brokengirl85 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 What happens when you realize you're no longer desirable for the ex? I feel crushed because, even though things were clear and I knew he was not in love with me, he is excited about someone else. It's like someone is grabbing my heart indie my chest, and punching it, stabbing it and the blood runs freely. It's like I'm slowly dying. I've been more than five months no contact. Not dating right now, I'm not interested in meeting new people, it's all very painful. He's moved on and I don't know what happens next...
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I was in your same position 2 months ago. Broke up with her in January. We kept in contact, door was open for me to reconcile. I never walked through it. 2 months ago I find out she's dating someone else. I never wanted her back but knowing she was there was comforting. I saw one pic of her on fb with her new bf (when I went to unfriend her) and I'll admit it hurt. Then I'd think to myself "I'm so much more awesome than she is how does she find someone before me". Truth is she's beautiful and BPD so she knows how to act during the courting period. I'm sure she'll have the same issues with her new bf as she had with me and other guys. But that's no longer my concern. I focused on myself. Got in great shape. Read a lot of books. Hooked up with a couple of girls (have a F buddy). Not ready or actively looking for a new relationship at this point. Point is give it time. Focus on you. Don't worry about him and his new relationship. It's over. If you haven't already you need to go full no contact. Delete his number/text history and most importantly any social media. Take my word on this, the initial NC hurts and there's always going to be a side of you that's curious but for your own good it's best to do this now instead of torturing yourself. 1
Author brokengirl85 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 I was in your same position 2 months ago. Broke up with her in January. We kept in contact, door was open for me to reconcile. I never walked through it. 2 months ago I find out she's dating someone else. I never wanted her back but knowing she was there was comforting. I saw one pic of her on fb with her new bf (when I went to unfriend her) and I'll admit it hurt. Then I'd think to myself "I'm so much more awesome than she is how does she find someone before me". Truth is she's beautiful and BPD so she knows how to act during the courting period. I'm sure she'll have the same issues with her new bf as she had with me and other guys. But that's no longer my concern. I focused on myself. Got in great shape. Read a lot of books. Hooked up with a couple of girls (have a F buddy). Not ready or actively looking for a new relationship at this point. Point is give it time. Focus on you. Don't worry about him and his new relationship. It's over. If you haven't already you need to go full no contact. Delete his number/text history and most importantly any social media. Take my word on this, the initial NC hurts and there's always going to be a side of you that's curious but for your own good it's best to do this now instead of torturing yourself. Hey there, I'm focusing on myself right now but today I searched for him online and...well. I shouldn't have done that. The fact he's interested in someone else hurts me very bad. I'm glad you're doing food and you have a fwb right now. I hope you fully recover and I hope I'll be ok too. Can't wait to forget about all this
icyfeline Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I'm focusing on myself right now but today I searched for him online and...well. I shouldn't have done that. The fact he's interested in someone else hurts me very bad. Stalking the ex online never results in anything good. I did it obsessively & it made me miserable. What if's are never answered, & the more you find out, the more you'll want to know - you'll analyze every little detail & drive yourself insane. As difficult as it is, do your very best to erase him from your life. You will feel better in time & slowly find things that make you happy again. The only person you can control is you, so may as well do your best in making it count. 2
kenmore Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 It's painful when you find out they have moved on. I have moved on and she only knows because I told her "back when" (in April) that I was taking another lady to the ballet. I only told her that because I won the tickets and was "catching up on our lives." At the time I thought we were done because she must have told me that over a dozen times. I assumed it wouldn't matter to her...it did. Similarly, when we were apart, she "defriended" me and that hurt, but one time while looking at my step-daughter's profile (her daughter), I saw a reference that FB hadn't scrubbed where she said something to someone about why are they judging her when they have this issue going on themselves. It reeked of some new relationship and "surprise!" it's not going well. I admit to occasionally looking for fragments but since she defriended me and blocked me in every social avenue, it's easier and I don't put much effort into it usually. I feel fortunate that I don't need as much will power, there are road blocks everywhere! Maybe you should set up those roadblocks. My ex is smart but she's only moderately tech savvy. If she can do it, I think most people can. It may be worth the effort because I believe it works both ways. Once blocked, you can't look without unblocking him and that's good! You're crushed inside, I understand! It hurts! It will get better. The more you ignore, the more you abhor (sorry, that's dumb but there's truth in it. ) I am finally at a point (a year and a month later) where I feel I could turn her down if she wanted to reconcile. I still love her and I feel I always will but I have grown to believe she doesn't love me so how could I go back to that? Just being honest... I'm sorry you're hurting so much, I know exactly how you feel! Keep your mind off him. Find work to distract you. I know you can't concentrate now but that should come in a couple more months. Then use that to keep your mind occupied. Also, look on this side of it: You are gaining strength and experience. You will go on to a better relationship, someone who loves you and wants to give you what you offer to them. That was what I wanted! I didn't find it this time around, next time I'll be more attuned to it. I wish you comfort and peace. I know those are just words but I really think they are what you need. I hope you find them. My best! Ken
Author brokengirl85 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Thank you all for your kind replies. I want to text him right now. I drink some glasses of wine and cannot stand the pain. I want to text him. Still, I'm gonna go to sleep and I hope I won't have this urges tomorrow
Vercetti Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Don't text or have any contact, stop checking him out online, stop giving a crap what's going on in his life. Don't feed his ego or become a joke. Me when wife that left me found out I was with someone, she sent me all kinds of crazy texts. Who is the girl, how did I encounter her, what does she look like. Stupid me though my ex left me what the Heck. Anyhow my point, showed the flood of texts to my girlfriend ( wife now) laughing saying " told you she was crazy ." Never replied...my ex even wanted to have a talk with my girlfriend. DONT put yourself out like that.
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Hey there, I'm focusing on myself right now but today I searched for him online and...well. I shouldn't have done that. The fact he's interested in someone else hurts me very bad. I'm glad you're doing food and you have a fwb right now. I hope you fully recover and I hope I'll be ok too. Can't wait to forget about all this He knows how to get in contact with you if he wants to reconcile. Don't reach out, all you're doing is stroking his ego. Move on. Stop torturing yourself by stalking him online. You're just prolonging your misery. Like I said, initially it sucks but once you get to a good place you'll see NC was the best choice you could make. Seriously, rip the band aid off fast. Don't think about it. Delete him from your life (number, texts, social media). Move on. 2 months ago I was a mess now I have girls hitting on me. You'll be surprised how fast you can "forget all about this". 1
MissBee Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 What happens when you realize you're no longer desirable for the ex? I feel crushed because, even though things were clear and I knew he was not in love with me, he is excited about someone else. It's like someone is grabbing my heart indie my chest, and punching it, stabbing it and the blood runs freely. It's like I'm slowly dying. I've been more than five months no contact. Not dating right now, I'm not interested in meeting new people, it's all very painful. He's moved on and I don't know what happens next... What happens next is that you'll eventually move on too. Trust me. Most well-adjusted people move on from their ex in due time and love again. There will be a day where he is just a distant memory and you have no emotions toward him...trust me. I've BTDT. I came to Loveshack for the first time (different username) about 6 years ago because of a breakup where I was distraught, and although I was sort of NC, I was still looking at his social media and driving myself nuts, and he got about 3 or 4 gfs after we broke up, and it was all quite painful...but today? I don't care one bit. He's now married, maybe about 3 years now, and I had no feelings whatsoever about it when I found out by accident. He started following me on Instagram about two months ago quite randomly, as I have not spoken to him or seen him in 5 years, he now even lives in another country, and I'm like why? I don't follow him back. Not out of anything malicious but that's just how disinterested I am in his life. But back when I first got to LS I could not have imagined no longer caring or that I'd be able to love again...but I don't care at all and I had other relationships after and I loved again. All that to say. It sucks yes. It's hard to see beyond it while in it. I mean, even though I have the experience of moving on after a breakup, I'm human and also know that for a while you are so lost in the hurt that you truly start to believe it will never end and this is the ONLY person you will love...but that's almost never true and you just have to remind yourself that you will eventually come out the other side. But you have to be kind to yourself by being in TOTAL NC and avoiding looking into or hearing about his life and focus on you. That helps A LOT! Him being into someone else is normal...you will eventually be too. Just focus on doing things for you and take your emotional energy off him, as trust me, not contacting the person is only part of it, you also have to consciously invest emotional energy elsewhere because if you just don't talk to them but stalk their social media or worry about them and their life everyday or still hear about them secondhand from friends, it defeats the whole purpose.
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