Stilnaught Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Hey everyone, First, a brief history. My girlfriend (3 months together) has had a rough time. She had a friend from high school who went along with her to college. They were in the same classes all the time, just being friends etc. But they developed feelings, kissed, got awkward, and took distance for a while. And apparently they couldn't miss one another, they went on 3-4-5 dates, and got together. They were together for 1.5 years. Happy times, lesser times, just a normal relationship i guess. But in the end, they got into fights. And in one of those fights, he confessed about cheating on her. And (i don't think he wanted to confess THAT much, i don't know how she found out) apparently, he was sleeping with another girl during their dating period, and kept seeing that girl all the time. He's in a relationship with that girl since it happened. Needless to say: she was a mess. They were living together, and now she had to go back to a student room of her own, and the betrayal made her weep for months. But in the meanwhile, some guy started comforting her, taking her out to cheer her up, they started kissing, and it turned into a relationship. At least, he called it a relationship (i spoke him twice during that period, by accident and rather unrelated to my friendship with my current-GF), and he just called her "my girl". She, on the other hand, started saying "that it was probably a bad idea to do this, since she didn't really like the guy, but the attention feels so good". One day her mind got clear and she dumped him. She held jim on a string for a month or 2, but she was still a mess afterwards. We went to the movies etc, since i recently got single as well and we enjoyed each others company, and i was clearly able to see what a mess she still was. Fast forward 4 months. Me and my friend met one another, rather by accident, a few days in a row on college, a party, even a shop. Started talking more actively, went out together (not calling it a date), left with a kiss, ... And we got together. I have to add here, that i at first kept her off (she wanted to go on a formal date, i wanted her to be clear to both herself and me about being "over her ex boyfriend" and being "clean" with the ex-FWB). At that point, she had cut contact with both. Now, she initiated contact with him. She said that she kept thinking about her ex-BF and how he was capable of abusing her like that, and her former FWB has been cheated upon as well in the past (countless times by 2 ex'es, it seems). And he was capable of sharing his own experiences and stopping her from contacting her ex-BF (a part of her wants to now the "why", and she struggles with that. She doesn't seem to be thinking a lot about her ex, but when she does, it's always about that). So she texted him, and they started texting (rather innocently, party stuff etc). But now he added her on facebook, and in the meanwhile he unfriended me. I had doubts about 'allowing' their talking, but i allowed it since i felt i had no allowance to give: i don't want to control her or tell her who (not) to talk to. But this situation is making me feel bad, and i don't know what to do: telling her i can't live with it and that she has to choose between the past and the present, allowing it but asking her to let me read what they say (no proponent of that due to the control factor), or sending a message together on her behalf about the situation: that she used him, which she now regrets, and that she doesn't want to compromise her relationship (or put differently: they can be friends, but never close friends again), etc. I texted her about this situation (the friendship-defriending), and i got an "i know you don't trust him, but please trust me" answer. I texted back that i just wanted to talk with her about the oddness of this situation, and that she made it sound like it was 'just in my head', which got me a "nevermind" reply. All advise enormously welcome ...
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 He seems to have made his intentions clear, he wants her affection and you're not in the picture. Do you trust her completely? She seems pretty cognizant of what she's doing and that you feel it's disrespectful. Fight or flight.
Author Stilnaught Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 Well, trust is a paradox here: i trust her completely, but the disrespectful things she does with it, and the way she keeps searching for the limits of what i tolerate, puts it all under pressure. I talked to her about that, because i didn't want it to grow into a real issue. Result: everything i now say or do that is even vaguely related to her meeting a guy friend, is "being jealous" in her eyes. Even though it's always about how she communicates about it, never about the act itself ... It feels like she keeps looking for things to call me distrustful, and even if she had a point in those: she won't allow me to talk about them.She just won't talk ...
Jacob_Duluoz Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Why would she talk? She thinks she has you wrapped up, hence the jealousy claim. She expects you tolerate it and only after 3 months. Why are you putting up with her testing your limits? Why are you in a relationship with her? Get mad about it or walk away, she's not going to talk it out. 1
kendahke Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 Well, trust is a paradox here: i trust her completely, but the disrespectful things she does with it, and the way she keeps searching for the limits of what i tolerate, puts it all under pressure. I talked to her about that, because i didn't want it to grow into a real issue. Too late. It already has. Apparently, the consequences, for her, are not so severe that it would cause her to stop and rethinking the wisdom in going forward with her plans. Result: everything i now say or do that is even vaguely related to her meeting a guy friend, is "being jealous" in her eyes. How are you broaching the subject of meeting guy friends? How does she say you are coming across? Even though it's always about how she communicates about it, never about the act itself ... It feels like she keeps looking for things to call me distrustful, and even if she had a point in those: she won't allow me to talk about them.She just won't talk ... How badly does this distress you? If she won't talk, then what are the options you're willing to consider? It's vitally important that couples talk in order to come to some kind of understanding. If she won't, then you need to know what you're going to do: accept it and let it go or decide that you can't be with someone who refuses to address problems like an adult and leave her. That's what you have control over.
Author Stilnaught Posted August 23, 2015 Author Posted August 23, 2015 Too late. It already has. Apparently, the consequences, for her, are not so severe that it would cause her to stop and rethinking the wisdom in going forward with her plans. Apparantly .... How are you broaching the subject of meeting guy friends? How does she say you are coming across? Usually she does, in "i'm meeting with x tomorrow" kind of messages. I ask "why do you announce that kind of stuff so late, i had something planned for us already", after which i apparently am too jealous. Just 1 example ... How badly does this distress you? If she won't talk, then what are the options you're willing to consider? It's vitally important that couples talk in order to come to some kind of understanding. If she won't, then you need to know what you're going to do: accept it and let it go or decide that you can't be with someone who refuses to address problems like an adult and leave her. That's what you have control over. You're right ... She just won't talk. I don't know why, and i think it has just killed our relationship. Addendum to what happened: she started throwing a lot of issues to my head, going as far as announcing her unhappyness with me overall and making a lot of untrue statements, things she convinced herself of (the "you're jealous" kind of statements, without any debt, without any discussion, ...)
phineas Posted August 23, 2015 Posted August 23, 2015 I don't see the problem. You made it clear no ex be ormyou wouldn't date her. She brought ex bs back, so stop dating her. Easier said than done I know but you sent married to her nor have been with her that long. So why hold. On?
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