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We're on a break, but still talking just as much. Where do I go with this?

cell2k15

By cell2k15
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

Posted
Posted

Hello all,

 

Hoping you can help me out with the situation I'm currently in.

 

I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl in the US for 5 months. She has just started her senior year at high school and I currently live in the UK and work full time.

 

We met for the first time 3 weeks ago and it was an absolutely perfect week. I met and stayed with her in her parents house, and we spent 10 days doing random things together.

 

About 2 weeks ago she had a big fall out with her parents for a number of reasons, and her long distance relationship with me was also thrown into the mix. Although her parents love me as a person, they aren't 100% convinced by the whole situation, and think she should date someone more local to experience a "normal relationship".

I intended to fly out again in November for 2 weeks but because of this situation, it's now on hold.

 

She's already stressed/overwhelmed out with her final year of high school, making decisions for college and getting a job. The stress of the long distance relationship AND the fact her parents are still undecided since the fall out 2 weeks ago took it's toll on both of us.

 

We decided to take a break at the start of this week whilst she has time to work on everything she needs to do, and slowly win back her parents with the whole long distance situation.

Since we've been on a break, we're actually talking on the phone just as much, and some days even more. It's almost as if the weight of the relationship has been taken off, allowing us to get on better.

 

Here's the thing, she was very emotional/upset during the whole 'taking a break' phase and sought comfort with one of her guy friends (in fairness, she does have more guy friends than girl friends). Since then, they've been texting throughout the day everyday, and "hanging out" with each other every 2 or so days when she's free. She does tell me everything in terms of what she gets up to, but doesn't have much to say when hanging out with the guy friend other than "it was nice".

(I should note that he's actually flying to another state for college in a couple of weeks, so he will also be long distance before long).

 

When we decided to go on a break, although we didn't say we wouldn't see other people (depending on how long it lasted), we did agree that we loved each other very much, and had no interest in other people.

 

Should I be concerned about the guy friend of hers she's been talking to much, or simply brush over it for now? I have asked her about it before and she simply responds "so because he's a guy we can't just be friends?".

 

I'm feeling a little lost during this whole break situation, and her spending time with this guy isn't helping.

 

Any advise?

Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

Posted
Posted
Should I be concerned about the guy friend of hers she's been talking to much, or simply brush over it for now?

That's the least of your worries. There are just waaaaay too many factors working against this relationship. Red Flags everywhere. Seriously man, this thing isn't gonna work out in the end. Trust me. I'm a pretty optimistic fellow, but the forecast looks grim.

 

It's nice that you have this little internet love affair romance thingy. It's fun, but that's as far as it should go. You guys are far too young to even consider this as something tangible. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear. I've been in a long-term LDR, I know what I'm talking about.

 

Don't let me discourage you, do what's right for you. Just don't throw all your eggs into one basket with this girl.

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UltimaWeapon Established Member

UltimaWeapon

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I wouldn't trust her man. In my opinion because I have dealt with this many times now- a girl with many guy friends = a girl who needs constant male attention, needs to be the main chick in a group of guys, needs constant orbiters, very insecure, poor boundaries, and most of these guy friends have hooked up with her at one point or another- I have experienced this with 2 separate girls and both of the times it has always been the case.

 

Its a huge red flag if she has a lot of guy friends- compared to female friends. I am never ignoring this again lol

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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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Thank you to you both for your responses, I really appreciate the bluntness of them as I feel it's something I need.

 

You're probably right, I'm essentially playing with fire when it comes to an almost 18 year old who'll be heading to college next year.

 

It's something I've been trying not to accept, but I think it's unrealistic to assume anything will come of this in the next 3-5 years.

 

Deciding whether to continue being friends or just cut contact for my own sanity is something I'll have to put deep thought into.

Edited by cell2k15
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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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Just to follow up on my response above, I was wondering if anyone can give me their opinion or advice on the following.

 

I'm not going to lie, I've been getting pretty upset over the situation, and just last night she had a group of friends around her house, including this guy friend of hers, and I couldn't even get a text message response for 5+ hours. She did however call me before she went to sleep, and still finishes the call with 'I love you' as bizarre as that sounds.

 

As much as I don't want to do it, would you all suggest going the no contact route after a 'final' talk? Hard-hitting responses are welcome.

sowhynot Established Member

sowhynot

Posted
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Please, please, pleasedon't do the 'final talk'

 

They only work in films and books. Trust me who's done it and bitterly regretted it for years afterwards, you'll just come across as a grade one plonker. Not at all good for your self respect.

 

Did a 'last letter' to an 18 year old a long, long time ago and even now, every few days it still comes back to hit me on what an embarisingly stupid thing it was to do. Probably just me but it's certainly in my personal top 5 biggest mistakes of my life.

 

 

 

 

Just go NC - you'll meet someone else soon enough !

Edited by sowhynot
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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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Please, please, pleasedon't do the 'final talk'

 

They only work in films and books. Trust me who's done it and bitterly regretted it for years afterwards, you'll just come across as a grade one plonker. Not at all good for your self respect.

 

Did a 'last letter' to an 18 year old a long, long time ago and even now, every few days it still comes back to hit me on what an embarisingly stupid thing it was to do. Probably just me but it's certainly in my personal top 5 biggest mistakes of my life.

 

 

 

 

Just go NC - you'll meet someone else soon enough !

 

Out of interest - this letter of yours - was it a positive or negative letter in nature? It's something I thought about doing, but more for the purpose of 'closure' with nothing negative/resentful.

Elias33 Established Member

Elias33

Posted
Posted
Please, please, pleasedon't do the 'final talk'

 

They only work in films and books. Trust me who's done it and bitterly regretted it for years afterwards, you'll just come across as a grade one plonker. Not at all good for your self respect.

 

Did a 'last letter' to an 18 year old a long, long time ago and even now, every few days it still comes back to hit me on what an embarisingly stupid thing it was to do. Probably just me but it's certainly in my personal top 5 biggest mistakes of my life.

 

 

 

 

Just go NC - you'll meet someone else soon enough !

 

This is good advice. Breaks very rarely work, if at all. And this situation is littered with red flags. As of now, you're just helping her letting go of you at the cost of your self respect. This is a common thing, but hard to detect when oneself is in this situation. Look at the horizon, start walking, and don't look back. No words, just turn the page and grief appropiatly.

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sowhynot Established Member

sowhynot

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The letter was positive as in 'positively stupid' !

 

 

 

Confessed undying love etc and I'm even cringing as I'm writing this at the thought of it .....

 

 

Of course, you may have something different in mind - something along the lines of ' I really enjoyed our time together and wish you well for the future' would be fine.... but I'd be tempted to run it past the forum first before hitting that 'send' key !!!

Edited by sowhynot
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I don't believe in breaks. I think they are training wheels for people who don't know their own minds well enough to actually break up.

 

 

That said, I'm going to offer you different advice based on your ages & the distance involved.

 

 

Release each other from any promises you may have made each other. Both of you are free to date anybody. Stop calling each other BF/GF. Live your normal regular lives but still talk to each other as you like. No ILYs. No sex talk. Friendly only.

 

 

When you both graduate from college make a plan to get together in person if you still want & see where you go from there. You might make a life long friend.

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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for taking the time to get back to me regarding this.

 

It's going to be hard, but I think it's best I apply no contact and move on with my life. Life is all about timing in many circumstances, and this is just the wrong time. I'm just signing myself up for months of feeling awful, and merely delaying the inevitable.

 

I'll be sure to report back and let you know how it goes.

 

I'll definitely start being active on this forum - greatly appreciate all of your support.

sowhynot Established Member

sowhynot

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In an ideal world, I'd heartily go with d0nnovain's advice but I have to be honest and say that meeting up in a few years and falling in love all over again etc etc is unlikely - still, it is possible, occasionally wonderful things do happen....

 

 

But what I wouldn't want is for you to get overly hung up on her thinking that it's 'your destiny' etc etc as I think that's lining yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment - as well as maybe blinding yourself to anyone you might meet in between times. ....

 

 

Good luck anyway !

Edited by sowhynot
To many 'happens' !
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted

She's very young, heading to college next year and an ocean away.

 

I don't see how this could realistically continue. She is going to be surrounded by opportunities and she has a lot of growing and changing ahead of her. Add to this her parents' disapproval and the temptations that college life is going to bring her.

 

You're already on different continents, so it's not like you're taking a break from actually seeing each other. You already barely spend any time together in person, so I don't understand the point of a break in these circumstances. I would simply call it a day and start moving on.

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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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So, slight update for you (and you'll find this funny).

 

One of her friends contacted me in confidence and sent me some screenshots of the texts between the girl I was seeing and the guy friend she's been spending time with as I mentioned in my first post. She had earlier shared the texts with her friends in some group chat, so one of them contacted me privately.

 

What a shock, it's full of messages talking about how they love spending time together, and the next time they meet they should kiss and all that with tons of heart emoji's.

 

I confronted her about it, and as expected she got very upset. Plot twist however, it was on the same day that her parents concluded that they were comfortable with me returning for several trips after 'having some time to think'.

 

Since she was now so upset, her mum actually texted me directly, saying she accepts responsibility for why this has all happened since she made the concept of me coming back sound impossible, and that she still really loves me.

 

Her mum asked me to potentially give her a second chance as she feels like she was responsible and backed her into giving up on me, and looking to see other people.

 

What do you all think of this madness? Hit me.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I think all this madness is very immature.

 

Do you really want a girl whose friends and mother intervene?

 

She is far too young for the type of relationship you want. She's still in high school and it shows. Expect more of the same drama; she's not even legally an adult yet.

 

To top it all off, she's into another guy. Why would you even consider continuing this? There must be some older, local girls you could meet.

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cell2k15 Member

cell2k15

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You're totally right.

 

I have in the period of posting my last reply applied no contact, and told her it was what I needed to do.

 

It's unfortunate as we've had a great 6 months getting to know each other, but it's a situation beyond my control now and I can't entertain it any longer.

 

Onwards and upwards.

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