foolinlove79 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I want to know how people stopped caring about their ex. My ex started a new rs 2 weeks after he broke up with me. They seem very happy and compatible. We clearly were not compatible. There were things about me he just didnt like. I dont understand how people move on so fast. I mean he is telling me he loves me. Within the month we have broken up and he is on to someone else. I cant wrap my head around that. I really want to not care. But i still do.
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Usually a dumper plans ahead & has been getting over the dumpee, while still with them. Basically they use the dumpee for money, support, sex, companionship, etc until they are ready to pull the trigger. 2
maleene Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 First off, I just want to say I'm really sorry for how you're feeling. I really get you about wanting to not care but still do. My ex dumped me some months ago, then almost straight after doing so, was acting totally fine like we never dated in the first place. It left my head spinning as to how he could act like it was no big deal that he seemed to have moved on almost the day after. I tried to not care as quickly but I struggled a lot. It was only after some time that it started to ease and I began to care less and less (not to sound cruel but rather, to say that I was finding peace, let's say). With reaching a point where it won't matter so much to you, you just have to give yourself some time, too. I know that's going to take a while but I promise you will feel better, and why or how he was able to move on so fast won't be so important to you. It hurts now and you care because you're human, not a robot who has an on/off switch. When someone we trust moves on so fast, those of us who are blindsided are left baffled by how they're able to move like the wind. But it gets easier to deal with, this I'm sure of. You will reach a point where it won't bother you so much. Take this time to really focus on yourself, spoil yourself, and just do what you can not to take too much stock into what he does. I'm sorry I don't have the perfect solution for you (I'm not sure I even answered your question). Just know that there are people here to hear you out when you need to talk, and that you're certainly not alone in what you're thinking or wondering. I wish you all the best in getting over him!
guest569 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Time!! I really don't know how people move on so quickly. You just have to wait it out I guess. You'll probably care about your ex for some time to come, but will get to the stage where you care a little less and can move on without giving the ex a single thought. 1
Author foolinlove79 Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Thanks everyone. Im so down about it today. The fact is the rs wasnt great. I dont know why i hurt so much. I was talking to my friend and she said this person is great with his kids. Likes his hobbies. Is happy all the time. Gets on with his friends. So basically every complaint he had about me she meets.
Seeker12 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 smiley1 said: Time!! I really don't know how people move on so quickly. You just have to wait it out I guess. You'll probably care about your ex for some time to come, but will get to the stage where you care a little less and can move on without giving the ex a single thought. This!! Im 8 months properly out of a 7 year relationship, no communication, and i am completely fine, the odd thought comes now and then yes, but nothing which is crippling, obsessive or overwhelming. Life goes on is better, and I am actually involved with a new person who thinks the world of me! 2
organizedchaos Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 foolinlove79 said: Thanks everyone. Im so down about it today. The fact is the rs wasnt great. I dont know why i hurt so much. I was talking to my friend and she said this person is great with his kids. Likes his hobbies. Is happy all the time. Gets on with his friends. So basically every complaint he had about me she meets. Why are you so down about a relationship where you admit you weren't compatible? he clearly agrees. Based on the bolded it sounds like you need to come to terms with your part in this and learn from it. It's probably a blessing in disguise this ended.
dragonfire13 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Focus on their bad points. I know it's hard when they've moved on first, fast and seem to be happy, but if you were incompatible, there were bound to be things about him that bugged you too. See it as he did you a favour. But you can also use the experience to learn from it in the sense that, while unpleasant as it is for someone you point out your "flaws" as reasons to break up with you, see it more as constructive criticism on areas you can perhaps improve on for future relationships. Having said that my ex had similar complaints to yours and it destroyed my self-esteem. Would you really want to be with someone so super-critical? We're all human and no-one can be "happy all the time". If that's what he wants, then a superficial relationship is what he'll get. Doesn't sound good to me though, I prefer my relationships with a bit of depth. Jumping into a relationship two weeks after you guys broke up would indicate he is either rebounding or doesn't get too emotionally invested in relationships in the first place... which goes back to the point of him doing you a favour. Edited August 23, 2015 by dragonfire13
aloneinaz Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Seeker12 said: This!! Im 8 months properly out of a 7 year relationship, no communication, and i am completely fine, the odd thought comes now and then yes, but nothing which is crippling, obsessive or overwhelming. Life goes on is better, and I am actually involved with a new person who thinks the world of me! I like this advice. Yes, it's going to take a while to get them totally out of your system. I was NO WHERE over my last ex when I started dating 6 weeks after getting dumped. After 6 weeks, I was fully functioning again and focusing on the fact that she was probably BPD and wouldn't change, gave me the discipline to stay NC and recognize she wasn't a good fit for me what so ever. I always say this. EVERYONE who's dating is at some stage of trying to get over their last ex. There's always the risk of meeting/dating someone who isn't over their ex and then goes back to them. I don't think the risk is any higher than dating someone and it not working out for whatever reason. I'm truly a believer that folks who chose to stay homebound, obsess about getting dumped and wallow and feel sorry for themselves while not dating, take MUCH longer to "get over" there last one. As I started dating again, I felt immediate improvement in my mood, self esteem and confidence. I casually dated for a couple of months then met my now 2 year GF. When I started dating my now GF, I wasn't OVER my last one, but.. I knew that time passing from that ex and building a new R/S with the new one would prove the correct combination. It was. Being w/my new GF also demonstrated how screwed up my ex was. 1
dumbass2 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) One word....acceptance It's usually the final stage of getting over someone. It's when you realize all hope is gone. You may tell yourself early on that there is no hope, but that is usually denial and is your brain trying to convince your heart. Just allow yourself to go through the different emotional stages and in time you will get to acceptance. There is no time frame. Some are able to a lot faster than others. I should add, that this doesn't mean that you totally don't care any more, it's just the point where you don't care enough to want a relationship with that person and can move on without thinking about them. You may never stop care about them, just not in a romantic way. Edited August 23, 2015 by dumbass2
Author foolinlove79 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 I know i have issues now. I am totally ****ed up and terribly hurt. Someone on here asked why i care when we were not compatible. Clearly we were not. I suppose somewhere i had hope he would realise what he had in me. Someone who loved him. I thought that was enough. But i guess love is not enough. And you cant make someone care. Everyone says to date again but i am not ready. I dont think i could handle rejection right now. And i am terrified of getting hurt. I was hoping this wouldnt last. That she was just a distraction. But seems like she might be the one for him. I wish i could be happy for him. I still miss him i guess. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 aloneinaz said: I'm truly a believer that folks who chose to stay homebound, obsess about getting dumped and wallow and feel sorry for themselves while not dating, take MUCH longer to "get over" there last one. As I started dating again, I felt immediate improvement in my mood, self esteem and confidence. I casually dated for a couple of months then met my now 2 year GF. Endings are tragic. Like when you lose a beloved pet. What do most people do to get over the loss of their loyal dog? They get a new puppy, maybe one with papers that can do sweet tricks. There's billions of people out there. Anyone who thinks they'll never find someone who they could fall in love again is being naive. 2
Author foolinlove79 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 maleene said: First off, I just want to say I'm really sorry for how you're feeling. I really get you about wanting to not care but still do. My ex dumped me some months ago, then almost straight after doing so, was acting totally fine like we never dated in the first place. It left my head spinning as to how he could act like it was no big deal that he seemed to have moved on almost the day after. I tried to not care as quickly but I struggled a lot. It was only after some time that it started to ease and I began to care less and less (not to sound cruel but rather, to say that I was finding peace, let's say). With reaching a point where it won't matter so much to you, you just have to give yourself some time, too. I know that's going to take a while but I promise you will feel better, and why or how he was able to move on so fast won't be so important to you. It hurts now and you care because you're human, not a robot who has an on/off switch. When someone we trust moves on so fast, those of us who are blindsided are left baffled by how they're able to move like the wind. But it gets easier to deal with, this I'm sure of. You will reach a point where it won't bother you so much. Take this time to really focus on yourself, spoil yourself, and just do what you can not to take too much stock into what he does. I'm sorry I don't have the perfect solution for you (I'm not sure I even answered your question). Just know that there are people here to hear you out when you need to talk, and that you're certainly not alone in what you're thinking or wondering. I wish you all the best in getting over him! Thanks. I do find it surreal. I know logically the how he can move on so fast question should not matter. To me it just means i meant nothing to him at all. I guess everyone is different. I just dont see how after a loss like that which to me acrually fe3ls a bit like a death, how can u not need some time out to grieve it. At least more then 2 bloody weeks.
mightycpa Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) foolinlove79 said: I want to know how people stopped caring about their ex. My ex started a new rs 2 weeks after he broke up with me. They seem very happy and compatible. We clearly were not compatible. There were things about me he just didnt like. I dont understand how people move on so fast. I mean he is telling me he loves me. Within the month we have broken up and he is on to someone else. I cant wrap my head around that. I really want to not care. But i still do.I don't think you need to stop caring about your ex. What you need to stop caring about is the part where they don't want you. That's two different things... your love is very selfish right now, but getting over somebody doesn't actually require that you don't care about them. I think that one of the things that gets you stuck is that your identity as a person is wrapped up in your ex. You identify with "us" much more strongly than you identify with "me".... and when half of "us" goes away, then that is the hole you're left trying to fill. It can really tear your reality to shreds. You need to get a strong sense of yourself, and that helps ground you and see the other person differently. That's why people who get through this almost invariably talk about how they improved themselves, or worked on certain aspects of them. They filled in some blanks with what they wanted to be is what they did, and doing that helps immensely. So my advice would be to start thinking about yourself, not in terms of loss, but in terms of who and what you'd like to see in yourself. Then take some action to make it happen. Fill in the blanks that are in your life now. Oh, and this: Quote To me it just means i meant nothing to him at all.You're taking it far too personally. He didn't seek to harm you, it just worked out that way. He can no more control who he is attracted to than you can. If you could, you'd snap your fingers and be over him, wouldn't you? Of course you would, but you can't control that, and neither can he. So you have the right sentiment, but the wrong verb tense. You meant more to him before than you do now. Self-pity is what is making you invalidate the entire relationship. Just accept that things changed for him towards the end, even if they didn't for you. I'm sure that's a lot closer to the truth, and right now is a critical time for you to start telling yourself the truth. It's damn hard, but you have to do it. Edited August 24, 2015 by mightycpa 1
aloneinaz Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 foolinlove79 said: I know i have issues now. I am totally ****ed up and terribly hurt. Someone on here asked why i care when we were not compatible. Clearly we were not. I suppose somewhere i had hope he would realise what he had in me. Someone who loved him. I thought that was enough. But i guess love is not enough. And you cant make someone care. Everyone says to date again but i am not ready. I dont think i could handle rejection right now. And i am terrified of getting hurt. I was hoping this wouldnt last. That she was just a distraction. But seems like she might be the one for him. I wish i could be happy for him. I still miss him i guess. On top of what CPA stated, these statements to me, say you need to take this alone time and work on your self esteem and confidence OP. I mean this in a gentle way. Everyone gets a bit rattled and suffers confidence issues after a break up, especially if they were dumped. It's normal. Now, after X amount of time, most realize they are not perfect and choose to NOT take the rejection so personally. Who doesn't know someone who's been kicked to the curb? They get through the horrible first weeks and come to their senses and decide that "life's to short" for this BS. You need to come to the realization of this fact. Your pride and ego needs to kick in and say "you don't want me in your life, fine!" Then, eventually start putting yourself out there to find someone who would be THRILLED to have you in their life. I can tell you that I was kicked to the curb in my last R/S that ended. I kept telling myself that statement above. I kept reminding myself that her decision was her loss. I met my now 2 year GF a few months after picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on the dating horse again. My GF now, blows this ex out of the water in everyway. You can meet someone new as well. You just need to work on your self esteem, confidence and belief in yourself.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 mightycpa said: He didn't seek to harm you, it just worked out that way. He can no more control who he is attracted to than you can. If you could, you'd snap your fingers and be over him, wouldn't you? Of course you would, but you can't control that, and neither can he. So you have the right sentiment, but the wrong verb tense. You meant more to him before than you do now. Self-pity is what is making you invalidate the entire relationship. Just accept that things changed for him towards the end, even if they didn't for you. I'm sure that's a lot closer to the truth, and right now is a critical time for you to start telling yourself the truth. It's damn hard, but you have to do it.Thanks for this.
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