How do I save my relationship?

[LostBoy.]

So been thinking about posting this for a little while, not really sure if I'm after advice or it I'm venting or what, but last time I posted it helped so here I am, giving it a shot, sorry if its a long one.

 

I guess a bit of background if you didn’t catch my last thread: I'm 24, I have two sons 8 & 6 and their mum, my beautiful better half, lost her life in a car accident five and a half years ago.

I now live with my boys, we don't have any family on mine or their mum's side, but we do live with 2 guys who were very very close friends of me and my late girlfriend and are the brothers I didn't have, my sons uncles.

To put it mildly surviving life without her was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did, I am doing, and we muddle along alright me and my lads.

 

So last winter I started dating again, first time since my boys mum died, (only the second girl I've ever dated. I met my late girlfriend in my teens and before her I wasn't interested in a relationship). I know her through work, knew her for while before we started dating.

I thought i'd never date again, thought no one could ever come close to my late gf, I wasn't looking for anything when I met my gf but I got to liking her, got to loving her. My friends used to suggest girls to me but I was always comparing them to my boys mum and they were always second best but my girlfriend is nothing like her! Opposites in a lot of ways where Quinn was so larger-than-life, huge dreamer, more than a little reckless, super super social she was always centre stage and when she left a room you felt the lack. My girlfriend is much much more laid back, really grounded, focused, wickedly sarcastic sense of humour. Not so much of a people person at all..she's actually pretty shy but tends to come across too independent to need anyone - but she's a softy underneath.

 

Things have been really great. However I always felt her best friend didn't like me, I get that, there's a fair age gap, baggage is my middle name and a lot of people judge me on my past. That's fine.

However a few weeks ago she told my girlfriend she thinks im cheating on her or have cheated on her, whatever, based on what god knows. Intuition probably!

I'm not. I haven't. I wouldn't.

 

My gf raises this with me - I get she had to raise it I suppose, this is a friend of like 12 yrs, but I'm super super... hurt, I guess, that she basically believed her.

I mean rightly or wrongly I don't know, im sure people will feel differently, but I felt like I shouldn't have to listen to some girl build a case to split us up. I felt like she should know me better than that! I want her to think 'nah that's something he wouldn't do'!

 

I'm not angry now, but I can be hot headed and at the time obviously we argued, pretty seriously. I think she did believe I didn't cheat pretty quickly (I hope) but it kinda became a principle thing (which is never good). I would say it was on the cusp of a break up. But that would of been really sad cause its not what either of us wanted, so we talked, we put it behind us, we decided to move on.

All good.. except now I've taken like 100 steps back - I can't get my boys mum off my mind. I haven't had that problem since I've been with my gf I've never compared them but I couldn't help but think 'She wouldn't of doubted me. She understood be. She would of defended me'. And as much as I'm not mad at my gf anymore, its like I've opened a flood gate.

 

I dream about her. As much as I did when she first died (and im a massive sleep talker). I guess i'm struggling.. nothings ever been easy, I used to think I was dealt a hard hand of cards till I met Quinn and I had these like amazing few years where I was top of the world, I figure everything I've done since losing her has been the hardest fight of my life, but I don't believe that i'm an unlucky man anymore. I was incredibly lucky. Our time together was too short, but I still spent more time with that girl than anyone else on the planet got too! I loved her, and she loved me back, the last thing that I ever wanted to do was to say goodbye to her and I guess like I've never really dated, I guess maybe I was asking too much if I though having another relationship would solve all my worries like It did before - it simply can't because I'm irreversibly changed by loving her as well as by losing her and things will always be different. That doesn't mean they can't be good. That doesn't mean they're not good!!

Up until just a few weeks ago we were golden! I certainly don't want this to be the end

 

I know my gf thinks i'm being more distant, but i'm just trying to sort my own head out. But I don't want my relationship to fall apart while i'm doing that. I could kind of feel her wearing thin, I definitely see her as a dump before your dumped kinda gal so its important to me to make her feel like i'm still totally commited to us - which I am. So that's what I've tried to do, tried to take her back to when she feel in love with me, remind her why she took a chance on me before. Which works to a point except this time I feel like i'm pretending. I've lived since she died by 'fake it till you make it' and it worked but now I feel like im pretending. I feel like she deserves better than a guy who would still be with another girl if she hadn't died! I know she wants marriage, kids, the works, and I didn't go into this lightly I seriously thought it through. I've always wanted that stuff too and I don't want that life any less for losing Quinn. Thinking about that stuff used to make me see how much id lost but since being with my gf, I felt differently it felt like a future I could see again. Now I feel like... I dunno maybe her friends right, maybe shes too young to be some guys like second chance!

 

We went out today, nothing special just down the beach with my boys and the dogs, had a BBQ and it made me kinda sad cause, I really love her, whatever issues are there I love her (and I never thought I'd say that again), and she's so great with the boys, and yet I feel like it's falling apart. I don't want it too. I just don't know how to stop it.

 

My brothers, the lads I mix with, they'd tell you i'm a leader and I am in 'guys guy' situations but in the relationship scenario I had like zero experience, before I met Quinn the most loving relationship id ever had was probably my dog, haha! Which was fine because she was the driving force, she was the ideas gal and I implemented. But in my relationship now on paper I should be the much more experienced one and I feel she's looking to me to guide us and I just don't know how..

 

 

~ Badger

[LostBoy.]

Damn that was way longer than I though, sorry!

[Ami1uwant]

This is a tad long and rambling.

 

Have you ever fine any sort of counseling to deal with your GF death?

[LostBoy.]

This is a tad long and rambling.

Have you ever fine any sort of counseling to deal with your GF death?

I'm not really a counselling kinda guy..

Edited August 23, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[smackie9]

I had np reading through it. IMO you had to grow up very fast, and didn't get to grow and experience life like normal teenagers would. So you were never prepared to deal with adult issues, through experience. I wouldn't call your situation "baggage". What happened was beyond your control, and I feel you weathered through it better than most would ever do.

 

As for dating, you can't expect yourself to find someone to help you carry on with your life with at first shot. If it doesn't work out, then it just wasn't meant to be, you will have other chances to meet someone that will fill in that slot. So don't knock yourself out over it, it will not be the end of the world.

 

Communication is always key for a relationship to survive. You can't hold all this in, you must address this with the people involved. I would get them together and call miss busybody (her friend) out on her accusations. Not in a hasty way, but be as neutral as possible, get the facts out, and discuss. This will more than likely prove to your GF how callous her friend is. But don't make enemies here, just get the point across, and settle things and move on. I think you will feel better once you clear the air on this issue. In other word

s you can make this less complicated.

[LostBoy.]

I had np reading through it.

Haha Thanks!

IMO you had to grow up very fast, and didn't get to grow and experience life like normal teenagers would. So you were never prepared to deal with adult issues, through experience. I wouldn't call your situation "baggage". What happened was beyond your control, and I feel you weathered through it better than most would ever do.

Right, I didn't have a lot of role models, my mum left when I was a kid, I left home in my early teens, I don't have a massive wealth of relationship experience or examples to draw on. I'm pretty much making it up as I go.

I certainly don't think of my family, my past or especially my kids as baggage. Their my world. But it's largely how I think people do see it.

 

 

As for dating, you can't expect yourself to find someone to help you carry on with your life with at first shot. If it doesn't work out, then it just wasn't meant to be, you will have other chances to meet someone that will fill in that slot. So don't knock yourself out over it, it will not be the end of the world.

Right, they say they're plenty of fishes in the sea, but I do love my fish - even if she does drive me up the wall on occasion, haha!

 

 

I feel, deep down, that this was probably an issue I'd of always struck, whoever I was with. Its important to me that we try, I don't want to cut and run.

We were in such a good place, she was staying over mine so much we were seriously discussing dates for her to move in! ...I mean I guess we're still on for that, I just feel like we're shaky at the moment

 

Communication is always key for a relationship to survive. You can't hold all this in, you must address this with the people involved. I would get them together and call miss busybody (her friend) out on her accusations. Not in a hasty way, but be as neutral as possible, get the facts out, and discuss. This will more than likely prove to your GF how callous her friend is. But don't make enemies here, just get the point across, and settle things and move on. I think you will feel better once you clear the air on this issue. In other words you can make this less complicated.

You think?

You don't think its dredging back up old wounds so to speak?

I find it really hard to listen to people make up sh*t about me, yanno?

 

 

-Badger

[TaraMaiden2]

You're not really a counselling type of guy?

 

I would ask you why not?

I'm sorry, but you know, counselling is a misnomer for someone telling you how to handle your feelings and experiences.

 

They don't.

They counsel you on different ways to approach stuff, different perspectives, and they suggest. They don't take it all off your shoulders like some interfering busybodies and tell you you're doing it all wrong and you *should* do this instead.

 

I will be the first to admit that sometimes, finding a good, compatible counsellor is an experience fraught with difficulties.

But good counsellors will offer a suggested avenue to explore, a path to pursue, but let you do the thinking, working out and contemplating.

 

I think it may help you (particularly in light of the absence of peers and role models, and the fact that you're flying this by the seat of your pants) it may be something perhaps you could give more thought to....?

 

You're doing a good job. But the fact that you're here getting feedback from faceless forum members, may be an indication in itself that a little professional input might not go amiss....?

[smackie9]

Why not? Wouldn't it be fair to get this out in the open so it doesn't happen again? It may also resolve this friend's issue with you whatever that might be. Maybe this friend actually did, in some way believe you were cheating and she wanted to protect her. It's very possible she was told by someone else. You just don't know how these things come about unless you TALK about it.

 

I tell you this, sweeping things under the rug and hope they never arise again is what destroys relationships. IMO it's not dredging things up again, it's settling your difference with this friend of hers. I believe by standing up for yourself, and calling her out on her behavior with earn you respect from her and your GF. It will teach this friend that you are willing to stand up to her and not tolerate immature crap like that.

[LostBoy.]

You're not really a counselling type of guy?

 

Honestly? I guess like rightly or most likely wrongly I've just always seen it as something that isn't for, guys like me.

I'm not really at ease talking about the way I feel, this is kinda different cause I'm typing stuff down.. Maybe a little with the lads but with a stranger, a doctor, I dunno.. I find myself pretty suspicious of doctors, couldn't even tell you why.

 

I guess like I've been brought up not to dwell to much on the past on, coulda woulda shoulda.. I guess the steryotypical view of a counsellor is like 'lets talk about your childhood', and the truth is my mum left, my dad loved the bottle, but I don't believe any of that defines the person I am today. I don't want to find things to blame I just want to live my life, be a good dad, a good man. Focus on the here and now.

 

Like I say that's probably a very slanted view of counselling I'm sure the realities very different.

My late girlfriend actually saw a counsellor for a little while when we were at school together, she thought it was great, she used to joke I didn't get it cause I didn't have another level lol!

 

I guess faceless forum members just seem easier than to sit infront of someone and tell them stuff about my life.. kinda gives me heart palpitations:laugh:

[LostBoy.]

Why not? Wouldn't it be fair to get this out in the open so it doesn't happen again? It may also resolve this friend's issue with you whatever that might be. Maybe this friend actually did, in some way believe you were cheating and she wanted to protect her. It's very possible she was told by someone else. You just don't know how these things come about unless you TALK about it.

 

I tell you this, sweeping things under the rug and hope they never arise again is what destroys relationships. IMO it's not dredging things up again, it's settling your difference with this friend of hers. I believe by standing up for yourself, and calling her out on her behavior with earn you respect from her and your GF. It will teach this friend that you are willing to stand up to her and not tolerate immature crap like that.

True true! That's defiently something I can do!

 

I know what she thinks she saw to spark this (I coach the kids footie team, I was helping a kids mum out cause her car wouldn't start. She got the wrong end of the stick was all. Added one and one and got fifteen!) but the truth was always and will always be with me, so it doesn't matter what she says. I'll prove myself again if she wants me too. I've done nothing wrong!

[smackie9]

How retarded is that? we are all adults here. In fact your GF shouldn't have started a fight over this if that was all it was. Holy crap, good luck with that if she is so easily jumping to conclusions. That would mean she has never seen you fully trustworthy. IMO you should have been treated with more respect than that. I wouldn't completely blame all this on the friend.

[LostBoy.]

How retarded is that? we are all adults here. In fact your GF shouldn't have started a fight over this if that was all it was. Holy crap, good luck with that if she is so easily jumping to conclusions. That would mean she has never seen you fully trustworthy. IMO you should have been treated with more respect than that. I wouldn't completely blame all this on the friend.

Very.

Right, that didn't go unnoticed by me! I wanted her to be like 'nah he's my man, he wouldn't do that' and she wasn't and I was mad because I know that means she doesn't trust me 100%.

I can't say that doesn't hurt on some level because it does. But whats to be done.. I don't want us to be over. I want her to trust me, to see me as trustworthy. Everyone wants that right!?

 

 

It was different with Quinn because it was always kinda us-against-the-world, but its different with my gf because she has her own family, her own friends, this is a girl she's known from childhood and I'm a guy she's known couple of years. To be fair to her she wasn't particularly mad or emotional when she raised it with me. I dunno it just is what it is... I guess its what people would call a rough patch!

[smackie9]

Tell me this.....why don't you want "us" to be over? The dynamic of this relationship is not looking like it will be around for the long haul. She's not being your cheerleader.

 

It's time to go over what you are actually getting out of this relationship and what you are not.

[ITw]

How do you save your relationship? You do it by talking to each other. You can work out this situation but you have to talk to each other and do it together. Sounds like she does believe in you. Don't throw it all away. I'll bet she doesn't realize how hurt you were.

 

 

Sounds like you're in a better place now to talk to her. Her friend sounds meddlesome and shouldn't have a place in your relationship. Don't let the friend ruin your second chance at love.

[LostBoy.]

Tell me this.....why don't you want "us" to be over? The dynamic of this relationship is not looking like it will be around for the long haul. She's not being your cheerleader.

 

It's time to go over what you are actually getting out of this relationship and what you are not.

When I met Quinn from the first day I met her, I was hers. As easy as that!

 

It wasn't like that with my gf because i'd sworn off dating. We worked together and we were friends and I liked her but I did not want another relationship.

I was surprised when I first heard she was into me, because I had no idea she felt like that! I thought great 'still got it boy' she is beautiful - and the ultimate hard-to-get! But I was still making the choice not to fall in love!

 

So then there's this one day when lets say I bite off way more than I can chew (which is an unfortunate theme) and you know when your trying to juggle everything and you realise that you just can't and its going to come crashing down around you just before it does? I had a dog agility class in a few hours (I'm a dog trainer), a building that had to be ready for brand new morning classes the next day and still had no flooring laid, walls half painted & rain currently leaking through a roof panel and my son suddenly needing new football boots for the next day whilst my best friends on the other side of the country picking up my new car, leaving me transportless and close to an hours bike ride from any shop that would sell such things!

I'm normally a particularly optimistic positive guy (which is probably how I end up in such situations) but for once I was very stressed! So I called her. And she came. And I remember she got out her car full of trademark I told you so's but paintbrush in hand, and she laughed as she walked through the door and went to me "You have such a goofy smile", and I realised right then that I was smiling, because just being with her made me smile, that nothing seemed so bad when we were together, and I realised that it was never my choice to fall for her or not, I already had!

That's soppy, but its true!!

 

The girls not perfect, and yeah she can drive me bonkers but I'm certainly not perfect either, I'm very very human, I've made mistakes.. but together, we're actually pretty great... at least most of the time we are!

Maybe it isn't a perfect and your right, she hasn't been my cheerleader on this but I don't want to call it quits, I feel like if she's still trying, I'm staying.

[LostBoy.]

How do you save your relationship? You do it by talking to each other. You can work out this situation but you have to talk to each other and do it together. Sounds like she does believe in you. Don't throw it all away. I'll bet she doesn't realize how hurt you were.

No she most likely doesn't!!

 

 

True. I guess I've leant heavily towards 'showing' how I feel rather than 'saying' it, I'm not the best at verbal expressions. Neither is she if i'm honest. Maybe that's why we haven't been able to talk it out properly!

 

Sounds like you're in a better place now to talk to her. Her friend sounds meddlesome and shouldn't have a place in your relationship. Don't let the friend ruin your second chance at love.

True and true!

See I always got the feeling her friend wasn't that keen on me but now I feel like it would be really awkward to be around her.

On a positive my gf's brothers have actually been super supportive of me, so that's something!

[smackie9]

Well it's just my observation, that she doesn't feel about you on the same level as you do about her. Something to be mindful of.

[LostBoy.]

Well it's just my observation, that she doesn't feel about you on the same level as you do about her. Something to be mindful of.

It's fair enough, I don't want to be a fool!

She can be a hard girl to read thou.. she's very very err like guarded emotionally. Like for her family and friends its a big big deal that she'll give me a cheeky kiss in front of them. Like I say she is a massive softy underneath but she doesn't necessarily come across like that!

[Shepp]

If you want to know where her heads at and how she's feeling then maybe you need to put yourself out there a bit more and tell her what's going through your own head. If she's looking to you to take the lead then do that and lead your relationship to a place where your able to lay it all out there!