jenko Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) A few days ago my ex of over 1 year broke up with me in the middle of nowhere. I was blindsided. I had been over at his house 4 days in a row and usually he asked me to go over so we can spend time together. Since I work late hours and weekends I can only go over to eat and sleep. I got the worst text saying we need to talk that 4th night. He broke up with me and said the same bs most men say. I deserve better, he can't be the man he thinks I deserve to be. etc. etc. I cried and he started sobbing and I left. The next morning I felt the urge to ask him when he started having these thoughts and most importantly why. I decided to fight for what I wanted. He called me the next night to talk on the phone and he told me he felt that he had two sides to him. One side felt that he could be truly happy with me but another side had doubts. He was wishy washy and I basically came to conclusion that he probably thought the grass was greener on the other side. I told him to reconsider(not in a begging way) and told him that he was throwing away something great. He said he had to think about it and that we would talk in person the next week. Two days later he sent me an article about some robberies around my work and told me to "please becareful". Started liking my ig post and snaps(which he never did before). I am doing NC until he reaches a decision. Trying to think that it's most likely going to be over. Can someone tell me what's going on in his head? I do want him back but the damage is already done. I feel immense pain and I want to heal. Should I respond to his next message? Should I do NC right now? Would he have said next week to brush me off so he didn't have to deal with this issue at the moment? I need help and support! Thank you Edited August 23, 2015 by jenko
darkbloom Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Please go straight NC. Block and delete him from IG and snapchat. Go completely ghost. If he wants to get back together with you, he will make it very clear. He broke up with you and if he's not coming back, NC will get you on the path to heal right away. Also, who wants to be with someone who has doubts about being with them? 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Also, who wants to be with someone who has doubts about being with them? I certainly don't wanna be with someone who doubts or doesn't wanna be with me. They're just wasting our time. Sometimes people get cold feet and sometimes people are just flakey. Like darkbloom said, go NC and vanish from his life forever. There's so much more in life than to cry over these people who could care less about us. 1
LostInLimbo Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Gotta say, The Line you can do better also comes from Females.. lol I lived with one..I know.....anyways, I too would go NC, don't waste time, on something thats not there, move on and find someone who deserves you. My Ex said to me, you can do better, I responded,, yes I agree and did find someone better LiL 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Don't wait around for him. Why would you want to need to convince someone to be with you? Block him on social media. Go No Contact, yes. There's no need to respond to the article he sent you. I think he's trying to make himself feel less guilty for hurting you. This happened to me once, several years ago. Looking back now, I could see that there were signs he was pulling away. He said the same thing - I deserved better. Classic line. Did you notice anything amiss? In my case, unfortunately, the doubts stemmed from him having met someone else. I didn't discover that until long after the fact, and by then I indeed had found someone better.
Author jenko Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 I didn't notice anything amiss. We have never fought before either and things seemed like they were going great. We made future plans and just like that he decided that he didn't want me in his life. Everyday it's getting easier for me but it's still so hard to let him go. I feel like deleting him off social media completely would severe every possible tie.
guest569 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 He has your phone number though does he and knows where you live I presume. You've laid your cards on the table and that's all you can do aside from walk away with your head held high and start your healing process. How I wish I had done that during my breakup, don't contact him!!
salparadise Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 One side felt that he could be truly happy with me but another side had doubts. He was wishy washy and I basically came to conclusion that he probably thought the grass was greener on the other side. [...] He said he had to think about it and that we would talk in person the next week. Can someone tell me what's going on in his head? I do want him back but the damage is already done. Yea, once someone tells you you're not good enough it's probably not going to be the same even if you do get back with him. At that point you know you're hanging on a thread, the power is all out of balance and it's like they're being charitable by allowing you to be around. I had a girlfriend a few years ago, the only one I've felt deeply connected with since my divorce, who put me on notice two weeks before Christmas that she was thinking about breaking up and needed a month of to decide, during which time she didn't want to talk. So there I was, dangling on a thread... one of the saddest Christmases imaginable... limbo sucks. Now that I have the benefit of hindsight I know that it was wrong to put up with her think-about-it-for-a-month crap. I should've said, well if you have to think about it for more than two seconds then I'll save us both the drama––hasta la vista baby. But being in shock I didn't do that and suffered for a month hoping that she would come to her senses, and then went through it all over again a month later when she finally said it was over. I won't make that mistake again. Nobody can tell you what's going on in his head. Either he's truly unhappy with the relationship (GIGs or whatever) or he's terrified of vulnerability and is taking the exit to escape deeper feelings, losing his sense of autonomy, etc. I think the only reasonable thing to do is let him go, grieve the loss, and embrace the possibilities with hope and optimism.
Jaggerz Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Oh man. I was in the same boat with the other "thinking about it", but only for one day... That day completely annihilated me to the point I was literally sick. If she would have 'thought' about it for a full week I am not even sure how I would've ended up. Please take care of yourself and do NOT cling onto the very small chance that he will come back. Most likely, he will tell you it is not happening and then you fall even deeper into the pit. Please accept that he left, that he broke it off, and that you should heal now. Go NC (that is what has been fixing me for the last 7 days) and if he tells you something that isn't absolutely vital, just don't respond.
healingsoul Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Have you heard from him again? Are did you finally contact him? Being with a person in a relationship for a year is a long time. From what you have shared it seems he is very confused about how he feels and he doubts his ability to be what he thinks you deserve. I wondering if by talking to him you could find out what caused him to begin to have doubts about himself. Something might have happen in his life that he is not sharing that made him feel disappointed in himself to think you deserved better. I don’t think NC with him really helps resolve the situation and that is why you feel like you are in limbo. The text about the robberies shows he does care and he is trying to stay connected. Remember that it is important that you are growing to be the best person you can be regardless of how this relationship works out.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Don't ever allow relationship limbo. If someone is not sure if they want to be with you, consider it a breakup and go NC. I wish I had done this from the jump. Instead I endured a week of pure agony, stomach sickness as Jaggerz said, and supreme anxiety. F*ck that noise. Never again. Spare yourself and tell him it's over and not to contact. 1
mightycpa Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Yeah, you should bail now, but I think given what you've already told him, you've got to tell him you've changed your mind, and you have decided to take him at his word. Ask him to refrain from contacting you in any way until you contact him first. Then don't contact him until you're completely over him. Even then, you probably won't feel like it. But be prepared for the anguish that is NC. Don't disappear, then reappear a couple weeks later because you don't have the backbone, because you're not doing yourself any favors.
Meli22 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I completely know how you feel because I was in your position some time ago. I was in limbo for 4 months! We were still in a relationship but during this time my boyfriend was having doubts about whether I was the one or not. These doubts also came from nowhere; nothing in particular triggered them. No arguments, nothing. I thought we were doing great. The only complaint I had was that we fell into a rut. This was mostly down to my ex because he usually just wanted to watch TV. When he started having doubts, he didn't want to go out with me at all. He treated me terribly! He was so cold, refused intimacy and became even more controlling than he usually was. Whereas I was doing anything I could to hold us together despite him being the one with unexplainable doubts. As I said, I put up with it for 4 months before I finally decided I'd had enough and I walked away. Why should I be with someone who isn't sure about me? I went nc straight away. Some time after the split we spoke and he said he still didn't know why he started feeling unsure. I honestly think he felt like he could do better. He had a very good job and was a perfectionist and always wanting to do better in general. I feel like he felt this way with relationships too. I've had a few very subtle smoke signals over the last few weeks which I'm not responding to. But I've learnt that if someone isn't sure about me, then I'll let them go. Never will I ever be that patient again if someone is having doubts about me. I lost all self respect but managed to start gaining that back from the day I left him. I think you're best bet is to totally dissapear. Let him see what life is like without you. You deserve more than someone who can't commit 100% for no logical reason. 1
QueenDeath Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Wished I did this when my ex wanted a break, **** drove me mad. Just tell your partner you've had enough, why should you be with someone that isn't sure they want to be with you? Why be waiting in the limbo while you can spend that time healing, moving on and continuing with your life? Go NC and heal. <3
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