AncientMirror Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Hi everybody. I briefly dated an older male this Spring. The gentleman is a neighbor of mine. He seemed to want commitment very quickly, after 3 or 4 dates he began having very mature conversations, expressing the desire to help me out with my business and even asking me about the possibility of living in another state. He wanted me also to help him make decisions at times about his household I.e what type of car he should get or pets. I enjoyed his companionship, but was reluctant to make such decisions yet, we were just getting to know eachother as I saw it. I began to see flares of temper in him, he was having some trouble with his family and also his career, i had normalized his behavior as stress-related. He then began to act highly critical of me and seemed easily irritated, when I confronted him about this behavior he said he was tense because he felt like his feelings for me were "unrequited." I tried to assure him that I cared about him, hugging and kissing him to pieces as I tried to explain. It seemed we became more intimate physically and emotionally that day. I thought all was well-- I had to run out to an appointment but thought I would come back to his place later that night and stay over with him. However whenever I tried to contact him after that either by phone or email he would say he wanted "solitude" and wouldn't talk to me, he would never end the relationship but say he just needed some time alone to think for a little while longer. I respected his wishes but after long absences I began to worry about his well-being. I would try to go by and see him but he was never there, or wasn't opening the door if he was. I wasn't going to break up with him, I actually felt sorry for him but I never heard anything more from him after months. So I moved on. I ran into him out of the blue today as I was going somewhere else. I have not seen him since May. I said hello to him snd asked him how he was doing and he made a sigh, looked away and said "same old same old..." Since last I was around him he complained of problems with his career, his siblings as well as medical issues this did not sound good at all, I told him "I was sorry to hear that." And he said sarcastically "thanks" and slammed the door to the building in my face. I stood there for a second very surprised. I thought the best way to handle an encounter with an ex was to be polite, I was trying adhere to the rules of making it quick and painless. I walked behind him and asked him "what's wrong?" He yelled back in a deliberately mocking tone if voice "sorry to hear that" as he stomped off. I told him that I said that because he seemed very sad and I was worried about him, and asked him to come back. He snatched off without another word. I think his reaction was irrational, especially considering how much time has past since I have seen him. And also very mean. He is the one who broke up with me. I tried to be civil to him but he will have none of it. I don't have any feelings for him anymore, but would like to know what I should do if I run into him again. We live in close proximity so that is a strong possibility. I don't want to deal with his emotion baggage. I am in counseling right now because I have a tendency towards anxiety. I don't like confrontation and can't have him or anybody making outbursts around me, I'm rather shy and my nerves can't take it. My heart was literally pounding for hours afterward because of the way he screamed at me. Is there anything I can do.
PegNosePete Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I would simply ignore him. He obviously is not interested in any kind of relationship with you, even a civil platonic neighbourly one. You can't force him to be nice. Just ignore him. 2
AlurOne Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I have a situation with some similarities... Was seeing my neighbor (directly across the hall) for a bit, she is almost 10 years younger, things didn't work out, and now we just ignore eachother. That is not my choice, I want to be friendly/cordial and at least respect the neighbor dynamic, but she won't have that. I did nothing offensive or hurtful, I guess she just lost interest in seeing me... That happens, but I don't understand the hostility/ignoring. It's bad vibes in my building and that sucks. My advice is to continue being friendly and say hi when you see him in passing, but don't try to stop or approach him. He might continue to ignore you, but at least you're not changing your behavior. 1
Author AncientMirror Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 AlurOne, Your situation does sound a lot like mind. I really don't want to live or work in an environment with negativity and worry either. I'm sorry your ex is being unnecessarily rude to you, i don't underdstnd this attitude mine is striking either. What is he so angry about? If I had tried to put some moves on him that would be one thing... but nobody is asking to be in a relationship with him. Maybe that's the problem? His reaction was so emotional i'm beginning to think he wants some attention. Anyway best not to give it to him if so. I'm really hoping I don't run into his energy again, but that's not a realistic expectation. My personality is pretty soft and feely so if I run smack dab into him going through a door at the same time I will probably nod my head or wave on reflex, but like you said I'll never stop and talk again. If we're at a distance- he's pulling into the bank or in the other side of the shopping center picking up some Chinese take-out I will just look the other way, not notice he's there. Thank you for sharing your experiences if anyone else has some advice as well feel free to write in. 1
Author AncientMirror Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Thanks Pegnosepete, After he strormed off I thought of writing him a letter, explaining that I was just trying to be polite and hoping we could live in a calm environment together and that he is my neighbor. I did not write the letter because I was afraid of how we would write back, if he did at all. After reading your response I think yeah I definitely don't want to send him anything. Like you said I can't force him to be mature. Ignoring him is always safest. Thank you, Thread is still open for tips and experiences if anyone else wants to jump in.
AlurOne Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 AlurOne, Your situation does sound a lot like mind. I really don't want to live or work in an environment with negativity and worry either. I'm sorry your ex is being unnecessarily rude to you, i don't underdstnd this attitude mine is striking either. What is he so angry about? If I had tried to put some moves on him that would be one thing... but nobody is asking to be in a relationship with him. Maybe that's the problem? His reaction was so emotional i'm beginning to think he wants some attention. Anyway best not to give it to him if so. I'm really hoping I don't run into his energy again, but that's not a realistic expectation. My personality is pretty soft and feely so if I run smack dab into him going through a door at the same time I will probably nod my head or wave on reflex, but like you said I'll never stop and talk again. If we're at a distance- he's pulling into the bank or in the other side of the shopping center picking up some Chinese take-out I will just look the other way, not notice he's there. Thank you for sharing your experiences if anyone else has some advice as well feel free to write in. Sounds to me he was hoping for more than he got from you, whether warranted or not. Then for whatever reason he struck up the hostile attitude because he's got some immaturity about it all. And harnessing the negative energy where you live is just frustrating and unnecessary, this I know from my experience. 1
Author AncientMirror Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) Sounds to me he was hoping for more than he got from you, whether warranted or not. Then for whatever reason he struck up the hostile attitude because he's got some immaturity about it all. And harnessing the negative energy where you live is just frustrating and unnecessary, this I know from my experience. Thank you for responding again, and for sympathizing. I agree with you about his motivation. The sad thing is I would have given him whatever it was he was hoping for. There was once a time where I would have continued a romantic relationship with him, and up until that performance last week I could still have seen myself having a friendship with him, if not an intimate partnership any longer. I had felt sorry for him, but my patience has run out. When we were together I thought one of the good things about the relationship was that I was with a man who was very experienced, a divorcee. Like in the relationship you were in previously AlurOne, there was an age gap between us, ours was definitely larger than 10 years. I was the younger one in this situation. However, as I look at him I am in disbelief that he has so many years on me. I told myself he cannot be serious. I honestly had hoped he would not continue to act this way towards me, I said he would realize that this was a foolish and petty way for a man or woman to behave and be more respectful next time we saw one another, but no such luck I ran into him today, he was trying to walk really fast as I exited the door-- that is what actually made me notice him, because he looked so conspicuous trying to get out of doge. I just saw a red shirt, khakis and feet running, it was almost like a cartoon where you can see the dust kicking up behind somebody as they run away, think road runner. I saw him smiled at him and said hello to him in a friendly way, he slowed down-- with a sour face and walked off, giving me the silent treatment. This is a game for 12 year olds. I do feel a little sad that any relationship has degenerated to such a parody of its former self. But I try to laugh about how immature he is acting (literally pretending I am invisible) so that I do not take it too seriously, I don't want to let him hurt me or spoil my mood, which is what he probably wants to do. I've been otherwise really happy lately. I have an opportunity for a job position that would relocate me and provide me with a new residence in November if I am fortunate enough to be selected. I am really hopeful about this endeavor, and I have to admit-- being in a situation where I am not likely to run into my ex would be an added bonus. Here's looking at the future! Good luck to everyone in their romantic endeavors. Thanks for all your help, Edited September 2, 2015 by AncientMirror
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