bluefeather Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I would suggest you learn to truly be happy with yourself before you go out there in search of someone again. But the next time you do, I would suggest that you look for a maaan. Not a boooy. Case in point, I am a male, around your age, and available, for the time being... possibly not for long. I'm not saying hey let's get it on. I'm saying, hey we're out there. So you don't have to look for the youngins. All those bad traits sound like punches to your mind that you no longer have to take. Good freakin riddance. Wash your hands and start taking care of yourself.
LoveIsMyReligion Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think your ego is bruised by this boy and it's driving you crazy. He wasn't and isn't ready for a serious relationship and by contacting him you are only feeding his ego. Only thing you can do right now is work on yourself and focus on being happy again without him.
Christos Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I am sorry to say this, but if you are a "older, better looking, secure in my job, overly loving/giving,", 29 year old, and you fell for a 20 year old who smokes pot, you have serious issues yourself... You are at a stage in your life, where you need to find a serious man and settle down, have a serious relationship, start a family. HE CANNOT DO THAT RIGHT NOW. Trust me. HE CAN'T. I was 20 year old when i was in my first RS. With a 27 year old. Same characteristics as you... And you know what? After a while, i dumbed her. She was my first in bed too... What was the problem? She was at a later stage in her life. I was just a student, with no job. She kept pushing me to find a job, to get a driver's licence, to do this, to do that... This kept stressing me. I didn't find joy in this relationship because i felt inadequate for her. I felt stressed. I couldn't release myself to truly love her, because her pushing me to "improve" for her made me resent her. This is why it doesn't work. It can work the other way around, being a 29 old male with a 20 year old female, because males don't put such pressure to females to "woman up" and "support a family". Just try to find a man near your age. If you are what you say you are, it will be so easy for you. And stay out of pubs. Not the best place to meet your future husband...
RIPolaris Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 This is why it doesn't work. It can work the other way around, being a 29 old male with a 20 year old female, because males don't put such pressure to females to "woman up" and "support a family" I don't completely agree with this statement. It seems to me that a lot of 20 year old girls (not women) aren't completely mature yet, not just physiologically but emotionally as well. Of course everyone is different and some 20 year olds are very mature, but I'd say the majority are not. Anyway back on topic; this BOY isn't worth it. He's just an immature kid who isn't ready for anything serious. Why would you even want to be with a boy who smokes weed all day everyday and probably thinks it's cool? Have some dignity, some self respect. Stop texting or calling him, you're only making yourself appear weak in his eyes. This is also preventing you from moving on/healing. Learn to love yourself. Live your life.
Christos Posted October 4, 2015 Posted October 4, 2015 I don't completely agree with this statement. It seems to me that a lot of 20 year old girls (not women) aren't completely mature yet, not just physiologically but emotionally as well. Of course everyone is different and some 20 year olds are very mature, but I'd say the majority are not. Maturity has nothing to do with it. When a 29 year old man, dates a 20 year old woman, it is obvious he is fully aware of any maturity issues, unless he is immature himself. He just doesn't care because he prefers the younger body. In any case, he doesn't sabotage the relationship because he doesn't ask her to do things to support his lifestyle. A 29 year old woman, will ask you to find a job, get a car, and other things, because she wants it for her lifestyle. A 29 year old man, will not. All he will ask, is sex and companionship, easy things both he and the 20 year old wants. This doesn't pressure the young woman at all.
stillafool Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Yes and there are 29 year old women dating 20 year olds for sex as well. Not all of the women involved with younger men are expecting a relationship and they know these guys are not marriage material yet. The OP just fell head over heels for this younger guy but this isn't always the case.
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one! Short recap of our RS - he's 20, I'm 29, met at a pub, from the get go things were absolutely ridiculously AMAZING, he was everything I wanted and more, made me feel incredible, said he'd never known anyone like me, found true love, etc etc. Little did I know that this is the typical foundation for a RS with a Narcissist, they become everything they know you want, to lure you in, I was the perfect 'supply' for him, older, better looking, secure in my job, overly loving/giving, I gave him my EVERYTHING and he even said he loved how much I loved him and loved showing me off. This utter joy lasted a few months, then crept in the Devaluing. He'd start going out more often with his friends, or spend more nights at home rather than with me, wouldn't answer calls/texts, his phone was always 'on silent' or 'in the other room' but then make me feel like I was the crazy one for getting upset. It was always me making plans for us to go out, do things, spend my money on him, and he lapped it up, without giving in return. I became the 'clingy' one if I asked to come along to hang with his mates, blaming me for not inviting me "Oh well you're just so different and I can't be myself around them while you're there". In the end he had me blaming myself for everything and trying my damn hardest to keep him happy, changing my own beliefs and values to keep him. Then, it came, out of the blue "I dont want a RS. I need to find myself, I love you but I don't want this anymore". And he went stone cold, immediately. I went absolutely bats*** crazy, bombarding him with texts, calls, visits, begging, apologising, you name it, I did it. He kept me dangling with half-hearted "I know you love me, maybe we'll connect again" all to still feed of the needy supply I was providing. He hasn't moved onto anyone else, but rather has gone back to his old ways, smoking pot ALL DAY EVERY DAY, hanging with stoner friends, sleeping all day, skipping work shifts (which is resulting in him getting close to losing his job - he's only a casual barman), and just generally not caring about life or anyone but himself. He is extremely self-centred and uses whatever he can to get any kind of 'supply' from anyone, he is a major hypochondriac, and more often than not recently is using illness, injury, whatever he can think of to get sympathy, attention, 'supply'. Now 3 months down the track and I'm embarrassed to say I have not handled this well. He completely drained all the good from me, I am a shell of the bright, bubbly, independent, positive woman I was, and I HATE IT. I still text him ALL THE TIME, he is giving me the Silent Treatment, another Narcissistic trick, but every now and then throws something out there to keep me dangling just enough that he knows he can feed off me any time he chooses. I have lost weight, lost interest in even basic household chores (currently have 3 day old dishes in the sink and week old clothes to still put away), I've adopted a "What's the point" mentality on just about everything. I was a model for nearly 10 years so I pride myself on my appearance, always doing my make up and straightening my hair, dressing nicely etc. I just can't be bothered with any of that anymore. I hate that I have lost myself to this kid, this 20 year old pot smoker who says "Weed is life", doesn't have a license, lives at home, doesn't have any job/future aspirations, doesn't care about anyone else. I try to remind myself that the man I am pining over, the amazing one he was to start with, was never him, so why am I still so upset over someone who never truly existed. But that doesn't seem to help, I am still devastated every day. I go out with friends, have started drawing and journaling again, plan on going back to University next year, looking for a new job (I lost mine after we broke up and I had a complete breakdown!), looking into volunteer work, have a wonderful 7 year old son who is my world, I've been on 3 seperate dates and slept with 1 other guy, but none of that seems to help, I am so not ready for anyone else. I know in the long run I am the one who will 'win' in a sense, cos I will get through this, I will make positive steps in my life and move forward with a degree, new job and a better sense of self, while he has stepped backwards into a drug induced lowlife haze. But at the moment, I am struggling so much day to day, and just don't know how to get out of it right now. Absolutely hate how women like you fall for men like him yet I can't meet someone like you, well the former you before you got with him. He must have been tall and really physically attractive.
Blanco Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 Absolutely hate how women like you fall for men like him yet I can't meet someone like you, well the former you before you got with him. He must have been tall and really physically attractive. Not to mention he might also be Benjamin Button, because he was 21 at the start of this thread and now he's apparently only 20. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 OP, you really need counseling to deal with this obsessiveness. I'm in counseling. It's very helpful. Also I have to agree that women will tolerate absolutely any kind of male behavior (marijuana addiction, general directionlessness) as long as a guy is hot. Gotta love this world.
Shock148 Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 OP, you really need counseling to deal with this obsessiveness. I'm in counseling. It's very helpful. Also I have to agree that women will tolerate absolutely any kind of male behavior (marijuana addiction, general directionlessness) as long as a guy is hot. Gotta love this world. Yup for those who were lucky enough to be born hot, they can really get away with almost anything. Easy to find a job, a high paying job at that, easy to get women without even trying, and easy to hold onto women even if you treat them like crap. It's all about who hit the lotto gene.
Author nellbell86 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Yeah, I guess he is pretty hot, very tall, gets told by almost everyone that he looks like Patrick Swayze in his Dirty Dancing days. But that's certainly not the sole 'reason' I overlooked any of his less desirable traits, I'm not that superficial! Of course his looks drew me to him, as they usually do when you meet someone at a pub, it's the physical that draws you in, but I fell in love with HIM. Well, I thought it was him. A lot has happened over the time since I last posted! I think the last thing I mentioned was running into him at the shops, and leaving what I thought was a good impression, and hoping to catch up the following week for his birthday. Well, that never happened, it got to the day we said we'd catch up, and he texts "I'm not sure this is a good idea, maybe we can talk another time, just not right now". I replied saying I was disappointed as I'd hoped to see him for his bday, it's his 21st, but ok then. Now we come to the present, I have gotten a HUGE grip on my emotions and although I know I still love him, I am actually pretty happy going about my days without him now. I don't feel the urge to text him every 5 minutes, I started writing a journal, and if I ever get the urge I just write it in there so at least I'm getting it out somehow. I've been having a great time going out with friends, finally feel strong enough to start looking for another job, I have partied and slept with another guy (nothing came of it, but we both knew that, was just a fun night!) and feel altogether 'better' with myself. He has blocked/unblocked me on FB a few times, recently when I was away with his mate, he unblocked me, but then a short time later he blocked me again. I have remained blocked until last week, and I find this interesting. I ran into his parents on Friday arvo while I was at another local pub with my girlfriend. I looked great and had had a few drinks so I was in a wonderful mood lol and had a great chat with his dad, then his mum came over and gave me a huge hug, said "It's so good to see you honey" and we had a chat about what I was doing down there etc, I was extremely bubbly and happy. Well I can only assume that his mum may have mentioned to him that they saw me, and maybe how good I looked/happy I was, because later that night, whilst searching for another friend with the same starting initials as him on FB, his profile popped up. Yep, he's unblocked me again, and it has remained that way for nearly a week. A little while ago he also added me on Instagram, which I thought was odd, if he doesn't want anything to do with me, why do that, it just seems pointless. Anyway I'm not reading too much into it as it's only social media, but still, if you wanted nothing to do with the person, why would you be adding them after the fact, and unblocking them to see what they're up to?! We ran into each other a few days ago, I went to the dr, I have laryngitis, as I was leaving, he is standing out the front with one of our mutual friends, his mates gf. I said hi and gave him a big hug, and had a quick chat with the friend, then said to him, "Can I speak to you?" so we went off and had a chat. Mainly spoke about what happened, he admitted to putting on an 'act' with me cos he assumed I wouldn't like the 'real him' which made me mad, I said well that's not fair on me is it, you never gave me a chance to know the real you, so I fell in love with this 'act', then when you got tired of pretending, you break my heart and blame me?! He said that wasn't fair of him and he's sorry, I said I miss you, and he said "yeah I miss you a bit too, I really did love you, the crazy stuff just got too much, you got upset over everything" and I said yes I know, I realised that and I have told you how sorry I am, and he said yeah I believe you. We discussed talking in a couple of weeks, again, and seeing if we can start over, I said I'll text you in a few weeks and he said "Yeah, if you can stick to that!" (cos I SUCK at NC!!), we hugged, I said you know I love you, he said yeah, I know, it's good, and we left it at that. After his last remark I am more determined than EVER to stick with NC for at least the next couple of weeks, if not longer, to prove to him I can do it! I have marked a day on my calendar that I am happy with reaching out again, I am going to give it this one last ditch effort, I have told him what I'd like, that I really want to give things a new go and go slowly, now if I reach out again and he says no, I feel confident that I can take it on the chin and walk away. There's truly nothing else I could do after this, so I guess this is the last effort, and I need to be ok with whatever the outcome may be.
mightycpa Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Hello, my bf of 7 months dumped me out of the blue almost 2 months ago. Hes 21, I am 29. He says he needs space and time to figure himself out and that he wasn't ready for a full relationship. I was absolutely gutted. I have sunk into such a deep depression, I lost my job, I'm on antidepressants, I can barely function even now, I still feel like I am at square one with dealing with this. up til this week I have still seen him at least once or twice a week, which probably isn't helping! Not to sleep together or anything, to drop stuff off, or I had a bday present for him mum, things like that. I know I need to stay away from him if I'm ever going to get over him, it's just so hard,I cant believe I still love him so much even after all the pain he has caused me and the lies I have found out about him since we broke up. He is completely wrong for me, 21, bartender, no licence, no motivation to do anything with his life, BIG pot smoker, drinker, lazy, sleeps all day and just sits around with his mates smoking, drinking and watching tv or playing video games. What a catch hey! But I saw past that and saw the potential in him and loved him for who he was aside from all that. I just can't seem to let go, there is no hope for us getting back together, it just would not work and he is too happy now hes free to get drunk and stoned whenever he wants and do what he wants. I have no idea what in the world to do to stop this disgusting sick feeling in my stomach all the time, to stop flashbacks of him, to stop the sappy love songs floating into my head, to stop waking up every day shaking and in a panic cos its another day without him, to stop feeling so depressed and rejected that I just don't feel worthwhile anymore I know hes doing fine and he's ok with it which makes it even worse, I am suffering so much cos of what hes put me through and he is just going about life like nothing has happened Holy ****! You tell us how many times the earth has revolved around the sun since you were born, but how old are you? Surely nine months ago you knew this would happen. How could you not?
Author nellbell86 Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Holy ****! You tell us how many times the earth has revolved around the sun since you were born, but how old are you? Surely nine months ago you knew this would happen. How could you not? No, I really didn't think this would happen, he did fall in love with me, and I do believe he wanted to be with me, but in the end his love of freedom, weed, and his mates (being young in general I guess!) outweighed his love for me. He 'seemed' like he was right into it, but now admits himself that although he loved me, it was an act cos he knew it's what I wanted, but not necessarily what he wanted, and sooner or later the act gets tiresome. Maybe I was naive, maybe the rose coloured glasses obstructed my vision, but I really believed in us. Part of me still does.
Kovtiz7 Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 I am in the exact same predicament as you... Omg it seems so similar. He is younger and he really has no goals in life and loves to drink. I am so I love with him and I'm dieing right now knowing he's not the right one for me. I'm going through what u are going. We should talk. Al here
mightycpa Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 No, I really didn't think this would happen, he did fall in love with me, and I do believe he wanted to be with me, but in the end his love of freedom, weed, and his mates (being young in general I guess!) outweighed his love for me. He 'seemed' like he was right into it, but now admits himself that although he loved me, it was an act cos he knew it's what I wanted, but not necessarily what he wanted, and sooner or later the act gets tiresome. Maybe I was naive, maybe the rose coloured glasses obstructed my vision, but I really believed in us. Part of me still does. It has nothing to do with how he acted, and it has nothing to do with your rose colored glasses, or who loved who or who his friends are or anything. The minute you decided that you would get involved, to any degree, you should have known, should have immediately assumed that it wouldn't last. Nothing should have been able to change your mind about that. Why? You're 29. He's 21. Res ipsa loquitur. End of discussion. Remember that for next time.
Author nellbell86 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Well I got a text from him last night, well his phone anyway, no doubt from one of his mates, probably drunk or stoned or both. It said "show us ya t*ts!!" - very mature. I can guarantee it's to get a reaction out of me, but I'm not responding. When he has something substantial to say, then I'll respond!
adiamond Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well I got a text from him last night, well his phone anyway, no doubt from one of his mates, probably drunk or stoned or both. It said "show us ya t*ts!!" - very mature. I can guarantee it's to get a reaction out of me, but I'm not responding. When he has something substantial to say, then I'll respond! wtf.... that message is so wow .. lol
Amelie1980 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 Hi all, to give some insight into my story, and for better answers to my other threads, I thought I'd share my full story. I am 29, M is almost 21. I had recently come out of a 3.5 year relationship, when we met on a fun drunken night at the pub. He was the 'hot guy in the grey beanie' and instantly took my breath away. He approached me, we had a fantastic night together, I went back to his place, etc, and we exchanged numbers. The couple of weeks that followed were lots of texting, meeting for lunch ( we worked across the road from each other!), and then a couple of blissful days where we just spent the time on a mattress on his games room floor watching movies, eating junk, talking, laughing, and of course lots of sex lol. He was upfront, he had never had a 'serious' relationship, alot of flings, he was a pothead, didn't want marriage and didn't want kids. I too was upfront, I didn't want serious straight away, wanted it to take its course, didnt want marriage again, was open to maybe 1 more child (I have a 6 year old). We decided we'd be official, and life was just incredible. On weeks my son was with his dad, we would spend all our time at his place (lived with parents still), I got along with his whole family and network of friends and workmates (he works at a pub) so well, I just slotted in. On weeks my son was home, he'd stay at our place most of the time, or spend 1 or 2 nights at home for his time alone or to spend a boys night with his mates, usually getting stoned. I NEVER told him I wanted him to stop, I said I didn't like it, but I accepted it as part of him, he chose to cut right back, said its what he needs, I help him be a better person, get more direction in his life, etc. But over the course of time, now looking back, things did shift, although being in such a high state of crazy love, I didn't realise it then. I think because I'd been in serious relationships before, he thought thats what I expected of him, so he did it, and because he was acting that way I assumed it was what he wanted, we didn't communicate about it. Slowly his time with his mates was decreasing and he was always with me, which was lovely and I thought that's what he wanted so I started discussing us moving in, which freaked him out and he said he wasn't near ready, which was fine with me. Then he got a bit distant, and I got clingy. Spending time with his friends again, and I would constantly text, and if he didnt respond I'd get upset and read into it too much, he didnt want to talk to me, etc. I got stupidly jealous cos he still had some mushy fb posts from a few years ago with ex girlfriends up on his profile, but didn't really post about me often. He said its cos he felt he had to profess his feelings for them that way, cos he wasnt really feeling it to say in person, but with me he could say it to me in person and didnt feel he needed to prove it. I get that, but it would still eat away at the insecure part of me so it was something we bickered about. Eventually it happened, he came to me one night and said he 'needed space'. He felt like he's lost himself and needs time to figure himself out, on his own. He loves me very much, our relationship meant alot to him, but he just doesn't think he can do it right now. Of course I went into crazy emotional over drive, which i now know I shouldn't have done! I texted, called, spoke to his friends, family, workmates, anyone I could to get a grasp on what the hell had happened and what I could do. All I really needed to do was give him this space, but do you think I could?! This dragged out for 3 weeks, seeing each other every couple of days, sleeping together, the I love yous, I miss yous, please I'll do anything to make this right, him saying he will be back soon, he loves me, etc. Then he finally came over 5 weeks ago, and ended it. Said he was emotionally unavailable right now, he was really happy with me but just didn't feel it at the moment, he is f***ed up and just wants to be alone to find himself again. I am an amazing, beautiful person and he loves me very much. Again, since then I have been a mess, texting him, messaging on fb, sending quotes, pictures of us, all sorts. Most of the time he won't respond. I called him when I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago about to have an operation, and he was concerned and wanted me to keep him updated on how I went. When I got home I texted him that I was home, he said "I hope your op went well and you're feeling better", that's all. This week he has said to me, he does want to talk, but not just yet. He has also said to my best friend, that he is f***ed up and just wants me to give him space, he understands I'm hurting but I need to do what he's asked, probably down the track we'll get bsck together, but right now he needs this. So at the moment I am finally on Day 1 of NC, I am feeling like crap cos I havent texted him but feel good too cos I need to respect what he's asked for. Please read my other thread "Should I announce No Contact" now you know my story, and let me know what you think. I truly believe he is it for me, I love him with all my heart, and want to do whatever it takes to redeem my crazy emotional behaviour and get us to a good place to hopefully reconcile. This actually sheds alot of light on the matter. all of your other threads say he broke up with you out of the blue. But from this one it makes it very clear he never took it seriously and as soon as you mentioned moving in together he was gone. He never saw this as a serious relationship and he could probably tell you were taking it more seriously than him. One thing that I find reprehensible is that you have a 6 year old son. You say you spend every waking moment obsessing over this guy and have lost your job because of it. Not a word do you ever speak of your son. Its all M M M what can I do for him to make him love me? Dont think for a second this isnt affecting your child. Also you know you he smokes dopes and drinks and does nothing with his life and sleeps all day and yet you were happy to have him near your child and wanted to move him in?! What kind of role model do you think he would be to a child? A 6 year old seeing his mum shacked up with a 20 year old layabout druggie. Nice! I feel sorry for your child and this is just sounding more and more like you need professional help. Instead of going mental trying to think of ways to get your ex back why dont you put this effort into your son. He's the only one I feel sorry for in all this.
Amelie1980 Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 No, I really didn't think this would happen, he did fall in love with me, and I do believe he wanted to be with me, but in the end his love of freedom, weed, and his mates (being young in general I guess!) outweighed his love for me. He 'seemed' like he was right into it, but now admits himself that although he loved me, it was an act cos he knew it's what I wanted, but not necessarily what he wanted, and sooner or later the act gets tiresome. Maybe I was naive, maybe the rose coloured glasses obstructed my vision, but I really believed in us. Part of me still does. There you go lady....he told you to your face it was an act, not what he wanted and it got tiresome.......what more is there to say?
SunlightJune Posted December 8, 2015 Posted December 8, 2015 I'm 23 and I don't even trust 21 year old boys enough to date them. A woman your age really shouldn't date a guy younger than 25, they are much too immature. Even the women around that age are very immature, I know, I was/am one of them. I look back just 2 years ago and I know how much I've grown in maturity in those 2 short years. if I were 29, I would be dating guys my age or a few years older. They are sooo much more stable, its unbelievable. My ex bf who is 29 just got married to a 21 year old and based on their age alone, I can already see an issue in maturity levels. A person in their late 20s is at a different stage of life than those in their early 20s, that's just the way it is.
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