Oddish Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Trying to sum it up, me and my ex were together almost 6 years, engaged, we met in college but when I left we kept in contact for a year very regularly. Turns out we both liked eachother in college but never said anything. I invited myself to his house with my Super Nintendo, we played games and that was our first date. Since then it's been perfect, blissfully happy and even happier when he asked me to marry him! We started saving for a house and were doing very well. To keep it short, drugs got in the way. He has grown up around weed so sees no problem with it which I understand. But failed to mention that he has been smoking it the whole time we were together. Towards the end he also tried coke, then told me he'd never do it again (he was very unwell the next morning) then changed his mind again to say that he'd like the option to do it if he wanted. In the end he left me, said it was unfair on us both. He's come back from a festival and I received a text the next day. I also received a text this morning asking how I was and lets meet up. However I know that at the festival he slept with someone else. It's only been 2 months and it does hurt but he doesn't seem bothered the way he's joking about it with friends on facebook. On the other hand the status he wrote when he came back, listing all the things they all got up to included 'emotional breakdown crying'. Could it be that he regretted what he did and broke down afterwards but is trying to look tough with his mates? I'm going to see a band play tonight, it's a mutual friend but I honestly thought my ex would have gone to the show at another location (I'm going to this one because it's easier for me to get to) but turns out he's going to be there. I've lost weight and I look fab so plan on walking in and taking his breath away So really I'm wondering, he did that while he was away and as soon as he's back he's texting me to meet up. Does he want to tell me about it, does he feel guilty? Either way I don't want to know any details so I'll be stopping him if he does start. But I just feel like I want to let him know that he won't find anyone he loves as much as me. (We do talk and he's already complained how other girls are the 'dressed up 10 tonnes of makeup type') He won't find anyone who he connects with like me, who can hold and touch him like me. I want to know if he misses me without asking and looking an idiot! And let him know that he could change it all, we could get back together and be even better this time! Or I'm just daydreaming... but thanks for letting me vent!
HandsomeBoh Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 People can change its true. But it takes absolute and unwavering effort. If you've made it clear exactly what problem you have with him, then it should be his job to place himself in that constant purgatory and pain which leads to real change. If he's not willing to do that, then you have to accept that he doesnt consider the change truly necessary.
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Hey there, Welcome to LS! I've lost weight and I look fab so plan on walking in and taking his breath away The real question you should be asking yourself is; "Why have I made myself available to him?". You need to stop communicating with him. You're never going to be able to move on with your life if you insist on clinging to this hope. It's foolish and will only serve to defeat you later on. You've got history with this man, so? That means nothing in the end. You have to live in the now. In most cases unless he's shown you that's he's a changed man through his 'actions', you'd just be returning to the same situation you left. You've convinced yourself that he's going to change, that it will be so much better once you're back together. This is just wishful thinking. In reality it takes a long time for people to change, it takes hard work and determination. He doesn't sound like he has the maturity right now for such an endeavor. You're much better off going NC and looking forward to new beginnings. He's moved on & so should you.
aloneinaz Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Hey there, Welcome to LS! The real question you should be asking yourself is; "Why have I made myself available to him?". You need to stop communicating with him. You're never going to be able to move on with your life if you insist on clinging to this hope. It's foolish and will only serve to defeat you later on. You've got history with this man, so? That means nothing in the end. You have to live in the now. In most cases unless he's shown you that's he's a changed man through his 'actions', you'd just be returning to the same situation you left. You've convinced yourself that he's going to change, that it will be so much better once you're back together. This is just wishful thinking. In reality it takes a long time for people to change, it takes hard work and determination. He doesn't sound like he has the maturity right now for such an endeavor. You're much better off going NC and looking forward to new beginnings. He's moved on & so should you. This^^ Hun, You're dreaming. NOTHING has changed. He's still doing drugs. It's only been two months, right? How will anything be different THIS TIME? Use your hot, new thinner body and met someone new. Don't recycle a broken R/S where all the same crap will reappear IF you decided to try again.
Author Oddish Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 My head knows this, but my heart is reading signs! Don't get me wrong I would never go back if he hasn't changed, but I feel like I just want to scream and point out what he's missing so he see's! He's already said he wants to quit smoking and will after he comes back because his dads been told he's got lung disease. When we last met up he told me I look great and that even my lips looked good he text me when he got home, and text again to arrange meeting up. My heart just can't believe that someone can fall out of love so quickly. I think he's spent too much time thinking about it and has convinced himself this was the best way. He never did any of this stuff when he was younger so makes me think this is some sort of phase where he's reliving his youth or something!
Gus Grimly Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 You're setting yourself up for failure ya know. Use your hot, new thinner body and met someone new. Don't recycle a broken R/S where all the same crap will reappear IF you decided to try again. That's spot on. You're feeling good, looking good, but you want to go back to a bad habit. He's your drug. You find comfort and security in the 'history' you have with him. Stop living in the past. Kick the guy off the pedestal you've put him on and put yourself up there. Be a better friend to yourself. Don't give HIM another chance, give it to YOU. Get back out there and see what this world has to offer. 2
Author Oddish Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Just thought I'd update you guys that last night was probably the worst thing I could have done, or in the long run the best thing. He was surprised to see me there, came over and said hi. His friends made jokes about him having an STI but he just said there was a joke about crabs while they were away and it just stuck. Lovely. He didn't mention how that came about though, he put it on FB does he think I didn't see it! Anyway I noticed a lot of sniffing, a lot of nose wiping, I asked what he'd had. He said nothing and that he had no reason to lie to me, he has a cold. I work in a pharmacy I see colds every day and he sounded fine, he's not having me with that bullpoop. I asked about this supposed emotional break down and the story started with "I was off my head on pills..." I said "woah can I just stop you there" He'd always said he'd never touch pills because he knew it'd only take one bad one to go wrong. We were supposed to meed up on Tuesday but I said "I don't think I can make Tuesday but please, never change" The band started and he was jumping up and down with his friends, arms round eachother. The room was about 10ftx10ft and hardly anyone there and they knocked a ladys drink over her. I'm thinking 'you're nearly 26, you're acting like a child.' The band finished I said "I've got to get back to my car I'll see you" he said to drive safe. I cried all the way home after seeing what the gentleman I knew had turned into. Today he text me saying if I don't want to see him anymore it's a shame and he's sad about it but he understands and to take care. It went back and forth me bascially asking why pills when he'd aways said what he did. He goes "Apparently not. Funny stuff happaned though" Must have been hilarious to be worth risking your life. "It was. I was safe" Yes you were, but you didn't know you were going to be did you. I just said that the 'new him' (he did a complete 180 and turned into a different person towards the end) I would have loved to have been with, travelling the world, going out dancing, teaching him to drive, I have no problem with this person he's become my only problem is the drugs and I'm sorry that you feel those are good choices to make. I said I'm not being nasty, I still consider us friends but as much as I want you in my life I don't want all that stuff you do with it so I think it's best we don't contact eachother unless absolutely necessary. Drugs are not clever nor are they cool. Look what you've lost because of it, it wont end well it never does and you will lose a lot more. When you've hit the bottom and you realise you want out but no one else will help you, I'm still a friend. He tried to turn it back with a lot of 'if' like "If I get to that point" Like who is going to want a druggie boyfriend? Where are you going to find a woman who's time you are worthy of that is going to want you doing what you do? He's not! So I think he thinks he's going to live some rock n roll lifestyle going out with his friends doing what he does all the time. He'll soon panic when his temp job runs out in Novemeber, or they ask for random drug tests (which they do there) and he gets caught out. Only his savings left (which was his part of our hose fund!) and he wants to go to Japan with that AND learn to drive! He'll soon struggle. No money for drugs either, maybe his Mum or his friends are nice enough to let him have some of theirs, how nice. Urgh! I'm just so angry at myself for ever thinking it! I honestly thought he could change back as quickly as he changed in the first place! He doesn't understand that how he's been brought up isn't normal, it's them that are doing something that isn't normal. He thinks its harmless but I know how all this affects your brain and your insides! I was furious with him when he took cocaine, he could have had a heart attack at any moment! You just can't mess around with stuff like that and as I said it won't end well for him. And WHEN that happens it'll be too late and I'll be long gone Thanks guys, venting again but I should have listened to you all. Very emotional right now but I know it's for the best.
aloneinaz Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Just thought I'd update you guys that last night was probably the worst thing I could have done, or in the long run the best thing. He was surprised to see me there, came over and said hi. His friends made jokes about him having an STI but he just said there was a joke about crabs while they were away and it just stuck. Lovely. He didn't mention how that came about though, he put it on FB does he think I didn't see it! Anyway I noticed a lot of sniffing, a lot of nose wiping, I asked what he'd had. He said nothing and that he had no reason to lie to me, he has a cold. I work in a pharmacy I see colds every day and he sounded fine, he's not having me with that bullpoop. I asked about this supposed emotional break down and the story started with "I was off my head on pills..." I said "woah can I just stop you there" He'd always said he'd never touch pills because he knew it'd only take one bad one to go wrong. We were supposed to meed up on Tuesday but I said "I don't think I can make Tuesday but please, never change" The band started and he was jumping up and down with his friends, arms round eachother. The room was about 10ftx10ft and hardly anyone there and they knocked a ladys drink over her. I'm thinking 'you're nearly 26, you're acting like a child.' The band finished I said "I've got to get back to my car I'll see you" he said to drive safe. I cried all the way home after seeing what the gentleman I knew had turned into. Today he text me saying if I don't want to see him anymore it's a shame and he's sad about it but he understands and to take care. It went back and forth me bascially asking why pills when he'd aways said what he did. He goes "Apparently not. Funny stuff happaned though" Must have been hilarious to be worth risking your life. "It was. I was safe" Yes you were, but you didn't know you were going to be did you. I just said that the 'new him' (he did a complete 180 and turned into a different person towards the end) I would have loved to have been with, travelling the world, going out dancing, teaching him to drive, I have no problem with this person he's become my only problem is the drugs and I'm sorry that you feel those are good choices to make. I said I'm not being nasty, I still consider us friends but as much as I want you in my life I don't want all that stuff you do with it so I think it's best we don't contact eachother unless absolutely necessary. Drugs are not clever nor are they cool. Look what you've lost because of it, it wont end well it never does and you will lose a lot more. When you've hit the bottom and you realise you want out but no one else will help you, I'm still a friend. He tried to turn it back with a lot of 'if' like "If I get to that point" Like who is going to want a druggie boyfriend? Where are you going to find a woman who's time you are worthy of that is going to want you doing what you do? He's not! So I think he thinks he's going to live some rock n roll lifestyle going out with his friends doing what he does all the time. He'll soon panic when his temp job runs out in Novemeber, or they ask for random drug tests (which they do there) and he gets caught out. Only his savings left (which was his part of our hose fund!) and he wants to go to Japan with that AND learn to drive! He'll soon struggle. No money for drugs either, maybe his Mum or his friends are nice enough to let him have some of theirs, how nice. Urgh! I'm just so angry at myself for ever thinking it! I honestly thought he could change back as quickly as he changed in the first place! He doesn't understand that how he's been brought up isn't normal, it's them that are doing something that isn't normal. He thinks its harmless but I know how all this affects your brain and your insides! I was furious with him when he took cocaine, he could have had a heart attack at any moment! You just can't mess around with stuff like that and as I said it won't end well for him. And WHEN that happens it'll be too late and I'll be long gone Thanks guys, venting again but I should have listened to you all. Very emotional right now but I know it's for the best. I think this is a positive post. Why? Because your CLEARLY seeing that this guy IS NOT the guy of your past. He's driving down a dangerous road and appears to be really getting heavily involved in even harder and more dangerous drugs. Even if he suddenly "quit" all drugs tomorrow, it's going to be a long road for him to reach sobriety and stick w/it. The other thing I'm sensing in your posts is that it's been 2 months now. You're feeling good about your appearance. You're missing being in a relationship and what that brings. My point? I think you're ready to put him behind you and start dating again. How nice would it be to meet a good guy with things going for him w/no drug habit? 1
Fleur de cactus Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 I think you did the right thing to meet with him and see with your own eyes and hear it that he cannot change. DOn't get angry at yourself, it was necessary to try it again. At least for now, I hope you made the final decision to not get together with him anymore. Sometimes, we need that moment of double checking. If you did not see him, your would now regretting that you did not give him a chance. Now your eyes, ears and heart is convincing your mind that it will never work. Be strong, move on. Good luck.
nellbell86 Posted August 24, 2015 Posted August 24, 2015 Really glad for you that seeing him again and seeing what he is like has given you a clearer view on how he hasn't and probably won't ever change. I had a similar experience with my now ex, it's also been 2 months, before we met he was smoking pot every day, hanging with his mates, basically doing nothing with his life. He cut right back when we got together, wanted to progress in his job, said I made him feel like a better person and like he was ready to grow up and do something with his life. Well I guess he got sick of growing up cos as soon as he's dumped me he's gone right back to smoking every day, and drinking heaps ontop of that, and I have heard rumour that he has tried crack again. It makes you really sad for them doesn't it, that you can so clearly see the disastrous road they're heading down, and that they seem to think that is better than the loving stable relationship and life they had with you. I know I wish I could just shake my ex and say wake the f*** up and look at what you're doing to yourself!! As you said, no self respecting woman is going to want a druggie boyfriend, they're just gonna keep going down this path until its too late to turn back. But you've just gotta accept, as I have finally, that the person he made you believe he was is dead, and this is the 'real him' and would you want a relationship with this version of him? You know you're better than that! Get out there with that hot new bod and enjoy life again, knowing you can without drugs or anything like that making life bearable. I also think if they need to turn to drugs again so heavily after the break up, then clearly they're not dealing with it very well, so be glad that although it hurts, you're strong enough to deal with this and come out better without drugs dragging you down.
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