Saying goodbye

[cjd1955]

Hi All,

 

I am about 2 months out from a breakup of a 4 year relationship.

 

Over the past couple of weeks I've tried my best to keep my dignity in trying to get her back (i.e. no desperation contact), but when having an opportunity to say my side of how I feel and what I want, I've always made it clear.

 

Unfortunately from her side, she's spent so long getting herself to this point that there isn't anything I could have done or said to change her mind right now. She even accompanied me to a therapy session but had no interest in talking about us, only to help with my healing.

 

She is from overseas, and as a result we have had quite an intense relationship - talks of eventually moving away, getting married in order to stay here etc. (no visa) and most importantly we have had many once in a lifetime trips, travel with each others siblings, and visits to see each others families.

 

I feel like I have closure - there is nothing I can do to change the situation right now and as hard as it is, we both need space. We're not talking and haven't spoken for at least a month now.

 

I do have an overwhelming feeling that there are things unsaid with her friends and family, who overnight we ripped from my life without a chance to say thanks and goodbye.

 

I've drafted out a number of emails to her family, which speak from my heart, to say that I'm sorry that things didn't work out but it's important for me to have a chance to say thanks for everything and how much fun the past 4 years have been having all these experiences with them.

 

I want to send these mails, because it feels like the right thing to do, and to be the nice guy about everything. Two things that are holding me back though:

 

If I send a few thanks and goodbye emails to friends and family, it feels like that is really closing the door for good. Would 'admitting defeat' and saying goodbye would close the door for both of us?

 

Secondly, is contacting her family unprompted, breaking the 'unwritten rules' of a breakup? Is losing friends/family is just a fact of what you experience during a breakup, and by contacting them it might be seen as not respecting her space and privacy? Or even make her family feel awkward?

 

I've added a note at the end to say they should feel no pressure to reply, it's just important to me to say thanks.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Gus Grimly]

The answer is easy. Don't send the letters.

 

If you require further detailed reasons as to why sending the letters is a bad thing, I will be happy to oblige.

[cjd1955]

Yes please - would be good to know why you say not to send them.

 

Cheers

[Gus Grimly]

First you haven't given yourself enough time to heal from the relationship. It's too soon to be sending letters and all that. You've got too many raw emotions right now. The way you feel now may not be the same way you feel a month or a year from now. Your emotions are constantly changing. Some days you'll be sad, others angry or empowered. Someday you'll be more forgiving. It's better to wait when you are in a better state of mind before putting your thoughts down and sending them.

 

Also, you have to ask yourself, honestly, what is the "real" motivation behind sending these letters? I read your reasons, but to me I feel there's an ulterior motive behind them. Your reasons range from closure, guilt, appreciation, sadness, making them feel better and to make you feel better. You need to be honest with yourself.

 

One more thing. What if you never get a response from them? How would that make you feel? What if they're angered by the letters or they asked you to never contact them again? What are you trying to prove by doing this? What answers, responses or clarity do you think you'll gain by sending these letters?

 

You have to realize the relationship is over and everything that goes along with it. Writing these letters is good, it's can be a way of making peace with the end of the relationship. It's healing and helps you find closure, but don't send them. Burn them, put them in a box and hide them or just throw them away. Whatever you do, just move on.

 

This is only my opinion, if you find that sending the letters is something you need to do, no one is stopping you. Just sit on it a bit before doing so.

Edited August 22, 2015 by Gus Grimly

[dp_322]

Gus is right. Everything he wrote is right.

 

Writing can be therapeutic and since you wrote these letters you should perhaps write more letters or start a diary or something. Just a thought.

 

Writing has helped me a great deal.

 

But again, don't send the letters.

I would guess the real reason you wrote the letters were for you, so keep them for you and you only.

[jen1447]

I disagree - send the e-mails. It'll give you some peace.

[cjd1955]

Thanks all.

 

Gus - I think you are spot on with your advice. You've also read between the lines of my post very well, even if I'm trying my absolute best to convince myself that it's over and this won't help.

 

Just so you know what I was thinking, here is what I had drafted out for her family:

 

Hi xx

 

Now some time has passed since xx and I sadly broke up, I wanted to drop a quick note to say thank you for everything.

 

I've had the best time of my life over the past 3 years with xx and a huge part of that has been the time spent getting to know you both. I feel so lucky to have been part of the family and to have had so many once in a lifetime experiences with you all.

 

From meeting you for the first time, to your amazing wedding and the incredible trip to France last summer, it's been a whirlwind 3 years that has been so much fun.

 

I am really sorry things didn't work out - xx is the most beautiful person both inside and out. I wish all the best for her - she deserves to be so happy, loved, respected and appreciated.

 

The same goes for you both - thanks for everything, and I wish you all the best for the future.

 

Please feel no pressure to reply to this email, it was just important to me to have a chance to say thanks.

 

All the best.

 

 

 

And a text message for some of her friends (who I have been on holiday with, so are very close friends of mine too):

 

Hi xx

 

Now the dust has started to settle on things, I just wanted to send you a quick message to say how awesome it has been getting to know you and yy has been. From making Fajitas on Battersea Rise to supporting each other through our numerous knee surgeries, it's been quite the ride. I'm sad xx and I didn't work out but either-way I've loved getting to know you and yy. You two are great together. I hope you're both well and have had a great summer. Don't be a stranger if we bump each other down by the river.

 

 

 

Any further thoughts?

[dumbass2]

Try re-writing the email and the text without ANY mention of your ex or the break up and let's what you come up with.

[Chronograph]

I had the same impulse a few weeks after the break up. Felt the urge to email his parents to say goodbye after 15 years of birthdays and christmas eves spent together. But I didn't do it in the end. My motivation behind it was not honest. I guess I wanted to be "the perfect ex" who of course has so much decency and is so wonderful bla bla bla. Yeah, but why did I want to appear as the "perfect ex"? Just so he would reconsider me. Also I thought: What if we would ever get back together again and I have never said thanks and goodbye to them? I wanted his parents to kind of still like me, just in case we would get back together again. So you see, my motivation was all: I want him back. Nothing else. (Didn't even have a particularly good relationship with his parents so that email would have been a bit artificial to be honest.)

[mightycpa]

Any further thoughts?

My first thought was how pitiful that sounded. Don't send those notes.