Read gf's Tinder :( Deeply regret it, how to cope?

[njoylife]

Hi guys, nice forum you have here Here's my issue basically....

After 2 months of being together saw it on her phone and got curios, thought she is still using it, she refused, asked for permission to read the last chats, she agreed.

 

Last chats were a week before we met, so that's good. Problem is that I read the chats and what they were chatting and now can't get it out of my head.

 

One of the chats literally goes like this:

 

Guy: Hi

She : Hi

Guy : How are you

She : I'm fine

Guy: I wanna lick you

Guy: Wanna come over

She : May be

 

After that they exchange what's up do some sexting, meet on the next day, have sex and split. It's like a sex arrangement. Guy has a very good ripped body (gym instructor) and below average looking face.

 

And few more chats go in the same direction, she basically agrees extremely fast to whatever the guys offer, meets them the next day, has sex and leaves, never hears from them again. She slept with 6 guys for one month and then met me.

 

Now, who does that? :( I don't know what to think of her? Is there something wrong with this behavior or it's only me?? Somehow I don't see her with the same eyes I used to see her before :( I just find it very disturbing she agreed on these sex arrangements so fast, she agrees without even seeking the guy live? She agrees to have sex while still chatting with them, then they meet, straight to their place ( no dates, no coffee, no nothing). Almost like a prostitute , I'm super shocked Who does that? Is there something wrong with her or I'm judging her too much ?

Edited August 22, 2015 by njoylife

[Shining One]

She slept with 6 guys for one month and then met me.

 

Now, who does that?

While I haven't slept with 6 women in one month, I have had a few strings of ONS. I probably would have equal or higher numbers if I could get sex as easily as she could.

Is there something wrong with this behavior or it's only me??

There isn't anything wrong with this behavior. She seems to enjoy casual sex and thus engages in it.

Almost like a prostitute , I'm super shocked

I fail to see this analogy. Are these men paying her money? She seems to be having sex simply because she wants to have sex.

Is there something wrong with her or I'm judging her too much ?

There's nothing wrong with her (based on the information you've posted). You are being judgmental (comparing her to a prostitute), but you may have discovered incompatible views on sex. Some people are more open about sex than others. You need to determine if this is a deal-breaker for you and act accordingly.

[Teknoe]

There isn't anything wrong with this behavior.

 

 

Um, unless I missed something, the title says it's his GF. When you're in a relationship (and I assume it's understood to be an exclusive relationship), it's very much wrong behavior to be cheating.

 

Either don't cheat or break up first before engaging with another partner sexually. It's not against the law, but c'mon. It's in bad taste.

[Shining One]

Um, unless I missed something, the title says it's his GF. When you're in a relationship (and I assume it's understood to be an exclusive relationship), it's very much wrong behavior to be cheating.

Yes, you missed this:

Last chats were a week before we met, so that's good.

[TaraMaiden2]

Um, unless I missed something, the title says it's his GF.

Yes, you missed something... she wasn't with him when she did this...

 

...She slept with 6 guys for one month and then met me.

 

When you're in a relationship (and I assume it's understood to be an exclusive relationship), it's very much wrong behavior to be cheating.

Yup.

WHEN you're IN a relationship.

At that point, the OP and this girl - weren't in a relationship...

 

Either don't cheat or break up first before engaging with another partner sexually. It's not against the law, but c'mon. It's in bad taste.

She did neither.

 

So, now what?

 

njoylife Your forum name describes her attitude/behaviour perfectly.

 

She enjoys life.

 

I hate to say this (although truth to say, it is becoming less of an issue, socially) if a GUY had done this, most people would consider it no big deal; he's a guy, guys like sex, and if they can get it in ONSs, then good for them.

 

But get a gal doing the same thing - and suddenly she's a 'prostitute'...?

 

She had sex with different guys, and enjoyed herself.

 

 

If you have a problem with this, then YOU - have the problem.

 

You have to consider what you want to do about your problem.

 

But this is not on her. It's on you.

[loveflower]

Personally, if a guy is like that, I couldn't dump him fast enough.

 

at this rate, she had had at least 72 f bodies in a year.....holy crap! make sure you get tested though...

 

personally I don't think I can have love, royal and respect to someone like this, male or female...

[loveflower]

Y

She had sex with different guys, and enjoyed herself.

 

 

If you have a problem with this, then YOU - have the problem.

 

You have to consider what you want to do about your problem.

 

But this is not on her. It's on you.

 

 

on the contrary, I don't think OP has a problem.

 

I think YOU and the girl have a problem. well it's easy for you to say if you were one of those guys who 'enjoy'' other guys' gfs.

 

yes, give me a break. Nobody will pay for the same price of a well used car as a brand new car. car get discounted according to its mileage. well, actually car is better in this aspect, because you are not that intimate with a car.

 

I think it's a compatibility issue. If the girl were your gf, then all is fair and square. but op is not like you, apparently he is not the kind of guy who used to sleep around with any strangers, otherwise he won't be so shocked.

Edited August 22, 2015 by loveflower

[katiegrl]

I would not say there is something "wrong" with her, not based on what you posted anyway.

 

Clearly, she enjoys sex with strangers, does not appear to have much discretion in that regard, to each his own, but she was not in a relationship at the time so did nothing "wrong."

 

However, for me personally, I would have a huge problem with dating/having a relationship with a man like this, a man who apparently has no discretion with whom he has sex with, enjoys sex with strangers, etc.

 

It just goes against MY personal values and if I found this out after being in a relationship for while, I would need to re-think the relationship.

 

But to each his own, if this is who she is so be it. This type of person just would not be right for me, tis all.

[Maleficent]

on the contrary, I don't think OP has a problem.

 

I think YOU and the girl have a problem. well it's easy for you to say if you were one of those guys who 'enjoy'' other guys' gfs.

 

yes, give me a break. Nobody will pay for the same price of a well used car as a brand new car. car get discounted according to its mileage. well, actually car is better in this aspect, because you are not that intimate with a car.

 

I think it's a compatibility issue. If the girl were your gf, then all is fair and square. but op is not like you, apparently he is not the kind of guy who used to sleep around with any strangers, otherwise he won't be so shocked.

 

Problem with this is we are talking about human beings. Not cars.

[RedRobin]

If you are using Tinder, then you should accept that some or maybe most of the men/women you meet there are going to be using it for hookups.

 

 

That is how it is set up.

 

 

The fact that SOME people find relationships there... or don't use it for hookups, etc... doesn't mean anything. Mostly it is set up for hookups.

 

 

Maybe fish from a different pond, is my suggestion... and don't blame her. She didn't do anything wrong. It sounds like you two are incompatible. Maybe.

 

 

Um, what was your track record like on Tinder? I hope you gave her the opportunity to check out your prior messages too. Fair is fair. If you were doing the same thing, or trying, then, meh... you two ARE compatible... you may just not like that she's more successful at it, for whatever reason. That would be your problem, again, not hers.

[compulsivedancer]

at this rate, she had had at least 72 f bodies in a year.....holy crap

 

That's a pretty big assumption. This may not have been a remotely typical month at all.

 

Did the OP know she had had some ONSs? To me, this sounds like one of those instances where people can accept the fact of a situation until they see it firsthand.

[njoylife]

I guess we are incompatible and this is a deal breaker, what bother's me is very specific, it's not casual sex, I understand people can enjoy casual sex but in her case what bothers me is the specific details about how these sex arrangement happen. She basically agrees to sleep with a man within few sentences exchanged only by looking at a picture? Then without even knowing how the person looks live, how he behaves anything at all, she meets them, and heads to their place where they bang. It's too much even for an open minded person

 

I'm saying it's like a prostitute because this is how they do it, go on request to any apartment without even knowing the guy, this seems similar and it bother me extremely much.

 

It's even much worse than an ONS, where you can actually talk with guy live, drink together, dance or whatever , you can still judge what kind of man he may be or at least you can see if you are sexually attracted. Also you can judge so many things about him and he has to have skill to manage to bring you to his place.

But these Tinder guy do nothing to deserve the sex, nothing, they just request it and she agrees. That's like going on the street and asking a random girl "would you bang" and she happily shakes head and goes to your place? Will this ever happen ? Seriously if she had 6 ONS would have been much better. But this arrangements are just stirring up my brain to the deepest level.

 

I guess we will split up, that's it, I just can't wrap my mind around this.

Thanks guys.

Edited August 23, 2015 by njoylife

[madjac74]

at this rate, she had had at least 72 f bodies in a year.....holy crap! make sure you get tested though...

 

 

Are you kidding me? Maybe it was a banner month! I had 3 ice cream cones this week while on vacation. I must have had 150 ice cream cones all year then based on your math? Heck I doubled my sexual partners in one month after my divorce and then settled down the rest of the year.

 

Anyhoo the point is that she had sex with other people before she met him and he can't handle that. He should move on

[TaraMaiden2]

on the contrary, I don't think OP has a problem.

 

I think YOU and the girl have a problem.

No, I don't think either of us has the problem.

The problem seems to be with those who want to categorise and pigeon-hole people into specific compartments of player, prostitute, normal, casual....

 

When it comes to sex, enjoyment of sex, desire, fetish, fantasy and other attributes, there is NO 'normal'.

 

People do what they want to do because they do what they want to do.

 

One man's 'prostitute' is another's free-lovin' gal.

 

One person's player, is another's exciting lover.

 

She did what she did because there is no because.

 

She wanted to. And so did they.

 

I bet you none of them decided that the ONS was an indication of her 'type' because when it comes to sex, there IS no 'type'.

 

OP, if it really grates and bothers you, then yes. Finish it.

But it's because your sexual ideals are incompatible.

 

Not because she is any less of a person, and you should not judge her for that, lest she judge you for being blinkered, anal, restrained, inhibited and frigid.

 

None of which, I am sure, are true of you.

 

But you see what I mean about perceiving another person's proclivities through narrowed vision?

[CarrieT]

OP, I'm curious about something...

 

If you could have sex with six different girls in a month, would you?

[njoylife]

Yes I would but not under these circumstances, I would do 6 ONS probably but I would never agree to have sex without even seeing the person live, would like to have a drink first, chat a bit etc, otherwise is way too rushed and weird. Probably for a model looking woman I would agree straight away and go to her place though... May be I'm a bit hypocritical but can't change that:(

but as I think a bit more, 6 ONS is too much, I'm not a fan of these, even If I had a chance the girls have to be drop dead gorgeous, I don't njoy such sex,I'm more romantic type, dating, getting to know the person, this leads to great sex, oNS feels weird for me generally. so to answer your question completely honestly , sleeping with 6 women in a month is not something I look forward to or will enjoy fully, and there is a big chance That I won't do it

Edited August 23, 2015 by njoylife

[madjac74]

but I would never agree to have sex without even seeing the person live, would like to have a drink first, chat a bit etc, otherwise is way too rushed and weird.

 

You make it sound like she is a whore. I doubt she "agreed" to have sex with them regardless of how the meeting went. Maybe she met thirty guys and had sex with six of them! Who knows? BTW how do you know how many she had sex with?

[madjac74]

sleeping with 6 women in a month is not something I look forward to or will enjoy fully, and there is a big chance That I won't do it

 

Unless they are all models according to you. Maybe all her guys were hot

[njoylife]

You make it sound like she is a whore. I doubt she "agreed" to have sex with them regardless of how the meeting went. Maybe she met thirty guys and had sex with six of them! Who knows? BTW how do you know how many she had sex with?

 

What's your definition of whore by the way? I'm curious

 

Well, since it was important for me to know how these hook ups happened, of course we talked about it so she told me.

With one guy, she took a taxi, went near his place, they walked around for 30 min, she didn't like him much, but she still went to his place because it was too late to go back, since she lives quite far from his place. She still let him have sex with her, though she didn't do much, just standing there, not very active sex on her part, but she still let him, once in the morning too.

 

Second, with this gym instructor, she agreed to have sex while still chatting with him, she basically went to meet him, she went straight into his car and they went to his place, there was not even a cup of coffee, or anything, straight into his car and his place. That's looks like he's ordering a prostitute to me, I don't know how it looks to you? They went to his place, after 20-30 min they had sex and she left.

I asked her why did she agree so fast, she said : I was horny and that's it.

Well what's my guarantee that since she acts on such a basic instinct, one day we'll have a small fight, won't see for 2 days, she's gonna be horny and she's gonna satisfy her needs with another guy since it's so normal to act when one is horny:( Most people are horny but still select partners and pick carefully.

 

That's way to weird for me, isn't it for you ?

 

She had sex with all of her tinder matches, she selected only 6 guys and banged everyone of them, but there was no dating, they didn't speak much, it's like as if the sexual cravings were the top leading factor for her to go, the person didn't matter much.

 

I posted here because I was thinking that may be there is a way not to be so judging, because we fit with so many other things and I really really like her It's just this thing!! but the more I think about it the more I understand we are just way too different and there's no way I just can't handle this.

Edited August 23, 2015 by njoylife

[madjac74]

It's a lot to handle. But maybe she just needs someone to show her some compassion. I've known a girl or two with little self respect. Not tinder so much but just getting drunk and going home with anyone. Is she worth the trouble?

[TaraMaiden2]

....

Well, since it was important for me to know how these hook ups happened, of course we talked about it so she told me. ......

 

Why was it important...? And why, 'of course'....? Was she as curious and critical of your past sex life....?

Don't worry though. You're not alone.

 

You will find this a lot on this forum. Guys who want full disclosure regarding their GF's previous sexual behaviour, who then can't get over the facts as told....

 

My policy is, if you're going to worry about the answers, perhaps the questions are best left unasked.

 

Why is it any of your business, anyway....?

 

Always agree to an STD test before embarking on a relationship.

Then as long as that's clear - your interest in their past ends there.

 

 

 

I just can't handle this.

That's good. That's your problem, and you're owning it.

YOU can't handle this. That's an admission that while she's entitled to do with her body precisely what she wants to do, how you handle it, or otherwise, is on you.

[njoylife]

Well, since I thought the same, yes, she does lack self respect , we had a talk for few hours. Also her dad left them when she was little, so she hated all men, that's why her first relationship was with a girl, but she's not like a pure lesbian she did it because she hated men. So I'm thinking may be this way she gets her attention somehow from other men, the attention she didn't get from her dad. There are may be psychological reasons for her behavior. But I still can't get over it no matter what's the reason :(

 

She is worth it in a way, there's so many positives, but there are some negatives as well in her behavior overall. But this sex thing is so deeply stuck in my mind, I can't deal with it. I can't have sex with her anymore, I just can't, I'm bugged. She does't excite me anymore the way she did before I knew this

Thanks for the help guys, I think I figured it out... :(

 

At the same time, I'm thinking, how shallow can I be? I like the person, she behaves well in the present, she treats me amazingly, she appreciates everything, it's just so nice!!! And me? I can't get over these things, even though she may have some reason behind it, I just can't. It's eating me from inside. Question is if I can change it or not? But I strongly feel I just wouldn't be able to, it's like my core. I can't do this May be I'm not mature enough to get over it with at this point in my life May be if I had more experience with these things, I would be able to, but at this point, right now, it's gonna be a torture for both of us

Edited August 23, 2015 by njoylife

[TaraMaiden2]

You're actually looking at this - and thinking it out, and accepting it - in quite a mature way.

 

The bottom line is this:

 

She has a past you can neither change, nor deal with.

Her past may be rooted in an attitude towards men that may well need addressing psychologically/professionally.

You are NOT her therapist, and nothing on this earth dictates that if something goes against our grain, we should work to accept it.

 

you can't judge her, but then, if you have certain attitudes and needs, then that too, is who you are.

 

I appreciate that your feel torn emotionally.

I think the fairest thing to do would be to be open with her, and tell her exactly what you said above.

 

You think she's an absolute gem, but her past troubles you.

You think there's a warped tendency in her behaviour, which given her past may be explicable, but you can't deal with it.

You appreciate it's your issue, but you can't help feeling she too, has issues.

 

And end it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

It's her past. If you can't handle it, dump her. Don't be a hypocritical douche & stay with her, if it's going to bother you the whole time. That's both immature & selfish. Have some integrity & courage of your convictions.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Njoy, Just went through your thread. Well my opinion for what it may be worth is this. Your GF is not wrong in her behaviour or attitude where she stands but neither are you! Your GF would make a good Hotwife and a number of men would be very happy to have her as a wife. On the other hand an even greater number of men like you would not be able to accept her traits and would shun her. So it is a question of "To each his/her own". Like I said she will make a good wife for 'a' type of man, just not you! No point losing sleep over it. Let her down gently and go your seperate ways. In case you have not heard of the term Hotwife just Google it. Cheers!

Edited August 23, 2015 by Just a Guy