Author njoylife Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Hi Njoy, Just went through your thread. Well my opinion for what it may be worth is this. Your GF is not wrong in her behaviour or attitude where she stands but neither are you! Your GF would make a good Hotwife and a number of men would be very happy to have her as a wife. On the other hand an even greater number of men like you would not be able to accept her traits and would shun her. So it is a question of "To each his/her own". Like I said she will make a good wife for 'a' type of man, just not you! No point losing sleep over it. Let her down gently and go your seperate ways. In case you have not heard of the term Hotwife just Google it. Cheers! I hope you find and marry a HOTWIFE and watch her getting banned everyday by different guys, if that's what you are really after, thanks for the advice though
Author njoylife Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 You're actually looking at this - and thinking it out, and accepting it - in quite a mature way. The bottom line is this: She has a past you can neither change, nor deal with. Her past may be rooted in an attitude towards men that may well need addressing psychologically/professionally. You are NOT her therapist, and nothing on this earth dictates that if something goes against our grain, we should work to accept it. you can't judge her, but then, if you have certain attitudes and needs, then that too, is who you are. I appreciate that your feel torn emotionally. I think the fairest thing to do would be to be open with her, and tell her exactly what you said above. You think she's an absolute gem, but her past troubles you. You think there's a warped tendency in her behaviour, which given her past may be explicable, but you can't deal with it. You appreciate it's your issue, but you can't help feeling she too, has issues. And end it. Yep, that's it, summarized it quite well. You know what's so interesting about this situation, it's funny how these things can be so important. Now imagine I never found this Tinder and never knew about this? Probably we would be very happy together for a long time. Our personalities are compatible. How can such a small detail completely ruin seemingly very good connection between two people? How can a connection between two people depend on whether I'm going to find the Tinder or Not. How? Such a small annoying irrelevant thing!
salparadise Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 OP, I'm curious about something... If you could have sex with six different girls in a month, would you? Ah, you're going to squeeze this one through the gender equality strainer, eh? That's going to fail because women are born with this thing called virtue. The ones who carelessly discard their virtue are not well thought of, generally... in the context of wifey material... they may be quite popular in other contexts. Women on here talk a lot about finding the "right kind" of guy... one that makes money, is generous and has enough integrity that he won't try to screw her sister. Why would it be such a stretch that a guy might find it distasteful that his girlfriend phukked six random strangers the month prior? The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I'd probably throw this one back... and proceed directly to the doctor's office to get tested. 1
veggirl Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I would never date a guy who was sleeping around that much RIGHT before meeting me. That is NOT "the past" when it was a WEEK prior! I don't blame you OP, I'd be grossed out.
salparadise Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I posted here because I was thinking that may be there is a way not to be so judging, because we fit with so many other things and I really really like her It's just this thing!! but the more I think about it the more I understand we are just way too different and there's no way I just can't handle this. OP, you don't have to adjust for anyone or apologize for having standards and preferring a partner who does too. Judging is not always wrong; heaven knows women judge men... well, ok some of them do. You're not wrong for preferring a woman who exhibits some restraint and discretion. You have a right to feel how you feel without being shamed.
Lois_Griffin Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Now, who does that? :( I don't know what to think of her? Is there something wrong with this behavior or it's only me?? Somehow I don't see her with the same eyes I used to see her before :( I just find it very disturbing she agreed on these sex arrangements so fast, she agrees without even seeking the guy live? She agrees to have sex while still chatting with them, then they meet, straight to their place ( no dates, no coffee, no nothing). Almost like a prostitute , I'm super shocked Who does that? Who does that? Someone with absolutely no self respect whatsoever. I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. God KNOWS what she's carrying. 1
CarrieT Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Ah, you're going to squeeze this one through the gender equality strainer, eh? Nope - and that was a big assumption on your part. I was going to show the double-standard that women often want the same thing that men want. That's going to fail because women are born with this thing called virtue. I disagree. I believe people are born with virtue, but that is a quality that may have nothing to do acting upon sexual urges. The ones who carelessly discard their virtue are not well thought of, generally... in the context of wifey material... they may be quite popular in other contexts. And again, I disagree. You are tying "virtue" together with other qualities that make a great wife (or husband) but it is an easy thing to do and is done all the time. I just don't happen to believe that someone who has slept around can't make a good spouse. I do believe society in general ties one's sexual proclivity with qualities that makes one a good partner and I believe that is a misnomer across the board. But I can argue that point ad nauseum - citing myself as an example - but too many believe that someone who has been promiscuous can't be monogamous. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I'd probably throw this one back... and proceed directly to the doctor's office to get tested. We can agree to disagree. I was one of those promiscuous women, however I have also been 100% loyal and monogamous in the confines of my relationships. When I am single, all bets are off and there is no reason I can't have fun. When I am ready to have a serious, committed relationship, I do exactly that. 5
Justanaverageguy Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 No, I don't think either of us has the problem. The problem seems to be with those who want to categorise and pigeon-hole people into specific compartments of player, prostitute, normal, casual.... When it comes to sex, enjoyment of sex, desire, fetish, fantasy and other attributes, there is NO 'normal'. People do what they want to do because they do what they want to do. One man's 'prostitute' is another's free-lovin' gal. One person's player, is another's exciting lover. She did what she did because there is no because. She wanted to. And so did they. But you see what I mean about perceiving another person's proclivities through narrowed vision? Yep agree with the sentiment. As Shakespeare said - Nothing is either good nor bad, only thinking makes it so. The way we choose to view something determines how we feel about it. Thinking is a dangerous pursuit - touch a thought and it will bite you It is not her actions that make this bad. It is simply the OP's interpretation of how he wants a woman or his girlfriend to act. What the OP "believes" that says about her actually says much more about him. He thinks that a girl who gives up sex easily .... are less valuable. Culturally ingrained stereo type - guys like a woman who is "hard to get" because we think that means we are awesome by being able to obtain them and most men also link it to them being more likely to be faithful in a long term relationship. But the OP could also choose to alter his viewpoint and see this another way. This girl has perhaps met and had sex with many guys .... but he is the only one she seriously considered a relationship with. Wouldn't that be a positive thing and make it more likely she will remain faithful ? She evidently values him more then the other guys she had ONS with and only chose to have a serious relationship with him. Which view point is correct ? Depends on how you choose to look at it.
Author njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) But the OP could also choose to alter his viewpoint and see this another way. This girl has perhaps met and had sex with many guys .... but he is the only one she seriously considered a relationship with. Wouldn't that be a positive thing and make it more likely she will remain faithful ? She evidently values him more then the other guys she had ONS with and only chose to have a serious relationship with him. Which view point is correct ? Depends on how you choose to look at it. Hehe This became very philosophical discussion Of course everything is a point of view, even if we take a murderer from absolute objective point is innocent, why? Because the only ones who think he has done something wrong are other people...Do animals think he is bad? No. All is point of view. I can't consider myself special, because she texted and wanted to meet these guys again, but never got an answer from them. So they refused to meet her again basically. It wasn't her choice, it was their choice. Her choice was that she wants them again. She could have been serious with any one of them. I can't be thinking that I'm more special due to some qualities I have in my situation Indeed she does value me more from a point of view that I'm the only one who payed her enough attention and replied back to her and met her again. Have others done the same, she would have valued them as well. Edited August 24, 2015 by njoylife
Justanaverageguy Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) Hehe This became very philosophical discussion Of course everything is a point of view, even if we take a murderer from absolute objective point is innocent, why? Because the only ones who think he has done something wrong are other people...Do animals think he is bad? No. All is point of view. I can't consider myself special, because she texted and wanted to meet these guys again, but never got an answer from them. So they refused to meet her again basically. It wasn't her choice, it was their choice. Her choice was that she wants them again. She could have been serious with any one of them. I can't be thinking that I'm more special due to some qualities I have in my situation Indeed she does value me more from a point of view that I'm the only one who payed her enough attention and replied back to her and met her again. Have others done the same, she would have valued them as well. So based on the comment above your issue really is simply that you don't feel "special" because you feel another man could have got her first without a lot of effort if they wanted to. So you place more importance on the effort it took to start the relationship and capture her attention then on how you actually feel about her now. Whether you connect emotionally and are compatible with each other, her sense of humor, her honesty and whether she is a good person who treats you and other people with kindness and respect. Again nothing is either good nor bad .... only thinking makes it so. I'm not judging. I simply ask what is more important to you in a relationship partner ? How difficult your girlfriend was to "obtain" or what type of person she is now you actually got to know her ? In our overly materialistic world we frequently equate value only with how difficult the item is to obtain. With material goods the higher price indicates higher value. With rocks like diamonds and gold they are valuable simply because they are rare and require a lot of effort to obtain. Every now and then however a man might stumble across a diamond in a field many others have walked over before without noticing. Maybe others even picked up the rock but didn't realize what it was and put it back. Does the value of the diamond decrease because he didn't work hard or pay a lot of money to get it ? Does he throw the diamond away when he finds out other men have previously seen the stone but decided not to take it ? The man who throws away something he has seen value in simply because another man didn't see the same thing is the very definition of a fool Edited August 24, 2015 by Justanaverageguy 3
harkkam Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Dude don't listen to these feminists, or these apologists. I don't like people who treat sex like brushing their teeth or eating breakfast. That if she or he is down its good to go. Your gf doesn't link self respect to her sexual acts. I think hookup culture in general sucks. You don't have to bend and accept it. 2
lino Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Definitely not girlfriend material, sorry. No guy wants to be the 50th knob his girl has sat on... No matter how one tries to rationalise it. 1
Author njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) So based on the comment above your issue really is simply that you don't feel "special" because you feel another man could have got her first without a lot of effort if they wanted to. So you place more importance on the effort it took to start the relationship and capture her attention then on how you actually feel about her now. Whether you connect emotionally and are compatible with each other, her sense of humor, her honesty and whether she is a good person who treats you and other people with kindness and respect. I simply ask what is more important to you in a relationship partner ? How difficult your girlfriend was to "obtain" or what type of person she is now you actually got to know her ? Not feeling special is probably one thing yes, which is kind of an EGO thing, which is not that important overall perhaps but another more important is that I just feel she lacks any kind of self respect, which is part of her personality. People want to connect to strong personalities not to weak ones. Lack of self respect is weakness. Generally, that's the issue. But even these things logically should be not that important compared to our general compatibility as you mentioned : sense of humor, honesty, how she treats me etc. Somewhere deeply in myself I know you are right, on a very deep level, however I guess I'm still not mature enough to such level, my mind is obsessed with the other things and just can't ignore them. It's just that our compatibility is also defined by what kind of person she is. And these actions speaks about how she treats sex and about her as well. I guess it's more important for me than her being kind, cute, honest :( May be I'm immature who knows...that's how I feel I mean how she was obtained also speaks and gives us some kind of information about the person right? How she thinks, her morals etc. So may be it's not something that should be disregarded so easily. Edited August 24, 2015 by njoylife
loveflower Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Again nothing is either good nor bad .... only thinking makes it so. I'm not judging. I simply ask what is more important to you in a relationship partner ? How difficult your girlfriend was to "obtain" or what type of person she is now you actually got to know her ? In our overly materialistic world we frequently equate value only with how difficult the item is to obtain. With material goods the higher price indicates higher value. With rocks like diamonds and gold they are valuable simply because they are rare and require a lot of effort to obtain. How can people live without thinking and judging? Every now and then however a man might stumble across a diamond in a field many others have walked over before without noticing. Maybe others even picked up the rock but didn't realize what it was and put it back. Does the value of the diamond decrease because he didn't work hard or pay a lot of money to get it ? Does he throw the diamond away when he finds out other men have previously seen the stone but decided not to take it ? Isn't this require judgment? so you basically contradict yourself right away you made a statement. The man who throws away something he has seen value in simply because another man didn't see the same thing is the very definition of a fool the problem is: has OP seen the value? what are the values? or don't you think that he can find someone more valuable ?
lino Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 OP with time, you'll quickly learn why women like this are the way they are if you have enough experiences with them. And not being sexist here either. Promiscuous men are the same way but women value men like that. It's the big difference and why the supposed slut/stud double standard exists. They want what other women have/want. Most blokes dont value that. Ah, you're going to squeeze this one through the gender equality strainer, eh? That's going to fail because women are born with this thing called virtue. The ones who carelessly discard their virtue are not well thought of, generally... in the context of wifey material... they may be quite popular in other contexts. Women on here talk a lot about finding the "right kind" of guy... one that makes money, is generous and has enough integrity that he won't try to screw her sister. Why would it be such a stretch that a guy might find it distasteful that his girlfriend phukked six random strangers the month prior? The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. I'd probably throw this one back... and proceed directly to the doctor's office to get tested. Excellently said. Funny how 'the past is the past' is only so when talking about this. All other things, the past is suddenly relevant, important and should be divulged 2
loveflower Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) OP with time, you'll quickly learn why women like this are the way they are if you have enough experiences with them. And not being sexist here either. Promiscuous men are the same way but women value men like that. It's the big difference and why the supposed slut/stud double standard exists. They want what other women have/want. Most blokes dont value that. : That's BS! I view promiscuous men just as bad as women. Tell you what I have a guy friend who said he was a model. He also told us he had had women around 2 digits in his life time. so despite the fact I think he likes me( he wanted to hug me while watching movie with others and he refused to pretend to be my bf in an event because I wanted to make another I used to like jealous, etc...), I just can't get over the fact how many women he had been with... now my male friend is no comparison at all with this girl. I might try to get over it... haven't you seen how many women here in this thread stated they don't like promiscuous men? you keep hiding... Edited August 24, 2015 by loveflower 1
Author njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 loveflower, you're a girl? Damn.....that mindset tho...you're thinking like a guy All your comments I read, i'm like, aah, nice, this bro is supporting me hahaha
Author njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 Funny how 'the past is the past' is only so when talking about this. I'm thinking what's the male equivalent to be judged for his past that would be eventually a deal breaker among many women? Because no matter girls also don't like promiscuous guys, I somehow feel that it wouldn't be that much of a deal breaker to her as it would be to a guy. So is there an equivalent to "promiscuous girl= deal breaker" for a guy? May be some will say it's the same both sides, but I feel it's more important for guys for some reason..
Toodaloo Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 njoy. Can I just point out that the other guys were just fulfilling a function. Its no worse that going and getting you car tyres changed at the garage rather than do it yourself. For her all those guys were "disposable". They were just something to pass the time and fulfil a need at the time. Once she met someone who she considered worthy she stopped. To me that shows that she has her feet on the ground and is far from the names that some are referring to her as on this thread. I actually have no problem what so ever with this. I am not a girl who can sleep around but I still don't think she has done anything wrong or nasty here. She has been completely upfront and honest with you. She treats you very well and you are in general very happy. Don't be a doufus and get your knickers in a twist just because she had a short period of time being a bit wild. Or be a doufus and get rid of a woman who is clearly treating you very well because you can't be man enough to realise that women enjoy sex just as much as men. 2
Justanaverageguy Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) How can people live without thinking and judging? Isn't this require judgment? So you basically contradict yourself right away you made a statement. I didn't ask anyone not to think or judge I simply said that nothing is either good nor bad only thinking makes it so. You and the OP have control over how you think .... and how you think then determines whether you "judge" something as good or bad. So you can actually control whether to see something as either good or bad because they are flexible ideas. What you define as "valuable" in a partner is also flexible. Not everyone value the same things do they ? How the OP thinks and the perspective he "chooses" to embrace here is entirely up to him. I'm just trying to show him where his current line of "thoughts" and "emotions" on this topic actually come from and how he is determining "value". Essentially that he is assigning value based on "what other men think" and "how difficult his gf was to obtain". the problem is: has OP seen the value? what are the values? or don't you think that he can find someone more valuable ? Again it entirely depends on how you define value. Like I said not saying you are wrong I'm just saying there are different ways to define value other then how many sexual partners a woman has had and how many other men want her. I personally define value in relationship partners very differently. For me the current line of thinking the OP is using reminds me of a little boy with the toy .... he's only interested in the toys other kids want's to play with it Edited August 24, 2015 by Justanaverageguy
Author njoylife Posted August 24, 2015 Author Posted August 24, 2015 njoy. For her all those guys were "disposable". They were just something to pass the time and fulfil a need at the time. Once she met someone who she considered worthy she stopped. To me that shows that she has her feet on the ground and is far from the names that some are referring to her as on this thread. Hi. The thing is they weren't disposable since she wanted to keep contact with all of them but it's them who refused and cut her off, that means she wanted and pushed further to be with them. It didn't matter to her who she was with, she just wanted someone. She doesn't have it in her mind as "I used these guys for sex but now I met someone who is valuable so let's settle down". That would be very good, but I don't think this is the guy analyzing the situation The case is she was kind of desperate for attention and I'm the first one who responded back so she got stuck to me. If any other of these guys would have responded back she would have been with him. She didn't think they were less valuable than me or that I have more worth than them. IT's just the simple thing that I'm the one who wanted to continue seeing her. I know this because I talked with her and from what she told me and how she sees things, this is how it is....
Toodaloo Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 For me the current line of thinking the OP is using reminds me of a little boy with the toy .... he's only interested in the toys other kids want's to play with it But the other kids can't play with the toy either in case it gets diiiirrrrtttteeee. Very backward thinking.
autumnnight Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 For me, this wouldn't be an issue because I wouldn't use Tinder to begin with - I KNOW Tinder is a swipe to hookup app. It's not like it's EHarmony or something. You are entitled to decide that this girl is not for you. You are even entitled to decide that based on how uncomfortable all her hookups make you. What you are NOT entitled to do is try to label her as universally and objectively "bad and damaged and undateable" just because of YOUR preference, and it doesn't sound like you are doing that. So good, that makes you miles ahead of a lot of men on forums You don't want to date a girl who exchanged 3 sentences and picture with a guy before having sex. I don't blame you. The problem comes when people make always and never sweeping statements about things or decide it is fine for men but not for women, etc. Standards are fine. Hypocrisy is pitiable. 3
Justanaverageguy Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 But the other kids can't play with the toy either in case it gets diiiirrrrtttteeee. Very backward thinking. So ideal situation is everyone else wants his toy, but no one has previously been allowed to play with it. I think this is why they had enforced virginity 1000 years back. 1
joseb Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 That's BS! I view promiscuous men just as bad as women. He also told us he had had women around 2 digits in his life time. I just can't get over the fact how many women he had been with... . So he has slept with 10 women and you think thats a lot??
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