Phoenixgay Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 My boyfriend and I recently moved. I am going to school and have loans and savings I am living off of. Right before we moved, he lost his job. He keeps feeling like a burden and mooch because I've been having to pay for everything. He hasn't found a job yet and hasn't made friends. I am trying to do everything I can but I hate seeing him like this. I'm not good with talking about my feelings or listening to his. Do I let him run his course until he feels better or is there anything else I can do to make him not feel this way without making him feel that way?
kenmore Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 This is reminiscent of how it went with my wife and I (her having steady work and me not being able to find good work) and she ended up resenting it to the point that it destroyed us. My question is do you feel a fear for your own financial well being or a resentment that it is all on you now?
kenmore Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 The irony is that now that our divorce went through in July, I now have good employment. Don't you feel that's ironic?
Author Phoenixgay Posted August 22, 2015 Author Posted August 22, 2015 I just hate seeing him like this and I'm doing all I can. I've helped him find jobs and just paid for everything. I'm starting to take his awful feelings personally. I've never been in his position so i don't know how it feels. We're stuck because I ask him what he wants to do everyday because I don't care and ask him to choose since I'll do whatever makes him happy. Yet he hates choosing because he feels like a burden.
kenmore Posted August 22, 2015 Posted August 22, 2015 I totally get that! While my wife usually chose what we would do and usually paid, I felt guilty. When the rare occasions came that she actually gave a sh*t what I thought, I felt guilty. Sure he will. I could have felt guilty all year long but I never would have ended our relationship because of it. I wanted to contribute. So much! I wanted to be her knight in shining armor and would have done anything to be so, but it was out of my control. All I could do was love her. I have never been a real believer in a higher power controlling my destiny. I don't think there is a "puppetmaster" somewhere controlling my actions or future. I won't get too into my beliefs but even if I go with creationism, I still don't believe our lives are being micro-managed. That said, I still find it odd that my family's business closed one month before our marriage, I was unable to get good employment during our entire marriage, and the very MONTH she kicked me out, I got a good consulting job which lasted the next six months. Now that we're officially divorced as of last month, I have a new good job! (BTW, thanks again to the loveshacker who lined that up for me! further proof it never would have happened if we stayed happily married.) (Also, I have to move for this job and her job entails being here. I couldn't take this job and have her too, they are mutually exclusive.) I don't know what to tell you. You seem to have a much better attitude than my ex, and it's obviously not in your control either. If his guilt is killing him, then he has to deal with that somehow. It's not on you. If your own guilt of making him feel guilty is bothering you, that's on you not him. I may suggest not going out and spending money so much. My ex wanted to go on cruises and road trips, eat out, do lots of expensive stuff, so the guilt was that much worse, but it was still MY guilt. I wished we didn't do so much because I felt her resentment was proportional to how much we did, but I also don't want to suggest you shouldn't lead the life you want to assuage his guilt. My best suggestion is keep doing what you are doing: be supportive, loving, concerned. Try not to feel guilty for his guilt and do comfort him about it. Just don't lie! If you feel resentment, tell him that so it's not a big shock if you break up over it someday. I'm not saying you do, but if you feel that way, be honest. Best of luck!! Ken
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