(Ex) boyfriend has ADHD, could it be to blame?

[nellbell86]

After reading a few posts on here and others referring to their partners having BPD and other disorders, it got me thinking about my boyfriend and the fact he has ADHD, and wondering if that could have anything to do with what happened to our relationship. Researched online a bit and all the 'adult ADHD' symptoms and how they act in a relationship fit him to a tee!

 

Inability to concentrate/missing appointments, meetings, etc

Unstable relationships

Inability to commit to simple household chores

Relationship turning into a parent/child type scenario

Frequent mood swings

Able to focus on what's directly important to him, but not to you, making you feel lonely and like you're constantly nagging for attention

Emotional outbursts and impulsivity

 

It makes me wonder, could our break up just have been an 'emotional impulse' moment, because of his ADHD thay he couldn't comprehend working on the relationship, cos in his mind that seems like it's hard work, and chose the easy way cos that's what he's programmed to do. Could there be any glimmer of hope for us getting past this and having a future? Researching this has really made me look at his actions leading up to and since our break up in a whole new light. Obviously can't blame ALL his actions on this condition, but it certainly explains alot of his previously unexplainable behaviour.

 

I haven't spoken to him today and plan to go NC for a few weeks, if this is his issue then I know even more now that I need to give him time to simmer down and process everything he's feeling properly, but maybe after that I'd like to try and see him and see where his head is at. I've thought, should I bring up this subject? We never really talked about his ADHD apart from when he first told me he has it, he is unmedicated, I think maybe this is where the pot smoking comes into it, he uses that instead :/ Otherwise I was thinking of even talking to his mum about it, but whether that would be overstepping the line. Even if the result is we don't get back together, I still feel for him and want him to get help to cope with it and deal with adult life better than he is at the moment!

 

Anyone else had similar situations or a partner with ADHD?

[lana-banana]

Armchair diagnoses can be entertaining, but you shouldn't use them for perspective on a personal situation because they're rarely accurate (or relevant). ADHD or not, he decided he didn't want to be with you, and that's not something you can change. It's no longer your place to help him deal with adult life or anything else. Focus on yourself. Stick to NC.

[Downtown]

After reading a few posts on here and others referring to their partners having BPD and other disorders, it got me thinking about my boyfriend and the fact he has ADHD.

Nellbell, perhaps ADHD does explain much of his behavior. I note, however, that some psychologists believe adult ADHD may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- Borderline Personality Disorder (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD). Further, many of the behaviors you describe -- i.e., unstable relationships, relationship turning into a parent/child type scenario, frequent mood swings, emotional outbursts (i.e., temper tantrums), and impulsivity -- are classic warning signs for BPD.

 

It therefore may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read the more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid another painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking him back and avoid running into the arms of another man just like the one you left. Take care, Nellbell.