How to deal with break up?

[QueenDeath]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me yesterday, pretty much blamed me for the break up and said how I burnt bridges, he said how I'm manipulative, angry, capricious, controlling and some other stuff that I don't even remember.

 

It was a long distance relationship, he's in IL and I'm in NY. Not too long ago, our spark died out and really, it didn't bother me. I tried to explaining to him how things like that are normal and everything, however, like always, I honestly don't think what I was saying was registering in his head. Also, he was worried that if he was just lusting after me or really was in love with me, and me and his friend that is a good friend of mine just told him how it's natural to not always feel in love and again, don't know if he was really listening or not.

 

So after awhile he wanted to go on a break and omg! That scared the **** out of me, I started panicking, I got very, very, emotional ( I'm an overly emotional chick ) I started texting him and wailing at him saying how it is your fault that we are at this position because he wouldn't listen to me, that everything is normal and really there's nothing to worry about, etc...

 

Pretty much I sent him about 29 text. In general, when my emotions get the best of me and believe me, they do, I just turn into a whole new person that tries to protect herself.

 

He pretty much also said how I tried to control him and one of his friend, Jessica relationship. That I wanted to tear them apart or whatever. When truthfully, I don't care who he is friends with, I just didn't trust the girl because of the history the two shares. What upsets me is that, he yet again said how she told you she's not a threat, she's not this, not that and then told me how I deleted her as a friend from Facebook, that I didn't even try to get to know her. You'd believe that he can see my inbox? No.

 

We did talk here and there, me and the girl, however, I just felt uncomfortable talking to her and sometimes she doesn't reply, so after awhile, I decided I am not going to keep talking to someone that I am not comfortable talking to, after a while, I realized deleting her from my Facebook was childish and wanted to make amends at some point when I felt good and ready, not the type of person to force myself to talk to someone when I don't feel comfortable doing so.

 

What annoys me is that, he says that I see her as a threat or whatever, when she told me she isn't, yet I don't trust her, I could count the times I told him why I don't trust her, again, I don't know if he was listening to me or not. I do question if he does listen to me from time to time.

 

When he hanged out with this said girl, it sent me into an emotional outbreak, I was scared, tense, worried, wondering what they were doing, they were getting coffee and I was just beyond upset because he told me he doesn't even like coffee and it just looked weird from my point of view, I kept texting him why isn't he updating me enough, which he did looking back on it, I was just so upset because like I said I was worried and just so ****ing emotional. So I also said go sleep with her, go be with her, etc. I also said some other stuff too that I can't remember, however, when I'm like that in that emotional state, I tend to go off the wall.

 

Truthfully, I don't care who he hangs out with, he thinks I wanted to control the relationship they had, I truthfully didn't wanted to come off that way, however, I tried to explaining myself after that heated break up but to no avail and he didn't reply + I just felt as if the relationship could have been salvaged and worked on, and I wanted to work things, hell, even his own self said I've been trying really really hard to work things out

 

After a while, I realized what he said, I pretty much get that way when my emotions get the best of me, this one time like at the start of summer he was hanging out with his guy friend and it just worried me because I didn't know what he was doing, I didn't know if they would be girls around or not and then he would do something with those girls or whatever, also...I didn't trust him enough so that's also where I went wrong. After a while, like weeks and weeks later, I was like "whatever" he isn't doing anything like..cheating so I calmed down about it.

 

But it just hurts that he puts 100% blame on me for why he break up with me and I don't understand why, and like...he knows why I get overly emotional, since day one he knew that I am overly emotional because we met on a forum website and in chat people told him that this girl is overly emotional, she's impulsive, she's a party girl and all. The thing is he could have said the same thing he said yesterday, at the beginning of summer and when I just burst out on emotions when he hanged out with his other friend, the whole thing is just confusing and I don't understand why he seems so shock all of a sudden, I'm trying to make sense of it all.

 

I do take blame, however, I don't think it's all my fault, I would like some opinions on this and also how do you deal with a break up? I take like 60% of the blame? I don't know, the whole thing is confusing.

 

Also, did the dumper ever blamed you and why do they put 100% blame on the other as if they did nothing wrong throughout the relationship?

 

With him, I just wished he payed attention more and listened to me more, and just tried to understand me more. Just hurts how he put all the blame on me.

 

I know that I tend to turn into a bitch when I get to an overly emotional state, but overall, I know that I tried to be a great girlfriend to him and it hurts that 7 months of effort just goes down the drain, it felt like he just shooed me away or something, and I really do felt like it could have been salvaged but things got rough and I wanted to work things out but he didn't and it hurts. Also, I saw a future with him and he's the only ex I would actually go back to. Plus, being in love with him still and him just ended it off..it just sucks

Edited August 24, 2015 by QueenDeath

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what happened and how you are hurting. A long distance relationship is never easy and if you are feeling insecure it is bound to make things worse. Whatever the situation re distance, it wasn't working out with you two. There were several issues: you didn't like his friends and didn't want a relationship with them (that's fine, you don't have to want relationships with everyone you meet); you didn't trust your ex; you get very emotional (I mean it's a good thing you warned him but if you know it is more than with most people then maybe it would help you to get some help with this issue for your own sake).

 

Mostly though, long distance relationships are fraught with issues, especially because of the natural instinct to want to see, hear and understand situations for yourself.

 

Your ex was probably being defensive by blaming you. I would guess that you questioned his decision so he felt he had to come up with reasons. Reasons all become meaningless after a break-up because the fundamental thing is that the person's feelings have changed. Once feelings change, they don't usually change back. There is no point blaming yourself. It will hurt for a while and people on here will help if you post. Try and get some help or discuss this with friends because if you were already feeling very insecure then it would be a shame if the end of one relationship made that worse or affected your chances in future. We all feel emotional when we feel threatened. Is it possible that this guy wasn't as committed as you were and you could sense that? If so, maybe that's why you became insecure and reacted.

 

All you can do is to learn from this and understand that a relationship is a dynamic between two people. One person is not usually responsible for the relationship ending. There are usually multiple subconscious factors affecting how both feel. It really does take two!

Edited August 24, 2015 by spiderowl

[QueenDeath]

you didn't like his friends and didn't want a relationship with them (that's fine, you don't have to want relationships with everyone you meet); you didn't trust your ex; you get very emotional (I mean it's a good thing you warned him but if you know it is more than with most people then maybe it would help you to get some help with this issue for your own sake).

 

Mostly though, long distance relationships are fraught with issues, especially because of the natural instinct to want to see, hear and understand situations for yourself.

 

Your ex was probably being defensive by blaming you. I would guess that you questioned his decision so he felt he had to come up with reasons. Reasons all become meaningless after a break-up because the fundamental thing is that the person's feelings have changed. Once feelings change, they don't usually change back. There is no point blaming yourself. It will hurt for a while and people on here will help if you post. Try and get some help or discuss this with friends because if you were already feeling very insecure then it would be a shame if the end of one relationship made that worse or affected your chances in future. We all feel emotional when we feel threatened. Is it possible that this guy wasn't as committed as you were and you could sense that? If so, maybe that's why you became insecure and reacted.

 

All you can do is to learn from this and understand that a relationship is a dynamic between two people. One person is not usually responsible for the relationship ending. There are usually multiple subconscious factors affecting how both feel. It really does take two!

 

It's not that I didn't like her or anything of the matter, I just didn't trust her and didn't feel ready to be friends with her just yet. It's irritating when he kept asking me what's going on and kept saying that she isn't a threat, it's like he didn't really took the time to understand me or anything considering he kept bringing it up. That and I don't know if what I said registered to him, also, our communication skills weren't the best at all.

 

As strange as this may sound, I'm having mixed feelings for this, I'm hurt, upset, confused, and all. At the same time, I'm pretty excited to just be out there again whenever I start dating again, I miss being able to do things like going out on dates and such.

[spiderowl]

It's not that I didn't like her or anything of the matter, I just didn't trust her and didn't feel ready to be friends with her just yet. It's irritating when he kept asking me what's going on and kept saying that she isn't a threat, it's like he didn't really took the time to understand me or anything considering he kept bringing it up. That and I don't know if what I said registered to him, also, our communication skills weren't the best at all.

 

As strange as this may sound, I'm having mixed feelings for this, I'm hurt, upset, confused, and all. At the same time, I'm pretty excited to just be out there again whenever I start dating again, I miss being able to do things like going out on dates and such.

 

Mixed feelings is very normal. It sounds like you are also relieved. One thing about a relationship ending is that it opens up the possibility of a new and much better one possibly round the corner. All of a sudden, the strain of trying to keep it together and working is gone. That can feel very positive amidst the likely sadness and confusion.