He Didn't Fall In Love With Me

[seeingthisguy]

I was dating this guy for 6 months, things were great. Over the last couple of months, he seemed really distant. I asked if everything was okay, he said "of course". Yesterday, I told him things just seemed off - he's been bailing on all of our plans, and I said maybe we should just go back to being friends. He then decided to tell me over text that the reason he's been distant is because he "didn't fall in love with me".

 

In short, I'm devastated. We've been sleeping together, and I feel dumb because he could've just been honest with me months ago, and I can't stop crying over it. I feel like he used me. And then decided to tell me he "didnt fall in love with me" VIA TEXT MESSAGE?

 

What is wrong with people. How do I let go of this? I feel so hurt.

[Jules Dash]

Some people just have trouble speaking with people face to face. We live in a new ear where people have so many easy options to avoid face-to-face confrontations that they just use them and take the easy way out. Don't take it personal. It probably says nothing about you and more about him as someone who was just afraid.

 

These sort of situations are often complicated. Why didn't he tell you months ago? He was probably giving the relationship a chance rather than give up on it so quickly. If he threw in the towel months ago the title of your thread would probably be "he didn't give himself a chance to fall in love with me."

[seeingthisguy]

Some people just have trouble speaking with people face to face. We live in a new ear where people have so many easy options to avoid face-to-face confrontations that they just use them and take the easy way out. Don't take it personal. It probably says nothing about you and more about him as someone who was just afraid.

 

These sort of situations are often complicated. Why didn't he tell you months ago? He was probably giving the relationship a chance rather than give up on it so quickly. If he threw in the towel months ago the title of your thread would probably be "he didn't give himself a chance to fall in love with me."

 

The reason I say I feel like I was used is because of the 6 months we dated, he'd make plans with me say 4 times per month, and bail on 3/4. So we'd only end up seeing eachother once a month. To be honest, I don't even think he gave it a chance; I think he wanted to see me when it was convenient for him just for the sex. In retrospect anyway, that's how it seems. We didn't spend near enough time together to really get to know eachother - it was so physical. And every time I tried to get closer, he'd start acting strange and back off.

 

I'll level with you all - this post is more because I need to vent and cry than anything.

[Versacehottie]

I'm sorry. Just know in some time you will feel better.

 

When you gave more detail in your second post on this thread, I saw some things you could do next time around so this doesn't happen to you again. I don't know if you are ready to hear it and it's in no way meant to tear you down. We learn from our mistakes though and you have a chance of going through this again unless you deal with the things on your end that contributed to this scenario. Let me know if you want help analyzing this stuff. Now or later, but definitely you can make some proactive changes that should help your results.

 

I agree with the person above that he was probably giving it time to see if it "took", at least partially. In order to feel better, look at the silver lining that you got that chance (rather than didn't) and will probably learn some good lessons for you personally that will help you with the next guy.

[seeingthisguy]

Let's here it - I can take it. Also: love that Jhene Aiko track. Story of my life at the moment.

[Versacehottie]

Let's here it - I can take it. Also: love that Jhene Aiko track. Story of my life at the moment.

 

well you are the first one who got the origin of my little quote. I do think pride is responsible for a lot of the sh*t that goes on and errors that are made within dating. ok i will look at again and post.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I was dating this guy for 6 months, things were great. Over the last couple of months, he seemed really distant. I asked if everything was okay, he said "of course". Yesterday, I told him things just seemed off - he's been bailing on all of our plans, and I said maybe we should just go back to being friends. He then decided to tell me over text that the reason he's been distant is because he "didn't fall in love with me".

 

In short, I'm devastated. We've been sleeping together, and I feel dumb because he could've just been honest with me months ago, and I can't stop crying over it. I feel like he used me. And then decided to tell me he "didnt fall in love with me" VIA TEXT MESSAGE?

 

What is wrong with people. How do I let go of this? I feel so hurt.

 

 

He didn't use you, but I can kind of understand why you feel that way. It was a pretty cowardly thing to just text you that he "didn't fall in love" with you but some people are wired like that.

 

As far as how you let go of it? There is no step-by-step guide for this sort of thing but as cliche as it obviously is, time really does heal all wounds. Obviously it sucks, tremendously! when you meet someone, spend time with them, sleep with them, etc and find they weren't into you at all but the truth is, you really can't win everyone. You really kinda do just have to go through the grieving process, crying and all, until you come out on the other side.

[Ami1uwant]

Sorry this happened but I think he really likes you but something is missing where he doesn't feel love with you. Sometimes thus can be read incorrectly if in the past he had a certain feeling of being in love but with you it wasn't there anymore or didn't appear.

 

He as afraid to hurt you by telling you this.

[Versacehottie]

The reason I say I feel like I was used is because of the 6 months we dated, he'd make plans with me say 4 times per month, and bail on 3/4. So we'd only end up seeing eachother once a month. To be honest, I don't even think he gave it a chance; I think he wanted to see me when it was convenient for him just for the sex. In retrospect anyway, that's how it seems. We didn't spend near enough time together to really get to know eachother - it was so physical. And every time I tried to get closer, he'd start acting strange and back off.

 

I'll level with you all - this post is more because I need to vent and cry than anything.

 

Ok, tough love. If he was bailing on you 3 out of 4, you need to nip that in the bud right away. Only give what you get. First cancellation: consider if you want to continue AT ALL but no matter what pull back. You really need to see what true level of effort a person puts in. That's how you don't end up hurt--well not a guarantee but accepting this sh*t is a guarantee you will end up hurt. He was treating you like a back up option the entire time. I know how it is easy to fall into the trap. You want time with him so he can see how great you are; you figure if he doesn't know you how will he be able to make that decision. The big BUT is that you are teaching him about yourself each time you accept "less than" offers. Unfortunately, even with your good intentions, it gives off a desperate or a doormat vibe which then loses his attraction for you. Also according to your math, you went out about 6 times. Is that enough for you over that length of time? Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you think is reasonable. As if you are advising a good friend.

 

You should have kept dating others since he was giving you very little. You may have found someone else who treated you better and not wasted much time at all. Also can't stress enough that when your life is full (and when you are dating others especially even though you do not tell him) they can feel it. It's something they sense and it helps you be in the driver's seat. On top of that, you truly get to compare behavior of guys and bad behavior doesn't slide by so easily.

 

You are under no obligation to have sex. He wants to take the emotional part slow, then maybe you take the sex part slow so you don't get overly attached. A guy who likes you for you won't mind waiting. Well he might not have waited 6 months but what he would have done is speed up the number of times he asked to see you over that time period and wouldn't have cancelled. If you hold out (not as a withholding sex thing) but to protect yourself and suss out someone's true intentions, people have a chance to know you for other reasons and the dates don't become so single focused. Just tell them that you like to take things slower. Good guys don't have a problem with this and bad guys disappear when you say this. Most guys are actually not bad guys but they get confused when we don't treat ourselves well. Do not feel like you can't and shouldn't insist on a date activity EACH AND EVERY TIME you see each other at 6 dates or in the non-exclusive stage. Especially with someone who is dating you in a "casual" way, meaning big gaps of time where he is probably dating others or has other priorities and has placed you at a low priority. If you are not exclusive, there is no reason to just hang out at his/your house. That is giving him gf experience when he is not giving you bf experience. Just a little comedy but it applies.

 

*If someone has you at a low priority, it may be ok for a very short period of time but then additional dates past the first couple, you should be growing in importance in that person's life and in priority. Relationships progress. Being used usually exhibits itself as regression from the first couple of times. Big caution with the "priority" thing. Don't fool yourself. For example, if you met on a dating site or app, that is supposedly his purpose as it is yours, so the priority should increase pretty rapidly otherwise he is not being honest about his intentions (either to himself or you or both). If it has happened a little more organically, basically same thing--I would give it a bit more leeway just because the purpose of dating you was not SO upfront; however I truly believe when people meeting in real life, the progression usually goes along more easily because the connection is real not forced as from a dating site. Well it should so expect that standard to happen, ie if you meet through friends, work or he is compelled enough to ask you out at starbucks or a show or something.

 

Hardest part that will be to decipher from what you said is that if you try to get closer and he backs off. That could happen because he was guilty or annoyed because it didn't match his purpose or even good guys with good intentions sometimes get freaked out by us trying to get closer to them. Just keep it balanced. If they don't react well to something you do or say that should bring you closer, pull back and let them come to you on the next one. Speak up when it's appropriate (not irrational), ie act like you matter and are a part of this relationship too from day one, even if he gets to lead. The connection should always be progressing and he should be asking about your life and trying to make you happy when you spend time together. Anything less is really not worth it and to take care of yourself, you need to be willing to walk. That is another vibe they tend to pick up on really easily and makes you 100 times more attractive. Ok good luck.

 

*oops I forgot to add, as I say it on here all the time: even seemingly bad occurances are an opportunity to teach someone something valuable about yourself, ie a cancelled date, presumes pushover, disrespect. Well perfect opportunity to show him you are not!

Edited August 24, 2015 by Versacehottie

[seeingthisguy]

I agree with everything you said.

 

When I got his "I've been distant because I didn't fall in love with you," text, as upset as I was, I told him I knew something was up, and I hated the way things were, and I wanted to go back to being just friends. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't happy with the way I was being treated, and I'm not an idiot. I told him I didn't fall in love with him either, and said "are we good?"

 

I think he was surprised, and almost a bit upset...

 

In any case, now I'm taking space. Maybe I did fall in love with him, but at this point, I refused to let him know that.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with everything you said.

 

When I got his "I've been distant because I didn't fall in love with you," text, as upset as I was, I told him I knew something was up, and I hated the way things were, and I wanted to go back to being just friends. I wanted to make it clear that I wasn't happy with the way I was being treated, and I'm not an idiot. I told him I didn't fall in love with him either, and said "are we good?"

 

I think he was surprised, and almost a bit upset...

 

In any case, now I'm taking space. Maybe I did fall in love with him, but at this point, I refused to let him know that.

 

Well I'm answering this part, just off my gut (not my logical romantic advice), I think this was good to do. I think it's your best chance of a future with him if he was to turn things around and personally I always like to create most options for myself (it's human nature!). As I say on this site all the time, I think people get into this situation is because they are too nice and accommodating so your answer was probably a big wake up call for him. There is some great satisfaction of walking away (no matter what happens in future, ie not strategizing for having another chance with him) with your head held high and turning his perception of you upside down. Little kick in the pants for someone who could have done you better.

 

I mean not that he would have been obligated to fall in love or give you a real chance that way but with a lackluster effort of 3 out 4 cancellations, he obviously already knew some sort of answer right up front and should have been man enough to do the right thing. I think he knew because it shows in his actions. He may not have wanted to admit it, such as if you were prior friends he may have felt more obligated or if he was dense enough not to understand it from his own actions. Oh I also forgot to say above: don't ever chase a guy. You did not say if you did this or not. I tend to think there must have been some element of it whether it was initiating calls or texts because otherwise how does one find themselves in this situation (where he is canceling that many dates).

 

"Are we good?" is priceless!!! That was a good one. Ok hang in there. I realize that when this happens to people it can be hard to swing the other way on the next guy and be more upfront with what you expect etc but you might try that. My rec is to start dating right away. Cycle through them.

[seeingthisguy]

Lol, I'm not going to lie to you, my response felt great. I just thought, "how dare he assume that i fell in love with him and his ridiculous behaviour?!"

 

And I agree - my goal with that was to make him think. Even though I said lets go back to being friends, I won't be texting him at ALL unless he texts first. He needs to miss me.

 

But in the meantime (and I am not waiting)... I will be "cycling through," as you would say lol

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't really think hanging out once a month qualifies as "seeing" someone, if I may be perfectly honest. It sounds to me like he wanted to keep it very casual from the get-go but you wanted more. Perhaps he wanted to let you indirectly it wasn't going anywhere serious by not following through on more frequent get-toegthers, but when he saw you were investing more and wanting to see him more, he texted you that last message.

 

I know it hurts. In the future, when someone is content just hanging out and sleeping together maybe once a month, you'll now know that the old cliche is true: he's just not that into you.

[Redhead14]

The reason I say I feel like I was used is because of the 6 months we dated, he'd make plans with me say 4 times per month, and bail on 3/4. So we'd only end up seeing eachother once a month. To be honest, I don't even think he gave it a chance; I think he wanted to see me when it was convenient for him just for the sex. In retrospect anyway, that's how it seems. We didn't spend near enough time together to really get to know eachother - it was so physical. And every time I tried to get closer, he'd start acting strange and back off.

 

I'll level with you all - this post is more because I need to vent and cry than anything.

 

This is the typical behavior of a man with a fear of intimacy and/or a man who has a fear of commitment. They are not, however, the same thing.

 

We didn't spend near enough time together to really get to know eachother - it was so physical. And every time I tried to get closer, he'd start acting strange and back off. -- This man like has a fear of intimacy. I say that because of this statement -- "every time I tried to get closer . . . he became distant". They space out the dates to prevent and keep emotional attachment from developing for the dating partner. Any time they "feel" that the other person is getting close, they will pull away. It is a sabotaging tactic, sometimes it an unconscious response. They don't even realize it themselves. They are sometimes aware of it, but don't really understand why they do it. These men have a long history of failed relationships.

 

Commitment phobes will do things similarly, but their initial pursuit will be stronger and when the chase is done, they will just keep having sex with you usually.

 

Sometimes a man is both, they are intertwined. But fear of intimacy is in the anxiety disorder category. Commitment phobia is not a mental health disorder itself, its a conscious choice most of the time, unless it is accompanied by other conditions.

 

Either type is difficult to date and/or be with and to identify. Any time you date someone who is slow to pursue or inconsistent, you need to be wary. On the flip-side, if a guy is coming on too hard and fast, you should be wary too.

 

The bottomline is that it's them, not you and you should simply try to embrace the fact that you are awesome and they are the ones losing out.

 

Look for balanced and consistent dating patterns, you'll have better luck

[catlady11]

Redhead14 I'd love to get your thoughts about my ex some day! I still believe he had/has a fear of intimacy/commitment because while he said one thing his actions totally said something else.

[fitnessfan365]

To be honest, I don't think he was that into you from the get go. That's why he bailed on so many plans and barely ever saw you. I'm guessing that it was just a physical thing for him and when he saw that you were getting really invested, he decided to jump ship.

[sunshine2]

This very thing happened to me around Feb of this year. Met a man on OLD and made the mistake of falling for him. He ended up as a FWB, but I had no clue what that meant as I was married for 17 years and newer to the dating game. We would text everyday, but I would only see him 1 -2 times a month and he would cancel a lot on me too.

 

He was not in love or even thinking of a relationship with me. He would say things like, lets take this slow, Im not sure I want a relationship, blah blah blah. Anyway, he went dark on me in Feb, I had a hard time but eventually let him go. Then he reappeared in May with the same song and dance, but added that I was a special lady, he missed me, and that he cared for me. Still didn't know if he wanted a relationship. Thank goodness I didn't believe him or make the effort to meet him, cause he announced that he was in a relationship on FB at the same time he was contacting me. Of course I was pissed off and let him know.

 

These guys are losers and just use people and say exactly what you want to hear to get what they want. This taught me a BIG lesson and I hopefully will never fall for it again.

 

The good news is you do get past it. Im now dating a great guy.

[Redhead14]

Redhead14 I'd love to get your thoughts about my ex some day! I still believe he had/has a fear of intimacy/commitment because while he said one thing his actions totally said something else.

 

There is a fine line when applying the actions vs words theory if you are dealing with a man with a true fear of intimacy. In an emotionally healthy male, it is often true that if they can't say those words, they will be showing you in just about every way how they feel. They won't need words. If an emotionally healthy male, says they love you but you don't feel it from them, then the words/actions theory applies.

 

Men with a fear of intimacy are often confused and struggle with being able to even identify their emotions beyond the prevailing anxiety they experience. When they become overwhelmed by a partners attempts to be emotionally close to them, anxiety takes over and they pull away as a means of self-protection. Some people call this selfishness, but very often they don't even realize they are doing it until it's pointed out to them, so they aren't consciously or maliciously doing it, it just happens. It takes a ton of patience and understanding as well as a very strong, emotionally secure, independent woman to be able to deal with a partner with a fear of intimacy.

 

Some men do this on a conscious level and those men are usually narcissists which is a whole 'nother can of worms.

[catlady11]

He told me that he didn't love me yet his body language, the way he spoke to me lead me to believe something else. He would get anxiety and pull away; that's when he said he would think about our relationship and feel "squirmy" because his feelings didn't match mine. FWIW I never pressured him, just told him I was fine with how things were (and I was).

 

This is a man who would call me every night we weren't together, if he sensed that I was upset about something he wanted to make it better. He had me meet his mom, he would tell everyone how wonderful I was. I never got the sense that he didn't feel the way I did because the way he acted towards me said what he couldn't/didn't say.

 

I told him that I thought he had a fear of intimacy and he denied it, said if he felt something for me he would know it.

 

Guess it really doesn't matter.

[Redhead14]

He told me that he didn't love me yet his body language, the way he spoke to me lead me to believe something else. He would get anxiety and pull away; that's when he said he would think about our relationship and feel "squirmy" because his feelings didn't match mine. FWIW I never pressured him, just told him I was fine with how things were (and I was).

 

This is a man who would call me every night we weren't together, if he sensed that I was upset about something he wanted to make it better. He had me meet his mom, he would tell everyone how wonderful I was. I never got the sense that he didn't feel the way I did because the way he acted towards me said what he couldn't/didn't say.

 

I told him that I thought he had a fear of intimacy and he denied it, said if he felt something for me he would know it.

 

Guess it really doesn't matter.

 

Well, no, now it doesn't matter, however, you have learned something from that experience. Denial It wasn't denial, it was a complete disconnect from deeper feelings. He would deny it because he didn't have the capacity to identify it anyway. They can appear empathetic, but that is a learned response to observing obligatory social norms. Sheldon from Big Bang Theory -- "everyone knows that when a friend is upset, you should bring them a warm beverage" It is a "mechanical" response. They may even cry when you cry, but they are crying for themselves, not you. They do feel guilty if they realize you've been hurt by something they've done. They can readily feel negative emotions, like guilt. Negative emotions are "comfortable" for them so they mostly allow themselves to feel them.

 

Most of the time, their actions are just mechanical. It feels good to you because you are projecting into them. An emotionally healthy man has done those things for you in the past, so they feel good to you now. I doubt that those feelings were being created actively for you by him. Can you recall your level of anxiety during the course of the relationship? I bet you were often feeling anxious/insecure yourself even when he did nice things for you, or if you did feel better, it didn't last long.

[catlady11]

I remember sometimes I DID feel some anxiety; because I would think it was too good to be true that I would find this awesome guy.

 

I don't know if this has any bearing but he's been in AA for over 3 years and he told me that because of AA he's more in tune with his feelings and he's prone to introspection. He would tell me that he knows what it's like to be in love and at the end one of my parting shots to him was "when you were with her you were drunk most of the time, how can you trust what you felt then?"

 

Looking back his demeanor did sometimes seem to be controlled, like he didn't want to let himself "go" or lose control.

 

Thank you so much for your insights Red I've been driving myself crazy asking "how can he act one way yet say he feels another?" It didn't add up and it blindsided me. If I'm not feeling it for someone I certainly don't tell them I can't wait to see them or tell them how much I enjoyed their company, let alone make a point of being physically close and touching them.

[Redhead14]

I remember sometimes I DID feel some anxiety; because I would think it was too good to be true that I would find this awesome guy.

 

I don't know if this has any bearing but he's been in AA for over 3 years and he told me that because of AA he's more in tune with his feelings and he's prone to introspection. He would tell me that he knows what it's like to be in love and at the end one of my parting shots to him was "when you were with her you were drunk most of the time, how can you trust what you felt then?"

 

Looking back his demeanor did sometimes seem to be controlled, like he didn't want to let himself "go" or lose control.

 

Thank you so much for your insights Red I've been driving myself crazy asking "how can he act one way yet say he feels another?" It didn't add up and it blindsided me. If I'm not feeling it for someone I certainly don't tell them I can't wait to see them or tell them how much I enjoyed their company, let alone make a point of being physically close and touching them.

 

Men with a fear of intimacy often have addictions -- usually alcohol because that is what helps them get away from anxiety. Fear of intimacy is an anxiety disorder. They self-medicate.

 

Yes, controlled = mechanical. If he lost control, he would likely reveal or allow himself to be vulnerable. True fear of intimacy starts in childhood too. It is deeply rooted and the pulling away in and of itself becomes an addiction -- it often feels better to be alone or just not near the source of the current stressor. It does happen sometimes if as an adult they've been really hurt in a relationship. But, if that fear starts as an adult, and his "core" is fairly strong, it's more about commitment phobia.

 

Actually, it wouldn't matter whether he was drinking a lot with her because the drinking isn't the source of the problem. It's a symptom. He would not have been truly connecting with her even if he wasn't drinking.

I don't know if this has any bearing but he's been in AA for over 3 years and he told me that because of AA he's more in tune with his feelings and he's prone to introspection -- That is unlikely. Removing the alcohol only allows him to feel the anxiety/condition that existed even before he started drinking. He's only getting in touch with the real problem again. If he were truly being introspective -- he would more than likely experiencing depression and sadness because he's now in touch with whatever caused him to have the fear of intimacy in the first place -- poor role models in childhood, some kind of abuse or trauma. That is the truth he needs to understand and process/accept and move on from.

 

The problem with AA is that the "original sin" does not get addressed fully. That needs to be handled in a professional therapeutic environment.

[smackie9]

Here's a tip: mental illness, or something tragic that happened in their childhood, is most likely connected to alcoholism and substance abuse. Why? because they lack the skills to "cope". Admitting you have a problem is only the first step. He has many more to go.

[catlady11]

Red, he's always been an introvert (since a child) and he's always felt this need to have alone time. Being around people for a long period of time drains him. Maybe since childhood he's been shutting down.

 

I can't thank you enough. What you've said has helped me immensely and answered some of the "whys" for me. I owe you a cup of coffee at least (or a drink) lol.

[Redhead14]

Red, he's always been an introvert (since a child) and he's always felt this need to have alone time. Being around people for a long period of time drains him. Maybe since childhood he's been shutting down.

 

I can't thank you enough. What you've said has helped me immensely and answered some of the "whys" for me. I owe you a cup of coffee at least (or a drink) lol.

 

"Red, he's always been an introvert (since a child)" -- BINGO!

 

Meet me a Sardi's in New York next week. We will have fun.