edgygirl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Lately I am really meh about dating, and therefore I am also not very enthusiastic about anyone and couldn't care less about how things are developing. As opposed to the past where I would passionately be into someone, really care where the fling or relationship was going, work on things, try to adapt, try to be my best, etc. I'm noticing that the less I care, the more guys seem to be pursuing or more into keep seeing me and keep in touch. I feel it both with guys whom I've been on a few dates with, dated for a while and also prospective dates. WTH. Is this how things work after all? Human psychology... Ugh ugh ugh Edited August 23, 2015 by edgygirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Yes, OP, to some extent I think it's human nature. Since my divorce, my showing some interest but not being too invested in the outcome has worked very well at keeping women on the hook. I'm not doing this intentionally to screw with their heads. I really am interested but if they disappear tomorrow my reaction would be "Oh well. Onto the next one". My investing in the now and being disinvested in the future seems to make them work harder to keep me. I don't even know if they are aware they are working harder but I think inside they sense that if they take me for granted I will be gone in an instant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I am finding this quite amazing. Of course I tried to emulate this - forcefully - in the past, but then it doesn't seem to work when it's a "faked" thing. I think it only works when you really, legitimately don't really care about the outcome. It's sad but feels very liberating at the same time. I think besides humans f-up psychology of wanting what's not really readily available, when there's a lack of anxiety things end up flowing better as well. Yes, OP, to some extent I think it's human nature. Since my divorce, my showing some interest but not being too invested in the outcome has worked very well at keeping women on the hook. I'm not doing this intentionally to screw with their heads. I really am interested but if they disappear tomorrow my reaction would be "Oh well. Onto the next one". My investing in the now and being disinvested in the future seems to make them work harder to keep me. I don't even know if they are aware they are working harder but I think inside they sense that if they take me for granted I will be gone in an instant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 We desire most what we can't have. But if you don't show any interest they will drop you. It should be a balancing act, give a little take a little. It shows you respect yourself, and not a doormat that tries to please them at all costs to get attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 True. And I think the bold part below is a big part of it. I'm feeling it. In the past I'd excuse and let all kind of lame behavior pass, because I tried to see the good in people, be forgiving, and perhaps I was really looking hard to find a relationship. When you do all this, you just seem like a doormat indeed. Self-respect should always come first, no matter how perfect the person seems to be for you. Let them go if they're not treating you as they should. We desire most what we can't have. But if you don't show any interest they will drop you. It should be a balancing act, give a little take a little. It shows you respect yourself, and not a doormat that tries to please them at all costs to get attention. Link to post Share on other sites
cessna Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 We desire most what we can't have. I think this is a wildly overused cliché. What evidence is there that this is, in fact, true? I desire an Aston Martin. Is that because I can't afford one? No, it's because I'd just quite like one. If I won the lottery tomorrow would I suddenly not desire it? Exactly... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 yeah, some version of that, yep Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 What gets me about the whole issue with "not caring" is that if both parties are genuinely interested and doing the "not caring" how can anything positive come of it? If you are interested, be interested but not suffocating. If you put effort into another person and they are feeling it then it shouldn't go unnoticed. But it has to go both ways. If you reach out they should reach out. It shouldn't always be you and it shouldn't always be them. If it's one sided move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 I think this is a wildly overused cliché. What evidence is there that this is, in fact, true? I desire an Aston Martin. Is that because I can't afford one? No, it's because I'd just quite like one. If I won the lottery tomorrow would I suddenly not desire it? Exactly... Our desire for a person is much stronger than for an object. to add how can you desire something when you already have it? https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201211/the-lure-the-unpredictable-lover Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 It's because of the song: The more you ignore me the closer I get. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 WTH. Is this how things work after all? Human psychology... Ugh ugh ugh I think this is only true in an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship is where two parties are mutually attracted to each other and treat each other as an equal. There seems to be a majority of people who are dating only to feel good about themselves and thus this situation is incredibly common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) I think this is a wildly overused cliché. What evidence is there that this is, in fact, true? I desire an Aston Martin. Is that because I can't afford one? No, it's because I'd just quite like one. If I won the lottery tomorrow would I suddenly not desire it? Exactly... Exactly. And to smackie (who posted it) ...you are married. Does this mean that now that your husband "has you," he no longer desires you? Makes no sense. Only immature, insecure, those with low self esteem, commitment phobes desire those they *can't* have......IMO. Edited August 23, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Exactly. And to smackie (who posted it) ...you are married. Does this mean that now that your husband "has you," he no longer desires you? Makes no sense. Only immature, insecure, those with low self esteem, commitment phobes feel this way...IMO. He was never in a position that he couldn't have me so how can that work? Apple to oranges. Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 It should not be difficult to avoid being TOO invested in dating. All it takes is having a happy, fulfilling life of your own, AND valuing and respecting that (as well as respecting yourself). Physically and emotionally. Don't blow off or lessen the importance of your friends, family, job, career, hobbies, passions, health, goals, etc...just because you met someone you've got the big-time hots for. And vice versa. As someone said earlier, it should ideally be a balance that works for you, a give-and-take. A partner that's great for you should add to and enhance your life. Not dominate or overwhelm it. The same should be true from his point of view also. It's a good idea to avoid letting yourself get too invested in just about anything in life. But at the same time, it's not good to be too apathetic about things and people that should be important to you. There's a middle ground. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) He was never in a position that he couldn't have me so how can that work? Apple to oranges. I don't know hun, you made the comment. "We desire most what we *can't* have." I was simply responding to that.... i.e. your husband has you, apparently he always had you ....and yet always desired you at the same time. Which makes that expression untrue...across the board. In some cases it applies, immature, insecure, commitment phobes, etc. But healthy people simply don't feel this way. That's all. Edited August 23, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 How about this then: We are more stimulated by unpredictability, than predictability. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 . But healthy people simply don't feel this way. That's all. That's not true. Even the most stable, mature of people have found themselves in a situation where they have lost control over their emotions (maybe not you), and finding themselves saying "I'm just not like this, but it's happening to me and I know what I should do, but I can't seem to help it." Trust me there have been threads posted about this. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 That's not true. Even the most stable, mature of people have found themselves in a situation where they have lost control over their emotions (maybe not you), and finding themselves saying "I'm just not like this, but it's happening to me and I know what I should do, but I can't seem to help it." Trust me there have been threads posted about this. Fair enough, you'll get no argument on that from me. Just goes to show ya, all these cliches are just that, cliches. True for some but not others. Same with your unpredictability comment. My boyfriend is definitely stimulated by my unpredictability.... but not all men would be. Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 Our desire for a person is much stronger than for an object. to add how can you desire something when you already have it? I'm not so sure about that. I have a new BMW convertible and I remember the day I went to the dealer to pick it up I wanted it more than I ever wanted any woman. Actually even now there are times when I go out I actually find myself being more interested in the drive to town rather than the actual activity. I wanted the car for 2-3 years and the desire certainly wasn't because I couldn't have it which is why I still enjoy it now. If you want something just because you can't have it then what happens once or if you have it? I'm noticing that the less I care, the more guys seem to be pursuing or more into keep seeing me and keep in touch. I feel it both with guys whom I've been on a few dates with, dated for a while and also prospective dates. WTH. Is this how things work after all? Human psychology... Ugh ugh ugh It's just their human reaction, but remember that you can't play hard to get forever — eventually you'll have to stop and then there'll be nothing to keep the guy to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Jj66 Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 How about this then: We are more stimulated by unpredictability, than predictability. People in general (and also laboratory mice) absolutely are attracted to unpredictability. The variable ratio schedule of rewards has been shown to be the most addictive. The entire gambling industry depends on this feature of the mammalian brain. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 I find it a little sad that you wanted a car more than any woman Well I am not talking about later and how the relationship develops. I am talking about initial stages, first dates or months. "Once you have it", by this theory, you have it because you invested (effort, time, thought) into it. That's what I'm talking about. You will want it because you feel you had to do things to earn it or so. I think that's how human psychology works or so? It's becoming clear to me that the more nonchalant you are, the more people run after and get more interested in you. I don't really agree that "it only happens to unhealthy people" to be honest. It seems to be human nature in general for most people. If most people found love in the good way where both parties were invested right from the start, this site wouldn't be here I'm not so sure about that. I have a new BMW convertible and I remember the day I went to the dealer to pick it up I wanted it more than I ever wanted any woman. Actually even now there are times when I go out I actually find myself being more interested in the drive to town rather than the actual activity. I wanted the car for 2-3 years and the desire certainly wasn't because I couldn't have it which is why I still enjoy it now. If you want something just because you can't have it then what happens once or if you have it? It's just their human reaction, but remember that you can't play hard to get forever — eventually you'll have to stop and then there'll be nothing to keep the guy to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author edgygirl Posted August 23, 2015 Author Share Posted August 23, 2015 While I agree that the aim should be to not be too invested in dating, this thing that everyone says about people having to be happy by themselves before they find someone... not sure I agree with that. I will only really be happy in a relationship. Also I don't care to have millions of activities or hobbies and I don't care for my partner to have it either. I am looking for a soul connection, what they do with their free time is not crucial to me. Also for those of us hopelessly romantic, a partner will never only "add" to our lives... I know a lot of people's minds works like that - but not mine and not for people with the same personality as me. Look into Myers Briggs personality types - you will see that the 16 types are a world of difference and each behaves in different regarding love - for some it's a central part of who they are, a soul connection, for others it's more matter of fact, rational thing. I know life is easier for the latter, but it's not something that one can control. It should not be difficult to avoid being TOO invested in dating. All it takes is having a happy, fulfilling life of your own, AND valuing and respecting that (as well as respecting yourself). Physically and emotionally. Don't blow off or lessen the importance of your friends, family, job, career, hobbies, passions, health, goals, etc...just because you met someone you've got the big-time hots for. And vice versa. As someone said earlier, it should ideally be a balance that works for you, a give-and-take. A partner that's great for you should add to and enhance your life. Not dominate or overwhelm it. The same should be true from his point of view also. It's a good idea to avoid letting yourself get too invested in just about anything in life. But at the same time, it's not good to be too apathetic about things and people that should be important to you. There's a middle ground. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 smackie, I figured out where our disconnect was earlier. You were defining desire as "a longing or yearning for something or someone we don't have ...wishing/hoping for something to happen, that has not yet happened." I was defining it as feeling attracted to, stimulated by something or someone, regardless of whether or not we have obtained it. For example, my bf and I have been together 5+ years, and he still feels *desire* for me (sexually for example). I think the way YOU were defining it is technically correct (as defined by Webster). Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 While I agree that the aim should be to not be too invested in dating, this thing that everyone says about people having to be happy by themselves before they find someone... not sure I agree with that. I will only really be happy in a relationship. Also I don't care to have millions of activities or hobbies and I don't care for my partner to have it either. I am looking for a soul connection, what they do with their free time is not crucial to me. Also for those of us hopelessly romantic, a partner will never only "add" to our lives... I know a lot of people's minds works like that - but not mine and not for people with the same personality as me. Look into Myers Briggs personality types - you will see that the 16 types are a world of difference and each behaves in different regarding love - for some it's a central part of who they are, a soul connection, for others it's more matter of fact, rational thing. I know life is easier for the latter, but it's not something that one can control. edgygirl .... there is nothing "wrong" with feeling this way, you are who you are, it's important to be true to yourself. As long as your partner feels the same way you do, and you are both "in sync" with each other ...re your goals and expectations ...it's all good!!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 yup if a guy tells a female she loves her too much age loses intrest No way! Don't say it enough and you're out! Link to post Share on other sites
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