robahas Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Hi all, I would love to get some perspective about my situation. My wife of 25 years had a secret relationship with another man for about 5 months. It was intensely emotional and romantic, but only marginally physical. They held hands, touched others faces and hugged. I found out and she said it would stop, but several months later it turns out she lied and did not break it off. Still no sex. She left the house and set up in an apartment, still not living with the other guy, still no sex, but still involved in a relationship and not hiding at all her attraction to him, and rejection of me. I know some of you will be skeptical about the claim that there is not sex in their relationship. Suffice it to say that I'm fairly sure this is the case, but I do of course maintain openness about the posibility that I am wrong. Still, I'm asking the question based on the no sex premise. So basically we are just living separate while she goes to counseling and figures some things out. I would normally be very patient about this sort of thing if not for the fact that we are married and she is explicitly in a relationship with another man, and not in anything like a real relationship with me. She only talks to me to coordinate seeing the kids. What i mean is that i would very much be willing to work with her being out of the home while she figures things out, even if it ends in divorce. But not so much if there is another guy involved. I'm am the sort of person who values marriage a great deal so on the one hand I am willing to put a lot of work into making things work. On the other hand, I am deeply offended at her behavior, and bugged all day long about her relationship with this guy. So I'm struggling with whether I should initiate divorce, since she is not doing that. On the one hand I love her and want her to have the chance to come back. On the other hand, I wonder if I am giving up too much of my dignity by allowing this to go on. Perhaps it is time to give an ultimatum and force a choice: leave him or divorce. That's the choice I am considering. Thank you for listening. 1
Poutrew Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Sounds like you already know what you need to do. It also sounds like your wife feels she has all the power in this relationship - that it's all about her. Show her how wrong she is by handing her the documents of divorce ready for her to sign. Just recognize that if she decides to come back to you at this point, it is most likely a stalling tactic. Don't fall for it. 2
ShatteredLady Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I don't really believe in separating to 'work on' a marriage. It's much easier to work through things together...isn't that what marriage is meant to be about? Would she consider MC so you guys can actually get to the bottom of everything that's going on? This is so much more than the other man but as long as he's in her life there's little chance of really sorting your marriage. As she sinks deeper into that relationship she needs to make you the bad guy in her head to justify her behavior. 2
central Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 File for divorce. That will put things in clear perspective for her, and she will have to make a choice. Don't take her back, unless she shows remorse and does everything possible to ensure she has chosen you for good reason and will never let this happen again. 3
Buckeye2 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) She’s in love with another man and you’re separated. Why wouldn’t they be having sex? What normally happens is that when a spouse asks for space the subject of dating is never mentioned. The spouse that is asked for the separation assumes that since they are still married there will be no sex. The spouse that asked for the separation had a reason, usually someone else. (If something has been running for years and suddenly stops, something changed). For them the separation is a free pass. If she ultimately picks you and you find out she had sex, she will explain that you were separated so it doesn’t count. Edited August 23, 2015 by Buckeye2 2
Celestial-dreamer Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 This will come down to what you can accept, and what you cannot. Are you 110% sure the relationship hasn't gone sexual? She will tell you anything to keep you inline (plan B) if the new man doesn't come up to par. She knows your there waiting for her, and yet she is throwing this new man in your face, and not even attempting to save her marriage. How much disrespect are you willing to take? Are you willing to sit there waiting for her to pick you or him? How long will that take? Once you answer those questions, you will have your answer. 3
italianjob Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 She's been seeing another man in secret for months but you're convinced they never had sex? Are they in High school? If you really believe that, there's this bridge I think you might want to buy, that I could sell you 3
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Your marriage is kaput. Grow some dignity & file for divorce. 2
Satu Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 File for divorce now. Your marriage is as dead as a dodo. 1
Marc878 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Ah, I hate to tell you but she's already left you for the OM. No sex? Really? What do you think separartion is for in this case? 2
road Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Ah, I hate to tell you but she's already left you for the OM. No sex? Really? What do you think separartion is for in this case? I agree. This has been a PA before the separation. Do you want to save your marriage or get a divorce? 1
bubbaganoosh Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 You might be one that values marriage a great deal and so do a lot of people but you also have to be big enough not to let anyone including your spouse devalue your dignity and self respect and she's done both to you. Not to mention, what good is valuing your marriage when she doesn't. Time for you to face reality and see that she isn't into the marriage any longer so have her served with divorce papers and let her know that your feelings, dignity and self respect are not hers to use as a piece of toilet paper that she can wipe herself and discard it at her will. There isn't any excuse for her behavior and any excuse for you permitting it at your expense. Time to take the bull by the horns. 2
Author robahas Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Thanks. You have summed it up nicely.
Confused48 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 If you divorce her that does not mean the end of trying to work it out. In fact a divorce might have the effect of waking her up to the reality of what she is playing at. It might not and I am not telling to to D in the hopes of getting her to come back to you. You should D b/c it is the right thing to do in your circumstances. But be open to the possibility that it may cause a reaction in her to want to save her marriage. If that happens, don't take her back too easily. Stay divorced for a while. Maker her live with you in that fashion for a while and prove herself to you before you consider remarriage. If it even comes to that. You may find you don't want her back once you are free of her.
Sandy43 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 It sounds like she has already checked out of the marriage. She doesn't seem to putting any effort towards working on your M, she is just doing her own thing with the OM and has you as a fall back option in case things don't work out. I would get a divorce and move on. 1
Morro72 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Just curious - who's paying for the apartment that she's not having sex in? Her? You? The OM that she's not having sex with? 2
oldshirt Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 As the others have said, you have been had here. She pulled a big one over on you and you fell for it hook, line and sinker. She has been the one calling the shots here and has been squared in the driver's seat having her cake and eating it too. You have a choice here. You can either let her continue to call the shots and allow her to manipulate you or you can take control of your own life and call your own shots. 1
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