puzzle.

As for the acting desperate and needy I'm aware that that pushes people away more than anything, that's kinda what I'm trying to reverse here.

So short answer, I'm looking for help with this, not advice to move on.

Cheers.

[PegNosePete]

You said you've already got back into contact with her, but she isn't responding.

 

Can't get blood out of a stone bro.

 

If she doesn't want to talk to you then you can't exactly hold a gun to her head and force her.

 

I'd recommend you don't smack your head against a brick wall, and get back to the NC.

[Chronograph]

After four months since your breakup, it would be best for you to just accept that it really is over.

 

If she'd had any interest in reconciling with you she would have let you know before now.

 

I read somewhere that reconciling either happens very quickly after the breakup (so hours or a day after the breakup, cause the dumper realizes the mistake and how confused he was and so on) OR it can only happen after a long long period of time of not hearing from one another. So, a year or longer. Because this gives both parties enough time to change, learn, grow and maybe they meet again, or one of them gets in touch and you can take things from there. And to me it kind of makes sense. Either the dumpers realize very quickly or they do after a long time. (Or, of course, they never realize anything, I'm fully aware of this possibility, too).

 

So I'd say 4 months might not be too long, it might be too early. (But please don't get me wrong: I'm by no means saying that the above is true for everyone. Maybe your ex will never want to talk to you or be with you again. Sadly this is the truth in ... I dunno ... 95% of all cases. So it's always best to move one, no matter what.)

[hunk]

If any reconciliation is going to happen it it must be initiated by her. There's nothing you can do. Anything you do at this point is just nails in the coffin. Please believe me. There is NOTHING you can do. Do not plan to contact her, don't even think about it. Just accept it is over. There's no "trying" or "fixing" things here, she's simply not interested in a relationship and absolutely nothing you do will change that.

 

Let's flip the roles. You've broken up with your ex because you're just not into her anymore - that's it. You're not really attracted to her much, you're bored, you want something else. You still respect and like her as a person but you also know she is heartbroken and wants you back. For you, the relationship has run it's course, but she is still in the mentality that she can "win" you back. She has not let go, while you have. The power dynamic is completely askew, you are not on equal playing fields, you are saddened by her wanting you back and there is ZERO attraction, challenge, or desire to be with her again on your part because of this. You want nothing to do with her and want her to move on, because you already have. There is nothing of the original, fresh relationship left, nothing that got you two together and kept you together for however long. Now it is just her communicating that she needs you and can't let go and carry on with her life without you. This meanwhile is magnifying and exaggerating all the reasons you broke up with her and you ultimately feel NOTHING for her but pity.

 

This is how your ex feels towards you when you contact her suggesting to meet up. I guarantee my life on it. No exceptions.

 

You need to show her you are done and don't care and have let go. By doing this you eventually will let go and that is the ONLY time she'll come around and contact you and I can almost guarantee you'll be so far done with her by this point. Please understand there's nothing you can do, and just look after yourself.

 

There is absolutely nothing anyone can proactively do to get their ex back when they have been dumped. Absolutely NOTHING. It has to come from the dumper and only the dumper. I am a complete believer of this and I've never seen anyone who's been dumped contact their ex first and it work out, only when years have past and it's apparent to both parties you've both moved on significantly.

[nellbell86]

If any reconciliation is going to happen it it must be initiated by her. There's nothing you can do. Anything you do at this point is just nails in the coffin. Please believe me. There is NOTHING you can do. Do not plan to contact her, don't even think about it. Just accept it is over. There's no "trying" or "fixing" things here, she's simply not interested in a relationship and absolutely nothing you do will change that.

 

Let's flip the roles. You've broken up with your ex because you're just not into her anymore - that's it. You're not really attracted to her much, you're bored, you want something else. You still respect and like her as a person but you also know she is heartbroken and wants you back. For you, the relationship has run it's course, but she is still in the mentality that she can "win" you back. She has not let go, while you have. The power dynamic is completely askew, you are not on equal playing fields, you are saddened by her wanting you back and there is ZERO attraction, challenge, or desire to be with her again on your part because of this. You want nothing to do with her and want her to move on, because you already have. There is nothing of the original, fresh relationship left, nothing that got you two together and kept you together for however long. Now it is just her communicating that she needs you and can't let go and carry on with her life without you. This meanwhile is magnifying and exaggerating all the reasons you broke up with her and you ultimately feel NOTHING for her but pity.

 

This is how your ex feels towards you when you contact her suggesting to meet up. I guarantee my life on it. No exceptions.

 

You need to show her you are done and don't care and have let go. By doing this you eventually will let go and that is the ONLY time she'll come around and contact you and I can almost guarantee you'll be so far done with her by this point. Please understand there's nothing you can do, and just look after yourself.

 

There is absolutely nothing anyone can proactively do to get their ex back when they have been dumped. Absolutely NOTHING. It has to come from the dumper and only the dumper. I am a complete believer of this and I've never seen anyone who's been dumped contact their ex first and it work out, only when years have past and it's apparent to both parties you've both moved on significantly.

 

This ^^^^ you have put it so well!

OP I was feeling in the same boat as you, although my time has been much shorter than yours since BU, I've thought if I give it a few more weeks, then just say hi, I'd like to catch up, etc, there cant be any harm in that, right? I've read almost every online article, talked to a counsellor, written pros and cons, written out the things I need to work on and how I'm going to work on them and started on that, I really feel like I've changed alot and he'd really be happy with the 'new me' and I just need the chance to show him. But what hunk has said makes so much sense about it that its completely changed my thinking now, and I think I'm just going to continue on and see if he contacts me. I suppose you need to think as well, she's the one who left you, so she KNOWS how much you still love her and want to be with her. If she wants to pursue that or reconcile in any way, she already knows you'd be willing, so waiting for her to make the move, if she does, really is the best, otherwise you're going to go straight back to looking needy/desperate in her eyes, no matter how casually you word it or how you approach her.

[hunk]

It basically comes down to the fact that contacting someone who dumped you does not show them anything other than that you are still hung up on them. Nothing whatsoever. No matter how much you've "improved" or whatever, this has no bearing on their feelings or interest towards you. They don't care that you've fixed your personal issues, in fact you telling them this is, in their eyes, pathetic and a huge turnoff. They don't care or want to hear from you, it's simple as that. It's literally trying to bargain with another person and like ... buy ... their attraction, we delude ourselves into thinking our contact looks "cool and light", but really it is just "hey look at me you dumped me and told me you don't want me in your life anymore and you're screwing other people but i cannot exist without you so that means you should want me back" - and we completely forget what got us with them in the first place, which was the equal playing field and mutual attraction between two independent individuals with their own important and separate personal lives.

[quattrob]

Yes it has been 6 weeks of NC, but I'd been working on better myself for longer than that. Like outside the break up I've been dealing with other issues and seeing people about it. I've been working on progressing in my proactive ability at work and my own meditation and self awareness outside of that. So I'd like to point out you have no clue on my actions to move forward with myself, so please don't assume I'm all words.

And yes maybe close to 4 months is too long to try and work things out, but I'd feel like I just gave up to easily if I didn't really give this a second chance to work. It would be like someone with OCD not finishing a puzzle.

As for the acting desperate and needy I'm aware that that pushes people away more than anything, that's kinda what I'm trying to reverse here.

So short answer, I'm looking for help with this, not advice to move on.

Cheers.

 

 

 

I think you misunderstood my post, what I'm saying is that you might be doing things to improve and better yourself but you "reaching" out and telling her with words isn't going to do anything but make you look desperate and not to mention 4 month isn't going to make her believe that you've changed drastically especially if you only started NC 6 weeks ago.

 

 

And I am not telling you to move on, where did I say that in my post? I advised you to keep focusing on yourself for now as you're not ready to reach out. You and her need more time, like I said patience and time is something you need. No need to feel offended because you misinterpreted what my post meant and it speaks to me how desperate you want to get back with her.

[EJS1993]

I think you misunderstood my post, what I'm saying is that you might be doing things to improve and better yourself but you "reaching" out and telling her with words isn't going to do anything but make you look desperate and not to mention 4 month isn't going to make her believe that you've changed drastically especially if you only started NC 6 weeks ago.

 

 

And I am not telling you to move on, where did I say that in my post? I advised you to keep focusing on yourself for now as you're not ready to reach out. You and her need more time, like I said patience and time is something you need. No need to feel offended because you misinterpreted what my post meant and it speaks to me how desperate you want to get back with her.

 

Thank you for clearing that up. It seems like it was a bit of miscommunication and it seemed like your post read a that way to me. As for the moving me on it was not directed to you as more of a general statement.

[Satu]

You are assuming that your question has a workable answer.

 

It might not.

 

If I asked you how to levitate, what would your answer be?

[EJS1993]

You are assuming that your question has a workable answer.

 

It might not.

 

If I asked you how to levitate, what would your answer be?

 

I feel like that is completely irrelevant to this situation... Physics is nothing like relationships.

[bibi123]

It basically comes down to the fact that contacting someone who dumped you does not show them anything other than that you are still hung up on them. Nothing whatsoever. No matter how much you've "improved" or whatever, this has no bearing on their feelings or interest towards you. They don't care that you've fixed your personal issues, in fact you telling them this is, in their eyes, pathetic and a huge turnoff. They don't care or want to hear from you, it's simple as that. It's literally trying to bargain with another person and like ... buy ... their attraction, we delude ourselves into thinking our contact looks "cool and light", but really it is just "hey look at me you dumped me and told me you don't want me in your life anymore and you're screwing other people but i cannot exist without you so that means you should want me back" - and we completely forget what got us with them in the first place, which was the equal playing field and mutual attraction between two independent individuals with their own important and separate personal lives.

 

So well put HUNK! I definitely need you advise...Please check out my recent post. I'll highly appreciate your point of view http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/544492-meeting-ex-after-8-months

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

I feel like that is completely irrelevant to this situation... Physics is nothing like relationships.

 

Time to accept it's over.She clearly doesn't want what you want, so there is nothing that can be done. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. Probably lost a bunch Of respect for the begging and everything, but don't beat yourself up over it as most have done the same.

 

Soon, you'll realize all of your sadness and depression you're feeling is self induced. You'll be mad that you spent all this time worrying about someone who doesn't feel the same. Just embrace it, remember how this feels,and make sure you cherish the good times in your life. Honestly,that's all you can do.

[Liono84]

If any reconciliation is going to happen it it must be initiated by her. There's nothing you can do. Anything you do at this point is just nails in the coffin. Please believe me. There is NOTHING you can do. Do not plan to contact her, don't even think about it. Just accept it is over. There's no "trying" or "fixing" things here, she's simply not interested in a relationship and absolutely nothing you do will change that.

 

Let's flip the roles. You've broken up with your ex because you're just not into her anymore - that's it. You're not really attracted to her much, you're bored, you want something else. You still respect and like her as a person but you also know she is heartbroken and wants you back. For you, the relationship has run it's course, but she is still in the mentality that she can "win" you back. She has not let go, while you have. The power dynamic is completely askew, you are not on equal playing fields, you are saddened by her wanting you back and there is ZERO attraction, challenge, or desire to be with her again on your part because of this. You want nothing to do with her and want her to move on, because you already have. There is nothing of the original, fresh relationship left, nothing that got you two together and kept you together for however long. Now it is just her communicating that she needs you and can't let go and carry on with her life without you. This meanwhile is magnifying and exaggerating all the reasons you broke up with her and you ultimately feel NOTHING for her but pity.

 

This is how your ex feels towards you when you contact her suggesting to meet up. I guarantee my life on it. No exceptions.

 

You need to show her you are done and don't care and have let go. By doing this you eventually will let go and that is the ONLY time she'll come around and contact you and I can almost guarantee you'll be so far done with her by this point. Please understand there's nothing you can do, and just look after yourself.

 

There is absolutely nothing anyone can proactively do to get their ex back when they have been dumped. Absolutely NOTHING. It has to come from the dumper and only the dumper. I am a complete believer of this and I've never seen anyone who's been dumped contact their ex first and it work out, only when years have past and it's apparent to both parties you've both moved on significantly.

 

^^^^^ Very well said. I love how you broke it down and this is the truth!!

I was wondering, if you broke the NC rule on the same day you got dumped by calling/texting in trying to reconcile hours after, does that still look bad from the Dumpers perspective or is that okay? (Been NC since).