snowangelwi Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 My husband and I are desperately trying to work through our affairs and save our marriage but we keep getting stuck. The long and short of it is that we each at the same exact time had affairs, so we aren't talking a revenge affair. We are literally talking about our affairs happening within the same exact time frame---with a few differences. A quick backstory- the affairs both started when my husband took a job out of state after a devastating job loss. I stayed back to allow our kids to finish the school year out and to sell our house. He moved to the new state and got us squared away there. It turns out he had started a phone affair with said OW before moving to the new state. She now lives about an hour away from where we moved. My affair: We went on walks, to dinner, movies, and had sex. My affair was about 3 months long. I called it off several weeks before moving out of state. Besides me lying about being married (he was single)- our "relationship" was truthful. I never said I loved him and I didn't love him. He was filling a void that for 9 years I pleaded for my husband to fill. I have several times told my husband I was unhappy and needed things and could see myself having an affair. Right or wrong I feel like I was honest and upfront with him and tried everything possible to get us back to a good spot. His affair: Began as a phone affair, then upon him arriving for his interview for the new job and then him moving here for his new job his relationship became physical. During the 5 months we were apart he literally abandoned me and the kids. He never called the kids, didn't send them packages in the mail, didn't call me etc. He literally turned his back on us and left us to fend for ourselves to get through a 1000 mile move on our own. Meanwhile, he was having an affair in the town he was moving us to. After we arrived he kept the affair going. He would leave me and the kids to go meet her at a hotel. He left his job to go to a hotel with her. etc. One of the hotels they met at and we paid for is 8 minutes away from our new house. The apartment that he was in waiting for his family to get here--- is 15 minutes away and well that's another "crime scene". Then there are 2 more hotels 20 minutes away. I feel like my whole existence here in a town I didn't want to move to to begin with is now tainted. Everywhere I turn I literally can see the places he had sex with someone I found out about the affair when he tried to apparently call it off, again, and she blew his phone up with text and I happen to see one of them. He told her he loved her, exchanged nude photos with her, and they discussed leaving their spouses for each other. She is married with kids. He told her he didn't love me. He says it was all a lie, and that the never loved her and never had intentions of leaving me. I am not saying one affair is better then the other but here is where I am really struggling. In all our ****ty years together, I would ask him over and over what he needs from me etc. If I ever questioned him on being faithful he would proclaim over and over how he isn't a cheater and would never cheat and I'm the only one for him etc. When he decided things had reached a point for him that he was going to cheat, he didn't even give me the opportunity to save us. I say opportunity because I had gone to him so many times saying I wasn't happy and needed things and yet he never stepped up to the plate. It sounds like his relationship was sexual (he says bad sex) but that hurts too because one of our biggest arguments for years was me needing and wanting sex and him having every excuse to only have sex like once a week. So the fact that he left my arms, literally kissed me goodbye knowing he was going to f**k her is killing me. I would have gladly f**ked the **** out of him. I am also having such a hard time with the fact that he left me to deal with the most horrendous situation I have ever had to deal with and then completely abandoned me and the kids......and double smack in the face was sweeping some other girl off her feet having an affair. So now we find ourselves constantly wavering back and forth talking about the affair. He's hurt. I am hurt. I feel like he took his affair to a whole other level and he feels like I took mine to a whole other level. He says him and his OW never went on dates, didn't go out to eat, didn't take walks etc and he feels like my affair was a relationship with emotions etc. It is consuming our lives. How do you move forward? How do you talk about something/what do you talk about? Everytime we try to talk we end up talking about the affair. I want to be with my husband and work things out but am really wondering how to do this.....how to look at him and know all the lies he told me and the way he abandoned me...and the fact that I was honest with him and he just kept lying. So help me out. How do you start, where do you start???
Sandy43 Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I think MC is a start. Neither one of you are innocent parties and if you want your M to work you both need to work on it together. 3
SoulStorm Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 My husband and I are desperately trying to work through our affairs and save our marriage but we keep getting stuck. The long and short of it is that we each at the same exact time had affairs, so we aren't talking a revenge affair. We are literally talking about our affairs happening within the same exact time frame---with a few differences. A quick backstory- the affairs both started when my husband took a job out of state after a devastating job loss. I stayed back to allow our kids to finish the school year out and to sell our house. He moved to the new state and got us squared away there. It turns out he had started a phone affair with said OW before moving to the new state. She now lives about an hour away from where we moved. My affair: We went on walks, to dinner, movies, and had sex. My affair was about 3 months long. I called it off several weeks before moving out of state. Besides me lying about being married (he was single)- our "relationship" was truthful. I never said I loved him and I didn't love him. He was filling a void that for 9 years I pleaded for my husband to fill. I have several times told my husband I was unhappy and needed things and could see myself having an affair. Right or wrong I feel like I was honest and upfront with him and tried everything possible to get us back to a good spot. His affair: Began as a phone affair, then upon him arriving for his interview for the new job and then him moving here for his new job his relationship became physical. During the 5 months we were apart he literally abandoned me and the kids. He never called the kids, didn't send them packages in the mail, didn't call me etc. He literally turned his back on us and left us to fend for ourselves to get through a 1000 mile move on our own. Meanwhile, he was having an affair in the town he was moving us to. After we arrived he kept the affair going. He would leave me and the kids to go meet her at a hotel. He left his job to go to a hotel with her. etc. One of the hotels they met at and we paid for is 8 minutes away from our new house. The apartment that he was in waiting for his family to get here--- is 15 minutes away and well that's another "crime scene". Then there are 2 more hotels 20 minutes away. I feel like my whole existence here in a town I didn't want to move to to begin with is now tainted. Everywhere I turn I literally can see the places he had sex with someone I found out about the affair when he tried to apparently call it off, again, and she blew his phone up with text and I happen to see one of them. He told her he loved her, exchanged nude photos with her, and they discussed leaving their spouses for each other. She is married with kids. He told her he didn't love me. He says it was all a lie, and that the never loved her and never had intentions of leaving me. I am not saying one affair is better then the other but here is where I am really struggling. In all our ****ty years together, I would ask him over and over what he needs from me etc. If I ever questioned him on being faithful he would proclaim over and over how he isn't a cheater and would never cheat and I'm the only one for him etc. When he decided things had reached a point for him that he was going to cheat, he didn't even give me the opportunity to save us. I say opportunity because I had gone to him so many times saying I wasn't happy and needed things and yet he never stepped up to the plate. It sounds like his relationship was sexual (he says bad sex) but that hurts too because one of our biggest arguments for years was me needing and wanting sex and him having every excuse to only have sex like once a week. So the fact that he left my arms, literally kissed me goodbye knowing he was going to f**k her is killing me. I would have gladly f**ked the **** out of him. I am also having such a hard time with the fact that he left me to deal with the most horrendous situation I have ever had to deal with and then completely abandoned me and the kids......and double smack in the face was sweeping some other girl off her feet having an affair. So now we find ourselves constantly wavering back and forth talking about the affair. He's hurt. I am hurt. I feel like he took his affair to a whole other level and he feels like I took mine to a whole other level. He says him and his OW never went on dates, didn't go out to eat, didn't take walks etc and he feels like my affair was a relationship with emotions etc. It is consuming our lives. How do you move forward? How do you talk about something/what do you talk about? Everytime we try to talk we end up talking about the affair. I want to be with my husband and work things out but am really wondering how to do this.....how to look at him and know all the lies he told me and the way he abandoned me...and the fact that I was honest with him and he just kept lying. So help me out. How do you start, where do you start??? You seem to minimize your affair while you make your husband's out to be monstrous. Affairs are monstrous no matter how big or little they are/were. Both of you betrayed one another and disrespected one another. Despite telling your husband you were ripe for an affair, it still boiled down to you doing it or not doing it. First thing is both of you need to take responsibility for your actions. You both need to recognize that you wronged each other. Betrayal is betrayal It may be harder to get over some things, but if you are willing to make it work then those hard things will need to be discussed with the goal of solving them and not debating them. Both of you need to stay no contact with your affair partners and be transparent to each other. You need to pick a time where he can ask you questions and you answer them without malice He needs to do the same for you It would help to give each other a written timeline of the events of the affairs so that you can have a guide to ask questions from Things are going to get heated in these discussions so you may need to pick a "cool down" word. For instance if the conversations are getting loud and unproductive, someone can say "Ice Time" and you both let the subject drop. Then come back to it when you both have decided it's a good time. Communication is going to be key and the hard work of being patient and transparent and getting good counseling More to come..... 4
World's.Edge Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I have several times told my husband I was unhappy and needed things and could see myself having an affair. I say opportunity because I had gone to him so many times saying I wasn't happy and needed things and yet he never stepped up to the plate. I'm curious, when you tell someone that you're unhappy, exactly what do you expect them to do about it, and I mean specifics? If you told someone else other than your husband that you were unhappy, let's say your parents, siblings or a friend, what would your expectation be of them in response to that question? 'I was unhappy' seems to be a common go to excuse for many adulterers and I just don't understand how. I know that I alone am responsible for my "happiness". That's not something that I put on someone else or burden them with. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. If you're unhappy, that's on you to address and figure.
Author snowangelwi Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 (edited) Yes you are right....an affair is an affair. Thankfully we have both stopped talking to our affair partner. We have been very open and honest and maintaining open communication answering all of our questions to each other. No yelling, screaming, etc. I just need to have a little bit of forward moving progress and don't know how or where to start. How do we start/where do we start to talk about other things? I know that we will have the times that we need to talk about the affair but do we start talking about other things. Edited August 22, 2015 by snowangelwi
SoulStorm Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Yes you are right....an affair is an affair. Thankfully we have both stopped talking to our affair partner. We have been very open and honest and maintaining open communication answering all of our questions to each other. No yelling, screaming, etc. I just need to have a little bit of forward moving progress and don't know how or where to start. How do we start/where do we start to talk about other things? I know that we will have the times that we need to talk about the affair but do we start talking about other things. You can't really talk about those things until you get the elephant out of the room. You have said that every conversation goes back to the affairs....that's because it's the most important thing to fix right now. Sure you have to go on with your daily lives, but the affairs are the most traumatic things affecting your daily life. The other things are going to have to take their time after trust has been re-established. Cause face it...trust has been broken and it doesn't return overnight. It takes 2-5 years to really get an affair under your belt so you are going to have to be patient. This is going to be a marathon..not a sprint. It's going to take time. If you are not a patient person..it's time to learn how to be. 2
HurtOfGlass Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I dont understand. You said you found out about his affair. Does he know about yours?
Author snowangelwi Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Yes he does. I told him soon after discovering his affair. My affair had been over for 3 months at that point. Soul storm- thanks for response. I'm a patient person so I have that going for me you bring up a hard but true point that we can't just move on already. Have to work through the storm not go around it
Mr. Lucky Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I'm a patient person so I have that going for me you bring up a hard but true point that we can't just move on already. Have to work through the storm not go around it What are your reasons for wanting to stay married? Mr. Lucky
Mrs. John Adams Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 To me....if you both were having affairs at the same exact time...you both had given up on the marriage. You have so much work to do to get back to a place where you can even begin to heal this relationship...and i truly wonder if either of you is up for this... You have to not only deal with the reasons you both strayed...but you have to deal with healing each other. There is no quick answer or healing...and this will be extremely hard. my gut reaction is to say...if you both gave up...if you were both unhappy in the relationship...at the exact same time...what are you trying to save? Can you save it? That depends on how hard you are both willing to work. I would recommend seeking professional help...i would recommend reading books on the subject and i would recommend baring your souls to each other....that means hours and hours and hours of discussions....heart to heart discussions....honest raw discussions That is not easy...it hurts...it makes you bleed...it scabs over and you rip the scab off and start over....this will take years....YEARS..... Is your relationship worth it? Only you can answer....and then you have to ask your spouse...because you have to agree to do this together. You cannot save your marriage alone.... 1
road Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Your WH/BH needs to find a new job far away from the OW and move you, him, and your kids, far away from the OW.
JPMC Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Keep the marriage open. At this point, might as well
MrVegas Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Keep the marriage open. At this point, might as well Unfortunately, open marriages are built on a really high level of trust, so they don't have that either.
MrVegas Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I'm curious, when you tell someone that you're unhappy, exactly what do you expect them to do about it, and I mean specifics? If you told someone else other than your husband that you were unhappy, let's say your parents, siblings or a friend, what would your expectation be of them in response to that question? 'I was unhappy' seems to be a common go to excuse for many adulterers and I just don't understand how. I know that I alone am responsible for my "happiness". That's not something that I put on someone else or burden them with. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. If you're unhappy, that's on you to address and figure. I second this question. What is the expectation when telling someone you are thinking about an affair? You didn't really go into how those discussions went down. If you both want to save this you must look at if the problems that led to these affairs can be fixed. And I cannot help but think that statements about having an A could only contribute to you both feeling you needed to go elsewhere. (Not to lay blame on his actions with you, he made his choices all his own, just as you made yours). He obviously didn't respond to what may have appeared to be threats by addressing your concerns. And you obviously felt it was time to fill your needs elsewhere. Another question is would you have told him about your A not having found out about his? It's important to not let yourself fall into the trap of thinking your actions are less serious. You must discuss the entire A, and all the points leading up to it. Move on from the affair without resolving the underlying issues and you will find either one or both of you will be back here in the future.
sandylee1 Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I'm curious, when you tell someone that you're unhappy, exactly what do you expect them to do about it, and I mean specifics? If you told someone else other than your husband that you were unhappy, let's say your parents, siblings or a friend, what would your expectation be of them in response to that question? 'I was unhappy' seems to be a common go to excuse for many adulterers and I just don't understand how. I know that I alone am responsible for my "happiness". That's not something that I put on someone else or burden them with. That wouldn't be fair to anyone. If you're unhappy, that's on you to address and figure. For me, if my H said he was unhappy, I'd ask if he meant he was unhappy with the marriage or something else. Then if he confirmed it was the marriage I'd asked exactly what he's not happy with, so we can work on things. My brother told his ex wife he wasn't happy. He told her what he wasn't happy with and she made no effort to get her act together. He said it was like talking to himself. He just become more miserable with her, so he divorced her. He didn't cheat on her. 1
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 Marriage counseling!!!! You both need to figure out WHY each of you cheated and had an affair. What's missing in you (and in him), why you (and he) allowed another person close and allowed the affairs to happen. Are you both truly remorseful and ready to work hard together to make the marriage work again? Stop with the blame game, one is no worse or better than the other. You both are on equal footing here.
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